To find this H comment annoying

[Ginge88]

If I forget something or use the wrong plug or something, DH says loudly

"And the 356th way Ginge has fucked up today is...."

Or whatever number is in his head. Frustrating thing is I actually don't mess up things v much and it's him that needs reminders of everything

But yes if he notices says the milk is left out or something il hear him say "and Ginge succeeds in fucking up for the 455th time this week" and chuckling to himself

I've told him to stop. He tells me it's a joke. He does now do it less but he clearly thinks I'm being totally over sensitive

Am I?

Do it back to him. I'm sure he'll soon stop.

I have read all your posts OP and I’m absolutely horrified that you are stuck with this monster. You sound so rational and reasonable in the face of such deep provocation. I really hope you manage to get away and I hope that he will realise he’s a shit parent and leave you to it for a while. What a sad little man.

Ignore my first comment, I've now read all your comments. I'm so sorry you're living with such a horrible bastard. Don't doubt yourself, leaving him is the best decision despite worries you may have about sharing care of the kids. It's more important for them to have a happy mum, than to live with a man who belittles their mum constantly. You need to split for their sakes, so they don't learn his behaviour and think that's how you treat women. Do you have proof that you have been paying the mortgage by yourself? If you earn more than him could you afford to buy him out so you don't have to leave the kids home? It's a lot to think about and process but I truly believe you need to leave him as soon as you can. I'd even go so far as so create a case with the police and record all the abusive behaviour so that it's on file for when you come to splitting care of the kids.

Couldn't agree more! You are very strong Op.

Would you consider telling your manager or HR? It would be good if you could, to get their support especially if you need time off at short notice or extra flexibility with your workload / hours etc.

Good luck!

Also he winds the kids up so much. I thought it was fun play fighting but he can be so OTT with them, calling them "poo head", (which they are now repeating in public as loudly as they can) pretending to throw them in the bin/fight, and then theyrr totally crazy and he just disappears and now I've been doing bedtime alone for 90 mins with two v hyper small kids. Doing bedtime tonight compared to the last week is so different. Tonight I'm doing bedtime, tidying up, and cooking dinner. He's playing video games. He even made a joke about me "making him a lovely return dinner". He's blatantly going to try and have sex tonight. I will say no. But it will be grim.

I do worry when we split the two boys will end up with him somehow. He okays video games, he buys them toy guns, sweets, he says stupid stuff all the time, and he slags me off to them! I'm v boring in comparison.

“…and the billionth time twatfeatures has made that same laboured shitty comment”

What a bastard. The only positive thing that comes to mind reading your posts is that often people who behave horribly feel like shit because of it, let’s hope that’s true in his case.

I do not have your patience.

He might be the "Disney dad" who buys sweets and lets them stay up late but that'll soon wear off. When he actually has to parent them, you won't be there to do it for him, to calm the waters.

The kids will quickly realise that Dad is a short tempered arsehole with no patience. And they'll come to appreciate reliable, calm, loving Mum.

He just started ranting at me about the fact I'd bought wonky carrots. Saying "I thought we'd had this conversation, I thought you understood, they are a stupid ridiculous affectation, I can't believe you bought these again" again and again. Me and the kids were watching a film and he wss just going and going. Now he's so grumpy.

I'm trying really hard to plan leaving but it's so hard. Him and the kids are just here all the time. I can't wait for school next week.

I used to live with someone who got angry over stupid shit and I grey-rocked their shit but I learnt to have a silent chuckle to myself 'you are angry at a carrot you twat, imagine getting that worked up over a wonky carrot'. This sort of helped to rebalance how those times would affect me until I was able to escape. It was water off a duck's back at the end, I had not an ounce of respect left after the ridiculousness of him. I hope you are able to get away from him soon.

I wish I had my anger as they say. I don't feel anger at him. Pity, resentment, but the feeling of guilt is the most overwhelming feeling. So many people will be negatively affected. And he is going to lose his mind. Sorry to keep rambling on. I'm usually quite tough or I thought I was but it feels a bit impossible. I'm scared of him as an ex husband.

Yes, I don't feel anger but I know one thing for certain and that is I don't have an ounce of respect for him either as you say. I need to get better at grey rock.

Oh Ginge, love. He's an absolute bell end!!

Tell him to shut the fuck up or you'll stick the wonky carrots up his arse.

