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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To no longer respond to hints

161 replies

marshlellow · 06/08/2024 21:23

"I've got some washing to do"
"Are you making a cup of tea?"

AIBU to stop picking up any of my husbands "hints" and wait for him to ask me directly?

It's really annoying. Why is he like this?

OP posts:
Original poster
marshlellow · 07/08/2024 06:20

Ilovecleaning · 07/08/2024 05:02

Not a ‘hi ting thing’ but…
Me: do you want tea/coffee, fried/scrambled eggs, toast/bread?
Him: whatever is easiest
Me: the EASIEST thing is if you fucking TELL me!!!

Maybe just don't make anything and then say that's what was easiest

OP posts:
Original poster
marshlellow · 07/08/2024 06:21

TorroFerney · 07/08/2024 06:16

I think it depends on the motivation and whether he’s a lazy thing. If not I’d be having a conversation about it and asking him why. Some people just use it as a way to ask for help without asking, perhaps if brought up to do so. If lazy then as others have said just say oh ok, that’s nice etc.

Show quote history

I'm wondering if it's some sort of don't ask for help it's a sign of weakness or a fear of rejection thing.

OP posts:
Sceptical123 · 07/08/2024 06:22

marshlellow · 07/08/2024 06:21

I'm wondering if it's some sort of don't ask for help it's a sign of weakness or a fear of rejection thing.

Show quote history

Or that they can’t be accused of adding to their partners load

WoollyRosebud · 07/08/2024 06:37

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 06/08/2024 23:39

Mine is the same! Drives me round the bend. Literally yesterday sat eating dinner and he suddenly goes "I'm thirsty". I say "Get a drink then". "I can't get past because Xs chair". "Oh dear, I guess you're going thirsty or asking someone to either go get a drink for you or move". Stare off, because he knows how much it pisses me off but for some reason thinks asking will cause the world to end or his dick to drop off or something.

My DF’s response to I’m hungry, I’m thirsty etc was, hello I’m Rosebud’s DF nice to meet you

Original poster
marshlellow · 07/08/2024 07:49

Sceptical123 · 07/08/2024 06:22

Or that they can’t be accused of adding to their partners load

Show quote history

Ah yes! You're on to something. The I can't possibly be one of those men

OP posts:
Original poster
marshlellow · 07/08/2024 07:51

Just to be absolutely clear here the washing in the machine is his washing only as I refused to have a shared washing basket as I didn't want to end up washing his clothes by default

OP posts:
Helpmymumplease · 07/08/2024 08:00

How are your husbands not all under the patio?

Seriously don’t joke, supply a witty retort, any of that, just bloody well tell them to stop being chauvinist pigs or they’ll get a divorce. “Ahhhh, men, eh!” drives me NUTS

GrannyAchingsShepherdsHut · 07/08/2024 08:03

I'm bloody contrary, honestly. I hate this hint / delegate thing. And don't get me started on nagging.

The trouble is, I could be literally walking into a room to, say, sort the laundry. If DP strolls in and says 'WE need to sort the laundry, it's a mess' you can bet your arse I'm turning right around and that laundry will not be sorted. I know he doesn't mean both of us, he means me, he could just bloody do it (or have already done it!) if he wants it done, but no, there has to be some loaded pronouncement about the importance of doing xyz. But now it'll grow legs and put itself away before I get involved in it.

It's very much a character flaw, but I cannot 'reward' nagging etc by doing the thing. Even if I want to do the thing!

AllPrincessAnneshorses · 07/08/2024 08:06

Maryamlouise · 06/08/2024 21:33

I have started doing this with the "We should do..." enter whatever task partner is clearly trying to delegate indirectly to me. Once I noticed I was just doing all this stuff I just stopped and agree instead "oh yes we should" and then do it if I really care it about and leave it if not. Not sure he has really noticed though so probably would be better to actually discuss it.

Mine is annoying me right now with "where have you put...?" enter item of his that I haven't touched. Why can't he just ask if I have seen said item or know where it is

I have banned where have you put, after pointing out that I NEVER say it to him. Have you seen my...

qotsa · 07/08/2024 08:09

Atethehalloweenchocs · 06/08/2024 23:19

I cannot stand this, and absolutely will not respond to this kind of thing. Drives me insane.

Nor me. I literally carry on as if nothing has been said.

SauvignonBlonk · 07/08/2024 08:11

My default response to ‘where is my….?’ was always ‘Pass’.
not my problem!

Fraaahnces · 07/08/2024 08:14

Have you seen my X…?
”Yes….”
Well, where is it?
”No idea, why?”
I thought you said you’d seen it!
”Oh I have seen it. I know what you’re talking about, but why on earth would I know where it is?”

RedToothBrush · 07/08/2024 08:16

DH has been extremely busy of late and been away with work.

