To find this H comment annoying

[Ginge88]

If I forget something or use the wrong plug or something, DH says loudly

"And the 356th way Ginge has fucked up today is...."

Or whatever number is in his head. Frustrating thing is I actually don't mess up things v much and it's him that needs reminders of everything

But yes if he notices says the milk is left out or something il hear him say "and Ginge succeeds in fucking up for the 455th time this week" and chuckling to himself

I've told him to stop. He tells me it's a joke. He does now do it less but he clearly thinks I'm being totally over sensitive

Am I?

I did move out with the youngest who was 4, but the other two were teens. One was working away, and the other wanted to share time with both, but his grandparents were in the house with his father, too. It was a farm. He had his dogs and rabbits and ferrets so he stayed on there, but was only 2 years from leaving them.
Ex did not see it coming ..I had told him a year before that I would leave if I could. He never thought it would happen till the day I actually left.

I did it again. 13 years on my own. Married a guy I thought was a good one. Not handsome etc but seemed kind. He was even worse x100 than my first . Narcissistic bully. Cheat, monster.
He didn’t see it coming either. No warnings. Left when he was at a meeting. Cleared the house of all my stuff , furniture etc…house was his, most contents were mine…so he came back to an almost empty, literally, house. Took an hour and a half and I went to the house I’d bought the week before. Luckily no kids. My sons from mistake #1 helped me move.

He’s abusive and he’s nowhere near pulling his financial and practical weight, so you don’t owe him a moment’s consideration about where he will live and how he’ll afford it. Three options really:

1. Persuade him to move out. Seems unlikely given he is abusive and useless.
2. Take financial and legal advice on buying him out the house.
3. Take advice on getting the house on the market asap.

With 2 and 3, it sounds like he would struggle to afford somewhere he could have the kids 50/50. That would be good. He can be an old fashioned McDonalds on a Sunday dad until he can get his shit together.

Can you work through all his behaviour with Refuge, and see what their advice is on potentially criminal behaviour? It might not meet the coercive control threshold but worth thinking through. Even if you wouldn’t want to report/prosecute, it might help you a) resolve to leave asap, and b) give you more leverage and put the frighteners on him, especially if his responsible job would be at risk…

Ooops sorry OP, I posted without seeing it is already a long thread. Best of luck with getting yourself and DC away from this man. It will be so good for them to be in a healthier atmosphere, even if the change upsetting at first xx

God re-reading this thread has made my chest pain come back. Horrible uncomfortable feeling

Thank you though for all your V good advice. I'm so sorry @DearDenimEagle you've been through this twice. It's so stressful. Maybe it's more stressful constantly thinking about doing it. I feel like every waking hour for so long now has been consumed by thinking about leaving. Then the guilt. Then the fear. Then deciding just to grin and bear it and then 15 mins later thinking "no, I have to, I can't live like this". I don't know why I'm so weak. It's just the poor kids

OP where are you with practicalities? Have you talked to a solicitor about custody, money etc? You can't keep living like this.

Have you contacted your morgage company and told them you are in a highly abusive relationship and trying to flee?

Ask have they a protocol for this so you can take a morgage break until the house is sold.

Have you asked Women's aid about this?

You need to reach out and ask.

You can do this, you just need support.

I am thinking about you. You can do it!

You aren’t weak. Your world is changing. It’s scary, especially as you have DC. You will vacillate. That’s why women go back to their abuser. They keep remembering the good times and while he , or she because women are like that too, is being a reasonable human, we think, it’s a blip. All marriages have them, It will be ok. The triumph of hope over experience …for a little while, till the real monster pops up again. He has shown you who he is. Believe him. No more guilt. Don’t let him wind you up, either. Don’t react.
Try to concentrate on the plan, make the arrangements, see the lawyer, and when you aren’t being proactive, be with the children and concentrate on them so you aren’t dwelling all the time on the upcoming changes and building the fear. Christmas is coming and that will occupy some of your thoughts between the arrangements to facilitate departure.
Try to see it as a new beginning , rather than just the end . New opportunities. Freedom. And stop with the guilt. You are saving yourself. You are saving your children. Teaching them what is acceptable and what isn’t, which will be a good thing for their future relationships.
You've got this.

Just saw your post on the chest pain. I wish I could hug you and say it will be ok. Help in some way. I know it is awful. It just doesn’t help to dwell on it. Sing ‘always look on the bright side of life’ . Life of Brian. Sorry, that’s flippant but I do feel for you. I’m angry at him and rooting for you.

In some moments I do feel excited about leaving @DearDenimEagle I mean tonight I'm lying in bed wishing I could go to sleep but he's playing video games downstairs and is going to come to bed soon and he turns all the lights on so there is no point trying to sleep. Or last night he woke at 4am and started watching the boxing next to me in bed. I woke and said "DH come up, it's 4am" and he said "what the fuck are you on about on. Just go back to sleep for fucks sake". Little interactions like that - im excited at not having to deal with.

