To find this H comment annoying

[Ginge88]

If I forget something or use the wrong plug or something, DH says loudly

"And the 356th way Ginge has fucked up today is...."

Or whatever number is in his head. Frustrating thing is I actually don't mess up things v much and it's him that needs reminders of everything

But yes if he notices says the milk is left out or something il hear him say "and Ginge succeeds in fucking up for the 455th time this week" and chuckling to himself

I've told him to stop. He tells me it's a joke. He does now do it less but he clearly thinks I'm being totally over sensitive

Am I?

I've said no to counselling consistently over the last few days. Calm, polite but "no, I do not want to do counselling". I look at my email this afternoon and there is a Relate confirmation of an appointment on Thursday evening that I did not agree to. He messages me saying "you will see the paid for appointment in your diary on Thursday".

Do I go and just use it to safely reiterate that it is over? Or do I refuse to turn up l? It's online so we will be in the same house. Ridiculous.

He's back to being foul to me again. He can't even keep up the act 24 hours!

Ginge, Do NOT attend the counselling session. Abusers are not safe people to attend counseling with.

I don't know if this link will copy in, but here's a thorough explanation (essentially, abuse is not a relationship problem) : https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/

Can you call Relate to cancel and maybe explain to them that this is a abusive relationship?

Echoing previous reply: no do not go.

Disadvantages of attending:

• it shows him that when you say no to him, you don't mean it and he can force you to do what he wants through persistence and going behind your back
• it forces you to engage with him in a process designed to try to save your relationship when you do not want to save it
• it will give him a platform to be manipulative and try to make you feel sorry for him again. I recall you saying that he previously cried and made it impossible for your perspective to be heard, eliciting comfort from the counsellor and making you the 'bad guy'. He could do the same again.

Advantages of attending... none that I can think of? Having an audience for your perspective might sound like a tempting prospect that will help your decision to feel more official to you but I suspect it won't make any difference to how he sees the situation, and he might sabotage the session to such an extent that you don't get to say your piece.

Please don't allow him to think he can book something into your calendar without your agreement. If you let him do this to you, he will i'll continue to do it again and again.

It doesn't matter if you tell him it's over. if you attend, your actions will speak louder than your words and allow him to continue to believe his own narrative.

Oh by the way, booking a Relate session without the consent of your partner is such a wildly disrespectful thing to do that in my opinion it marks a relationship as already doomed. The contempt for you, @Ginge88 !

Oh and yes, call Relate to let them know you won't attend and why (appointment made without your consent). If you think it's safe to do so, you could also reply to his message being clear you won't go and are cancelling the session. I mention this as it's my understanding that paper trails / message histories are generally a good idea if you face the prospect of a divorce where all sorts of shit might be slung at you. But if you think replying to him would be unsafe or make your life worse then of course no need to do so - your judgement is king on this.

@Ginge88 Do not go to that appointment! It will signal to him that he still has relative control over you and that all he has to do is 'take charge' and you'll follow along like a good little wifey. Nothing you say at any counselling session will stick. He will only hear what he wants to hear because he booked it, despite you saying no and you turned up. All he will hear, is that he 'won'

I can understand that it’s a bad idea to go to therapy in an abusive relationship if you are staying in the relationship. I was wondering if it might be worth going to have the counsellor witness you calmly telling him it’s over. Just from the same school of thought of telling the police in advance of leaving. Or maybe you can just tell relate directly that you won’t be attending because the relationship is definitely over. I think seeking advice from a DV support organisation, or maybe your solicitor, would be a good idea. Definitely don’t sit in a counselling session with him, he’ll twist the truth and make it impossible for your view to be heard.

You attending will also signal to him that there's a part of you that does want to save the marriage....

No this won’t work. Relate will immediately cancel the session as soon as they see that he is abusive as counselling with abusers for ANY reason, is dangerous

Thinking about it, relate themselves might be able to advise how best to handle it. Do you cancel or just leave it and let him show up. They must have dealt with this sort of situation before.

Have people realised that the counselling is ONLINE? So talking about 'turning up', is inappropriate, as presumably she'll be in the house anyway. For safety's sake OP, I think it might be wise to tell him you're not going to do it, and then make arrangements to be out that night, unless anyone has any better ideas, as you refusing to do it when he's already paid, might be the straw that breaks the camel's back, so do please be VERY careful when you tell him you're not going to do it.

