To find this H comment annoying

[Ginge88]

If I forget something or use the wrong plug or something, DH says loudly

"And the 356th way Ginge has fucked up today is...."

Or whatever number is in his head. Frustrating thing is I actually don't mess up things v much and it's him that needs reminders of everything

But yes if he notices says the milk is left out or something il hear him say "and Ginge succeeds in fucking up for the 455th time this week" and chuckling to himself

I've told him to stop. He tells me it's a joke. He does now do it less but he clearly thinks I'm being totally over sensitive

Am I?

You’re partner is controlling you. He’s doing it in such an insidious way that it’s taken you years to notice.
He doesn’t hit you, He’s not aggressive, BUT you are scared of him. Your sons will become just like him, I am trying to scare you now.
Next time he belittles you, start crying, get very upset and tell him that his constant criticism is too much.
If he’s a good person, he will feel bad and adjust his behaviour. If he’s a shit person, he’ll either laugh fat you more, or get aggressively defensive.
then you’ll know xx

What a tit! YANBU

Although there’s been some brilliant and pithy suggestions made by other posters of how to hit back at him I kind of think it wouldn’t be the way to go. I think he’d step up and, as he’s clearly enough of a tosser to have started it, he’d just escalate it and get meaner. Have you tried to ask him, in a calm manner after one of his quips, why he does it? Is his intent to completely humiliate you? Bring you down a peg or two as you’re clearly the engine-room in the relationship? Is his self-esteem so low that that’s what he requires to make himself feel more of a man? Does he think this is a great example to his kids of how to treat his spouse?

I’d ask him in a wide-eyed curious way, as if you’re completely concerned for him. Make him think.

Also think yourself. Watch his reaction. And if you really think he’s not adjusting his behaviour and it’s not fixable, prep to leave.

The fact that he becomes 'very angry' when you raise this with him tells all.
He thinks you should accept his contempt...and what's more, he'll bully you into doing so.

What an absolute wanker.

either:

"interesting - that's also the 356th step towards divorce this week!"

or, you sit him down, and earnestly tell him "when you do that, it makes me feel like shit. every time is another little bit of love/respect chipped away. at some point, there won't be anything left".

This, along with all the other stuff you've said about him, makes me think he's bullying twat who simply doesn't like women. He's a misogynist. He literally doesn't want you to feel good about yourself.

Do you really want your sons growing up thinking it's normal for a man to patronise and humiliate his partner?

Honestly, from what you've said here - he is regularly unpleasant to you, he humiliates you, he acts as if he is superior to you in every way, he believes in awful conspiracy bullshit spouted by a literal rapist, and he's awful in bed. So he parents his kids and takes the bins out, big fucking deal. You've set yourself a very low bar here.

He’s doing it because he knows that you’re too good for him and he wants you to feel bad about yourself so that you’ll not leave him. It’s really sad. I could not put up with this.

He's v loving and hands on with kids.

That's not a bonus that needs to be mentioned, that's basic parenting. I expect you're loving and hands on too.

Add in the fact that you're the higher earner and he's shit in bed, what's keeping you with him? I'm surprised you can bear to have sex with him at all. If you don't want to split maybe come to some arrangement where you have separate bedrooms and you take a lover.

i have tried to talk to him about stuff before but it gets pretty wild pretty quickly.

Meaning what?

Following with interest. My STBXH has a large public sector pension built up over 25 years whereas I have minimal pension and I have credit card debt. But I earn 3 x what he does. I really don't want to lose my home and hoping his pension is large enough to be a negotiating tactic - e.g. leave the hoise alone and ill leave your pension alone

Op you posted this 2days ago. Fuck his comments, concentrate on protecting your assets.

I remember with my ex, I got a future flash when he was 'joking' similarly at me that some day if I stayed, there would be a little kid laughing along with daddy taking the piss out of mummy and thinking it's ok to call her a stupid cunt. That chilled me and I knew in that moment, no matter how I loved him, I would be leaving him.
It's over 20 years ago and I got that little toddler in the end. Our house is full of teasing and pranks but underpinning that is respect towards each other. If a joke is hurtful, it's not a joke, and a sincere apology is offered.

You may find that as the boys get older, his 'humour' will be directed at them and will upset them. He'll probably expect that as boys, they should be tougher and in turn, learn to abuse people right back... banter eh? Or punish them for being "soft"

It's instances like this that you'd nearly pray for him to find an OW and leave isn't it? to be honest, men like that often do exactly that once they realise you won't put up with their shit - so pull him every time. Even just a mild "that's a mean thing to say" or "I don't deserve you speaking to me that way" or " not much of a comedian if that's your idea of a joke" and hold him to account... every time. Don't let him drag you in to a row, just walk away. If he has a go at you because you aren't taking his "jokes" tell him he's just not funny or attractive when he's mean. If he accuses you of not having a sense of humour, retort back that his brand of funny isn't humorous to you. Just be indifferent and don't engage. That extends to intimacy as well. Arsey jokes aren't a turn on so why would you want to shag someone who's spent most of the day talking to you like shit. Meanwhile start thinking and planning a strategy for life on your own with the DC.

