To find this H comment annoying

[Ginge88]

If I forget something or use the wrong plug or something, DH says loudly

"And the 356th way Ginge has fucked up today is...."

Or whatever number is in his head. Frustrating thing is I actually don't mess up things v much and it's him that needs reminders of everything

But yes if he notices says the milk is left out or something il hear him say "and Ginge succeeds in fucking up for the 455th time this week" and chuckling to himself

I've told him to stop. He tells me it's a joke. He does now do it less but he clearly thinks I'm being totally over sensitive

Am I?

I really hope you see your way to freedom. Providing a safe home for your dc free of this man, that can be an anchor for their childhood is so important.

Sorry to be back again!

I tried to talk to him to tell him I think we need to split and that he talks to me with no love or respect. I told him I feel his contempt every day and it's no way to live. But somehow I got nowhere. He just kept telling me I was talking rubbish and I was clearly not coping working full time woth the kids and he understands I'm tired but I've got to stop taking it out on him. And I just didn't seem to get anywhere.

Funny he tells the kids "your mother is a weak woman" when I give them a biscuit or whatever and he's bloody right. Why can't I find my resolve to sort this? He didn't talk me round but he was so certain in his lack of blame that it felt impossible ti argue against and the conversation just fizzled out. I'm sure he just thinks I'm premenstrual knackered mad woman....and poor him having to put with me!

The thing is is our every day lives I'm the one with the pressured job where I have to negotiate and yet at home - I just fold.

I don't know why I'm posting. You've all given me more than enough words. I'll try again at the weekend.

You don’t have to apologise for posting. People are on your thread because they want to support you.

He doesn’t think you are premenstrual, knackered, and mad. He knows full well that the minute you realise how capable you are, and how you deserve better than the misery he makes your life, you will go. So he keeps belittling you, gaslighting you, so that you never reach the point where you are confident enough to leave.

The good thing is, you have all these women on this thread who can see how capable you are and we will counter all the abusive crap he spouts.

[I'm sure he just thinks I'm premenstrual knackered mad woman....and poor him having to put with me!]

@Ginge88 No, he doesn't think this. He's gaslighting you by saying everything is your fault and making you doubt yourself, telling you you're "not coping". It's classic emotional abuse and he's done it because you're talking about splitting. He thinks he will keep control of you if he shakes your foundations. You can find the resolve to show him he's wrong. We are all here with you - please don't apologise. Keep posting, re-read your posts, harden that resolve.

Yeah... he's just wobbling you so you fold and give in and doubt yourself.

He doesn't want you to leave, it will make his life significantly harder in every way.

Stop talking to him about it. Just put whatever it is you need into action to get rid of him. You've made it clear you're not happy with how he behaves or the relationship as it stands.

Don't ask him anything else. Simply tell him what is happening as and when it becomes necessary/relevant.

His response is to belittle and gaslight, and continue exactly as he was. He has no interest in altering his behaviour, he doesn't love you, he simply depends upon you which probably really triggers his insecure little mind so he is vile to you as well, that makes him feel better.

It sounds like you’re trying to negotiate with him, and that you’re expecting to be able to have an adult conversation with him, where he sees that you’re right and agrees to separate.

From the descriptions of him on thread so far, I don’t think this is realistic. He sounds totally self serving and your opinion doesn’t really matter to him. Just progress your divorce through legal avenues and keep planning your escape xx

He sounds totally self serving and your opinion doesn’t really matter to him.

Key appraisal of him, right there.

Narcissistic defenses. He denies your view of him has any validity, gaslights you in order to make you question yourself and back away, and projects his own feelings of inadequacy onto you.

It's not up to him whether you split up and you won't be able to convince him of anything by talking because that would involve him admitting some fault. I would quietly get the ducks in a row, get legal advice and so on, but importantly get some support for yourself whether it's family/friends or therapy. Don't keep his behaviour secret, narcissists thrive on keeping you isolated.

Why do you feel he needs to know what's going on in your head OP? Once you've decided what's going to happen, ie, if you're planning on leaving, just get yourself organised and a place to move to, pack yours and the kids things, and leave, preferably when he's not there, if at all possible. You don't even have to leave him a note if you don't want to. Let him suffer and squirm until eventually he has to admit to people that he doesn't know where you are, and that you seem to have left him and taken the children with you.

You seem to be all over the place with your thoughts, so can I suggest that you just focus on getting out of there OP? Don't worry about what will, or won't happen with your boys once you've left. What will be, will be, and you WILL deal with it, but it simply has to be better than what's happening to you, and in front of them right now. Kids really DO take on board the things happening around them you know. I can see that your youngest is 3, but can't seem to find the age of the other one. However, I CAN tell you, that I was brought up in a very similar home to the one that you describe growing up in, ie walking on eggshells, so as not to upset my Father, and from the age of 4 years old, I remember VERY clearly what was going on in the marital home, and the way my Father was treating my wonderful Mum! I remember the nightmares I had to this day, of my Father swinging my Mum against the cabinet in our dining room, and her head flying off!! This was on repeat for years, and I was obviously terrified that at some point he would break, and kill her!! Times she tried to leave him, but got talked into going back, as I've told you previously, but the fact is, we were ALL miserable, including my Father!

Do you really see Christmas Day being special, while you're still with this man? If so, I think you're kidding yourself, and the likelihood is, that it will be the straw that breaks the camel's back, and you will end up having to leave, possibly there and then. So, do yourself and your kids a favour, and stop messing around, just get out of there, NOW!!

