To find this H comment annoying

[Ginge88]

If I forget something or use the wrong plug or something, DH says loudly

"And the 356th way Ginge has fucked up today is...."

Or whatever number is in his head. Frustrating thing is I actually don't mess up things v much and it's him that needs reminders of everything

But yes if he notices says the milk is left out or something il hear him say "and Ginge succeeds in fucking up for the 455th time this week" and chuckling to himself

I've told him to stop. He tells me it's a joke. He does now do it less but he clearly thinks I'm being totally over sensitive

Am I?

He didn't make DS eat all the rice in the end. H just stops suddenly and then gave DS massive cuddles on the sofa which DS loved! It's not OK. DS is seeking his approval I can see.

Now my eyes have been opened it feels like the jokes or comments are continuous. Like tonight I made a comment about not liking a certain food anymore. And he just says "so you don't like it anymore. Anything else you've been faking all these years? You love to fake stuff don't you Ginge". All said with smile on his face. I know he's referring to me "faking" liking him as when I try to bring up things up that hes done he often flips it on me that I must have been faking loving him all this time.

I just don't react to any of this. And he says it all so smiley and too subtle for kids to really grasp it. But I know. Now I've started this thread it's knocking me back how often it is. These "jokes" that are messd up!

Behaviour like this his towards your son, one minute terrorising him over food, next minute cuddling him is designed to absolutely fxxk your child up emotionally.

Make no mistake about that.
Your child is being damaged.
He may not understand the words he uses to you, but he will absorb that tense atmosphere.
It's when he is older he will fully understand, when the damage has long been done.

Womans aid can help, they understand abuse in all it's forms.

It’s not jokes, he just sounds like a bastard, op.

Do you want this in 5 years time, 10 years… 20 years…

O my goodness, my ex used to do this - say provocative and insulting things when the children were around, knowing that I wouldn't respond because I didn't want the children upset. I had actually forgotten this! What total bastards some people are.

Please note the 'ex', ginge.

It’s very narcissistic behaviour. There is healthy narcissism….then there are people like your husband …and mine.
He will damage your child, but at the same time, turn the child against you. You need to get out and protect the child, too. Grey rock is good. He feeds off your reaction , delights in upsetting you. He is sick and cannot be helped because he will always feel he is right.
Jokes are only jokes when everyone finds them funny. He knows he’s not joking , but means every word. He’ll only say you have no sense of humour to put you in the wrong. He has no sense of humour. He is deliberately cruel. A basic link.

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/am-i-dating-a-narcissist

He's being a bastard again. Why since I posted this does it seem so much more obvious and constant?? DS scattered some toys and he shouted at youngest DS. And then i was comforting both DS (I'm WFH but could hear all the noise). He then started explaining to me how was this level of mess acceptable and when I said 'ok, let's not do this now' as both boys were crying sat on top of me, he started shouting 'Anything? Do you have anything to say at all? Nothing. As usual. Mute are you?'

How can he not see that I don't want to respond or argue if front of the kids. When he gets like that - it's like he doesnt' care what they hear or see. His anger or displeasure is more important than anything.

I won't bore you with every little thing....i do need advice though.

I'm meant to be going away with work in beg of Oct. For 3 days, 2 nights. I dont' feel I can tell him I want to split before then as I don't know what will happen - he might go AWOL, or i don't know. just my instincts are saying - don't tell him its over in Sep and then go away for 3 days - that feels like madness.

Is that right do you think? I'm half minded to tell work I can no longer go but god knows what I would say and they've already sorted my hotel etc so it would be a really bad thing.

He is perfectly capable of getting them to school and back for 3 days. He might be grumpy but it should be fine. But post-split, all my worst thoughts are coming up about how we might be.

Get the work thing out of the way.

Sort out what you need to sort out.

Ask him to fuck off, tell him its over, he needs to leave etc.

Yes he will go for 50/50, he might even attempt to go for full custody but he won't get it particularly as he is going to need to sort himself somewhere to live.

I doubt that with them being so young, he will manage the 'all the boys together Mummy is an arse' behaviour because it doesn't sound like he can maintain the disney dad thing long enough, they may not have a brilliant time with him but at least they will NOT get to see him being vile to you, shouting at you etc etc.

I think on the grounds that he might go for 50/50 to threaten you, it might be wise to not go.

Better to check with Women's aid what they think, get legal advice.

Perhaps then the advice would be to tell work that due to domestic abuse you are trying to end your marriage and are afraid of leaving the children with him.

You need advice to help you make the best decision.

Hard to argue against 50/50 if you have left them with him for work.