I did that with the ex above. And within a couple of months, we were both split up. I'd been secretly lining up a place to live and getting my paperwork in order, he was secretly lining up the next gullible fool. I don't get much right in life but walking away from a man like this was the best thing I ever did.

People that belittle like that don’t discuss. They just say ‘you have no sense of humour’ ‘It’s a joke’ You’re too sensitive’ and if you try to push for discussion, they’ll get angry and either start shouting or walk off ‘I can’t be bothered with this nonsense You’re crazy. You need help’
They belittle because it makes the other person feel belittled, demeaned, stupid and therefore makes them feel superior, clever, boosts their ego. They often have a fragile high self esteem and behave like this to boost themselves in their minds.

Reply with the same number and say that’s the 365 reason you aren’t getting a blow job

@pinkyredrose "getting pretty wild". Well, it's hard to imagine right now as he's being calm and pleasant right now. We are watching Olympics with kids playing. All idyllic

But when things are rough as I'm said unhappy I've had all sorts, called a cunt, bitch, etc screamed in front of kids so they run under table - it feels weird writing that down as sounds awful and also feels v far away from now. But thungz like me cancelling my birthday because he wouldn't stop shouting at me. Told me I used to be cool and now I'm a fucking oversensitive nag just like my mum.

I can't imagine him doing those things now but he has done. I keep a hidden note on my phone to try and remember.

@KreedKafer yes I know, low standards. I included putting out the bins as made me smile as he always announces it after he's done and makes some weird joke about me not doing it because I don't do the mucky stuff or don't want to ruin my nails. Which is weird as thats some weird stereotype in his head as ive never given my nails a 2nd thought. He can be really attentive like he's being right now but deep down I know he's cruel in lots of ways

I definitely definitely don't enjoy having sex with him. I haven't for weeks and am dreading it. I need to say no.

Please leave him, if not for yourself but for your little ones.
I grew up in a household where things were said/done that have had a long lasting impact on at least 2 of us children.
Now I have children of my own I can’t imagine why my Dad, in my case didn’t stand up for himself and us.
Trying to keep the family together for the sake of the children with someone who belittles you, screams profanities in your face and things it’s funny to try and ‘rub off’ your make up when you have planned to go somewhere else is not going to do your children any favours long term.
Trauma can be long lasting and current research suggests that heightened stress responses etc felt by people can in fact be passed on to the next generation so they in turn can have heightened responses to thibgs without ever having had direct experience of any trauma, the best way to protect your children is to remove them from this situation and become the person you were always meant to be.

Fucking hell Op! He needs to leave asap, your last update is fucking horrific!

Is the house in your name or joint?

He can sense that you are building resistance to his shit @Ginge88 , that's why he's on a 'good' spell just now. Once he's relaxed enough that you're not going to do anything about him he'll start again, and perhaps punish you that little bit extra for him having to behave for a while.

But things like me cancelling my birthday because he wouldn't stop shouting at me.

They hate our birthdays. Why should the attention be on someone other than the all important them. Twats.

I would not tell him the way he behaves towards you makes you feel like shit, that is only boosting his ego. There is no point in trying to work this out with him, he's not going to change. The details in your latest post are even more worrying. The children are running under the table? Please, please speak to someone like Women's Aid, just for a chat, you don't need to make any decisions you're not ready to, they won't force you to leave but I do think you need to get this out of your house in real life. Behaviour like his thrives in secrecy. And escalates.

They ran under the table once. He was making another shitty joke and I told him to give it a rest and there was tensios3n already and somehow it went to 100 in 0 seconds. And he shouted you fucking cunt and the younger one burst into tears and ran under the table and H kept shouting. I know it's bad but just to say these are unusual infrequent things. But it is why it makes it hard for me to talk to him about how jokes make me feel. @pinkyredrose

House is in joint names. And I earn a lot more than him. I worry about what might happen a lot. To my kids, home, income. I do think about being alone a lot.

Women's Aid will be able to talk through your worries and advise you on so much @Ginge88 . They really are a great support, they understand

Your poor children, what an ugly environment.
Your children will not forget such instances, no matter how much you hope they do.

I remember reading about a woman who left an awful man like yours, with no money and no job.
She was asked how did she find the bravery when she was so frightened.

She answered, "I realised my love for my children and my desire for them to have a good childhood was greater than my fear for myself and of leaving".

What a woman. That's what it comes down to for me.
Having greater love for your children than for yourself and the fear of change.

This is a really house terrorist who is emotionally abusing those poor children and you.

@Goldcushions2 the fear is not for myself, it's for them.

You do know 5050 is standard these days? So DC would be spending 50% of the next decade with his as sole parent before they were given any say? I can't just up and leave.

And yes he would want 5050, of course he would

They are not scared. It's not healthy but I promise you they are happy day to day. I worry they would be caused more harm in split. All my indecision is because of them.

There is a real judgement in your post.

There is a real judgement in your post.

I agree.

Next time he says it, turn round and say 'and this is the 367th (add one to his number) way my dh has used the same joke'

The reason your marriage counselling failed is because you cannot counsel an abusive relationship.

You say you know it's bad, but do you realise just HOW bad this is?? You and your children will be so much happier when you leave him.