To find this H comment annoying

[Ginge88]

If I forget something or use the wrong plug or something, DH says loudly

"And the 356th way Ginge has fucked up today is...."

Or whatever number is in his head. Frustrating thing is I actually don't mess up things v much and it's him that needs reminders of everything

But yes if he notices says the milk is left out or something il hear him say "and Ginge succeeds in fucking up for the 455th time this week" and chuckling to himself

I've told him to stop. He tells me it's a joke. He does now do it less but he clearly thinks I'm being totally over sensitive

Am I?

Just read through all your posts OP. You must get help and get out. The sooner the better for you and your boys. I am keep you in my thoughts.

Today he lectured me for 25 mins (we were in the car together) that women "biologicallly needmen to be providers" and we all want to be looked after. That the best thing a woman can do is look attractive. He told me this is "undeniable".

From a man who has a wife that pays the mortgage, childcare, a wife that fixes every leak, who sorts the cars, who takes out every spider, who books everything, who works every hour, who pays for every outing.

This doesn't add anything to anything. Just writing it to keep myself sane.

He sounds laughable Ginge.

Hope your escape plans are going well x

It's unbelievable in this day and age that men can still think like that never mind voice it. Crazy.

I did say "but H, we don't have that set up at all" and he replied "well, feminism has a lot to answer for and socially things have changed but ultimately women biologically want someone who provides". Sure. He doesn't even know how much our mortgage is.

I'm trying. I am really trying. The boys are so attached to him at the mo. My younger one seems to have done a 180 and is really being quite attached to him all of a sudden

I'm keeping on though. But I do spend my night awake imaging the 3 of them living happily ever after and me in some bedsit.

Is that image of you in a bedsit because you've been ostracised by a happy little family unit, or out of a need for a break, some relief, some sense of control over your own life?
When I left my husband, I was really focused on having a safe space that I was in charge of. It took me five years to get up the strength to leave. I didn't have much at all, not even a tea towel or a set of cutlery. I had to learn how to build furniture, plumb a washing machine in. Furnished an entire house from ebay. Still have the same £70 second hand washing machine many years later. It gets Proper Angry at the spin cycle stage and proper goes for it, I have to push it back under the worktop once a week after a spirited attempt to dance across the kitchen floor. Feel pretty affectionate about the thing at this point.

Anyway. I can guess there's lots going on in your head, but keep talking to us.

By the way, as an aside, what does he think feminism has to answer for? It's because of feminism that women in the UK were able to open bank accounts without a husband signatory from 1975. It was legal for husbands to rape their wives until the 90s. What has feminism done? Suffragettes got the right for working men to vote. The right for women to vote came second.

Oh if ever there was a situation that calls for a Mumsnet head tilt and tinkly laugh

"You've cracked it love, no wonder we're so miserable, you're completely failing to bring all of the things I biologically crave to the table! You're so right. I'll get in touch with a divorce lawyer tomorrow and begin my search for a real provider. Thank you for helping me see the light."

I actually laughed at that. What a clown. Not laughing at you or your situation op, I am actually angry for you having to put up with him he really does sound nasty.

He must spend a lot of time watching videos. Shame he couldn’t read a book or something more healthy.

I want to say that there are so many men out there who are not like this. It is not normal. You do not have to put up with someone being horrible to you for the rest of your life.

I’m worried your little one is not so much loving his dad as trying to appease his dad. All little kids want their parents to love them, since he’s being a dick with them they are probably going to try to be extra nice to him in the hope he will be nice to them back. That is bloody heartbreaking.

btw it won’t end up with him having the kids and you alone as he can’t be bothered with them can he? He can’t even be arsed to read them a bedtime story and give them a cuddle.

He’s so horrible - remind me are you married/is the house in both your names?

Try not to rise to it when he baits you. That’s what he feeds on. He will deliberately provoke to get a reaction, then say you are the one who creates discord and arguments, or that you are crazy.

