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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think they should have just made the Toastie?

276 replies

PubToastie · 06/08/2024 20:38

NC as identifying.

We go for tea every Monday at a local pub, tied to brewery but independent, they have recently taken over another local pub.
Been going about 18 months every week since my DM Alzheimer's diagnosis. (When I haven't been able my sister and her husband takes her)

Every week we book the same table and DM always has a toastie from the lunch menu.

But instead of having it how it comes which is with four slices of bread, multiple fillings, chips, salad and coleslaw for £7.99 she has two slices of bread with cheese and four slices of cucumber. At best she eats half -We still pay the full amount.

For pudding she always has the one scoop vanilla ice cream with wafer from the kids menu. She always eats the wafer but never the ice cream but gets upset if the ice cream isn't served. Then she has a cup of tea.

At a minimum there are three other adults having 2 courses and drinks. Sometimes our teen children join, sometimes my sister and her young family join us all so can be 12 people, 11 ordering from the official menu and my mum.

We went yesterday and the new manager was there, he has been there about 8 weeks since they took over the new pub, (as the old manager moved) the normal bar man and normal waitress was there all who know us and that DM has Alzheimer's.
Normal waitress sat us down and as always chats to my mum, same conversation she has every week but the routine of all of this makes my mum at ease and we always have a lovely time.
Last night there was six of us, we all order and then waitress comes back and awkwardly tells us we can't have the toastie as its on the lunch menu, I laugh thinking it is a joke but waitress is very apologetic and says new manager won't allow it.
So I ask new manager to come over and he confirms that toastie is only at lunch and that as DM is an adult she can't have the kids ice cream either. My sister who is much more assertive than me says if there is no toastie then we would all leave as DM won't eat anything else (this is true) manager then says 'you won't leave' so sister gets up and tells us all to leave. Mum then gets upset and keeps saying 'but I want my toastie, that lovely girl said I could have my toastie '
Then the table next to us, who have heard it all asks why my mother can't have a toastie and it all gets a bit horrible as DM gets very upset.

Bar man who has seen all this has gone to chef had toastie made and brings it out to DM and is just brilliant, tells us that chef is always ready to make the toastie. New manager storms off.

We have dinner as normal.

As we leave manager comes over and says we can't have it next week as it is only for lunch and children.

AIBU to think that this approach is crazy we won't go there again?

Sorry it is so long

OP posts:
MarvellousMonsters · 07/08/2024 18:39

Cheepcheepcheep · 06/08/2024 21:32

It’s been 20 years since he died but I’ve always felt a wave of gratitude to the staff of the Brewers Fayre near my Granddad’s flat. After my Nanny died he went very downhill with frailty and alcoholism, they were childhood sweethearts and he’d never been alone. He used to walk across the common every day, they’d make sure he had a child’s fish and chips and his first red wine of the day and would call him at home 30m after he left to make sure he’d made it back across the common and was safely watching TV until my mum would get there after work and sorting us kids to do him some toast and try and suggest (unsuccessfully!) not to open the whisky. They were the ones who found him on the common the day he didn’t answer the phone after a heart attack, summer of 2004. He’s very missed.

Sorry, probably a bit off topic but these staff are worth their weight in gold and do a marvellous job and if the new manager can’t see that then he’s a cunt of the highest order. Where’s the humanity.

Edited

Gosh @Cheepcheepcheep that's so sad but so lovely.

MarvellousMonsters · 07/08/2024 18:41

PubToastie · 06/08/2024 20:38

NC as identifying.

We go for tea every Monday at a local pub, tied to brewery but independent, they have recently taken over another local pub.
Been going about 18 months every week since my DM Alzheimer's diagnosis. (When I haven't been able my sister and her husband takes her)

Every week we book the same table and DM always has a toastie from the lunch menu.

But instead of having it how it comes which is with four slices of bread, multiple fillings, chips, salad and coleslaw for £7.99 she has two slices of bread with cheese and four slices of cucumber. At best she eats half -We still pay the full amount.

For pudding she always has the one scoop vanilla ice cream with wafer from the kids menu. She always eats the wafer but never the ice cream but gets upset if the ice cream isn't served. Then she has a cup of tea.

At a minimum there are three other adults having 2 courses and drinks. Sometimes our teen children join, sometimes my sister and her young family join us all so can be 12 people, 11 ordering from the official menu and my mum.

