To find this H comment annoying

[Ginge88]

If I forget something or use the wrong plug or something, DH says loudly

"And the 356th way Ginge has fucked up today is...."

Or whatever number is in his head. Frustrating thing is I actually don't mess up things v much and it's him that needs reminders of everything

But yes if he notices says the milk is left out or something il hear him say "and Ginge succeeds in fucking up for the 455th time this week" and chuckling to himself

I've told him to stop. He tells me it's a joke. He does now do it less but he clearly thinks I'm being totally over sensitive

Am I?

Please do this and report back 😆

I haven’t read all the comments, but I’ve read all op’s updates, and a vile odious oik, shit in bed, just about covers it. The boys will end up just like him if this miserable, miserable, marriage continues.

@Ginge88

you cannot debase yourself to live with this wanker because you're scared for your boys.

it won't be many more years before he's doing it to them too.

then it'll really break your heart & hurt that you didn't get them out of there when they were younger.

they need their mum, not a shadow of the woman she really is.

take the boys & get the fuck out, while you still recognise how shit he's making you feel. You AND the boys deserve better!

I think it would be a good idea for you to contact Women's Aid or another domestic abuse charity to get some advice about keeping yourself and your children as safe as possible, especially if you are considering ending the relationship. The support from those who understand and have tools to deal with it will be invaluable for you

OP, please start planning your exit via womans aid and legal advice.

You cannot seriously believe it is better for your children to be with him full-time than part time.

You are so wrong if you think that.
Get advice.

Oh goodness Ginge, I've just read your updates and it's not you making him sound like he's not much of a catch, he's doing that all by himself.

The crying at your counselling sessions sounds like manipulation to me.

Also, if you're worried about your or your children's safety around him, even if it's just a niggle, then he's not a good man.

I don't say this lightly but please don't sacrifice your own life because you don't want to upset the manchild. By the sounds of it you would be just fine on your own with your boys where you're not having to put up with his 'jokes' or walking on eggshells around him so not to upset him in front of the kids.

Often father and daughter look down on mother (woman) together. They exchange meaningful glances when she misses a point. They agree that she is not bright as they are, cannot reason as they do. This collusion does not save the daughter from the mother’s fate.
— Bonnie Burstoww^
Radical Feminist Therapy: Working in the Context of Violence

Something to think about. He teaching your children contempt of you or that being laughed at by your significant other is normal and healthy in a marriage

Sorry if this has already been said but it sounds to me as if he is threatened by you being the main earner and the organised one so is constantly trying to belittle you

He's a horrible person AND he's bad in bed?? I'm hoping I'm going to RTFT and discover you're making plans to leave.

I’d say “why don’t you fucking grow up you moron”

I thought some people might say i should chill out, others might think it was a bit cruel - but as the thread has gone on you all seem to think he's pretty awful!! He can be nice and funny too! But I don't see a way to resolve it. I know those comments and put downs will be part of our dynamic - they have been for so long. Even today I popped into a shop to buy the boys a treat and found myself thinking of H would approve or if he'd make a remark.

It seems silly as its just small comments but there are a lot of them

Op, in over 27 years of marriage, I have never once, not ever, wondered if my husband would have a derogatory remark for something I've said or done, nor has he ever spoken to me the way your husband speaks to you. Literally not one single time. I genuinely don't think you fully appreciate, even after everything you've been told in this thread, just how abusive and horrendous his treatment of you is. It is fucking appalling, and it is incomprehensible why you put up with it. You don't need him, and your children certainly don't need his example. What a dreadful way to spend the rest of your life, with a man who doesn't even like you.

Yes, this is exactly what I would have done too. I would have tried to stay calm and be Very cold in my response - there is no way I’m going out with someone who behaves like this. You can forget that.

You really need to get tough now. He needs to learn pretty quickly that his comments have consequences.

Yes, I think is the case. Massive and pathetic insecurity and his mother encourages it.

Each and every time he demeans you I'd ask him quietly 'Does it make you feel better to put me down? Is that what you need to feel better about yourself?'

