To find this H comment annoying

[Ginge88]

If I forget something or use the wrong plug or something, DH says loudly

"And the 356th way Ginge has fucked up today is...."

Or whatever number is in his head. Frustrating thing is I actually don't mess up things v much and it's him that needs reminders of everything

But yes if he notices says the milk is left out or something il hear him say "and Ginge succeeds in fucking up for the 455th time this week" and chuckling to himself

I've told him to stop. He tells me it's a joke. He does now do it less but he clearly thinks I'm being totally over sensitive

Am I?

My younger DS bloody hates him. I was in the kitchen and H was in a right mood because DS won't hug him or go near him. I said "DS loves you" and DS strode in an declared "no, I do not. I want him to go away forever". Hes only 3. H went mad. Why don't angry men realise they're in a cycle? Getting angry at people because they don't like u is the stupidest thing. DS isn't going to like him if H shouts at him!

One thing I find hard to justify is that DS will be forced to spend more time with H than he currently does post split. He's going to be so unsettled by spending maybe whole weeks with him without me

The one family I know with a similar sounding dynamic I know the mum was / is concerned about kids having to spend time with their dad.

It’s tough because she has to use a lot of her time with the kids calming them down and reassuring them after time with dad. They act out more after being with him, more likely to have anxiety around school etc.. However, it appears to me, and the mum says the same, that overall the kids are happier now.

They have more time when they can relax without the difficulties that dad introduces, more time to work through the emotions. Mum is much stronger in herself and able to support the kids better in their relationship with dad. It’s tough, and it’s taken a good few years to settle down, but in that case it does seem to be overall a better situation for everyone.

OP, you cant seriously think that it is better to stay together 100% of the time rather than provide a safe space at least 50% of the time?
The older your children get the more they will vote with their feet.
I cannot see him wanting 50% for long.
The reality is too hard.

It is so awful that your son is driven at 3 to saying that.
Its horrific.
Poor little mite.
So abusive of him to be driven to express that.

He's v loving and hands on with kids.

i say he's a good dad because he is in lots of ways. he loves them a lot and they love him.

Your words OP. The two sections are not compatible with each other and I think you are now minimising the effect he is having on the children.

screamed in front of kids so they run under table

He just told DS he has to "finish all his rice" at dinner and DS started crying saying "please only half"

DS scattered some toys and he shouted at youngest DS. He then started explaining to me how was this level of mess acceptable and when I said 'ok, let's not do this now' as both boys were crying sat on top of me

My younger DS bloody hates him. I was in the kitchen and H was in a right mood because DS won't hug him or go near him. I said "DS loves you" and DS strode in an declared "no, I do not. I want him to go away forever". Hes only 3.

You say he will insist on 50/50 but a part from doing most of the cooking and the bins what does he actually do to run the house or childcare?

The reality is, he is NOT going to do 50/50, because it will be too much work.

The time he does have the kids he is going to give them screens to look at and games to play, feed them on freezer foods and takeaways and whatever else necessary to avoid argument and confrontation.

Whilst it won't be the best parenting, from a small childs point of view it is likely to be far less conflict filled and scary than the current situation.

Contact is also likely to tail off as your ex finds it harder work to do, and as the kids get older they'll be able to have a say as to wether they actually go or not.

AND on top of that, at LEAST half of the time probably more, you'll be able to provide good parenting and proper love and support.

That has to be better than the current situation.

Yes. You are all being fair. I'm not wobbling on the decision, just worrying about it all a lot.

I'd been telling myself my 3 year old is attached to me because he's 3 and I'm his mum. But today a family friend came to look after him as I have to go to office and he barely said goodbye to me he was so happy in her company.

You are teasing things out in your head, that is ok.

But honestly what your 3 year old has spelled straight out, is really shocking.
This is not normal at all.
This is a child absolutely absorbing the toxicity of his family life, seeing 100% clearly that his father is a nasty prick.

Believe me when I tell you that a child so verbal will be soon telling those outside of your home how nasty Daddy is to mummy and him.

If that is a mandated person, they will be obliged to tell the authorities.
You are a good mum, you mean well.
Take this seriously.

Call your GP and ask for advice.
Tell the GP exactly what your child is witnessing and saying, and how he is being treated.

Could you self report to SS and ask for advice?
Call Womens aid and ask for advice.
Speak openly about what your child is saying.
He is being exposed to absolute toxicity in the home.

You can do this.

my aunt says the same kind of thing as your mum but she has been putting up with horrible behaviour from her husband and they are well into their 70s now. I do not listen to her when it comes to relationship advice.

it sounds like your kids are already being impacted by his behaviour even though they’re so small. I hope you are alright.

Sometimes you can worry too much and you become frozen with fear of the unknown. Usually the unknown is actually not that bad in the end once we've taken that first step.

Take a deep breath and take that first step. Hundreds of women before you have been in your exact same position regarding children and horrible fathers - and the children end up flourishing because they are away from the permanent toxic atmosphere. Remember, most men don't end up doing 50% it's usually far, far less.

You have to document the abuse for the judge. Get social services involved so they back you for custody. It’s not always 50/50 if there’s abuse. My OH never saw his kids after ages 9 and 10. They won’t talk to him now except to tell him to F off. You have to get them away. Judges talk to children too.

Oh..he doesn’t love them. In his head, he owns them as he owns you. If you can record his treatment of them when he’s making them cry or shouting at them or at you when they are there, it shows you aren’t being vindictive or lying to use children as pawns, as many do.
You have record on your phone. You can get voice activated digital recorders to hide under a couch or something. Even recorders in a ballpoint pen, that also works as a pen. Be pro active for your children.