We went yesterday and the new manager was there, he has been there about 8 weeks since they took over the new pub, (as the old manager moved) the normal bar man and normal waitress was there all who know us and that DM has Alzheimer's.
Normal waitress sat us down and as always chats to my mum, same conversation she has every week but the routine of all of this makes my mum at ease and we always have a lovely time.
Last night there was six of us, we all order and then waitress comes back and awkwardly tells us we can't have the toastie as its on the lunch menu, I laugh thinking it is a joke but waitress is very apologetic and says new manager won't allow it.
So I ask new manager to come over and he confirms that toastie is only at lunch and that as DM is an adult she can't have the kids ice cream either. My sister who is much more assertive than me says if there is no toastie then we would all leave as DM won't eat anything else (this is true) manager then says 'you won't leave' so sister gets up and tells us all to leave. Mum then gets upset and keeps saying 'but I want my toastie, that lovely girl said I could have my toastie '
Then the table next to us, who have heard it all asks why my mother can't have a toastie and it all gets a bit horrible as DM gets very upset.

Bar man who has seen all this has gone to chef had toastie made and brings it out to DM and is just brilliant, tells us that chef is always ready to make the toastie. New manager storms off.

We have dinner as normal.

As we leave manager comes over and says we can't have it next week as it is only for lunch and children.

AIBU to think that this approach is crazy we won't go there again?

Sorry it is so long

They may be independent but it might be worth contacting the brewery that they work with/for and telling them this. There's always a 'chain' of managers and this vile miserable fuckwit will have to answer to some kind of 'head office'

1974devon · 07/08/2024 18:49

What a complete idiot he is. How upsetting for you all. I've worked in pubs before and we would always accommodate a simple request like yours. Terrible customer service :(

Getonwitit · 07/08/2024 19:10

Sweetteaplease · 06/08/2024 20:56

I think if the toastie thing is on a different menu, then that's fair enough as I assume there's some business reason for it. But not allowing the icecream is a bit petty. But as others said, vote with your feet

There is no reason what so ever, the bread and cheese are already in the kitchen, the chef isn't having to heat a fryer to make it, no reason on earth, at least the barman and the chef have a brain unlike the jumped up twat of a manger.

littleorchard45 · 07/08/2024 19:18

As someone with a parent with Alzheimer’s I feel for you - and you need to point out to the pub and the chain that they must up their dementia awareness training!! These days with so many people affected by Alzheimer’s, there is no excuse for this sort of attitude.

Mummamap · 07/08/2024 19:18

You are not being unreasonable at all. It is disgraceful behaviour of the manager - especially as he knew the situation.
I would leave a google review, a trip advisor review and any other view you can about this. You mum needs and deserves the things that make her feel secure - if that is a toastie then it really shouldn’t be a big deal.
i would also email the brewery and let them know what kind of people they are dealing with.

Dizzybet74 · 07/08/2024 19:29

Share your experience on social media in local groups and ask where people would now recommend you all go where your mother's wishes will be respected and you are all made welcome.

Sillyname63 · 07/08/2024 19:32

Any pub/restaurant that turns its nose up this amount of cash on a Monday night is off their heads in these cash strapped times. I would try and contact the owners of you can and tell them what happened.
I can understand a new manager not wanting a precedent being set, but there was no need for it to have got out of hand. As you say a minimum charge for off menu items would be acceptable or little note on the menu saying they will endeavour to accommodate this type of requests at quiet times only.

Blueblell · 07/08/2024 19:32

I wouldn’t give a bad review - I would email the manager directly and explain everything you have said here. Normally you could just vote with your feet but your mum has a routine and feels safe at that place. I would try and win the manager round and obviously you are good customers so it is worth their while keeping your business.

RavenhairedRachel · 07/08/2024 19:34

Vote with your feet don't go again. If it's a chain pub email head office it sounds like they'll be losing a shed load of money.

Bugsbunnie · 07/08/2024 19:46

Maybe give the manager a ring and calmly explain. Offer to pay what your mum would be paying for something off the evening menu.

Bugsbunnie · 07/08/2024 19:53

BakingQueen14 · 06/08/2024 23:11

My elderly aunt&uncle were regulars for food in their local pub for years and any time the family visited we all went. After my aunt died my uncle continued to go just the same but by himself. When he was unwell or it was icy the staff used to take his meal to his house instead. They were so very kind. It doesn't take much to make a difference to someone.

Your mum's been poorly treated. Not to mention the foolishness of losing the additional orders from the rest of the family as a result. It's a real shame. I'd try and complain higher up.

That warms my heart.