So I tidied the house including his office which is full of things just from the house. He's constantly complaining he can't find things. The 'wheres my ?' comment drives me nuts. I don't know where YOU put it. Why don't YOU tidy up? That's right you don't have time because you are off doing important things.

Anyway he has come back and has gone nuts because I've tidied because now he can't find things. So no actual change there. And how very dare I go through his stuff in the office. (Despite there being lots of my stuff and expecting me to know where he has put everything).

He had the nerve to complain I'd put the old phone screen protectors and cases in the box with the new ones. Like why haven't you just binned the ones that you aren't going to use?

Anyway he seems to be coping with finding his own things eventually. As before. The bonus is I actually know where the fuck things are now too.

Ihaveneedofwaternear · 07/08/2024 08:17

Thisisntme1 · 07/08/2024 04:44

My DH is great at sharing housework, we have no set tasks for each person we just both get in and do what needs doing whoever is home first.

But occasionally he goes through this thing where he'll say "do you want me to do the dishes?"
"Do you want me to vacuum?"
"Do you want me to take out the rubbish?"

And then I feel like a cow if I say yes actually.
It's obvious he doesn't feel like doing the tasks (no one does haha) but puts the decision back on me. I HATE it and call him out on it every time.

My DH sometimes does this, and I just turn it around by saying, "oh did you want me to do it?" Works well.

NoNameisGoodEnough · 07/08/2024 08:18

My thing is, whenever any DIY needs doing, it has to involve both of us. I have to be involved like a washed up cheer leader. He can't just crack on himself with whatever needs doing.

Blablablabladibla · 07/08/2024 08:19

Here's a wild idea tell him directly that you want him to talk to you directly.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 07/08/2024 08:28

@marshlellow when hubby starts saying things like "we really should ......" I usually reply "is this the royal "we" you are speaking about"??????

Backtoblack1 · 07/08/2024 08:31

Doggymummar · 06/08/2024 21:40

Overheard in my garden, from nextdoor for fuck sakes Paul, you're a grown man, find your own fucking shoes!

Excellent! 🤣

junebirthdaygirl · 07/08/2024 08:35

My dh does work very hard..say in the garden. Then he comes in the door saying: Oh l'm exhausted! I have done so much. My back is breaking etc. EVERYTIME!!! Same when he cleans windows etc. He can't just do a job and get on with it. There has to be a song and dance. I am doing jobs all day but no mention of it.
We are both retired now and have all day to do these things but he tears into it and then a big fuss. STOP!!

directorscut · 07/08/2024 08:36

NoNameisGoodEnough · 07/08/2024 08:18

My thing is, whenever any DIY needs doing, it has to involve both of us. I have to be involved like a washed up cheer leader. He can't just crack on himself with whatever needs doing.

Oh my, yes. My DH does exactly this. Like it's a grand performance I need to see. He can never just get on with it.

NotSorry · 07/08/2024 08:39

In our house if I do a job I get on with it myself. If DH does a job everything has to involve me. Eg. Me: Can you get the peas on (while I’m busy getting everything else out of the oven and serving up).

Cue him asking where the peas are in the freezer? have I got a clip as the bag is now open and he doesn’t need to use the whole bag etc etc etc.

The other day I just looked at him and said what part of my job am I supposed to be leaving to find you a clip when they’ve been in the same drawer for 20 years? Everything is not a 2 person job you know!

redskydarknight · 07/08/2024 08:42

Ilovecleaning · 07/08/2024 05:02

Not a ‘hi ting thing’ but…
Me: do you want tea/coffee, fried/scrambled eggs, toast/bread?
Him: whatever is easiest
Me: the EASIEST thing is if you fucking TELL me!!!

My version of this is

Me: Would you like a cup of tea?
DH: If you like
Me: It's not about whether I like, it's whether you want one!!

Whatineed · 07/08/2024 08:42

anywhichone · 06/08/2024 21:50

My dh says things like 'we really need to sort that cupboard' (he means me)

I now agree yes we do and do it if I planned /want to. Otherwise no one does it.

Have you tried "Yes, we do. Why don't you get started on it?"

Love51 · 07/08/2024 08:45

My kids used to do "I'm hungry" or "I'm thirsty" and that annoyed me. I've no idea where they got it from as it wasn't me or their Dad. Kids are more teachable than adults so I managed to train them out of it. I suspect it is harder with adults.

lalaloopyhead · 07/08/2024 08:46

DH asks me things about DD like 'what does DD want for dinner' and 'what time is DD going out' bearing in mind DD is question is 17 my response is 'I don't know, have you asked her??'
I wouldn't mind if the question was 'do you know what time DD is going out' etc, its only slightly different but makes a huge difference - the way he says it (to me) implies I am either a mind reader or the works foreman.