Your actions will speak louder than your words OP. You won't get him to admit he's wrong. If you are serious about splitting up, make a plan and take action.

You've given him a heads up.

You're next step is to just leave. You don't need to explain to him or get him to accept your decision. You can end a relationship unilaterally for any reason.

All the things you are fretting about will get resolved in time and you will find it easier to sort things once you are free of him constantly abusing you.

Go the second you have the strength to do so. You won't regret it OP. You deserve to breathe.

And when you do leave he’ll say there was no warning, she just suddenly left. Doesn’t mean it’s true.

If you’re looking for his permission to leave, you’re not going to get it. I’m sorry. It feels awful because you’ve spent such a long time first believing it’s morally right to continue the relationship and morally wrong to give up, and second having to filter everything you do through the lens of how it will affect him and how you can avoid him getting nasty.

He is not interested in changing for you. I’m so sorry, you do deserve him to make an effort, you deserve for him to show concern for how you feel and sadness at the possibility of losing you but he won’t do that. He has not given you what you need in the relationship and he won’t give you what you need in the breakup. It’s brutal.

You can’t talk to him. Just pack and go when you can. Preferably when he isn’t there to bar your way and talk you out of it. Don’t believe him if he says he’ll change, either. Crocodile tears. Manipulation. Will ensue

Hi OP. I posted back in August.

I thought you'd spoken to Women's Aid and had been told not to try to discuss leaving with him? He doesn't need to understand. Your conversations won't go anywhere because he will always need to believe the split was your fault. This isn't going to be a mutually agreed split. You just pick a date and off you go. Write a letter for him to read when he comes home with the name of the parenting app you've downloaded then block him.

You can stop 50/50 with evidence of abuse. Your solicitor should have told you what counts as evidence, such as a diary with dates and times of his words, actions and the children's response. This is especially important if the children are distressed but also if he's screaming and swearing and they don't bat an eyelid because your solicitor can argue they're so scared of him (when in those moods) they freeze or try to placate him etc. Your solicitor can also get an expert in child psychology to comment on the impact of being around someone so mentally unstable unsupervised.

Lastly, just a reminder. No one, in the history of time, is ever abusive 100% of the time. I've read about 10% is common ... meaning many people put up with the horror as it's not daily or even every week. But the result is the same on those on the receiving end.

Stop trying to change him.
Talk to Women's aid.
You need advice on how to get away.
Help with renting elsewhere.
He abuses you and the children.
He needs reporting.
You cannot talk him around.
Get advice from those that can help.
Family, friends, Women's aid, work.

You can get away from him.
You can't change him.

I tried to talk to him to tell him I think we need to split and that he talks to me with no love or respect. I told him I feel his contempt every day and it's no way to live. But somehow I got nowhere. He just kept telling me I was talking rubbish

@Ginge88 OK, but ... so what? You don't need his agreement to leave him. A separation doesn't have to a mutual decision. It's perfectly OK for you simply to leave him whether he likes it or not.

I realise you'd like things to be amicable but realistically, your husband is abusive and controlling.

It’s important NOT to try to discuss with him. She should be grey rock now until she packs and goes.

These guys can turn nasty if they think they are losing control. Moreover, he will try to stop her, one way or another.

Women’s Aid must have told her this.

she needs to focus on packing and leaving. Not on what to say to him.
Focus on getting out. Before he knows she’s gone.
Focus on staying out.

You are not a weak woman, but he has trained you to react in a certain way at home by his constant belittling.

Remember, because he won't want you to remember, you have your own voice and you can leave for whatever reason you want to, you don't even have to have a reason, he doesn't have to agree with it either.

Its not a negotiation and you don’t eed his consent or understanding. Its not s court of law and he is not the judge you need to convince.

Think of your marriage as a body that is very, very sick. You and the dc are the head, hans, heart, lungs and everything else. He is a cancerous spot that will swallow you whole snd destroy you if you can’t find the right medicine. Everything uou have done:talking to him, placating him, flattering him, reasoning with him were all attempts to cure this cancer. But they havd failed—they were not the right medicine for it. Or it was too far advanced. Now you and your doctors realize that you need excision—the dangerous spot needs to be removed. You don’t talk to it or gain its consent. It just needs to be cut out so you can survive.

After telling I want to split mid week, he came home last night all normal. Then after I'd put the kids to bed he lay on the sofa and said "time for make up sex".

So gross. I said no.

My solicitor told me I should try to stay in the house unless physical risk in terms of negotiating. But I've found a little airbnb that is hard to find but still driveable to school and I'm going to go there with the kids. I want to buy him out. Or sell. I don't care really. There are advantages to both. I just can't get caught in a situation where I'm paying rent on a place and paying the mortgage long term while he lives in the family home alone. He doesmt pay his way so he won't once I leave. I will be solely responsible for our mortgage until we have got this sorted.

I'm not wobbling. I'm just trying to make sure I don't bankrupt myself while he lives in our home with everything paid for months and months. I've heard of women trapped in mortgage traps.

What does your solicitor say about going to court to get him out and force the sale?

Have you contacted the morgage company and ask for advice re the mortgage as you are trying to flee an abusive coercive relationship?

He is financially abusing you?
Email the morgage company and ask Women's aid for advice.

Request a morgage holiday until the house is sold as you are fleeing abuse.

You have to ask the right questions.

They should have a protocol for such situations.

Op _ what an absolutely horrible man. Flowers 💐 🌹 🌸 for you. Keep your head clear - he's addling your brain - xxx

Thinking of you!

How are things OP?