To find this H comment annoying

[Ginge88]

If I forget something or use the wrong plug or something, DH says loudly

"And the 356th way Ginge has fucked up today is...."

Or whatever number is in his head. Frustrating thing is I actually don't mess up things v much and it's him that needs reminders of everything

But yes if he notices says the milk is left out or something il hear him say "and Ginge succeeds in fucking up for the 455th time this week" and chuckling to himself

I've told him to stop. He tells me it's a joke. He does now do it less but he clearly thinks I'm being totally over sensitive

Am I?

Please use the 4 days he is away to get organised.
Reach out to family, friends, work, to help you during this time to see what your options are.

Could you get an au pair to live with you to help with the children if you can get him out.

You can do this.
Ring Women's aid for advice and look for good recommendations for legal representation.

You can do this.
You and your children can be free.

I hope everything goes as well as possible with the split. I know sometimes people try to work it out but for that to work, there has to be some respect and willingness to treat each other properly left. It sounds like he has given up and he’s being as cruel as he likes.

They are too young to realise but it is bad for your kids to see their mother being treated like this. There will be a positive in showing them that women should not just take abuse. If this was my sister telling me she was being treated like this I would want her to get out.

If you can find and arrange secretly for somewhere to go while he is away, that would be the time to leave. No confrontation as you’re going out the door then, because he won’t like you taking control.
You need a lawyer asap. A rental for short term any way till you can sort something else out.

He cares about them..not so sure about that. Not in the usual parental way.

He enjoys the manipulation and conditioning. He is abusing , gently but with the shouting , and I saw about him and them eating rice? alternating with times of affection with them as he does/ did with you. Abuse will escalate as they age into pre teen and teens and they’ll get shouted at, because that’s where he gets his kicks and the fun times to keep them on side and make them keep trying to please him, so they think the abuse is their fault and if they try harder, he will love them more and the fun will be all the time…which it never will. It’s a mind fuck and very damaging. They could grow up to just like him, because to them, it is normal. And he’s grooming them to treat others the same way. Not that they necessarily will. 2 of mine turned out well. Disliked him, saw through him eventually, but are still scarred
But it is how mine escalated with our boys.

He is abusive. There is no doubt. But I don't think he's trying to wreck things. He is deeply insecure and I'm his punching bag. Verbally at least. This morning I was making the kids breakfast and my son said "hurry mummy I'm hungey" and H said "mummy is slow boys" and they started shouting "slow mummy slow mummy". Again - a joke apparently. I know I'm making him sound like a wanker and he is one, but I pity him a lot of the time. I feel like that has made me stay or put up with it - this feeling he doesmt mean it or that he needs help.

I had to read your posts back a few times to double check this isn't my thread that I also have running here about a very similar situation.

I'm so sorry you're going through this too. I have come to accept my husband probably loves me very much AND it is also true that his own insecurities and neurodiversity cause him to behave in unacceptable and unsafe ways that cause the same abusive impact on me as traditional abuse. Thinking that both are true at the same time has helped me to make a plan for my future. I am someone that needs to acknowledge it isn't black or white or I get stuck and feel trapped. So I am slowly moving forward.

I dread the idea of 50:50 but ultimately hold hope it won't last long as he'd soon find it too triggering. He wouldn't want to be in situations that he can't handle appropriately 50% of the week, if nothing else it would cause huge inner shame, which he does anything (verbally attack me especially) to avoid.

The reason he upped the abuse is because you didn’t have sex with him. He’s deeply unpleasant- he’s damaging your children emotionally and he’s not a healthy man. He must really resent your abilities - to earn more than him, to be patient with the children and look after them lovingly.

Do you have real life support - it’s tough being a single working parent AND it’s better than what you’re putting up with. Yes you had a poor role model as a father and that has understandably impacted your relationship choices with men. He’s an abusive passive aggressive bully. It is not you - it’s HIM 🌺🌺keep posting for support - can you contact womens aid? He knows what he’s doing - he’s very jealous of you - yes he’s insecure AND there is no need to belittle and bully someone you are meant to Love - what would he do if you said “it’s not working for me?”

do not hesitate to call the police if he threatens you. Can you afford some counselling as that helped me feel stronger and gave me the strength to end the relationship - your May cry - may threaten suicide - promise to change etc - usual bullshit!!! There’s also a free book by Lundy Bancroft - why does he do that - about abusive controlling men,
I wish you well.

I spoke to Refuge. She said I shouldn't tell him I'm leaving but just go.

I asked about 5050 and she said "its his human right to see his children"

I wish I could see into the future!

I'm seriously thinking I need to work out away to step back from my career. I've always been ambitious but the boys are with him a fair bit without me and they always talk about missing me and they cling to me.

@Flittingaboutagain I'm so sorry you're going through this. Are you planning on leaving? How do you feel about it?

