To no longer respond to hints

[marshlellow]

"I've got some washing to do"
"Are you making a cup of tea?"

AIBU to stop picking up any of my husbands "hints" and wait for him to ask me directly?

It's really annoying. Why is he like this?

The bare faced cheek to act as though it's us who have no initiative

My husband was like this - annoyed the shit out of me so one day a few years ago - I just stopped doing an anything of his, his dishes, his laundry, his cooking (I would make enough for me and the kids) etc. went on for a while until he realised it - he now probably does more that 50% of house stuff 😂

“The washing machine is free, why not go do it now?”

”No I’m not, but if you’re making one I’ll have one”.

I wouldn’t ignore the hints.
I would answer them like he’s just letting you know/asking a genuine question.

If he says anything about you doing them, ask him why he would think it’s your job and if he wants his washing done/have a cup of tea then he needs to do it himself.

Mine does this. He's fairly new so still in training. Straight questions and straight answers at all times please. It's quite sad that he feels the need to appease. There's quite a back story so the training is full of positive reinforcement 💕

Whenever my DH starts a sentence with 'We should' he always means 'You should' then when I don't do whatever he's decided I should, he'll question why as 'we decided we were going to.' No love you decided so you can crack on.

There is a backstory of appeasement, people-pleasing and self-deprecation with my DH, too. I’ve been trying to help him to be more assertive for years. I can be very snappy, though 😀

Why would you wait for him to ask you directly, are you some kind of Victorian house servant waiting for the lord of the manor's next command?

Mine does his own laundry and cooks every meal for the household.

Then just when you think you've got them properly trained, they get old, memory turns to shite and suddenly there are new black socks in the lights load, the freezer stuff is in the fridge, he's killed the plants that you lovingly reared, the dog is ravenous because he miscalculated a weeks dinners for him. Because now he genuinely doesn't know if he's on his arse or his elbow

Weaponised incompetence!

Lol, are we married to the same person?!

Mine also fishes for compliments too.

He used to often say "I've done some washing" or "I've picked up the dead mouse that the cat brought in" in a way that suggests there's a silent "...for you" at the end, or he wants me to say thank you. What he gets in reality is an "OK".

He did comment on the "OK" once and I just replied "Well I don't list out all the domestic chores I've done while you're out do I?"

I'm re-training his brain gradually though as he doesn't do it anywhere near as much any more.

The fishing for compliments when he's taken me out for dinner or a day out for a birthday or something do annoy me. I'll always say thank you at the end of a meal or trip, but he'll constantly bring it up "Did you enjoy the meal?" or "That was a good meal wasn't it?" or "You've had a good day haven't you?". I've actually started saying "I've already said yes, it was lovely and thank you - you don't need to keep asking me for more gratitude".

Thank heavens he also stopped saying about his friend "He can't meet up this weekend as he's babysitting" - that one really pissed me off! Before he retrained his brain it was quite funny to watch though: "He can't meet up this weekend as he's babysitting, shit, er, bollocks, I mean he's got the kids as Tania's out for the day". 😂

I've heard him repeating some of the things I say to him to our nephews though, so I'd like to think I'm helping the next generation be better in the absence of any DC of our own!

Haven't made my way through the whole thread yet, but if it hasn't already been posted, this American comedian's set always makes me laugh

https://www.facebook.com/reel/877567120591113

Just remembered a story my DM told me about when her and DF were first married.

They had a washing basket but when he lived at home, his Mum let him put all his dirty washing under the bed and she'd get it all out for him. The laundry basket was clearly a laundry basket and he watched my Mum put her washing in it every night (and it was on his side of the bedroom).

DM realised he was still putting the washing under the bed. She never said anything, just did the washing out of the basket. When one day he asked "I've not got any clean underwear. What happened to my washing?" she sweetly replied "Hmmm, that's strange, I've washed everything that's in the washing basket..." and let it hang in the air. The penny dropped and 45+ years later the washing is always in the basket!

Told this story to a friend of mine who was having a similar issue with her husband and she took the same approach. She soon discovered her husband was actually just a dirty slob that couldn't be bothered even if his clothes were dirty... They're divorced now!