Could you tell him you have already told him you won't be attending, and that that is still the case. So you have a paper trail to demonstrate his not taking no an an answer.
But for safety could someone be with you when you do so and could they be with you on Thursday evening too?

Oh blimey, I’d completely forgotten the point about being online and in the same house. Definitely tell him you’re not attending in advance.

Hi OP
I have only just read all of your posts.

I want to say that it was like me reading about my own marriage. Even down to being shouted at and called a cunt in front of my child and the part about your body physically rejecting him during sex - the same thing happened to me multiple times.

I am you, only I am nearly fours years on. I moved out 3 and a half years ago.
I am happy. I have my own place. My own space, and reading this is reminding me of what I don’t have to put up with anymore (after having a tumultuous few months in other areas of my life)
We have our child 50/50. It’s been rocky but things have been very calm for about a year. We co-parent very effectively. My child is happy. It absolutely can work out. Once you have physically split, it will be rocky for a good while but just GREY ROCK as much as you can and your narcissistic STBXH will eventually give up and hopefully grow up. Good luck. I have zero regrets.

It also took me years to pluck up the courage to do it so I understand!

I did it. Felt like I was going to be sick. I told him I didn't want to go.

He did a big rant about "get your answer straight. Sort your head out. These are the options - you go to counselling or you throw this marriage away"

I said "the second option"

Long old rant from him..."you're a monster. I dont recognise you.....I've worked out my accommodation options and I have something I've found I can afford. And I'll be out of here in a week if you refuse to attend Thursday. Then we will see how you fucking cope. Looking after the kids all by yourself. You think this miserable, you fuckinh wait till I'm gone and see what real misery looks like when you can't cope. But if that's what you want to do - so fucking be it"

And he's stormed off to bed

Telling that he thinks moving out means he doesn't look after the kids don't you think???

@Ginge88 how old are your dcs?

Thank you so much. God I need some hope right now. I just worry his hatred of me is so deep that he'll use the DC to punish me. Maybe his feelings will dilute one day and he'll be able to put DC first.

I bloody wish my job wasn't so stressful and busy. But then also today I had so many meetings today and then realised I hadn't thought about him for about 4 hours which was such a relief!

I know i keep saying it but the kindness of strangers on MN is keeping me afloat when experiencing such hatred from someone in my own home.

Good for you and yes, he’s weaponising the children. Hopeful he does go. One advantage to his personality is that he will think it’s your loss. He will expect you to beg him to stay or come back. Equally, he will try and hoover you if he does go, at some point. They are twisted a **holes . It’s about control . Don’t react to the child thing. He will do the opposite of what he thinks you want, so just be neutral , say nowt.

Good going! Very good holding your own and choosing option 2!! I am so proud of you!! And it payed off as no amount of arguing or negotiating would have. Don’t worry about how he is going to parent in the future. That is his problem to solve. Right now he sees parenting as a bargaining chip—and the children too. They are just tools to manipulate you. Take away his power by refusing to engage over parenting issues. If he doesn’t want to take time with his children or pay for his children be because he has moved out: let him. Pursue CMS and all your children’s statutory rights for their sakes but otherwise ignore him

Well done. Stay firm. 🤞he means it and moves out. Have you started the ball rolling on the legal side yet?

Brilliant! Well done @Ginge88 !

I bet he’s panicking that his usual bullying tactics aren’t working. Stay strong and hold your ground.

Well done, Ginge, you absolute queen! Superb response. I hope he's serious and moves out within the week.

If he is a true narcissist, one of the ‘masks’ he will wear will be “I am a great Dad”
He will want everyone to feel sorry for him, so he will make a show of how brave he is battling through a separation/divorce and still parenting his kids. The upshot being, he will be acting the part of ‘good dad’ so well that he will actually become it. Does that make sense? He will want people to think he is the reasonable one and will go to great lengths to prove that - so much so that he actually becomes it. There is hope.

You may have a long road ahead, but you will breathe a sigh of relief once he has gone. Then you can get on with the business of putting yourself back together. Your future is bright simply because you will be the one controlling it. Have faith in yourself. You’re giving future you the best present of all by ending this marriage. The peace you will feel by the end of it all will be so worth it, I promise.

Well done on telling him you aren’t doing the counselling!

It doesn't matter where it is! You still have to 'turn up' and OP has the choice to not engage!

Well done, OP! I promise once he's gone, you'll feel like a weight's been lifted