To find this H comment annoying

[Ginge88]

If I forget something or use the wrong plug or something, DH says loudly

"And the 356th way Ginge has fucked up today is...."

Or whatever number is in his head. Frustrating thing is I actually don't mess up things v much and it's him that needs reminders of everything

But yes if he notices says the milk is left out or something il hear him say "and Ginge succeeds in fucking up for the 455th time this week" and chuckling to himself

I've told him to stop. He tells me it's a joke. He does now do it less but he clearly thinks I'm being totally over sensitive

Am I?

It is really hard to grey rock when they come out with such a pile of shite all the time, but you will thank yourself you didn't stoop to his level. I managed to grey rock my ex when we were getting divorced, even though frankly there were a million things I felt like telling him. I look back at that time with satisfaction, not all the horribleness of it of course, but the fact that I never said a thing when I was being called all sorts of things. It made me stronger at the time, and stronger now. All good wishes to you ginge x

I know he's ground you down, but honestly when he said this bit, 'he started telling me the other lads are talking about strip bars.' I'd have laughed out loud.

And then said, 'The idea of YOU in a strip bar' and refused to say any more.

He must know he's shit in bed. I would react to anything he says with an amused look and an 'okaaaay' or just a snigger, to be honest.

Please tell me you are actually filing for divorce.

Worth repeating OP. You have the second guy so be very careful and learn how to grey rock quickly. He will use your emotions against you. Keep a journal of all his goadings (mainly for you so you don't feel as though you are going insane if you have proof).

Get yourself checked out, your GP might be able to put you on anti anxiety meds until you are out the other side, which will help you enormously.

If you start to waver remember this:
You can continue in this hell for the next ten or twenty years or you can have a deeper hell for a year but peace and happiness for the remainder of your life. Dig deep, the rewards will be amazing

You can do this.

You've had the strength to put up with all this for years. My theory is that in many cases of abuse, these men are drawn to self-sufficient and capable women but then start to resent them because they are self sufficient and capable and they are jealous of that. They begin to erode your self confidence to make themselves feel superior. They are cruel.

So remember you were strong before this relationship. You are strong during it, and you'll also draw on that strength during the separation and beyond. Nobody here will tell you it'll be easy, but it will be worth it.

Your boys have learned a bit from him yes, but they are young enough to unlearn it if you leave.

In a home of your own, you can show them that women are deserving of respect and create a peaceful loving and joyful environment for them - and a safe haven away from the anger and outbursts. Even when it's not directed at them, it's terrifying for them on some level. As they grow and go to their dad's they'll begin to see the failure of a man who blames everyone but himself for his failings. But you'll have shown them a better way to be men.

He’s complacent that he can treat you like absolute dirt and nothing will happen as a consequence. He can insult you, belittle you, embarrass you, challenge you nastily - whatever he feels in the mood to do. Well, he can’t now because thankfully your eyes are open to it and you’ve realised that you are not right for each other. There’s no point flogging a dead horse. You said you felt bad at being nearly 40 in this situation. Well, don’t. 40 is going to be the marker of confidence and independence to go into your forties free of him - it will be a positive turning point for you. He’s clearly unhappy but hasn’t got the balls to do anything but alternate between being passive aggressive and miserable. Let him grump about and snap and be critical and and grumpy on his own. He can’t keep dragging you down. He doesn’t deserve a nice partner! He treats you appallingly.

He was away for 5 days. I did do some practical stuff like financial sortinh but as kids off school/nursery it's been harder. I confess I actually started to feel that maybe it wasn't all that bad and splitting wasn't necessary. I felt v good with him away but I started to feel so good I doubted it had ever been an issue. Does that even make sense? Like an ex smoker who thinks feels so fine they can control it now so can have a cigarette. I started to think "i just need to manage him better" and even sent the odd nice text. He's back now and within 2 mins I felt shitty. The kids are playing up a lot now.

Feel like a total idiot - like my memory is like a goldfish or something.

I think it's a normal impact of domestic abuse, until you get out of the situation. If you subconsciously believe you're trapped in a situation, your brain won't process how bad things are because you need to be able to cope, and also you need to be able to behave in a way that doesn't provoke more abuse. In fact your brain will do an amazing job of "protecting" you by forgetting and minimising the abuse.

But what your subconscious doesn't know is that you can leave. Once you get out, thinking will become easier.

Makes total sense. Leaving is a big change, change is always scary and it takes effort, your mind will be seeking ways to avoid all that disruption. Plus, being in a crappy situation or relationship saps your confidence and optimism, which makes your subconscious even more afraid of change. Small steps. If you aren’t sure about leaving, just do things so that you could leave easily, in case it feels really bad one day. Create that option for yourself, but you don’t have to commit to taking it yet if you need more time.

It makes sense to me. He’d treat me like crap, then be nice or be away for a few days , maybe a couple of weeks and I’d think, it’s only a blip. Every marriage has them, doesn’t it? Ups and downs? It will be ok now and we are back to normal. It wasn’t so bad. After all, he doesn’t hit me, it’s just he gets wound up a bit. I can do this. I just need to ….be calmer, not react and upset him, try harder at the relationship.
Except normal was the roller coaster. The ups never lasted long. The downs got more and more frequent and nasty.
After I left, the bad was buried under new experiences and when he made sweet approaches and apologies, the bad seemed to have faded to nothings….and I went back…to hell as the reality very soon hit me again and I realised why I had left.
Abused women go back to their abuser as many as 7 times before the leave for the last time, or he kills them…and it does often escalate to that. The hope that the man they married will come back is hard to lose.

