To find this H comment annoying

[Ginge88]

If I forget something or use the wrong plug or something, DH says loudly

"And the 356th way Ginge has fucked up today is...."

Or whatever number is in his head. Frustrating thing is I actually don't mess up things v much and it's him that needs reminders of everything

But yes if he notices says the milk is left out or something il hear him say "and Ginge succeeds in fucking up for the 455th time this week" and chuckling to himself

I've told him to stop. He tells me it's a joke. He does now do it less but he clearly thinks I'm being totally over sensitive

Am I?

Well done, now stick to your guns - cancel the appointment or contact Relate, state you're in an abusive relationship and have no desire to attend counselling as you wish to end the relationship.

Tune out his pointless noise, because that is all it is. Only communicate necessary stuff and anything properly important, do it in writing in some way.

Well done on telling him that your marriage is over. You are really brave.

I'm not surprised that he thinks that you won't be able to manage without him! He is a deluded, inadequate narcissist with a pathological lack of self awareness.

I don't think that he sees your DC as people, but as extensions of himself and weapons to punish you with. In some ways it would be better for you and your children if he left you to look after the kids all by yourself without his toxic influence.

He cannot believe/accept it. As he walking out the door this morning he says "you have until 10am to make your mind up about counselling. Message me your decision please"

And then shut the door.

Honestly it’s completely delusional behaviour isn’t it? I’m divorcing one of these as well. It’s like the dog has suddenly started talking to them or something, I can imagine them shaking their head and thinking ‘no I can’t have heard that’. Once you see it and you are a bit past the hurt it actually becomes amusing to watch, look forward to that day OP. Sending hugs xx 💖

Or his ‘house bot’ is malfunctioning ….

There are a couple of fabulous historic threads from women going through what you are. This one sticks out and I’ve linked to the final one with the happy ending but there is a full story recap and links to the very beginning.

Will It Happen…

also search for @Stuckinpollyannamode for her story of navigating a difficult H through divorce. What eventually turns into the Polly and her Dollies threads.

both highly inspiring and follows through in real time the journey from hell to Hope. Spoiler - they both have happy endings.

they may help gain some comfort in knowing you are not alone. Good luck.

Is he drunk? You already gave him your answer

Don't reply to him at all. You have given him your answer. You are not attending counselling. He is trying to g to take back control again. Just do nothing.

shit - i've already messaged him. I've probably said too much but i wanted it in writing.

i said - "I will not change my mind so please stop asking me, I do not want to go to counselling so please cancel it. Also, you continue to shout/swear at me and talk about our relationship when the kids are in the room, I will not respond when you do this, so please stop doing this. It is very harmful to them and I will leave the room when you start doing this".

i absolutely don't want to get into back and forth with him. i wont' write to him again.

Sounds good to me!

Your message is fine and very clear.

Unfortunately, I doubt he will take this on board as he doesn't have his kids' best interests at heart. His desire to punish and humiliate you is greater than his love for his children. He is a small, petty but dangerous man.

He is not drunk. Only the answer he wants is acceptable. He fully expects her to do as he wants, to cave because he has had control for so long, These guys are god in their own universe, where everything is what they say it should be. The are not accountable, they have complete control and the right to maintain that control however they see fit. They are never wrong or in the wrong. They will play the victim.
Part of their brain is undeveloped..the part where empathy lives. I can’t remember the name but is the common denominator for these people..not just guys. Often during childhood, they were made to feel less than, and developed a coping mechanism of lying, hiding the shame they feel, pretending a persona that seems more acceptable. This results in this brain ‘damage’ ..not developing empathy, caring. Life is an act.
They cannot be helped, they cannot be ‘cured ‘. They have cognitive empathy..and responses..they learned from observing , how people react in certain situations, so they can pretend they are feeling emotions they don’t feel. Know what words to say, how to act. But it’s a mask hiding the cold person they really are. It always slips and when they take it off, often after the birth of a child, which, in their mind, means the mother is trapped with them, the behaviours are scary.

So he will keep on expecting her to cave in to his demands , which he will then manipulate in his favour. He really does not expect to have to move out.

Don’t feel pity or guilty. They are still making choices

Its fine! You are fine! Don’t second guess yourself too much! Look at it this way: he finally heard you. His parting shot this morning means that he actually heard your refusal and he had to extend his deadline and go back on his (stupid) or else threat. How absurd he looks! And he knows it.

Just remember in the future that you have already pulled the trigger. You have expressed your red lines so always follow through with a consequence for his crossing it. Be ready to escalate your response—ie to him cursing you or threatening you. Just “leaving the room” may not be sufficient as he may use your response to manipulate you: ie he may start abusing you in order to get you to leave the room/lose face with the children/miss out on something.

Do not go back to JADE ing with him. No more JUSTIFYING, ARGUING,DEFENDING or EXPLAINING. Just be simple and direct as though you are dealing with a very stupid animal.

Follow through on whatever you have stated you will do.

For the future, where you say I do not want to go to counseling so please cancel it,

• he doesn’t care what you want, so there’s no point writing that
• but you can choose what you do. You write ‘I will not go to counselling’
• where you wrote please cancel it, why? What’s it to you? He booked it, you’re not going. Up to him if he cancels it, this one is squarely not your problem. Drop the rope.

so you should have written: I will not go to counselling.

Don't stress about the message! Getting the comment about shouting in makes it a good message because you should never go to counselling with an abusive partner.
He can't show that to anyone as evidence of you being unreasonable, because you were slightly too polite. To me it totally reads like someone acting placating towards an aggressive partner. So it works in your favour.

I would keep any messages as you may need to show a solicitor

Don’t stress too much about getting the message exactly right. You have now, in a written message, stated very clearly that you will not go to counselling. I really think you need to get on with the divorce. He’s obviously going to make it as difficult as he possibly can, but the longer you wait the longer he has to think of more ways to be awful. If you let him he’ll be back and forth with promises of being reasonable just to string you along.

Excellent message. He is abusing your children.
Nothing wrong with you texting that.

Hope you are ok OP...

I hope you are OK op. My exh fumed for years I had left him. How dare I!? Ds about 10 told me he knew his df hated me more than he loved them. He was a terrible df but psychologically... I found out he used to hit them until he became too unwell to get upstairs...

A good rule if thumb for messages going forward is:

1. hold them for 12-4 hours. [you are going to feel a lot of tension rising as you Have been trained to try to bring closure to difficult situations. This is the “tension rising” phase of the abuse cycle.But you can retrain yourself. Just distract yourself. Make a plan to ignore his demands and execute your plan. Your tension will plateau and come down. Observe yourself and your emotions from a distance. This will give you more control. The more you have the less he has.]

2. Write out your response and then, as others have said upthread, remove vague wiggle words or explanations (thats the JADE). Don’t ask for his understanding or plead for empathy or make vague statements about the harm he is doing to you or the children. Its like writing to a thief

“I am sorry to tell you that I would prefer you not enter my house and steal the precious necklace, all I have left of my dear mother, which I have hidden in an unlocked drawer by my bed. I know that you would never want to mistakenly violate my boundaries by taking it.”

All he sees is “the precious necklace…is in the unlocked drawer…take it.”

I agree with pp that your message was good, OP. I think your instincts are right and you just need to believe in yourself.

He is now doing his own therapy apparently. He has become quiet, polite around the house and being v kind with the kids. I'm just focusing on work and get through the next week and then I'll bring up him moving out again.

Hi OP. So he backed down and didn't make you go? That's good, he realises you are serious, finally.