To find this H comment annoying

[Ginge88]

If I forget something or use the wrong plug or something, DH says loudly

"And the 356th way Ginge has fucked up today is...."

Or whatever number is in his head. Frustrating thing is I actually don't mess up things v much and it's him that needs reminders of everything

But yes if he notices says the milk is left out or something il hear him say "and Ginge succeeds in fucking up for the 455th time this week" and chuckling to himself

I've told him to stop. He tells me it's a joke. He does now do it less but he clearly thinks I'm being totally over sensitive

Am I?

Your husband sounds like a bastard. A chronically online one.

my husband has never once spoken to me like that. It is not normal.

After feeling pretty clear headed last night I feel bloody awful today. H has gone out for the day so home with DC and they're being all over the place and causing chaos! Work is looming tomorrow. Feel really really down that I'm nearly 40 and made such bad choices over and over again.

"Jokes are funny, dearest. Am I laughing?"

OP, don't feel down. We all make the best choices we can at the time, none of us can see into the future. People and relationships can change. You are still a young woman with plenty of years ahead of you and children grow up very quickly. Take the long term view. Maybe start planning to leave in a couple of years?

@Ginge88 sorry to hear you're feeling down. This is a lot to process and it's completely understandable you might feel that way. You've already made the first steps where you've been looking at separation/divorce. Recognising the abuse seems to have been difficult for you, but you're coming to that realisation too. I hope you'll feel able to access support from a DV organisation as a next step.

Don't underestimate the influence your DH will have had over your choices, and as @hildabaker said, none of us know what the future will bring. Please don't be so hard on yourself. It's undeserved and is likely a symptom of the abuse you've been enduring.

Oh OP, this sounds AWFUL, and my heart goes out to you.

Could you find some time to have some individual counselling, to help you get your head in order and provide a bit of an outlet? I found it very helpful when my marriage was having a rocky time.

I wouldn’t presume to tell someone they would definitively be better off leaving, but I would encourage you to ask yourself a) can you be the parent you want to be in this atmosphere? Maybe you can fake it now, but how about when they’re older and infinitely more perceptive? b) do you really want your kids to grow up thinking this is how men treat women?

I left my ex-h five years ago and I am now the parent I always wanted to be, and the results have been dramatic in terms of their resilience, happiness and well-being.

You can turn this around.
40 is no age believe me, at nearly 60.
You have so much living and happiness ahead of you if you reach out for help to leave a highly abusive relationship.
Your life can only get better.

@Ginge88 It's a lot to get your head round learning that who you thought was an irritating twat is actually an abusive irritating twat and that their behaviour is deliberate. It's especially a lot to get your head round when they are still in your life, filling your head with their shit, and your busy life with all that that entails isn't allowing you the headspace you need to start putting your thoughts in order.

You'll have days when it all seems too much, just go with it, we need to get the emotions out, but please don't blame yourself for the situation you are now in.

And you will have days when you feel like an absolute WARRIOR 💪 - go with that too and use that energy while you've got it so that you can nurture yourself on the not so good days

I love the disappointment saying - will be thinking of that now.

Another saying I find powerful is: easy decisions lead to a hard life, and hard decisions lead to an easy life.

It feels like a huge hurdle and upheaval to contemplate leaving him right now, but in the end putting it to the back of your mind and not taking the plunge will make you (and the kids) more miserable.

He is appalling. He’s insecure, he’s substandard, he’s cruel, he’s frightening and he is oh-so-abusive. I am so repulsed by him and his behaviour OP I can’t even say.

Fuck, I hope you’re free of this freeloading lazy piece of shit soon.

Your friend who said "you'll be screwed" if you divorce has a point. As the higher earner, you could end up getting less out of the equity/pension pot etc.

However, the longer you leave divorce the more screwed you'll be.

Unless you think he's going to become a multimillionaire through work or inheritance etc, literally every penny you are ploughing into the mortgage, pension, savings etc could be split 60/40 in his favour upon divorce (obviously the % split is a guesstimate).

The quicker you leave home, the less he gets and more of your future earnings will go into building your brighter future life.

Don't suffer another decade of this, only to find out you've been putting up with his horrendous treatment of you, and having bad sex (or no sex) just to end up with even less financially than if you left today.

Yes - @buttonsB4 - i might well be screwed. we have a joint mortgage yet i pay for all of it and all home improvements etc. i've got myself in a really stupid position.. also, keep thinking about how when we split - he will get himself a new girlfriend as quickly as he can and that makes me feel so sad for DC.

but you're right - the longer it's left - the harder it will be on the finances and the kids.

feel sad as my colleagues are all going on holiday with their families and we aren't going anywhere. H wasn't bothered about going, and I agreed - we went last year for our first family holiday and it was hellish! we had one argument over something silly - and he then held it against me the whole time - sulking, complaining, and i was paying for everything and planning everything and i just hated it! once the DC were asleep - he would look at his phone in the room while i sat outside by myself drinkign wine feeling so lonely!

i so deparately want to take the kids places - do stuff with them - but i have to face up to the fact it's not enjoyable with H.

I find it hard to understand what is happening. He's in a foul mood tonight. But when i say what's wrong he says "I'm just exhausted. Am I not allowed to be exhausted". And actually he's not doing anything so to speak. He's not shouting. There is just this mood. And I find it so hard to navigate. He just told DS he has to "finish all his rice" at dinner and DS started crying saying "please only half" and then H starts telling me "don't be soft. He needs to eat all his dinner. Don't undermine me. I'm being reasonable" but I don't think it is reasonable. DS is so young, it's hot, he doesn't have to finish everything on his plate! I hate having to compromise like this. But I hate the thought of DC navigating H alone when he's being like this!!