Don’t waste your pity. He makes a choice to be a monster. They get inside your head…why most women take them back at least once usually more, because we try to attribute normal emotions and feelings to them. They cry, we pity…the tears are crocodile tears, manipulative, switched on at will. They learn when they first meet you and seem to be so caring and interested, what buttons to push to get you back on side, to feel sorry for them . They play on your humanity , but they are truly monsters…and some are very dangerous when they think they are losing control of their victim. So keep your wits about you and don’t ever think of him as human. He means every word of nastiness..the bits he doesn’t mean are the soft words that drew you in, in the first place. That is the act, make no mistake. The honey to keep you in the trap

Refuge is right. These guys are most dangerous when they find out you are leaving. There are a lot of dead wives could attest to that and I’m sorry to sound so dramatic but it’s true. I’ve said it before, plan in secret and leave if you can while he is away those 4 days. Don’t tell him where you are going . With children , he will have to find out but don’t see him alone after you’ve gone. Handover children for visits in a public place or try to have someone with you.

https://www.businessinsider.com/how-to-leave-a-narcissist-in-14-steps-2018-10#dont-believe-they-will-change-2

You are correct about the shame . https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-narcissism/202204/5-harsh-truths-about-narcissistic-love#:~:text=When%20narcissists%20say%20%22I%20love,confused%2C%20exhausted%2C%20and%20heartbroken.

I wish he would just fuck off. If I'm honest I've felt like that for a long time. Sometimes if he's late back from something I find myself daydreaming that maybe he's done a runner..

Thanks for being supportive and patient. I will get there.

Reply loudly BORE OFF, or SNORE OFF or 'CHANGE THE BLOODY RECORD TREVOR YOU BORING BASTARD'

That should do it.

His human right? I'm not sure that's the correct way round - it's actually a child's right to see a parent and the court will start by looking at what is in the best interests of the child. They will start with the presumption that it's best for the child to have contact with both parents, but it has nothing to do with his rights.

This law blog is pretty useful and explains things well. https://www.familylawpartners.co.uk/blog/can-i-stop-my-ex-partner-having-contact

@Ginge88 oh, and well done for calling them. That was a huge step. Are you feeling more able to plan your escape now?

This sounds like how my ex husband was. He's desperate to be the best parent now so is always nice, the kids tell me but they remember how he used to shout at me.
The relief that he's not my husband any more is incredible.

@cloudyfox I am a bit. I feel cautious about "escaping" when he's away or out for the day as worry it will look like I'm kidnapping the kids! Refuge told me i needed to tell the police and social services before I did it but I don't feel I have evidence he's a threat to them. But I do absolutely that telling I'm leaving feels risky too. I will keep planning. He seems v frazzled with the kids at the moment. The younger one asked me instead of him and he stormed out the house saying "don't worry about me DS, I'll go" - shouting that to a 3 year old! He then left the hoose for bedtime.

Sorry for my dramatic numerous posts like night. I'd had a wine and was feeling sorry for myself.

Wow, trying to guilt trip a 3 year old? What a horror.

You're doing the right thing by leaving, for you, for your kids and for your boys future partners.

Keep strong 💪 ❤️

Sorry for my dramatic numerous posts like night. I'd had a wine and was feeling sorry for myself.

Vent away. You should also use this space as a journal so you can reread your posts if you ever have a wobble (or to see how far you have come).

But I do think you need to plan quicker and stronger. If he stormed out after DS asking you to do something then he is cracking, which is a dangerous time for you all. Do you have another person who can be there, either when you tell him or when you leave. A witness always seem to calm them down funnily enough.

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation, you sound incredible honestly - you do everything for your family. He must know at some level he’s a pathetic piece of work and he is desperate to grind you down so much you don’t wake up and get rid. It’s brilliant to see how you’re realising this now before you’re completely under and start believing his rubbish x

You have nothing to be sorry for, you can vent.

@Ginge88 I'm following your thread, you're a ⭐️

You should be recording when he is in ..a lot of times, you will delete a recording because it’s no help, but you will catch some of the conversations/ outbursts/ interactions. You can get tiny recorders like flash drives that record for several hours. You just press the start button and put it in a vase or behind an ornament on a shelf or somewhere. If you’re in a car, under the seat or the pocket on the back of one of the seats. You can check the recording when he is out by plugging into a computer . Domestics are always he said, she said, so help yourself. Collect evidence.
Do tell police and Social services. They have heard it before and have experienced it. There have been instances where historically, they didn’t take such things seriously and it ended badly so they should be willing to assist. And if you are helped by police or SS there won’t be any kidnapping. and even if you aren’t, you leave with the children when he is not there, or you might not get to leave at all. Worry about kidnapping later …kidding…you can leave a note saying you’ve gone and you’ll be in touch later.

This is so well put.