Tonight he's just on the sofa next to me snorting, really snorting, with laughter at tiktoks of people smacking each other round the face. Even when he's not being a dick to me, I want to be away from him! What did I ever see in him?

I've read all your comments. Thank u. I can and will do it.

I hear you, I really do. I'm still in the process of leaving as I am financially stuck until the house sale has completed. For the past six months my evenings have been spent in my bedroom while he wanders around the rest of the house. It's how I cope. You need to start thinking how you will cope too once you've told him. Is there a spare bedroom, or can the children be moved together into the master so you both have the smaller rooms? If so can you put a TV in that room etc. Unless of course you have the funds to get a rental in which case whoohoo!

I have read your entire thread here. I just wanted to say I think you are focusing on your children as a coping mechanism. Also using them as an excuse not to push yourself into doing what needs doing. I know it is hard. I have been exactly where you are but with three kids and pregnant. I got my children and walked away from everything. I did it. So can you. Do not allow him to insult you in front of the children. Fight back. You are allowed. I am not saying to shout. You look him dead in the eye and tell him enough is enough. That you are done with his mind games and will not tolerate his behavior any longer. Dig deep. I wish you well.

He is just so disgusting. And such a disappointment. I can’t wait until you’re free of him.

I'm not in a good way. The kids been refusing to go to bed. Being really really hyper and clingy and just been battling it for a hours. Every evening is the same with the little one. He just won't sleep unless I'm with him. H does 10 mins of putting PJs on and then disappears.

H came upstairs and I had been crying - just through frustration and exhaustion of first day of school, work all day, kids not sleeping, relentlessness. And feeling so alone. Like i wish i could ask for some help but i know no point. And H sees my crying and says "what the hell is going on. Why the kids awake" and I've just run downstairs. He could not be less arsed. And feel honestly like running out the back door. I'm done in. I'm an idiot and for some reason have volunteered for extra things at work and I've got older parents who need me, and a boss who is on my case every hour and kids who don't listen and a husband who despises me. I'm currently doing laundry because nobody has anything to wear. All I want is a frigging cuddle, or for my H to see me tearful and show any fucking kindness. He sees me cry and rolls his eyes. I feel like I could just get into the car and keep driving for hours. Sorry to be so dramatic but my life is just people asking me to do stuff and yet also I feel like I'm disappointing everyone. I'm not good enough mum, not good enough employee and my H seems to think I'm not worthy of anything. Sorry for the dramatics. I nearly called samaritans. I feel I could burst. I just need someone to show me some kindness or tell me im doing alright. I feel like I'm trying so hard and yet everyday feels so shitty.

I've been quietly watching this thread since the beginning but haven't commented yet.

I don't know where you are in the world @Ginge88 but I hope I speak for many of us here who have been where you are right now when I say that if we could all give you that hug, do the laundry for you, tell work to wind their fucking necks in and launch your H from a trebuchet into a moat we would.

Darkest hour is before dawn and all that. I've been there, the next bit is going to be quite shit for a while. Less shit than what's happening now though. Baby steps through the poo my friend, we're all here for you.

Aww @Ginge88 that really sucks. Chin up chick, you have got this, you're not a shit mum you're just at the end of your tether. Things will get better. Once you get shot of the dead weight of a useless husband, life will be better. We've all got your back. Big big hugs, you're worth 50 of him, you're a decent human who's stretched a bit thin right now. Things will improve.

I'm an idiot and for some reason have volunteered for extra things at work
That's because you are trying to escape your home life so you volunteer for anything and everything. Unfortunately, as you are realising, this is not the answer.

Tomorrow go in and unvolunteer yourself. If it's outside work hours then say something has cropped up with your parents and you need to keep yourself free. Or say the kids haven't adjusted to being back at school yet and you need to be there for them. Say whatever you need to do to get out of these extra things.

You ARE a good enough mum, you ARE a good enough employee, and you ARE good enough for a big unmumsnetty hug from us all 🤗

You're obviously an extremely competent person, OP, it's just that you're starved of support. If only you had a proper champion girlfriend IRL to back you up. But we're here for you.

Hey @Ginge88 , I just came to say you are good enough, better than good enough really.

She can’t tell him till she’s gone. Not everyone accepts things are over. Some guys won’t let you leave. Won’t sleep elsewhere. Will insist on being in charge. It’s much safer to go while he’s out or away with work and that’s when he finds out. He can rage to an empty house.

Your kids are feeling insecure because they see and hear. You are a good mum. I’m sending virtual hugs. This whole thread is a hundred hugs for you. You don’t want H to hug you. You really don’t. Narcs hate tears. They see them as manipulation.
Can you take a sick week or even a couple of days from work to sleep and relax , even catch up on laundry a bit while children at school ?

I've followed your thread but not commented yet. I've been blown away by your strength and self awareness.

This isn't the time to try to be the best version of yourself, to be all things to all people. You're allowed to crack a little.

Tell HR at work what is happening, that you're trying to leave an abusive relationship. You're obviously a valued employee and I'm sure they'll support you by lessening the workload. Do you have an employee assistance service you could call?

The kids are probably picking up on the atmosphere at home. They'll be happier when you're out of this and happier yourself.

We are all rooting for you on here. And sending you huge hugs and support. You can do this. One day at a time.

@Ginge88 - you are absolutely good enough. More than good enough, in fact.

I second @PinotPony's advice about telling HR you're in the process of leaving an abusive relationship, if things can calm down at work that will give you more energy and space to focus on yourself and the children.

You've totally got this, we're all here with you.