It's impossible! I really understand why women stay. But I know I can't.

I just wanted to send you a hug and tell you I know exactly what you mean. I stayed because I couldn't bear the thought of the children being alone with him. My youngest is nearly 18 and I am planning my escape. But it's no easier and I wish I had been brave enough to do it sooner.
When he is alone with your children he won't treat them in the way he does when you are there, because he is using them to get at you. I have been told I am too soft countless times, it's just another power struggle with your children caught in the crossfire. It's despicable.
I really do sympathise, it's not easy and will take all the courage you have, but you deserve a better life and so do your children.

It’s so so difficult. But the “don’t undermine me” will always be over an issue where he has pre-picked an insane position.
He is force feeding your child to punish you- and it is a test.
the worst thing of course is that if you try to discuss afterwards that he is making you complicit in the abuse of your own children you will get complete denials. But it is the sort of issue that you need to divorce over.

I had this dynamic with a close family member and it’s only after a few years of no contact that I realise how much it wore me down, I just thought it was banter.

Does he ever praise you, thank you or tell you that you look beautiful?

Reason I ask is that I was just trying to think about what he is thinking when he makes those ‘joke’ comments or gets lairy and in-ur-face, frightening the kids in the process. If the answer to the above question is no, then I suspect he has contempt for you. Contempt is the death knell of marriage.

It’s not unusual for contempt to creep in, particularly during the first years of parenthood. Life is just one endless emptying ofthe dishwasher, putting the bins out, cutting up tiny sandwiches and paying the bills. People forget that love, like a flower, will just wither and die unless it is watered and cared for. So, perhaps you both have got out of the habit of saying and doing nice things for each other, and have not created a positive feedback loop where you look forward to seeing each other.

This is where marriage counselling can help.

The other thing I’d like to mention is the very tiresome phenomenon, noticed by myself and other older women in my life, whereby the woman seems to have responsibility for generating the mood of the house. As if we didn’t have enough to sort out already! It’s the reason why, when you get PMT, instead of giving us a hug and a chocolate bar, men get all grumpy and try to grump us into cheering up. It is possible that because you’re feeling down, he’s feeding off that. Not an excuse, of course, but a possible explanation.

Next steps? Probably an honest discussion with him.

You do realise that H was most likely punishing you via DC/rice? Once you are split there is a good chance he won't care if DC eats all his rice because you won't be witnessing DCs tears or upset. He's enjoying your distress not DCs.

Get rid asap, and in the meantime learn the art of greyrock. Keep walking out the room if you feel upset so he can't read your face. Next mealtime go upstairs and put headphones on - you will be doing this anyway when it's Hs 50% parenting time during the separation process, assuming he will want 50% (of washing up, laundry, shopping, breakfast times, school runs, bathtimes etc, all the chores and drudge of real parenting).

Oh absolutely he is abusing his child to upset you.
That poor little boy.
Men like him are the absolute worst.
He wants to keep you in line that is why he does this.

I agree with PPs that he is using the rice and your DS to get at you @Ginge88

I also agree with @AutumnFroglets that greyrock will see you through some tough times until you are free.

I very strongly disagree with @HFJ that you need an honest discussion with him. He knows what he's doing and he doesn't want it pointing out to him, it would only result in more pain and distress for you. As would joint counselling which is never a good idea with an abuser. Unless the counsellor is very up on the matter he will get them on side and use it as yet another stick to beat you with and you would come out of it much worse off.

As for him feeding off your mood - just no.

I find it hard to understand what is happening ... And actually he's not doing anything so to speak. He's not shouting. There is just this mood. And I find it so hard to navigate.

That's abuse for you. Mine was the same. You are on eggshells, trying to work out what is wrong and trying to work out what you can do to fix it. There is nothing wrong and there is nothing you can do to fix it. He doesn't want it fixed, he wants you to be feeling the way you do. To be doubting yourself and unhappy. To an outsider looking in they might well be wondering what your problem is because he's not doing anythiing. But you know, it's all for you, you can feel it because you're supposed to. This is why WA or similar would be such a help to you @Ginge88 , they get it, they will help to give you the strength you need to get through this

Definitely using ds to wind you up. Why can't you see this?

You should document all of these instances for evidence.

It can be very difficult to see abusive behaviour for what it is when you are in the relationship.The abuser keeps your mind constantly filled with their shit intentionally so you don't have the headspace to see their behaviour for what it is. Once you are out from under their cloud things become clearer and you realise what you have been enduring. Fortunate are those who don't understand.

@MillyCentTap let's hope her eyes have been opened for ds sake? My dm let us suffer.

Could you have a separate conversation with him about the rice? Children usually eat intuitively and my attitude has always been that they don’t have to finish their food if they’re full. It’s only rice - it could have gone into the bin without any fuss. I still remember my friend’s Mum making me sit at the table until I’d eaten everything on my plate and that was about 45 years ago. It’s a horrible situation for a child to be put in and your husband needs to know that this can lead to all sorts of issues around food. If a lunchtime supervisor at school did this to your child it would rightly be cause for a complaint. It’s nothing to do with you undermining him and everything to do with him being unreasonable.