To find this H comment annoying

[Ginge88]

If I forget something or use the wrong plug or something, DH says loudly

"And the 356th way Ginge has fucked up today is...."

Or whatever number is in his head. Frustrating thing is I actually don't mess up things v much and it's him that needs reminders of everything

But yes if he notices says the milk is left out or something il hear him say "and Ginge succeeds in fucking up for the 455th time this week" and chuckling to himself

I've told him to stop. He tells me it's a joke. He does now do it less but he clearly thinks I'm being totally over sensitive

Am I?

Abusive men always say they want 50/50, but in reality they often quickly look for another victim.

Your children will be able to verbalise their treatment by him.
You do know that if they speak about his behaviour in school, they will trigger a report being made.

This isn't about judgement, it's about encouraging you to find the strength to do what you can do.

You are financially stable, which is such a blessing.

If they are happy and peaceful with you minimum 50% of time, THAT is a win.

If he is unkind, you encourag them to talk to their teacher, they will report.

Courts are listening to children more and more.

You can do this.
You just need to reach out and get the best legal advice and support from Women's aid.
You can do this for your children.
At least starting thinking about what leaving would look like.

You're right to be scared for DC, but not for the reasons you think. This man is abusive. It WILL affect your children and cause them harm. They will see and hear his behaviour even if you pretend not to.

Please call the DV helpline, at least to talk to them if nothing else.
www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/how-we-can-support-you/

He sounds like an absolute cunt. He sounded like one with the 'banter' in the OP and gets progressively worse with everything you've written about him. He doesn't sound like he likes or respects you and all of his behaviour is trying to bring you down, because you sound pretty awesome. He is a pathetic little man who needs to point out imaginary flaws in your behaviour, or how you've done your make up to try to cover up how shit a person he is. I understand why you're hesitant to consider leaving but fuck me this is no life, is it??
While you're thinking through what happens next, please listen to yourself on this point especially.

'I definitely definitely don't enjoy having sex with him. I haven't for weeks and am dreading it. I need to say no.'
Yes you need to say no. You NEVER need to have sex with someone you don't want to have sex with.

@Ginge88 Ive read more of your updates now and really feel you need support from a specialist organisation. Your fear of 5050 is very much justified - a colleague of mine recently went through some awful hell after finally leaving her abusive ex husband, and he did all he could to manipulate the courts. That said, and with no judgement from me, please please please call Refuge or Women's Aid to talk all this through with them. Maybe this small step will help to steady you a little and empower you to start seriously considering leaving this horrible situation.

Thanks everyone. It's a weird feeling describing things that feel like they must have happened to someone else as the home feels happy and calm and he's not making dickhead jokes. But all those things did happen. I will call refuge this week. I have been researching splitting so know a bit about the practical bit but the stuff about the DC still feels unclear and risky to me. Thank you everyone

The unknown is always a bit scary, but the known in this case seems scarier. I'm glad to read that you're going to access some professional support. They will help without judgement or pressure.

If you had children it would get a lot worse. He sounds like a bully tbh

The being nice is deliberate. The real him is the abuser. Think Jekyll and Hyde. When he thinks you are getting twitchy and might consider leaving, he will throw a few breadcrumbs of being the person you thought you married, lull you into thinking it was a normal marital blip , before the next round of abuse . The nice him is a mask, a pretend, to hide the real him, the abuser. This is affecting your children. You need to think what sort of marriage are they going to grow up thinking is normal. How to treat their spouses or be treated. This is serious. Abusers usually grew up in an abusive home.
You need to get out. Read up on Narcissism, because it looks as though you have one. Marriage counselling won’t work.mthey never think they are in the wrong and they lie and deflect and projecting .
For your sake and your children’s , plan to leave.

Abusers are super sensitive to their victims mood.
He can sense that you are distracted and are probably finally joining the dots to what a nasty prick he is.

So he quickly realises that he has gone too far.
Time to be pleasant.
Time for the mask to lull you into a false sense of security.
Tim to pull back from the nastiness for a bit.

He knows EXACTLY what he is doing, like all abusive men.

It's a weird feeling describing things that feel like they must have happened to someone else as the home feels happy and calm

Abuse is such a headfuck for the victim. I thought I was going out of my mind towards the end of my marriage but I couldn't articulate why. It's only now that I have the headspace to think without him constantly demanding my every waking thought that I can see his behaviour for what it was. And what I was enduring.

Things have moved on apace since your OP, I hope you're as okay as you can be

You wrote about the bins in the "positive things about him" bit.
then you put this:
"I included putting out the bins as made me smile as he always announces it after he's done and makes some weird joke about me not doing it because I don't do the mucky stuff or don't want to ruin my nails. Which is weird as thats some weird stereotype in his head as ive never given my nails a 2nd thought. "

So it's not a positive thing about him.
He uses it as a weapon.

I bet the cooking is similar: that he says he cooks because you might poison them all or because they want to eat something edible.

It's death by a thousand cuts.

Regarding the house etc. As you earn more, you can prove to a court that you put more money in financially, and it's most likely that you'd get to keep the house as the children's residence. And his pattern of behaviour will be taken into account regarding childcare.

