To find this H comment annoying

[Ginge88]

If I forget something or use the wrong plug or something, DH says loudly

"And the 356th way Ginge has fucked up today is...."

Or whatever number is in his head. Frustrating thing is I actually don't mess up things v much and it's him that needs reminders of everything

But yes if he notices says the milk is left out or something il hear him say "and Ginge succeeds in fucking up for the 455th time this week" and chuckling to himself

I've told him to stop. He tells me it's a joke. He does now do it less but he clearly thinks I'm being totally over sensitive

Am I?

@Ginge88 - you wrote "I think the reason i tolerate the 'jokes' and also try to keep everything 'light' around the house - and not getting angry - is because of the boys. i don't want them to grow up in a house of conflict."

So instead of conflict, these impressionable young boys are growing up in a house where they see their father belittle their mother and have no respect for her and they'll repeat the cycle with any partner they may end up with.

I know the above comment from @Ginge88 was written back in August '24 but I think it's worth highlighting in case it helps another woman see what is and what is most definitely not acceptable to have kids growing up around.

I'll go back and read more of the thread from that point but I seriously hope there is good news and that you've left him @Ginge88 and that a weight has lifted from your shoulders. If not, you really do have to leave him and the sooner the better for you and for your impressionable young boys.

Good luck Op!

Why not just tell him over the phone from your parents' house? Much safer. Think of your own safety first. The children can live with literally any consequence of you leaving him long and short term except the loss of their mum.

I don't think you owe him a face to face.
It's not in your best interests.
Stop trying to be decent.

He's a rapist.
For your own safety I think calling him from your parents and telling him that its over.
That he raped you last weekend and that you are prepared to go to the police and report him for Coercive rape.

I can tell you that a bullying little piece of scum like him will wet himself at the thought of the police.

Get ANYTHING sentimental connected with the children out of the house.

Men like him will burn pictures or anything sentimental to hurt you.
Take anything that is irreplaceable.

Bring extra clothes too for you and the children.
Extra shoes, spare coat, favourite teddies etc.
Favourite toys.

The most powerful thing you have is the truth.
Scum like him hate the truth being known.

Keep mentioning the rape and the police.
I promise you that will terrify him.

You have truth on your side.
Please call Rape Crisis services for advice on how to handle this.

He's a very bad man.
Keep reminding yourself of that.

It has been his rape of you that ended this finally for you.

You can do this.

Please don’t post on the thread of a woman suffering abuse if you have no understanding of or empathy for abuse.

@Ginge88 I agree that you should ring him to tell him it’s over. At the very least, have your local friend right outside in the car and make sure he knows she is right outside waiting for you and listening out.

Agree!

Don’t drive back to tell him on your own. People are right. I’d text him rather than even talk over the phone but don’t go to the house on your own.
Leaving is the most dangerous part of any relationship with an abuser. He might physically react, or try to stop you leaving again.

Please please don’t do this. If he isn’t nasty, he will pretend to cry and beg you to stay and talk it out…he might do both in turn, but he is not likely to be calm and accepting.
At least you can hang up the phone..and do rather than get into a drawn out conversation or explanation. He already knows the why. You just need to text or say.’ I’m not coming back . My lawyer will be in touch and we will sort out the details in court. ‘

He is a petty and vindictive man so she is scared of his reaction and what he might do, particularly where the children are concerned.

Why on earth would you think that this is a massive wind up? Posters who have been through similar situations with their ex-partners have been giving OP advice and support which OP has taken on board.

Good luck Ginge. I'm sure he's going to throw every guilt trip in the book at you. There will be tough moments, but at least every one of them will be getting you a step closer to the life you deserve. You're going to live with self respect and dignity.

I’m still thinking about this. I’m so glad you have got an escape plan btw and that your children won’t see you being abused any more
but
don't think of him as a man . Honestly. He is a monster.
He was a monster in disguise when you married him.

He will practice his coercive control to make you make promises if you engage in face to face or even telephone conversation. He has a lot of tricks to play because you are a kind , good human being and you will want to believe at least some of what he says, emotes. It’s going to be an act. He will say and promise anything he can think of to keep you in his control . Give an inch, he will take a mile and be worse than ever, because you need to be punished for leaving.

Please don’t face him alone. These guys do not do reasonable

I've gone back and read the whole thread and caught up.

When you had sex with him, I'd put that down to him trying to use whatever tools he may have left in his arsenal - so badgering, coercion and nagging are what he's found that works.

You haven't done anything wrong but it wasn't consensual because he had to nag you until you said yes.

In the meantime, what I would do is gather up a few toys/blankets/duvet covers/pillow cases that your kids like and put them in a bag and leave them with your mother.
I do not think that your mother should speak to your husband, under any circumstances. While she might be feeling bad for you, she stayed with her husband and you're planning on getting your freedom from yours. I don't think she is 100% behind you because she is already comparing your marriage to the one your sister has and yet you and your sister and her husband and your husband are all completely separate people and have very different experiences.

