To find this H comment annoying

[Ginge88]

If I forget something or use the wrong plug or something, DH says loudly

"And the 356th way Ginge has fucked up today is...."

Or whatever number is in his head. Frustrating thing is I actually don't mess up things v much and it's him that needs reminders of everything

But yes if he notices says the milk is left out or something il hear him say "and Ginge succeeds in fucking up for the 455th time this week" and chuckling to himself

I've told him to stop. He tells me it's a joke. He does now do it less but he clearly thinks I'm being totally over sensitive

Am I?

Thinking about you, OP.

Thank you!! I'm ok. Still here. In manic christmas bit of nativities, dance shows, christmas discos at school - all that stuff. Spoken to my mum and told her i'm leaving in January - she keeps messaging about how sad she is and how awful it is making her feel, and then last night messaged about how great my sister's marriage is and how sad she is about me - and then suggesting she talks to H on my behalf to get him to be "less grumpy". I haven't replied but i definitely won't be letting her do that. We will be with family over chritmas and then I'll leave in Jan.

Is there a chance your mother would 'have a word' with your H behind your back and tip him off about you leaving?

No, I don't think so @Fannyfiggs . She is loyal to me and i know she loves me really. But she really doesn't think single mums could ever be happy & that "men are men" - he works full time, he doesn't drink or cheat, and she thinks i'm being rather emotional/OTT in deciding i need to leave.

@Ginge88 when I was leaving dh1 my mum wasn't very supportive. She stayed with my violent dad. I remember screaming at her I was so frustrated.

I get on well with exdh. Our problems were different. We'll always be close like siblings. Even present dh gets on well with him.

I'm glad you're doing ok. It was this time of year when I told dh. December 29th. It's not easy.

Does she actually like him or does she just not understand how desperately unhappy he makes you?

Previous generations often thought that the only reasons for leaving a marriage were infidelity or domestic violence, and sometimes not even then.

Hopefully she will still support you, even though she disagrees with your decision.

she likes him because i've been with some really dodgy men in the past & he compares favourably on paper to past boyfriends.

i realised H says the exact same phrase my dad used to say when i was a kid - "am i not allowed to be angry?" - always said in response to my mum asking my dad to stop sulking/shouting. and now my husband says exactly the same "I am allowed to be angry, I'm allowed to upset" etc.

she will support me @thepariscrimefiles but i don't think she will agree. she will always be v sad about it and i find that difficult.

I hate that passive aggressive whine from men. Men are always allowed to be angry! All of society, family, and the world cater to their big baby feelings. Its women who have to watch what they say and do for fear of a beating or worse.

100% @pikkumyy77

my dad's anger was the most important thing in the house when i grew up. and now the same goes for my husband. i said this to my mum only last week and she agreed. but then she talked about fear and loneliness. she said 'if you do leave H, you may regret it, but - I hope to god you meet someone else'.

Being single in your 40s is a failure, a shame in her view. And she isn't totally stuck on H, but she will be miserable to see me alone, whereas I feel a sense of real freedom and excitement at the thought.

Our mothers project a lot onto us. Just shake it off—I mean I had to shake it off—and remember her choices were constrained in a way mine aren’t.

Once you have split up from your DH, in spite of any practical/financial difficulties you may face, you will feel lighter and unburdened and the horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach will disappear. You will stop second guessing things that you do or say for fear of his reaction.

You sound very strong and capable and I wish you all the luck in the world with your new life without him.

Tell your mother you ended up with a nasty abusive prick like your father because she stayed.

YOU want a different future for your children so you are leaving.

The greatest gift you can give a child is a clam, peaceful, loving home.
It really doesn't require two parents to provide this.

There are worse things than being alone and being with an abusive , cruel H is one of them. Walking on eggshells all the time is painful.
I , too, waited till Christmas was past for the children. I organised a flat in November but told landlord I would be moving in in January. We always went to friends for the New Year and stayed a few days. We got home on 3rd Jan and I left on 4th.

The relief was phenomenal.

Your parents relationship normalised a lot of wrong situations, as did mine. I’m surprised she doesn’t see that now. But perhaps her view of needing a man around, even a bad one, was created by her own upbringing in some way.

Happy new year Ginge88, I have been thinking of you and wish you strength and luck over the next few weeks and love and happiness forever. It may be scary but small steps can keep you moving forward towards a peaceful life for you and your children.

Thank you @mateusrose678 that's kind.

Christmas was fine. H was on best behaviour mostly. DC have loved me being at home. I've been off work for nearly 3 weeks and it struck me that DH is nice to me when I'm at home all day every day. I think a lot of his anger comes when I'm at work/seeing friends.