All I want is own bed alone and a book and my kids asleep in the next room - that to me would be bliss.

@Ginge88 Great. He is a dick. Enjoys being a pain. I’m glad you’re looking forward with some anticipation. The first thing I did when I went into the rented flat, was to ask the landlord to get rid of the bed and bought myself a superking. We had only had a double. This thing 6 feet wide and 6ft 3” long was my ‘f you’ to him. I could starfish in any direction lol I still have it. I’m in it right now. Different mattress. Awesome.
Can you use an eye mask to blot out the light? They’re only a couple of quid? I used to wake but not open my eyes so I didn’t get the brightness , not that it was a frequent issue for me, (No electricity for 10 years helps.) … and it was easier to drift off again. Change the bulbs for lower wattage. I’d cut the cable lol, after tripping the mains first if mine had done that

Hi OP,

I’ve been following this thread for the longest, since it began, and I’m just reading your updates now - I wanted to let you know that the horrible pain in your chest and the anxiety you carry round in the pit of your stomach will dissipate the moment you get yourself outta there, and get settled in a new space with your kids. From experience, it’s so worth it.

I stayed for longer than I should’ve too, bit my tongue when he insulted me and intimidated me etc, and learned to stay small and quiet and got used to walking on eggshells. Awful feeling, as I’m sure you know. Leaving seemed to be a huge upheaval (worse in thought than in practice) that I put off for far too long, but I want to let you know it was the best thing I did and I feel grateful every single day for the peace I have now. Seriously. No more dreading him coming home, wondering what mood he’s in, having to worry if he’d flip, or having to listen to the venom he’d spit at me whenever I stepped out of line (which was all of the time, of course! Can’t do anything right, as you know)

As soon as I left, I felt I could breathe again. Relax. Find myself again. I physically felt like a weight had lifted. You can have peace too. You will have it - and so much more, as soon as you remove that abusive man from your life. You deserve better, and it’s out there.

Don’t feel guilty, you didnt aim for this, nor did you create this awful situation. He’s forced this onto you because he can’t treat you with respect or kindness. The worst thing you can do is carry on putting up with his behaviour.

I hope that once Christmas is over you can find the strength and the resources to do what you know you need to; you have it in you, it’s so obvious you are one tough cookie! So hold onto that, and the knowledge that life will feel infinitely better when that pain in your chest is shifted and the pain in your arse is DUMPED!!

Wishing you all the best for the happier, brighter future that is waiting right around the corner for you. It’s ready when you are! 💗😊

Thank you so much @Taluulaah and @DearDenimEagle for your stories. I'm inspired by women like you!! It's so hard and you've done it!!

I can imagine certainly the feeling of freedom if I moved. I spend ages on rightmove looking at little homes I could afford and daydreaming and it feels amazing!

But I know my kids will struggle.

The kids are doing the nativity soon and of course it's me getting the costumes, tickets, putting it in his diary and sending reminders to H - and I can't imagine what this looks like post split. How do you coordinate anything if one of your co parents is vindictive, petty, bitter??

I can't do it now its xmas. But I've got legal advice now. I've put the kids passports in my locker at work. I could take them to an airbnb if things kicked off. So im ready in january. I just have to be brave

Rooting for you for January then! There’s never going to be an easy time to do it tbh, although I absolutely understand how difficult it is around Christmas time with kids involved, but even in January there will be things that seem to stand in your way. Making that first jump is definitely the hardest- you’ll doubt yourself and things will feel really scary and uncertain at times, but the satisfaction and self confidence and freedom and independence that will eventually come is oh-so-worth it!

As for dealing with petty vindictive parents in these situations…. I’m not sure that’s ever really a straight forward thing, irrespective of whether you’re with them in a relationship or not. Surely if he is any type of father he will do what’s necessary for his kids sake (if only it was that simple, right!?)

If he does not, either to spite you or just through sheer thoughtless selfishness, is he really worth yours or your kids time anyway? If he can’t step up and make the effort without you coordinating it (be it in the relationship or outside of it) there is a point where you can’t continue to take responsibility for his shortcomings. Sadly your kids will eventually recognise those shortcomings too, and it’s sad and unfair and hurtful for them to have to experience that, but any dad worthy of his kids time and affection will not allow them to go through that. Only he can make that decision though. You protect your kids fiercely, but if their father isn’t willing to make them a priority too, there’s only so much tape you can stick over those cracks before things start crumbling around you all.

i guess there comes a point where in order to move forward and be the best you can be, and create the best environment for your family, you gotta free yourself of the burden and the heavy weight your husband puts on you, otherwise you’re gonna get utterly crushed in this abusive relationship. Irreparably damaged. If saving yourself isn’t enough, then save yourself for your kids sake. They need at least one wonderful parent. They need you, and they need you to be happy and safe and well.