I would go for a walk if you can at lunchtime one day soon and make sure that the walk goes past your local police station. Nip in for a quick chat and when you get home if he asks where you were, just say you bumped into an old school friend and you lost track of time. He no longer gets to know where you are and what you are doing.

Take things that you want to have around you (but not him)!

You can do this and I don't think you have to keep telling him you're gone. You can tell his relatives if you want (once you've left and why you've left) and you can tell your friends that you're no longer together and I'd leave him a note to say that you've gone but stop with having conversations about planning to leave.

Just leave or find a way to get him to leave so that you don't have to.

I didn’t tell mine I was going or that I wasn’t coming back. I just left. My clothes and furniture being gone was enough of a clue and I heard about his demented rage from our tenant in the annexe.

Just found your thread today and read all your updates. I want to send you lots of strength for this weekend. I wish you all the best xx

This would make me murderous with annoyance.

Your husband may ring the police claiming that you have kidnapped the kids. Phone your local station and give them a heads up as to what’s been going on and just let them know that you and the children are safe. It would be an idea to get in contact with a domestic violence support service to get some support and advice if you want to look for a protection or safety order.

Yes definitely let the local police know you have had to flee domestic abuse.

He may threaten to self harm.
Call the police and report him.

You can do this.

Yes definitely do this...

Women are always more at risk when they are changing the status quo.

The man then knows they are 'losing' and up the ante.

It's a well known factor in DV.

Please be safe and leave him!

Warm wishes to you from storm lashed Cornwall!

PS what I meant to say... He may well turn to physical violence to stop you...

Or a last chance... I've nothing to lose so therefore I'll do x... (inserr dangerous act here...)

I worked in DV for a good while.

Hard agree with everyone saying don't go back for a face to face. He doesn't deserve it and you don't owe him anything at all. I also wouldn't say anything to him about reporting his coercive r*pe to the police. If you did decide you wanted to report him for this, he doesn't need forewarning. If you don't want to report him, then you don't have to. Hold on to the fact that your choices will be your own from here on out.

You have your plan in place. Have you added informing the police that you're leaving a DV situation? Your safety is paramount. I will be thinking of you this weekend, Ginge, and I know I'm not the only one. You can do this.

Bears repeating. I strongly suggest NO FACE TO FACE interactions at this point. Just be like the dolphins fleeing earth before the big destruction in Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy.

So long and thanks for all the fish!

If you tell him face to face will you get drawn into a conversation or negotiation and have to start justifying yourself? Will he wear you down, insult or ridicule you some more? Or turn it into a massive drama?
Also something else I’ve wondered is if your ideal outcome is that you keep the house eventually are you worried about how to get him out and how that would be impacted by you essentially leaving? I don’t know how to deal with this but I’m betting other posters on the thread will do.
Also Ginge please come back and talk even if you have a wobble/can’t go through with it or something throws things off course. It may take more than one try and that’s ok.

UPDATE.

Last night I came home from work and he was being off with me. I just watched the traitors and went to bed. He came to bed at 3am after gaming all night.

I intended on taking the DC to my mums tonight to see her and then would call him from there as you guys all advised. Slightly complicated by my youngest being really unwell (flu/temp) and my mum being pretty old and unwell herself.

He woke up at 11.30am, came downstairs to me and the kids (I had been up all night with the youngest and then up at 6.30am) and startted telling me about something on the news & how tired he was! DC started talking over him & saying "mum mum"

He says "I don't know why I bother" and leaves the room

Comes down 10 mins later and put on the most wild display. Crying, screaming "you are so cruel Ginge. You think you're strong but you're cold and cruel. I'm telling you i feel igored, unloved". I just keep saying "please stop the kids are right here" and walking to other rooms and he just keeps going with this shouty crying display "i'm not arguing, i'm not fighting, i'm desparate, why don't you love me, you're the cruelest woman i've ever know. look at your sitting all sterm and unfeeling" (I was just trying to be calm and manage him). he was doing some crazy breathing thing. it felt like such a show to me.

I didnt' really say anything other than keep asking him to stop in front of kids and him saying "all you care about is how DC feel about things, but i'm your husband and you don't care. you're so cruel"

This wentt on for about 25 mins. He then gave up and packed a small bag and had left.

I really really don't want to go to my mums. not least because she is unsupportive and my kids don't want to go either and we are now home wiout him. i feel a bit shell shocked. pleased he's out the house for now.

i don't understand how he doesn't see how bad that is for the DC? he kept saying "it's not me that is causing this - it's you" as i'm just sat there. he thinks i'm cold and cruel but i'm staying calm for kids.

god. that was awful. playing with DC now and then just said "daddy seemed sad" but now we are playing and wtaching cartoons.

I can’t help feeling This is Your Chance… right now! Text him now while he’s “left” - not to come back, it’s over etc. You won’t tolerate any more drama in front of the children, tell him he’actually right, he is unloved, you’re checked out and won’t be changing your mind. Then grey rock. Did he say where he was going? Disclaimer: I’ve no idea if this is good advice just gut reaction and willing you on.

I agree with this!