To find this H comment annoying

[Ginge88]

If I forget something or use the wrong plug or something, DH says loudly

"And the 356th way Ginge has fucked up today is...."

Or whatever number is in his head. Frustrating thing is I actually don't mess up things v much and it's him that needs reminders of everything

But yes if he notices says the milk is left out or something il hear him say "and Ginge succeeds in fucking up for the 455th time this week" and chuckling to himself

I've told him to stop. He tells me it's a joke. He does now do it less but he clearly thinks I'm being totally over sensitive

Am I?

He's back already. He said "I have no where to go. I'll sort something out but for now, I'd recommend you stay out of my way" and is now upstairs while im downstairs with DC
I have already been using the spare room so that's all OK. I have a solicitor. I'll call mortgage company on Monday. I'm going to file for divorce next week. Is that better than getting some sort of separation agreement? I want it to be registered that although we are under the same roof still we are not a couple.

Hi OP, sorry I can't answer your question, but I just wanted to say that I am so pleased that you're now ready to take the next step. Your solicitor will tell you the best way to do things, but whatever happens, make sure that you keep yourself and your kids safe. Sending you a big hug, and wishing you courage. It won't be easy, that I do know, but you can't carry on like this, it's not fair to you or the kids.

Yes, divorce is the way to go. I’m in Scotland. Our divorce is different to England…no decree nisi for a start. You go to court, judge says ..I grant the divorce and it’s done. No 6 week wait. If there are no children, don’t even have to go to court and don’t need lawyers, so I’m not up on English procedure

The lawyer will advise. I know that costs but best and quickest to get it right first time.

Are you still cooking for him and doing his laundry? If so, I would stop doing it from now on as you are no longer a couple. It goes without saying that he should not be pestering you for sex like he has previously done. Hopefully this is no longer happening now you are sleeping in separate bedrooms.

Keep yourself and your children safe and never underestimate how difficult he will make this as he is the one who has everything to lose.

I wish you all the luck in the world to get rid of this dreadful, bitter and wholly inadequate man and to create a happy home for you and your boys.

I don't think there is a way through this without a solicitor. He's going to be so awful. Even the petty "I won't look after the kids in may when you've booked a weekend away". He will find every way to make life hard.

My engagement ring has been in my locker at work for months. I know where the receipt is. Do you think I can sell it to boost my £ for the Solicitors? Or am I risking getting in trouble if he asks for it back?

@Ginge88 you are stronger than you think, you have already proven it.

You can file for divorce online right now if you want.

I filed for divorce as a sole applicant, instead of joint, which gave me the power of being in control of some (not all) timings and deadlines. But check with your solicitor whats best for you.

make sure your solicitor understands your H is not reasonable nor amicable. keep reminding them of this when they give advice, it will change what they recommend.

now, for the liberating part. once the divorce is over you will feel a level of calm in your home that you forgot even existed. the space will be yours. you will create harmony and peace for you and your kids. yes, you will co parent, but you'll have much stronger boundaries and those conversations will live in a co parenting app.

if have the energy for it now, read up on overt narcissistic abuse. it will be an eye opener. it was for me.

power to you.

@Ginge88 oh do you mean the engagement ring you sadly lost? how could losing a ring be held against you?

• i obviously meant covert (not overt) narcissistic abuse

Agree with this!

Surely the engagement ring was a gift and therefore your property to do with as you wish?

I remember reading this thread when you first started it. Look at how far you’ve come! You’re all organised and ready to file for divorce. He will go eventually. It’ll be stressful while he’s still there, I’ve supported friends through similar, but he will go. He can’t afford the place on his own. Hang in there.

I think you need to log with your solicitor how deeply unstable he is.

I think you need to verbalise that you feel deeply unsafe around him.

He doesn't care what your children witness.

He's a nasty nothing of a man.
You are going to get to the other side of this.

@Ginge88 You need proper legal advice but it might help you to know that the divorce (ending the marriage) is entirely separate from the financial settlement and arrangements for the children.

You absolutely need advice regarding the finances and children but you can do the divorce yourself online to save some money on solicitors fees. The online divorce fee is £593. Sell the ring if you need to. I agree that you should get the ball rolling next week.

I'm warning you now, he is dangerous. Once he believes you are gone and he cannot manipulate you any longer, he's going to turn incredibly nasty and I do mean violent. You seem so unaware of the danger you are in. I don't just mean you. Your boys are in danger as well.

Please, take me seriously.

Stop feeling pity for his inadequacies. It's clouding your judgement.

You cannot trust him to keep his hands off you or your kids. The devious way his mind works is clear to anyone who has read all of your posts.

There is more danger in him than you can see.

He's eulogising that scumbag Tate FFS. A man who publicly admits women need and want to be strangled while being fucked against their will.

Open your eyes.

