To find this H comment annoying

[Ginge88]

If I forget something or use the wrong plug or something, DH says loudly

"And the 356th way Ginge has fucked up today is...."

Or whatever number is in his head. Frustrating thing is I actually don't mess up things v much and it's him that needs reminders of everything

But yes if he notices says the milk is left out or something il hear him say "and Ginge succeeds in fucking up for the 455th time this week" and chuckling to himself

I've told him to stop. He tells me it's a joke. He does now do it less but he clearly thinks I'm being totally over sensitive

Am I?

These types don’t see themselves being reflected back, unfortunately. It’s not wise to antagonise them when you’re trying to leave or have just left …leaving is antagonising enough. Push the wrong buttons and the results can be devastating

Hey. Just to say I'm still here and I'm trying. He agreed to move out but he is still very much here. As am I. He's been v stressed recently and saying how "fragile" he is and how vulnerable. Has alluded to self harm. Last few days much calmer and kids had a v happy world book day. Solicitor has told me not to move out.

Stressed and fragile? He will say those things as another control tactic. When I left an abusive ex (this was many years ago now) he threw himself onto the front of the taxi I was escaping in as it pulled away, and threatened to drop a large rock on his head, the absolute knob. Needless to say, he was still very much alive and had moved on to his next victim a few weeks later.

Good to hear the kids enjoyed World Book Day. Hang in there, op. More good days are yet to come.

If they allude to self harm, it’s manipulation. Those who really want to end it, don’t talk about it. Unfortunately. It’s always a shock to those left behind.
He is not fragile either. Or vulnerable He is playing on your sympathies. So he doesn’t move out.
The solicitor told you not to move out. What did they say you should do to get separated then? How do you get free of him? If he refuses to leave..which is basically what he is doing in a passive way.

Any good behaviour is temporary till he feels he’s got you where he wants you

He was the 'big I am' when he was enjoying himself insulting you and saying things like "and the 356th way Ginge has fucked up today is...." in front of your kids but now he is fragile and vulnerable?

Bullies are always cowards and he wants you to feel guilty. He has brought everything on himself. He is an inadequate and poor excuse for a man who has an amazing and tolerant wife who he has driven to the point of despair and that he is now going to lose. He deserves everything he gets.

Please don't feel sorry for him.

Classic manipulation tactics. He’s not going to self harm, he just wants you to feel sorry for him so you’ll change your mind.

I too would like to know how you're supposed to actually get rid of him when your solicitor is telling you not to move out? Presumably his solicitor is giving him the same advise, so how does this work?

Please OP, don't be fooled by his threats of self harm, bullies NEVER do it, it's all just a way of manipulating you into doing what they want. Hang tough! You CAN do this!

Some people have said that bullies never actually go through with self-harm, or that people who talk about hurting themselves never do. That's not true. People do sometimes go through with doing these things to themselves.
The key point though is that if he does, it isn't your fault. It is his decision. You haven't caused it or made him do it - he has a choice about how to respond to whatever stress is going on (and he played a key role in causing that stress in the first place, of course).
From experience I'd say it is about remembering that you are not responsible for any self-harm if he chooses to go down that road. You are not responsible for whether he does it or not. If the only way to stop him self-harming is to give up your own happiness and autonomy or to compromise on things you do not want to compromise on, that is not a fair deal. And yes, I'd say the same even if he were threatening to end his own life (some might call me heartless on this but a lot of people are blackmailed every day by partners and relatives making these sorts of threats, and become effectively hostage to others as a result, and the only way to break the cycle is to remember that if they go through with the darkest threats, it still won't be your fault).
I realise it's easy for me to type this and a lot harder to live through it, so I wish you loads of luck @Ginge88. It sounds really difficult. I hope you are able to keep moving forwards with whatever you need to do for yourself and your children.

Hang in there. Just keep making small steps. Eventually you'll look back on this time. The guy is a total loser.

He's so awful. How is this my life??

He defended Tate last night. Or at least said people were OTT about him and that hes not that bad and he should never have been mentioned in relation to that awful court case in the news yesterday.

I really think he could go down quite an Internet route of quite dangerous misogyny. He seems to hate women quite a bit already.

He's said before he thinks I hate men and he doesn't want that to impact "his sons". I don't hate men but I think Tate and men who follow him are disgusting. And apparently that makes me extreme!

I'm speaking to mortgage advisor on Monday to see what I could offer him to buy him out.

Ooh! Great that you're seeing a mortgage adviser OP. I do hope they give you good news.

As for him being a 'Tate' follower, it's hardly surprising, bearing in mind the way he treats you, and if hating men like that makes you 'extreme', then I vote for extremism!

We're here for you OP.

He said you hate men? That’s him projecting his hate of the opposite sex onto you. We already know he only feels contempt because he has demonstrated it so many times with his put downs.
I would keep any conversation with him to an absolute minimum. Only practical life stuff re dinner, dishes, laundry, kids. No general discussion.
Any other statements re women, Tate, the weather, the word is ‘whatever’ ;)
Good luck with the mortgage advisor. Can you start separation agreement? People do share a house while waiting to qualify for divorce. Best not to share a bed though. You have to be separate.