And I'd be getting everything sorted to leave him.

You don't want your children growing up thinking it's ok to mock their mum or that bringing others down builds they own self worth.

Your H sounds cruel, insecure and unwilling to address his behaviour.

I do get it @Aquamarine1029 Slowly perhaps! He was rolling around on the floor with the boys this morning being sweet and funny with them and I find it hard to remember all the shitty things he says to me. Having said that when I left for work, he barely looked up from his phone. I am probably used to everyday disrespect. My dad was v angry and my childhood was dominated by everyone keeping him happy at all costs. I find it v v hard, almost impossible, to contemplate disrupting the lives of DC and H in order to improve my own. But I'm re reading this thread on my way to work reflecting. God what a mess I'm in.

Hit back with some patter

if you want to finish him off for good say

“that saying is getting very old. You didn’t overcome abortion to dish out poor banter like that”

I'd be saying to him, 'it doesn't matter if you think or tell yourself it's just banter. I don't have to see it that way, and I don't. It hurts. It makes me wonder why you are with me, and why I am with you. You have done it so much, I am thinking of looking into separating, and ultimately divorcing you. There is so much that I could say to you - as 'just bant's'. But I don't. Because it would be unkind and cruel, and even if I don't like a person, let alone love them, I don't want to needlessly hurt them.'

Also, I wouldn't be looking into mediation or counselling with him. Because he's an emotionally and verbally abusive bastard.

I have only read the OPs posts but it seems as though most pp are in agreement. He's a horrible person and not a good dad.

i don't want them (dc) to grow up in a house of conflict.
But you are okay for them to grow up in a house of abuse?
(And learning how to do it to others/learning to accept it when others abuse them)

You call him a good dad but then you say he plays with them and takes out the bins. WTAF? Playing with children does not equate to being a good parent otherwise schoolfriends would also be classed as parents. You need to open your eyes and actually look, because a good parent does not belittle their partner.

Look up emotional or mental abuse OP. Then get the hell out of there.
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/what-is-emotional-abuse/

It's horrible, start doing it back.

God, you poor love.

My dad is similar to yours and it stays with you for a lifetime.

Maybe now is the time to start questioning more things. Maybe this thread will be the pinprick of light you see at the end of the tunnel. I hope you are able to leave him eventually.💐

A lot of people have suggested this, but what do you all think it will achieve?

If your relationship has reached the point where you are taking turns to sneer at and belittle the other, in order to score points and feel like you've 'won' - then your marriage is dead in the water. Just put it out of its misery and divorce, because it's a horrible way to live, and an awful example to set to kids.

He can be nice and funny too!

That's part of the pattern of abuse, it's one of the tools he uses to keep you there. It's one of the tools he uses to make you doubt yourself. It's one of the tools he'll use in his narrative that you are the bad one, because he's the nice and funny one.

But I don't see a way to resolve it.

That's because there is no way to resolve it. His behaviour is working for him, he's not going to change that. Why should he, he's doing nothing wrong, he's funny and nice and you're the oversensitive one who can't take a joke and doesn't understand banter. Poor him.

It seems silly as its just small comments but there are a lot of them

Death by a thousand cuts. It doesn't seem silly to those of us who have been through similar behaviours with the same results. We hear you.

Please have a think about speaking to WA. Don't keep his behaviour a secret from your friends and family. This type of behaviour thrives in secrecy. There will be some who don't get it, they are the fortunate ones, but those who do will understand, and that is what you need right now, some understanding

Please think about how much better your life and your boys life will be if you can leave him

He is belittling you.
He is showing you no respect.
He is using the bullys defence of "can't you take a joke?"
Would he behave like this to a colleague?

And next time he says "there's the 365th time" don't let him finish, tip a glass of water of his head, whoop "AND THERE WE HAVE IT LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE MAGICAL 366TH TIME! WHAT A LAUGH WE ARE ALL HAVING"

Obviously don't do that. But maybe imagining doing it and laughing in his face will wipe that smirk off it.