So many people will be affected by this if you stay. Imagine your beautiful sons treating their future partners like this, their children seeing this thinking it's normal.

But please, do this for yourself, be strong and leave this sorry excuse for a man. Imagine the peace when you don't have to listen to the drivel he spouts or feel him in bed next to you.

I do worry when we split the two boys will end up with him somehow
He won't want them. He will fight for 50/50 but only so he won't have to pay cms or to mess with your head, but he won't want to do the school runs, or clean the uniforms or to do bathtime. The drudgery will soon turn him off.

I'm trying really hard to plan leaving but it's so hard.
Get a notebook and start writing things down. Make a list of what you need to do. Hide it somewhere he doesn't go, maybe with the hoover or amongst the decorating sheets or under the mattress your side. Don't start on the first five pages (maybe make a list of decorating projects or boring things on those so if he sees it he puts it back). Seeing things in black and white (and crossed off) is helpful imo.

You don't have to find your anger, I never did. I did start to find him ridiculously stupid and I ended up internally laughing at him like pp. I also made bets with myself as to what he would say over any given flash point, ie you bought wonky carrots (due to them being cheaper), so start thinking how you think he might react. When he reacts exactly how you thought you tend to giggle inside. This takes away his power and your fear. Try it next time.

OP, what does your mum know about this? Does she know you are trapped in an abusive marriage? Can you confide in her? Can you go stay with her even for a week? I re-post something I said earlier to someone else on another thread:

"OP, every poster on here who is mistreated by their husband says the same thing. 'oh the kids adore him!', 'oh the kids will HATE ME if I leave him'. Please don't gaslight yourself. Kids will still adore both parents whether living with them full time or not. And many of us will attest that kids will appreciate seeing their mother happier. Happy mummy, happier life. Staying 'for the sake of the children' never, and I mean NEVER works. Kids know when something is up. You owe it to yourself to be happy so you can be an effective mother. Please leave. At least pack your bags and go stay with your parents (or relative) for a few days - 'give him a scare'. See what he says then when he comes back home and sees you've left him, and he has to explain to his mummy. Time for ULTIMATUM."

When you leave it has to be for good. This guy won’t behave because he had a scare. If he thinks he’s losing control he will get angry . You won’t like him when he’s angry …and I mean angry. You can’t let him know you are thinking of leaving until you are safely out for good.
I am serious. These guys can be dangerous.
Nothing wrong with saying you’re going to visit mother for a few days, but don’t use it as a threat of permanence depending on his behaving better.
it might seem impossible but your children need protecting from this. Their view of women and marriage is being created, the longer it goes on.

i actually have spoken to my mum about it. laying the groundwork so it's not a shock. just saying we are in a very bad place. she is supportive kind of - she is v practical so focussed on how i could afford it etc. but she also said a lot of stuff about that is just the way men are - grumpy, difficult, and that I should invest time in building him up and also telling the kids to be nicer to him. my dad was v grumpy and difficult - and that was the dominant force in teh house - keep dad happy - and my mum says that is just the way it is. so i think there is a sense of 'we all put up with it dear' - grass isn't necessarily greener.

Well that explains why you've put up with this relationship. Your parents trained you to accept this shit and your partner is just re-afirming that training.

You are worth more

Genius

The grass may not be greener but at least it won't be full of shit.

It's not 'just the way men are'. You only get one life, don't waste it with this wanker.

It's not about finding a better man, it's about having a better life without a shitty man.

you were groomed by your mother for a man like your OH. To accept abuse as normal. But as often happens, he went too far even for you. It seems she was also brought up to have the same mindset. It’s why you need to try and get your children out, before they think it’s normal, too

Yes, this. The cycle needs to be broken.

He sounds horrific.

@Ginge88 the guilt is understandable, but needs addressing. Leaving will not negatively affect you or your children in the long term. You and they are the ones who matter here, not other people. He may well lose his mind as you say, and that is why people are emphasising the need for you to escape safely. Outside support will probably help you, but it sounds like your mum may not be best placed for this, given that she's obviously endured years of the same sort of abuse.

Often, sadly, family aren't the best people to support us because they are the ones who trained us with the blindspots to end up in the situation in the first place.

If you leave, it might be hard for your mum to accept because it calls into question her own choices.

Do you have any trustworthy and supportive friends you could confide in?