But, in order for this to happen, you need to seek help from Women's Aid or a similar organisation that are experienced and experts in this field.

I thought at first this could be him not realising his joke is a joke. Reading further he is abusive and seems you realise you need out. Best of luck

How are you doing today @Ginge88? It's good you've written all this down and seen that it's not you being a 'nag like your mum' or oversensitive, but rather that we support you and are on your side.

Have you talked to anyone in real life about it - do any of your friends or family know what he's really like?

"And that's the 4th time this week I've meant to look up the number of a divorce lawyer and STILL forgotten."

He's an arse of a man.

I do just think I have low standards maybe. Today I took DCs to kids party, then park, then playdate, was out the house 9 hours and just come back and he's played video games all day and all their breakfast stuff (milk on floor) still there. I sometimes think maybe I just accept stuff other wives wouldn't.

I have talked to other people a little bit but the couple of my close friends I've opened up too a little are a bit "well, it will be very very hard going through divorce" and one said I'd be "truly screwed" in a divorce. But I think I've just said he's a bit of an arse rather than anything else really.

I think that possibly he has 'trained' you to not say anything, because he will be so unpleasant if you do. You don't have to do anything right now, but I would certainly be exploring what you'd need to do in order to divorce him.

I sometimes think maybe I just accept stuff other wives wouldn't.

You've been groomed to accept this type of behaviour and to lower your expectations of him. They all do it. They start off with little things and when they get away with them they up their game and you end up where you are. Have you heard of the boiling frog analogy?

People who have been through abusive relationships will understand what you're going through and how you are feeling. Those fortunate people who haven't might not be as supportive, that's why Women's Aid or a similar organisation is invaluable - you will get understanding and unbiased support. They will be able to tell you whether you will be truly screwed in a divorce with a bit more authority than someone who doesn't know all the details. Yes it will be hard going through it, any divorce is hard, but some hard things in life are necessary and very, very worth it.

I just said no to having sex. He's not hugely physical about it but pesters me and whines about it. I said no and he's started "why don't you just say yes for once. Just say yes". Anyway I stood my ground and now he's lying silently in bed next to me.

I read somewhere on MN "if you're going to disappoint someone, don't let it be yourself"

And I really thought of that tonight. Prioritising myself over his disappointment. You lot have really made me see how bad things have been getting. Thanks

That's such a great thing to prioritise yourself and realise how important you are. Stay strong, you are amazing

"well, it will be very very hard going through divorce"
Well yes... of course it's going to be hard, in places it will be extremely hard, but as long as you accept that it will, accept that some times you are going to have to dig really deep, you will get out the other side. But he's not exactly making your life easy right now anyway, is he?

When it starts to get difficult you have to go back to this place in time and think whether you want to go back to it, on the understanding this would be the good part. Abusers will always make your life miserable, they will always find a way to punish and retrain you. So you have to make a decision - stay in this hellhole for the next twenty years or accept the journey is gonna be worse but the reward will be so, so worth it, for you and the children. The peace, the lack of resentment, the happiness, no more foreboding or having to check your words or your actions.

well, it will be very very hard going through divorce

It'll be harder staying

Well done @Ginge88 💪

Be prepared for his attempts at getting things back to his normal, whether that is sulking or other dickish behaviours, or being nice - they're all just manipulation to get you where he wants you.

You were trained and conditioned by him from day one. Things you would not have accepted then, you accept now. It’s the boiling frog. Put a frog in a pan of hot water, it will jump out. Put it in cold water over a heat and it sits, not noticing the water getting hotter till it’s too late. He treated you perfectly, dream man. Then threw in a few teasing abuses. Just little things. Break through a boundary here and there while still being mostly nice so his asks, remarks, seemed irrelevant and not unreasonable. Then he ups the ante , getting you to take more and more, but remembering to be mr nice guy just enough so you think , ‘it must be me. If I just try harder, it will be like it was in the beginning. ‘ But the beginning was an act. It will never come back because he was acting. That male character does not exist. The actor when not in character is the cruel abusive,snide, AH who pretends to be a victim. He is real and gets worse with age.

Every dig, every barb is deliberate to lower your self esteem. Make you feel useless and that you need him.He needs to boost his ego and self worth by diminishing yours.

He’s an emotional vampire, feeding off the misery he causes you

Divorce is never easy, and this type of guy makes it worse. Document everything, not that it really matters in this country of no fault divorces. Might help to get him out of the house . I don’t know. I left with my son and rented a flat. OH found out the day I left.

You’ll need a family law lawyer. The more you can agree re parenting in advance, the better. If you can agree finances, too. Then you have something to take to court. They might not uphold your agreement and alter something, but they might just accept it. Speeds things up. But speak to domestic abuse people first too.

Well done.
Next move should be to move out of the shared bedroom.
Physical distance will help you to emotionally detach further.
This is a really BAD man.
Make no mistake on that score.
You deserve so much better, as do your children.

Divorce might be a tough process but a better life is on the other side...
Ime.