To find this H comment annoying

[Ginge88]

If I forget something or use the wrong plug or something, DH says loudly

"And the 356th way Ginge has fucked up today is...."

Or whatever number is in his head. Frustrating thing is I actually don't mess up things v much and it's him that needs reminders of everything

But yes if he notices says the milk is left out or something il hear him say "and Ginge succeeds in fucking up for the 455th time this week" and chuckling to himself

I've told him to stop. He tells me it's a joke. He does now do it less but he clearly thinks I'm being totally over sensitive

Am I?

As harsh as it will be handing dc over for contact I can't imagine he will want to have them alone in their current emotional state. He will hand them back ptq imo. Try to concentrate on your dc having at least 50% of their lives amazing with you...

You sound like an amazing, strong, emotionally competent person to me OP.
You need to plan your escape now before you breakdown completely and he realises what you’re planning. You got this!
He’s draining all life out of you because he enjoys it, take that in!! How sadistic is that?
Try to imagine that this is happening to one of your children, how would you advise them to act?

Can you go and stay elsewhere for a few days? Do you have a sibling or old school friend?
Try to get away from him as much as you can.
Also (and I’m not a parent, so the parents might disagree?) just sleep with your son. Eat dinner early and let him go to bed later at 9pm, and just go to sleep. Get up early and do your chores in peace then? Then you also don’t need to share a bed with this disgusting monster.

You are doing really well, just keep going x

Thank you all for being so lovely. Bit sad that when I was balling my eyes out last night the only thing I could think to do was post here! Some friends/family do have a bit of a clue and I know when I do it - they would be there - but they all have their own stuff and just feel stupid calling them. I feel more level headed today. Last night I just wanted to bash my head against the wall! Been at work today which helps. Will cut back on the extra commitments too. I think my boss would definitely be supportive and flexible. But I do need to be honest. So hard to say it out loud. Thank you all x

I'm sure I'm not alone in wishing I could give you a big hug and tell you everything will be okay ❤️

@Ginge88 I have my own stuff but if a friend got in touch about this I'd be there for them.

You’re on the right track; cutting back on extra at work, grey rocking your resident troll, sharing with others. This is the start of a big journey and like any journey it starts with the first steps.
You sound like an amazing, strong woman and wonderful mother. Try not to think of the whole journey at once, just the next one or two steps at a time to keep the overwhelm in check.
Keep posting as there are so many people who’ve been through the process and out the other side and can help with all sorts of information and of course ,support.
You can do this.

Honestly it will be so much better to leave in the long run. Perhaps harder at first but then so much easier for the rest of your life.

You worry about your dc but firstly he may reduce his contact when he realises how hard it is. And secondly you will be role modelling healthy parenting and normal relationships. While you are together all your kids see is an abusive dynamic.

Btw I left my abusive ex nearly 20 years ago and never regretted it. Not once.

He hates me. I don't think anyone needs anymore examples or stories but I really don't understand why I keep feeling surprised at his contempt but he's shown it again tonight! He has so much contempt. He keeps overusing my name so much too in the most patronising way. He is literally saying right now "what you doing now ginge? Texting your silly friends ginge?".

I'm finding my anger slowly. Tonight I actually started to feel excitement about the future with v little guilt. Certainly not towards him.

Feeling excitement is wonderful! So pleased to read that. I've been lurking but not commenting, apologies.
I'm so sorry he's a shit. His contempt is vile and you deserve to be cherished.

I guess it's surprising because it's such an abnormal way for a human being to behave, particularly towards the person they are supposed to live and cherish.

Jokes are supposed to be funny to all parties otherwise it's bullying

He is a narcissist…possibly NPD . They are misogynistic..always.
He doesn’t just hate, feel contempt for you. It’s all women.

His brain is underdeveloped in the emotional empathetic area. Possibly childhood trauma related but not ever fixable. It’s purposeful and deliberate now though. A conscious decision to devalue you.

Do not rise to his bait. It feeds him when you do. Either ignore or smile sweetly…try not to snarl instead lol. You are a star. You will get through this

Actually, it’s most people. He will strive to be like some guys he admires but most are beneath him. He needs to feel superior. He picked you because he admired you but then it turns to resentment because he can’t be as good as you so he has to put you down and make you less than, to make himself more than.

Oh, my bad, narcs can be female so reverse that for them …sorry any guys reading this..I know you suffer too

All the best op 💐 I left my abusive ex in 2018, and life is so much better out the other side.

hi @Ginge88 I’ve not read the full thread, but i’ve read all your posts. My exH was very like your H - totally contemptuous of me and totally lacking in kindness and empathy. Would scream, smash things etc in front of our young children, call me names, also hit me and hurt them (grabbing DS’ arm so hard it bruised when he was 7). He earnt/earns good money as a lawyer (the irony) and so do I, but he earned more. We had been together 21 years, married for 14.

I left him in November 2022. DS was 8 and DD was 4.5. I was 41.

I was terrified of 50:50 but it became apparent he had very little interest in doing any actual parenting - he has the kids every second weekend and one afternoon a week after school. The actual split was horrendous - he drained our joint account of all of our money, I had to threaten police action to get it back. He refused to leave the house - we did a nesting arrangement initially and I had to find and furnish the property, down to pillows for his bed. After 6 months of nesting he found a girlfriend and moved permanently to the other property.

its now nearly 2 years on … I’m in NZ so can’t file for divorce until we have been separated 2 years 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫 I have never regretted ended my marriage for a second. I knew it was bad but I didn’t realise how bad it was until I left. I am so glad my kids are not growing up in that environment, thinking that that way he treated me was in any way acceptable.