Him: This tupperware cupboard is a right mess- it needs sorting out
Me: Crack on then.

Its still not sorted because I'm not arsed. If he's that bothered- he can do it himself.

Another thing I do with the we thing is put on a posh accent and say ooh is this the royal we and take the piss.

You have to challenge this shit. Like he used to walk into the kitchen and start faffing with the cooking, turning the heating up or down, adding salt, etc so I created the You Interfere, You Volunteer rule. The second he put his nose into something I was doing, I handed it over and left the room.

That cured the fucker.

In the interests of fairness I must say I have some equally infuriating habits that he's had to put up with and/or train me out of. It's not a one way thing here. I'm frustrating to live with too.

I wish it was childhood behaviour - MIL still waits on DH and BIL hand and foot the moment they step in to her house. They are allowed to do jobs but only ‘manly’ jobs (DIY tasks mainly) and are lavished with praise for things like changing a lightbulb 🙄 She seems genuinely mystified that her two DILs are not only unimpressed by this but that we both expect 50/50 splits in our homes. She does the passive aggressive hinting as well, so it’s clear where that came from!

I should say that my DH is a lovely man. He is genuinely a wonderful human who I adore, but he fell foul of the 'you interfere, you volunteer' rule mentioned by @IncompleteSenten above.

We share chores fairly evenly, except for the laundry. I have done the washing for all of our years together and one day he decided to tell me how to do it. At this point the 'you interfere, you volunteer' came into play and it has now been his job for the last few years and he hates it. I think he was hoping that I would prove my point and take it back.... nope.

I heard him muttering under his breath the other day that he didn't realise that laundry was a neverending chore with so many added stages/tasks. He lamented about where it all comes from and he shouldn't have bitched so much about me putting things on the line when the weather was nice and not using the dryer because it makes him such a hypocrite that he doesn't. (he doesn't use the line at all)

"I've got some washing to do"
"Are you making a cup of tea?"

I genuinely wouldn't see these as hints - I'd just go "oh OK then" to the first, assuming he meant he would be doing it, and either yes or no depending on whether I was making a cup of tea (and if I was of course I'd offer him one).

I think my general obliviousness to hints has saved me more hassle in life than it has caused - one or two times I've had to be pulled up directly on something that someone was trying to hint about but didn't get through (eg a boss at work) but in general I think it is better for my mental health than picking them up!

I created the You Interfere, You Volunteer rule. The second he put his nose into something I was doing, I handed it over and left the room.

Oh this is exactly me, I do the exact same thing! , "if you want to cook this bolognese do go ahead, I'm not doing it because I want to, I'm off to read a book" - he doesn't interfere anymore!

Good for you and your SIL for standing your ground. It’s so bizarre this ‘Prince’ mentality with some mothers, like the grown men genuinely need looking after when they somehow manage to hold down jobs etc - so frustrating 🙄

This is a brilliant idea ladies - using this!

My other half's way is "do you know what happened with X" when he is clearly asking if I did something. I.e. "do you know why the toilet roll is empty". Yes, because I didn't change it at 5am when I got up to feed the baby and had a quick pee. Given im the only other person that uses that loo, if you don't know about it, then it's safe to assume a burglar hadn't gotten in just to leave an empty roll. Did it require a bloody patronising conversation to high light my failures?

Ask me what you mean or dont bloody ask.

You: ‘Oh wow i had no idea setting the cat feeders was that much more complicated than the auto sensing alarm system, but now I know I’m so talented I might just go rewire that one you’re working on For You.’

@Dunnoburt @LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway I bought mine a shallow bamboo bowl just for his crap next to 'his' side of the sofa. Such as his tiny little notepad he uses to write down his to do list for the weekend. I delight in taking the pages out when he's not around and looking at the panic,

Mind you, he is good at sorting out vacuuming and his own ironing. I just get mine out the machine and stick it on a hanger.Creases come out when I wear them ayway.

DS2 (24) proudly announced he'd cleaned the toilet yesterday. After he was the one to pebbledash it (grim)

I get 'Oh, that recipe sounds good - WE should try doing that' or 'WE could do with doing some washing/cleaning/hoovering' 'WE could bring a cake WE'VE made'.

He doesn't mean WE, he means ME!