Hang in there till you don’t have to. You are doing great.

Blimey. How do you restrain yourself from laughing hysterically / responding with the above list of what you do / both?

He is ridiculous. I did laugh and disagree. But then the kids were in the back of the car and i could tell he was getting wound up by me disagreeing - saying to me 'if you could just stop your feminist kneejerk response for one bloody minute' and i don't want to argue in front of the kids. so i stayed silent. my mum did the same. i have such strong memories of angry dad, and silent mum, waiting it out - i used to think she was weak but now i realise she was probably doing it for us.

I was just at the playground with the kids and chatting to a mum. I didn't tell her anything but she started talking about her partner's X - they both have sets of kids and both 5050 - and i obviously don't know the details but she was just complaining about the set up, the fights, the fact her kids are watching loads of violent stuff at her X's house, arguments over schools, parents refusing to sit together at parents evening. It all sounded bloody awful to be honest and i feel exhausted at the thought.

finding it hard not to fixate on the regret & bewilderment i've got myself into this siutation.

You would be wise to grey rock rather than respond. He wants a response to react to. Even if the children are not there, I’d bite my tongue because you will never win an argument and he will use anything you say against you.

Yes consider grey rock and evident boredom to be “winning.” Put on headphones or imagine you have and just zone out. When he asks you for comment or agreement just smile vaguely and say “oh, no, I don’t think so.” Or “certainly, if you say so.” But both with the same level of indifference as though your toddler has shown you a pebble and insisted its a diamond.

hey ginge, i know it's been a couple months since your last update, how are you and the kids? i hope you've escaped <3 xxx

Still here I'm afraid @idkbroidk I don't want to ruin Christmas so I'm planning on telling him its over in January. I'm still battling such extreme guilt but I can't live like this forever

There are some stories of absolutely hideous men on Mumsnet but, for me, your DH is one of the worst. You are so clearly superior to him in every way and you sound lovely but he treats you like shit. He is so utterly mediocre but behaves as though you have won some sort of prize being with him.

Do not feel guilty! He's been sucked into the 'manosphere' with his talk of the biological drive for women to find a good 'provider' to be the father of their kids when, by that definition, he is is such a 'beta' male. His delusion would be laughable if it wasn't so damaging.

I agree @thepariscrimefiles

You should not feel guilty. You are doing the right thing by your children. He is the guilty one. I waited for Christmas to pass too, moved out 4 th January. I’d got a flat in October but didn’t move in till January. Good luck.

You should have everything in place so you move out , or kick him out lol, straight after telling him. Staying in the same house afterwards is not a good idea. Some people do and manage but your OH is not going to just lie back and accept it. He will get angry or plead with crocodile tears, or both.
Just remember, he has shown you who he is and will always revert.
Abused women go back to their men on average 7 times before quitting for good. It’s a rollercoaster you’d really be better off avoiding.

I’m so sorry you are going through all of this and wish there was some way to help

Fingers crossed for you that tge new year is wonderful!

I have found places to rent that I can afford for me and kids. I could move out tomorrow and be OK financially. But he pays v little towards mortgage already and he would stop paying it all together. I can't pay mortgage plus rent on my own place for longer than 2 months without running out of money. Unless I live on credit. If he moved out and paid rent, I could cover all costs of family home until sold. But I can't run 2 homes.

@thepariscrimefiles that is saying a lot as they are some horrible men on this website!

Thank you @DearDenimEagle did you move out with the kids? Did he see it coming?

Good luck OP. Apologies if this has already been discussed but is there any chance you can take a mortgage break in the new year to give yourself some breathing time when you leave?

He tells me it's a joke.

This is the top tip in the bully’s handbook! Pretending it’s just banter, “can’t you take a joke?”.

I wouldn’t be able to stand this. Can you talk through what’s making him keep insulting you? Or, really, just tell him to find someone who meets his standards. He certainly doesn’t meet yours.

Oh my 🤣🤣🤣. That will get his attention