Daleksatemyshed · 07/08/2024 20:02

And this is why a family run business is always a better bet then some faceless chain. My DM had dementia so I know how hard it can be @PubToastie and I'm truly sorry the manager was such an arsewipe to you all

WillimNot · 07/08/2024 20:10

I run a pub and can tell you now in those circles as multiple and repeat customers, your DM would have her toastie and ice cream

I don't say this often as I'm in the industry, but please review the experience, but make sure to highlight the exemplary and caring behaviour of the barman, barmaid and chef. That they had to show leadership compared to their manager.

Also contact PubCo and alert them. Mine would not be happy at all.

TaterTots68 · 07/08/2024 20:10

Dreadful. I am a support worker for young adults with disabilities. We are often out and about in the community and eat at pubs. Lots of our service users order from the child menu - it's never been an issue (and saves wastage!). Never had any issues with us carers eating our packed lunch in pubs when we're accompanying our group either. The manager is a jobsworth

takethattastic · 07/08/2024 20:12

Your poor Mum. Who is so callous to not take your DM into consideration. Imagine being that clueless and inconsiderste to not take her situation into account. Take it to his manager and the chain. If changing means that it would upset your DM more I hope you all make a point.

socialdilemmawhattodo · 07/08/2024 20:15

SweetLathyrus · 07/08/2024 13:05

My daughter briefly worked for a chain pub that pretends the individual locations have autonomy to shape themselves to the local community (except for the over salty menus!). She and a colleague got huge praise on trip advisor for helping with a large family group who had similar issues, a parent with disabilities from a stroke and dementia. The good reviews came from the family and other customers who saw what they did. Neither of them passed probation because they didn't 'fit' with the company values.

That is shocking and actually very sad. Hopefully your daughter has found employment with an organisation that appreciates her.

TheEnglishIrishman · 07/08/2024 21:23

Why on earth does it matter whether an adult or child eats a kids meal? It's quite frankly the weirdest thing to enforce.
Even after explaining your situation the manager still refused!! The manager has no compassion or empathy. Narcissistic behaviour.
Name and shame the pub and location so we can all avoid this nasty piece of work.

Jeannie88 · 07/08/2024 21:39

What an unpleasant jobsworth tosser! No I wouldn't be going back. Xx

CatamaranViper · 07/08/2024 21:56

Daleksatemyshed · 07/08/2024 20:02

And this is why a family run business is always a better bet then some faceless chain. My DM had dementia so I know how hard it can be @PubToastie and I'm truly sorry the manager was such an arsewipe to you all

I didn't think it was a faceless chain pub?

Daleksatemyshed · 07/08/2024 22:11

@CatamaranViper maybe I've got lost in the other examples in the thread? I'd be surprised if a family run business would be so short sighted

WalkingonWheels · 07/08/2024 22:12

KuanKaKu · 06/08/2024 22:11

This exactly, it’s a breach of the Equality Act. Write to the brewery / owners and explain the Manager clearly discriminated against a vulnerable adult by refusing to make a reasonable adjustment, ask if their Equality & Diversity policy is available in all establishments.

Show quote history

Absolutely this. I had this with Harvester once. I'd go regularly for lunch with my DM, and as I have a severe bowel condition, I cannot eat most foods, or large amounts. They were more than happy for me to have a children's meal of plain chicken and a jacket potato.

Until the new manager started, and refused to let me have a children's meal. I explained my condition, even showed my blue badge. Still no. I said I was happy to pay got an adult meal, but could they just not put as much food on my plate (no peas, no salad bar, less chips) as I wouldn't be able to eat it and it would be a waste. That was too much for him too.

I complained to the head office of Harvester, mentioned disability, reasonable adjustments and the Equality Act. They sent me a £50 voucher and ensured that I was able to have my smaller meal.

I have no time for jobsworth blokes with zero empathy. It costs nothing to be kind.

brightonrock123456789 · 07/08/2024 22:13

That manager sounds like a first class bell end

CatamaranViper · 07/08/2024 22:14

Daleksatemyshed · 07/08/2024 22:11

@CatamaranViper maybe I've got lost in the other examples in the thread? I'd be surprised if a family run business would be so short sighted

Well maybe not but it's not one or the other.
It could be a small company who now has 2 pubs to run and hired a manager externally to run one while they focus on the newer one.

Daleksatemyshed · 07/08/2024 22:25

Well if that's the case then the new manager isn't doing a good job for them. A bit of flexability would have made it easier in a difficult situation

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