The ring is yours. It is a gift. I have both of mine. And #2 did ask for it…but I told him to spin slowly

I looked up the law The general rule relating to ring ownership is outlined in Section 3(3) of the Law Reform (Miscellaneous Provisions) Act 1970, which specifies that an engagement ring should be regarded as an 'absolute gift' and, as such, belongs to the person to whom it was given.4 Feb 2025

That’s why I was trying to see if a police report could get him out of the house, and why a phone call to 999 should be made where he can’t hear it

Im so sorry he won't just fuck off - absolutely sell the ring, use it toward getting rid of this vile, useless excuse of a human.

I don't have anything else to offer, I wish I could wave a magic wand and make him fuck off and then fuck off a bit more. Stay cool, calm, collected, don't get the wine out yet, wait til he's really gone, don't let him rile you.

You are not a 'stupid little girl', you're a fully functioning, strong, clever, rational adult woman. He on the other hand... barely human!

He's v withdrawn this morning. Attached to his phone. I'm taking the kids out for the day. Least it's sunny!

I will sell the engagement ring this week and talk to mortgage advisor tomorrow
I have told a close friend who knows the kids v well. I've told her everything and She is on standby to take the kids any time. She doesn't have enough room for them to stay but I have an affordable Airbnb that is avaliable for the next month.
I will call the police if I feel unsafe at any point.

You're right though. When he realises there is no coming back from this - it could get v difficult and potentially dangerous.

He knows you are not a stupid little girl. His plan was to lower your self esteem so much, you believe you cannot survive without him, so he has you trapped forever.
Show him he failed, but don’t antagonise him more than necessary. Grey rock as much as possible. Don’t rise to bait and keep calm. Keep your phone with you. Tell the solicitor how abusive he is. It’s all very well saying don’t leave but you need a lawyer to understand you are abused by a narcissist..well up the spectrum.

Ringing 101 and telling them that you would like it logged that you are trying to leave a highly abusive man, that you are afraid for your life and that of your children, that he is deeply unstable, abuses you in front of the children and terrorises your children at times.
Mention his rages.
Ask for it to be logged and for a marker on your house.

Get ahead of this by putting his name in the system.
One abusive word out of him, ring the police and hopefully he will be removed.

Play hardball with this prick.
You owe him nothing.

He will say he can't afford to move out and rent. He can but he doesn't like to spend his own money. I need it resolved as quickly as possible as he won't pay the mortgage now or childcare (he was barely contributing before) and also for the emotional wellbeing of me and the kids. I have a rough idea of the equity I could offer him and then remortgage, he can keep the car and his pension. I know better to do through a solicitor but also if I can get make an offer than gets him out quickly and provides a clean break- that is preferable to back and forth over stuff

I would speak to a solicitor before offering him anything. If you know exactly what you would be entitled to, it will make it easier to decide whether to take a financial hit to get rid of him much faster.

He is a parasite who has leeched off you for years. He insults and degrades you safe in the knowledge that he completely relies on you for his current standard of living.

absolutely speak to your solicitor first.

be clever about this.

ask your solicitor to draw up a financial agreement now.

you can have him sign a financial agreement before the divorce is through.

Please don't make the mistake of making him an offer before you see your solicitor OP, it may seem like the easiest way now, but like me, you might live to regret it.

He will never keep a privately agreed upon agreement. People like your dh do not consider themselves honour bound by any agreement with a mere woman. Only a public, legally binding, court approved agreement will hold any weight with him snd even that will not bind him as he will seek to use the judicial system to continue abusing you.

That said I would suggest looking at books on high conflict divorce and divorcing a narcissist. They will have good strategies to suggest.

In my opinion submission and retreat (which is what making a good offer is) are tactics—they are choices. You should not do it because you are afraid of his retaliation. I don’t think you should make concessions at all. The divorce should feel so costly to him that he begs to settle with you rather than the other way around.

Your inner mantra, which will be reflected in your outward demeanor, should be “I don’t need this useless, crap, failed, man for anything.” When he “threatens “ to withdraw money/attention/childcare just say to yourself “oh fuck off you useless twat. No one needs your pathetic offering.”

Work with your solicitor and ask if you can, in a fiscally responsible way, raise the cost to him every time he defaults on a agreement. Its useful to set out three proposals: one thats “good” for him, and two more that are increasingly bad if you do make a “good” first offer them let him know that the more he jerks you around the faster you move into the death spiral of more aggressive asks—such as going after his pension.

Me and boys doing lego in the garden. He comes over and starts saying "answer me now, will you go to counselling. Answer me right now. Right now"

I say "please stop in front of kids. Tonight we will talk again"

He shouts "simple fucking Q that I deserve an answer. Will you go to counselling? Will you try? Talk to me right now"

I repeat "please stop"

We start getting ready to leave house to get away from him. He's keeping going "simple fuckjng question ginge. Give me answer right now"

I say "fine, no. No counselling. Nothing"

He falls to floor in the most dramatic way! I just scoop kids up and leave. We are in park. He's mumbling stuff to himself as I walk out the door.

Why does he insist on making such scenes in front of kids? It's unbelievable. He actually couldn't give a shit about what they witness.

The thing is I can call police but it's not illegal to make a scene in front of DC?? He's not shouting at them. He's just acting like they're not there.