Anyway who gives a shit about why his anger is there. I'm done trying to work him out. And the plan is still on.

I look forward to posting when it's done.

Fab @Ginge88 - well done & good luck for the future!

Glad you had a good Christmas and even better your plan is still on.

Remember we're here if you're having a wobble or just need a wee bit of extra support ❤️

So looking forward to reading that you are out. Stay safe.

Perceived Control v lack of control

Anyway, all the best for 2025. Onwards and upwards. Be ready for the wailing and gnashing of teeth. Begging. Future faking.

A better future awaits. 🩷

I’ve read all your posts, OP, but admit I haven’t read many of the others as it’s late - but I just wanted to say, even if someone else has already mentioned it, that it seems pretty obvious to me that your husband feels emasculated by you and your higher earning job, hence the reason he tries to belittle you and knock your confidence down, and why you say he treats you better when you’re at home and haven’t been at work for a while. The fact he’s dismissing your ‘feminist’ views leads me to think that he’s not just reading up on but is likely in contact with and discussing a lot of misogynistic views with other weak and women-hating men online, perhaps while playing his hours of video games etc. How do you know he isn’t watching Andrew Tate or someone similar - he seems a prime candidate to be an incel if he was single.

He’s a weak man who you say is easily intimidated - and he is with a strong and independent woman - he needs you but he knows you don’t need him - which kills him and makes him hate you and try his hardest to make you doubt yourself as he is projecting his own feelings of inadequacy onto you.

Also the fact your young son said something like daddy get a little bit angry bc he’s the boss at home - came straight out of his fathers mouth. It’s obvious he has said this to your sons to explain and justify his actions - minimising his awful behaviour while asserting his dominance in the household. He’s effectively brainwashing them and teaching them to view you as just a silly woman who gets things wrong and to whom they should have no respect. He’s probably terrified of the day they realise who is actually running the show - and it ain’t him.

When I read your OP I originally thought this is a highly insecure man who is saying this shit out loud to try to make himself (and you!) believe it. You out earn him and seem To cope better than him at family life and perhaps life in general. He knows this but is trying to convince himself that you need him and are useless - this is why YOU NEED/ SHOULD ASK HUSBAND FIRST - or whatever guff he came out with. He’s pathetic, he doesn’t deserve any of your empathy at this stage and reading your whole thread it seems he’s backed himself into a corner as it seems he wants you and probably feels that he loves you but feels overwhelmingly inadequate which makes him angry and he is terrified that this is how you see him and will realise you can do better and go. So like you said earlier regarding your youngest - his misguided strategy of trying to assert himself and diminish you so you stay with him is pushing you further and further out the door! It’s sad but he needs to do some drastic work on himself.

I really hope
you can resolve this in the best way for you and your boys 💐

Thank you for everyone taking the time to continue to be supportive and so insightful! This is my only outlet.

Now christmas is done, kids are back to school today, there really is no need to wait any longer. The thought of him as an ex that I have to see all the time is so bloody awful, but I keep thinking about me and the kids in 5 years and I know will absolute certainty I will be livid with myself if I don't do it now.

You're right OP, you WILL regret it if you don't do it now. Many of us know how hard it is to break up a family, BUT many of us have also found relief, and a MUCH happier life, once we've overcome the initial fears and made the break. You can do this, and we're all here to support you, so go for it, you WON'T regret it!

Don't focus on the thought of him as an ex you have to see all the time!

Focus on the thought of being able to shut the door, turn off your phone, ignore emails and only speak to him when it is absolutely necessary regarding the kids, and the rest of the time you get to do your thing without him undermining, belittling and being vile to you!

This.
And your children see you don’t stay to be abused and demeaned. If he starts , once you’ve left, you just cut him off and walk away. My guess is he will try to be the guy you thought he was when you dated him. Begging forgiveness. He didn’t mean it. He will change, if you only come back. He can’t live without you. It was only because he loves you and blah blah blah. Then there’ll be digs and some anger if you don’t fall at his feet when he sends flowers, wants to meet for coffee to talk, or some such.

There will be more to enjoy about being out. The ‘dealing with’ should be reduced considerably with time and don’t engage more than you have to.
You can get a co parenting app for communications re children I understand. Then you can block him everywhere else. Don’t open the door if he drops by unannounced. Do the children pick ups and drop offs in a public place. So he can’t start attacking you with words. The public persona is important to men like him.

Your mother should come round if she sees you lighter in mood and smiling more. Tell her, times have changed. There’s more wrong with staying miserable with an abuser than being happy without him.