Know this is all a bit rambley and I apologise, but hope you can see my point!! Control what you can control: keeping yourself and your kids safe. Everything else will work itself out, or it won’t, but at the end of the day as long as you and those precious babies of yours are safe, the rest is just background noise.

Best of luck. I know you can do this and I know you’ll feel so much happier when you don’t have somebody who apparently loves you tearing you down at every opportunity. Remembering what it’s like to not feel useless or less-than. Remembering what it’s like to not have somebody degrade you on the daily. It’s fkin exhilarating when you start remembering what it’s like to feel good again! I promise ya! 💗

Wouldn’t it be the best Christmas present to your children, a new peaceful home with no angry man in it? I’d crack on and go now. All this thinking about it must be worse than actually doing it, the stress can’t be good for you.
And, if your mum’s your main person to talk to, post here over going to her: she raised you to accept this as normal (I know it was your dad’s doing, really). You need women who know what’s not ok.

Oh @Ginge88, I saw that this thread had been updated and was so hoping you’d have left this sorry excuse for a man. You and your boys deserve so much more.

What did your solicitor advise? Sensible to hide the passports. Are you taking practical steps to plan your escape, like calling the mortgage company?

I know it must seem like a huge thing to leave him and very scary for you. But I suspect you’ll feel an instant relief as soon as you take the leap. And, once you’re away from him, you’ll have the space to just breathe and think clearly about the next steps. You don’t have to figure it all out, to plan every detail of co-parenting or the finances, you just have to leave.

We are all rooting for you.

He is so abusive.
You poor woman.

What a pig.
You know that that is NOT normal?
That is so so abusive.

Before you call to him, or initiate a conversation like that, put your phone on record or have a pen recorder working. It’s always good to have evidence rather than he said she said

once you are separated op, to an extent you let him fall. Nativity: you either let him work out it’s on and book by himself, or you send him a note saying nativity is on you need to buy a ticket if you want to go, or you say (IF he’s behaving generally) nativitity is on, it’s £10 if you send me money by Friday I’ll include you in our booking, otherwise you can book your own. You do not remind him after that, you do not book him a ticket he hasn’t funded (& you don’t offer him to sit with you unless he’s being sensible; if he’s being an ass you take that option off the table.)

You're not being over sensitive OP, your DH is just becoming a bore, using the same 'joke' so frequently. Just tell him that it was funny the first time, but the joke has grown whiskers now, and it's time to think up some new material that is actually funny!!

Your kids might not struggle. We spent so much time feeling guilty. I left my ex when my youngest were 5 and 2. I left because he started ignoring my eldest son to hurt me. I might have just stayed for ease if it was just me. The kids are 20 and 16 now, and despite how much he hurt me, we have managed to raise them without any major issues, even had some holidays together. We weren’t the people who allowed the kids to do stuff at the other parents house, we were generally on the same page with behaviour / what’s acceptable. Honestly the kids have been so well behaved, never caused any problems. If we had stayed together that wouldn’t be the case. They’ve had been living with two people who hated each other, like my parents who stayed together for the kids. Neither my brother or I thanked them for it.

This is sensible advice. Or alternatively you could tell him once what WhatsApp groups / apps / email lists he needs to be on, and leave him to it completely.

Last night I had to do an evening meeting online at 7.30pm and I hadn't got the kids to sleep by then. H steps in to do last bit. So many tears and screams from DC i can hear from upstairs. Then this morning both of them saying "why did daddy put us to bed. Where were you? Daddy didn't pick up teddies/give snuggles" etc. They are obviously totally fine but just the guilt of thinking, boys...what I'm going to may mean daddy puts you to bed without me 50% of all bedtimes.

Thank you for all your help! He is a pig you know @Goldcushions2 he's mean. Really mean. It makes him feel better about himself.

Children are resilient. My parents split when I was 14 and my brother 11. It was a relief to us. Dad wasn’t home much ever, but when he was, the tensions were awful and they rowed such a lot. We saw more of Dad after because he wasn’t hiding from his life at home, though still limited because mother painted him as the bad one and would not let him through the gate. She sent him away several times, but I was old enough to go get a bus , and I did. She was the reason they split. She’s the reason my brother moved to Germany at 18 and I to Scotland at 18.
You two are different. My mother was the equivalent of your husband and of course mothers got custody back then.
It was still better for us, not living with them both not getting on, her constant bickering at him.
My own children , 2 were grown, the third 4. The two eldest applauded my leaving and said I should have done it years before and taken them away too. (I did want to, even packed bags but no job, no money, nowhere to go) I worked for my OH and there were no wages. The wee one went to visit after school most days and spent a lot of holidays there, but he was also with his grandparents. It was a 4 generation household when I left.

So long as they aren’t used as pawns, and their interests come first with him as I know they will with you, they should be fine.