I just reread your posts. He sounds desperately insecure and he's just been poisoned by it.

Why on earth did he cry throughout your counselling session?

Not that any of it matters... id just like you to escape from him.

Your husband is just projecting when he calls you a man hater and says that he doesn't want this to affect your sons. Your opinion of the Tate brothers is one that anyone with a normal moral compass would have. They are rapists and child sex traffickers and he is defending them. He sounds like a danger to women and not fit to be any sort of role model for his sons.

The sooner you all get away from him the better.

He's such a sexist arsehole. An insecure horrible bully who is nasty to me to feel better about himself.

So I don't know why I still feel sorry for him?? I know with 100% that he's awful, and yet I feel guilt and pity.

You feel guilt and pity because you are a decent person, but he isn't. Can you imagine if the situation were reversed, would he feel guilt and pity over leaving you?

He is counting on you feeling guilt and pity.
Don’t

You have nothing to feel guilty about and he does not deserve your pity.
You are a decent person..and that’s why he chose you. You are everything he isn’t but aspires to be perceived as. Guys like him want superior women..to show off what they can pull, but also to knock down, humiliate, belittle and demean to make themselves feel superior to you.

Get angry. Lose the guilt and pity. He deserves neither. He is a cold manipulator and life is too short to waste any more time on him. You are young , but believe me..your life will go by in a flash and you will look back and regret every minute you wasted on him, after you realised his true self. We only get one chance at this life. Don’t give him a minute more. You deserve better and you really should be fighting to get free.

Most of my life went on the 2 monsters who had me in emotional jail..I pitied and tried to excuse their cruelty. Thought I could make it work. It’s wrong to just quit..but it isn’t. Not with these types. I wish I hadn't tried to hold on to the dream. . Now I’m old, because I had a stroke, got heart issues, and infirmity is looming. Wasted my life. Please don’t do the same.

Oh, btw, it’s called trauma bond. You are so used to him, it’s almost normalised and think of it as Stockholm syndrome.

You do need to be cured of it. He is unworthy

and at the end of the day, your children should not see these interactions between adults as it will firm their ideas of what is normal and right. Do you want them to have similar relationships when they get older, because that is what happens ..they find what they know

Hang in there, Ginge. I'm hoping your mum is stepping up a bit and supporting you. It's hard to withstand a mega guilt trip if your family aren't furious in your behalf and backing you 100%. But either way, you've got this.

You are feeling guilty because you were brought up to put a man's needs first. And he's manipulating that sense of responsibility by playing the poor upset man who NEEDS you. Except he's not, he's a monster playing the part of a poor upset man. Remember, your mum, your friend, haven't seen the other side of him. They have seen Mr Jekyll. You are living with Mr Hyde.

He's turned again. Just started saying "who do you think you are? Silly little girl" etc. He stopped the car and started shouting. I tried to make him stop. But then I felt anger...I went quiet and ignored him in the car and put the kids in front of the TV. I then went upstairs and said I meant what I said before - it's over and I want him to leave. Immediately he said "sure I'll leave you. I'd be delighted to be rid of you. But that silly girly weekend you're going to in May - that's not happening now as I won't be looking after the DC for you" he then started shouting "look what you've become" and then he's left the house again. Driven away.

How do I break this cycle. Let's be honest he's coming back. He always does.

I think I have to actually file for divorce. I don't think anything else else will break this awful cycle.

@DearDenimEagle I will never meet you but I cannot tell you how much each and every message you post makes me feel so strong and determined. Im so sorry for what youve been through. I wish i had done left by now or made more progress. The shame i feel that im still here. That my kids saw him call me a "stupid little girl". Thank you to you and all the women on this thread that are being so patient and supportive

There is a bottle of wine in the fridge. I want to drink it. He's so cruel. My stomach is a knot. But maybe just tea and dinner and bed.

How old are your kids OP?
You all deserve so much better
Have the wine when the kids get to bed xxx

He's too lazy to actually leave, so you are going to have to do the heavy lifting. Call women's aid, get some solid practical advice.

@Ginge88 Do not feel shame , either. Leaving is not easy, especially with children and especially when you’re with that type of personality that will not cooperate at all. He plays games, to feel power. We knew he would revert to type. The mask never stays on for long once he has let it slip and he did that when he started demeaning you. Anything else is breadcrumbs of nice so you stay for more abuse later in hope it’s just a marital blip.

If you can start divorce proceedings , do. Ask the lawyer to start. There are children so it’s no quickie divorce. You can read up on it on gov.uk website

Ask the lawyer about >If he threatens or shouts, should you call the police..not in front of him but from the bathroom or somewhere out of earshot. If you can get him on record as verbally abusive and threatening and tell the police you are afraid. There are children in the house seeing him abuse you. Can they remove him? A genuine shouting episode that the children witness . Authorities are getting wiser to these personalities.