The man they married did not exist. He was a fake. A mask that cannot be maintained.
These guys are brain damaged. Cannot be cured. Won’t accept there’s a problem …or if there is, it’s not them. The part of their brain that deals with emotion, empathy is undeveloped. They cannot love as you know it. They can only think of what they want for themselves and they need to feel superior and in control.
But
do not feel like an idiot. It’s perfectly normal. But do resist it lol. I find I need to try and save others from making my mistakes and I learned so much in the past 7 years about these guys . Be strong. You can do this .

Oh yeah, these guys can’t feel the emotions or empathy but over their lives, they learn about the right responses to make. They can act the empathy and make the right noises, say the right things to fool others. They can’t keep it going but it gets them by.

I’ve only just seen the thread and have read it all the way through.

Oh my goodness, OP! I can’t tell you how much admiration I have for you, to be holding down a demanding job, maintaining your home, and being (what sounds like a thoroughly excellent) mum to young children. And to do that despite the undermining, the verbal abuse, the shouting, the fear for your children and yourself.

It’s horrible that you are being treated like this. I’d love for you and your boys to have a better life; one where you all feel secure, valued, loved. It’s what you and they deserve.

You’ve already achieved so much. You can do this too.

Hugs

Op, my husband was twatty like that. It killed some of my feelings to him. I built up my walls to protect myself. And I do regular therapy.

@Ginge88 you're not an idiot. This is another side-effect of the abuse. Hold on to how good you felt while he wasn't there as it's very telling. You felt good because he wasn't there, not because he's not so bad after all.

This is where you say I have 99 problems and all of them are you!

The audacity of him! He organised a trip away with his guy mates for the whole week which meant I needed to take the week off work to be at home with kids. I just told him I was seeing a friend for coffee this afternoon for a couple of hours and he just said "ah - you're prioritising that over family time on the last weekend of the summer then I guess?"

What??? He's been on the piss for 5 days! I've been at home with the kids. Is he actually deluded???

Thanks for being understanding everyone. The kids are pleased to have him back but we got on fine without him. Co parenting with him is going to be so painful though.

That's v kind of you to say because I feel like a right idiot most of the time!

Funny is once when you both can roll your eyes and laugh.
Carrying it on especially after you've asked him to stop is rude and disrespectful.

he does make me feel small a lot of the time. he is deeply insecure about everything so i don't feel anger towards him really

he sounds insufferable and passive aggressive. I wouldn't be able to stand that earache for the rest of my life.

I'm seriously thinking I need to work out away to step back from my career. I've always been ambitious but the boys are with him a fair bit without me and they always talk about missing me and they cling to me.

do think very long and hard before deciding to step back from your career. You will need it even more to ensure you have independence, and don't underestimate the self esteem that can be gained from being in a job, where you are valued for your contributions and getting paid for it! It gives you freedom. Your children will rise to the occasion and adapt to the fact you have to work. They will mature very quickly, as children do when confronted with a 'grown-up' situation like this.

Coparenting with a nasty person is really hideous- they use the kids to get at you- not returning favourite clothes, forgetting / refusing to administer meds etc.

I would suggest that all communication regarding the children be kept to one email account set aside for that purpose. Do not engage in any other discussion.

If you go to court to arrange the times when they will be with him/ with you/ where they will mostly live etc then you can get the drop off/ pick up arrangements written into the order. Same with arrangements for holidays / Christmas or anything you feel will be important down the line.

Send a “handover” email every time he picks them up with any info he needs to know about them. Expect the same from him, but don’t be surprised if he doesn’t bother.

Best wishes, and be prepared to have to go back to court if he decides to act unilaterally. xx

Well done for seeing it all so clearly. I think keep taking steps to get out. Can you go part time temporarily in your job then back up to full if needed later on? I’d look at all options in terms of what would be best when you split.

In the meantime, see friends, take the kids out by yourself, dream of the future and do whatever you can to boost your confidence and remember whatever he says is just him trying to tear you down. It’s in no way an accurate reflection of reality! You’re a capable and loving mother and woman and you’ve got this.

I wholeheartedly agree with pp. You felt good that week because he wasn't there. You were allowed to be you, the real you, and I bet that felt amazing. You could feel that way 24/7 for the rest of your life.

he just said "ah - you're prioritising that over family time on the last weekend of the summer then I guess?"
Look up DAVRO. Abusive, manipulative people use this technique to attack and confuse their victim.

Please start planning to leave before he breaks you too much.

@AgileGreenSeal yes, the co-parenting set up is v scary to me. I am confident i have the resolve to deal with the horrible messages or whatever - i've dealt with some shitty men before (pattern? a me problem?) but i worry about the kids a lot. and also as you say - so much needs discussion - schools, clubs, etc - so many joint decisions.

i can see how co-parenting can work really well when both parents put kids first. but it feels impossible with someone whos bitterness & rage is more important than his own kids. he has shown me that to be true on many occasions now. so it wil only get worse i guess.

When they are all he has got to try to hurt you with then sadly he might well do that. Just try to fight each battle as it comes and get as much as possible written into the order as it is the only thing you can do.

I’m the mother of someone who has exactly this problem and everything literally everything had to be thrashed out in court in repeated sessions and right now he is breaking the order with seeming impunity. It’s mentally and financially exhausting because yet again he will have to be taken back to court.

Sorry don’t mean to hijack your thread. Best wishes, OP xxx
try not to let him steal all your joy.
These men are pathetic.

Re co-parenting - about clubs /activities- if they are exclusively on “your days” you don’t need his consent nor do you need to inform him. You need his agreement for things like which school to attend etc.
xx