I am in a new relationship with a man who totally loves me and would never call me names or scare me or demean me. Life can be really happy @Ginge88 and you are still so young. It will be hard but you won’t regret leaving for a second ❤️❤️❤️

Some advice that I would have found helpful @Ginge88

• make sure you have some funds that only you have access to. All of our funds were joint and remained so while we negotiated financial separation which meant he was still able to control me and have some visibility of what I was doing
• have someone with you when you tell him it’s over. If he’s volatile snd unstable it could be a dangerous and damaging time for you and your kids.
• Don’t let your mum minimise his behaviour. Mine was the same “oh marriage is hard! you never know what goes on behind closed doors! Men get stressed” … She minimised exH’s behaviour to me to avoid accountability for her own marriage.
• Get therapy (individual therapy). I found it really valuable to talk to someone without judgement and have my experience validated
• Do not go to couples counselling. He’s abusive and will use your vulnerabilities against you.
• change your phone passwords, pin codes, safeguard private information, secure the kids passports. My exH went through every handbag, drawer etc looking for evidence of an affair. Bc clearly I wouldn’t just up and leave him for being an abusive prick. I’ll never forget him sitting down on the deck with my copy of Lundy Bancroft “Why does he do that?” (which you should read) that he’d found after rifling through my bedside table. So creepy.

@Endoftheroad12345 wow thank goodness you left. Sounds dreadful.

Excellent advice from Endoftheroad12345. I'm going to add;

Keep your gadgets charged up, and make sure you have a working phone. Program in all the important phone numbers.
Photograph or scan all important documents and keep a back up.
Consider getting tech support to check he isn't snooping on your gadgets or accounts.

Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Thank you for all this great advice @DearDenimEagle I know lots of people call people narcissistic but I really think he is. Everything that happens relates to him. If I say I'm worried about something he says I'm selfish for "ruining his evening" for example, he can only relate things to himself. He's v quiet though and easily intimidated by other ppl.

Thank you for all the advice @Endoftheroad12345 with nesting - did you have 3 homes then? One of you, one for him, and one "nest"?

He sounds awful. God - well done for gettinh out. Do you still feel you do everything? I do all the admin and sorting for the kids and can't see that ever changing. Is it even harder doing everything with an ex? I imagine they will become v obstructive. For example I read on her XHs refusing to let kids go on holiday or move house or even take medications.

I have my own account. Nothing is joint. I'm moving passports and few other bits into my locker at work. I do feel worried though. I can afford to go to an Airbnb locally or something but the kids school is few streets down from our house so it's not like we can disappear!

Thats why you need Women's aid for real advice and even legal advice how best to do it.

Perhaps the police should be told that you have left an abusive situation if he reports you missing.

Remember the more people you tell the better.

He is abusing you and now the children, so you had to leave.

Pre Covid my friend was on a primary school WhatsApp and one night a vile voice message was posted by one of the mothers of her being verbally abused and her children crying.
My friends friend sent it on to her own account quickly after listening to it and it was deleted a short time later. It was really awful.
They were stunned as he was such a pleasant affable man🙄. It was sent to the head teacher and SS were involved and the police, as there was a threat made towards her and the children.
He left the family home immediately on advice.
It turned out she had been horribly abused verbally and bullied for years.
Accidentally posting on the class WhatsApp was a huge blessing as it blew everything open.
His name was absolute mud, right into his job.
She divorced him eventually.

If you can record him it would be very helpful. Especially around the children.

But you need advice and support.
You can do this.

@Ginge88 we had the family home and the nesting home and we rotated in and out.

Recordings and photos/videos are a good thing to have. I have multiple, photos of myself with a black eye, a video of the kitchen totally smashed up, a 3 min video of him ranting and smashing things and throwing things at me while I record him silently from the corner of the room. Ironically at the time I did it, it wasn’t for “proof” - my thinking was if I showed it to him after he calmed down he would see how insane his behaviour was and would get help.

Those videos have been invaluable - he knows I have them and could go to the police at any time which would be the end of his career as a lawyer, and even if I didn’t do that, if I showed people it would destroy his image as mild mannered lawyer. They also helped strengthen my resolve when the going was tough and reminded me why I was leaving.

Yes I do absolutely everything. He won’t even buy the kids clothes to have at his house. I have to pack a bag every time they go.

Absolutely this.
If I could go back in time and give one piece of advice to my 19 year old self, who deep down knew that things weren’t really right with the man who said he loved me, it would be to keep a diary. A record of all those moments that I was belittled, accused, and made to feel unsafe. Mine never physically laid a finger on me but I went through absolute hell. Even now at 43 years old, 9 years free of him and now in a very loving relationship with an absolutely wonderful man, I still struggle with the question, was it actually that bad? I know it was but these abusers have a way of altering your mind to invoke a highented sense of self doubt and unnecessary guilt. Plus society is still very young in accepting that emotional abuse and coercive control are serious matters. It’s only the younger generations that are often truly accepting this treatment isnt ok so gaining support from others isn’t alway as easy as it would be if you had physical bruises in your body. It’s so hard to gain the validation you will crave once you are out and free from his grasp, and having it written down or recorded- clear memories of what happened will be a lifeline to your trauma processing, healing and recovery. Its easy to forget the smaller incidents, but I know they happened, and I know that each time my happiness was chipped away, but I’m still trying to work out where it went as I honestly can’t remember a lot of the trauma so I constantly doubt myself.
You will be ok, your children will be ok, and you can make it out there on your own free from any of this hate ever again. Be brave OP, it honestly will be tough but so so very worth it. xxx

@Goldcushions2 it can be shocking how different some people can behave when behind closed doors, with people they assume will stay unconditionally. Nothing surprises me any more.