Follow your gut instinct regarding work. Use this time to plan. You will need plans a, b, c, d etc so make sure all bases are covered. Use this time to watch him carefully so you will know for certain it is over even if he cries, threatens suicide, promises to change blah blah, you will know the real him.

Quick question. If you were working and he was looking after the kids how is it your fault the toys/mess was everywhere? Have you ever turned it round and say "well, why didn't you tidy it up, they are your children too?"

@Goldcushions2 i'm worried generally with my work that arguing against 5050 is hard - as he can accurately argue that my job is more demanding in terms of hours. i can't see them not going for 5050 if he wants it. my best hope it that he soon realises he can't cope with 5050. Or of course he becomes a better dad when he doesn't have me in the picture. He really likes being a dad in many ways and he does care about them deeply - the contempt really is for me. maybe he will be better when i'm not in the room. if he's not - of course i will take action but he has a very 'responsible' career and there are no reports to his name so i don't know how i can persuade courts he's a danger to them when he doesnt' do anything other than shout in front of them.

Why since I posted this does it seem so much more obvious and constant??

Because you're seeing it for what it is; your eyes have been opened; his cloud is weakening and he will up his game for that reason alone.

How can he not see that I don't want to respond or argue if front of the kids. When he gets like that - it's like he doesnt' care what they hear or see. His anger or displeasure is more important than anything.

Precisely. He is the only important one. Everyone else is just someone to be used and abused.

I agree that asking WA about your work thing would be a very good idea. I think that leaving the children with him is risky, especially if you tell him you want to end the relationship before you go. I don't say that lightly.

god. i hate him. he's stretched out on the sofa and the two boys sat at one end. the boys saying 'come watch telly with us mummy' and i went to sit down and his legs are in the way and he wouldn't move them. i literally said 'can you move your legs' and he wouldn't move them, just kept looking at his phone. the boys don't seem to notice as they're absorbed with their programme but my god - it is contempt isn't it. he hates me. i don't know why, but he really reallly does.

i just couldn't sit down on my own sofa. i nearly sat on the floor next to the boys but realiesd what i was doing. i just went back to the kitchen table.

Yes he does ( been there, next will be him ‘accidentally’ kicking you as he moves his legs if you insist)

i definitely definitely won't split with him and then go to the work thing.

I will either wait it out unitl after the work thing. or i will work out a way not to go at all.

I'd cancel the work trip, unless you think it will affect your career, and focus on getting out of the relationship. He sounds awful.

You never noticed how bad it was before because it just became the norm, I was exactly the same with my soon to be ex husband. Ironically he left me after 25 years and it's only been since he's gone I realised how bad it actually had been at times.

@Ginge88 lots of hugs. It's actually quite frightening once you open your eyes and look at your relationship honestly, and I suspect that's why we keep them shut for as long as possible. To think that someone who supposedly loved us once could treat us like this.

If you can get out of the trip without impacting your work prospects then do so as you need to leave as soon as you can, otherwise go on it but don't tell him you are leaving until afterwards. Good luck - you've got this

@Ginge88 I think the advice to tell work you're planning to leave an abusive situation is good as it sounds like going away will not be the best thing to do at this point. Have you been able to contact WA or Refuge? If not, I think you need to prioritise that so they can help you.

I'd have sat on his fucking legs... but I suspect you're the better person for not doing so.
What a cunt.

I don't sit on the legs or tell him to clean up the mess because I don't want it to kick off in front of kids. And then once kids are in bed, I'm just so knackered and also it's pointless. Even in the odd times when he listens - nothing changes and most of the time he tells me im talking "literal bullshit" (is his exact phrase!)

I'm so fed up. I was trying to get him to the gym just so he'd be out the house. He's going away for 4 days at the end of the month and I can't wait.

Thanks for ppl keeping posting. I was thinking one day soon I'll come baxk here and say I've done it and he's out! Seems like a long way off. I don't think he'll leave but maybe he's desperate to get away from me. He certainly acts like it.

Keep posting for support when you need it Ginge. There's a great group of women on here who'll keep you right ❤️

Please be careful and work on getting your ducks in a row before telling him your plans.
In the meantime grey rock his shitty comments, leave the room if he tries to insult you, pretend you haven't heard him. Practice quiet quitting, don't do those nice things you might have done for him before the scales fell from your eyes. Keep doing the things that make you happy, hold your boys close and show them all the love you have for them.
Good luck and take your time. There are some inspiring threads on here about life after divorce and stories from brave women who are thriving after leaving abusive relationships.

misogyny…that’s a sign . Don’t take it personally. He just hates women and it’s contempt, too. He would be the same with any woman he ends up with.

As well as swapping between the person you want him to be and the person he is.
Shame you can’t have a camera, like they have nanny cams with SD card in the living room or somewhere to keep an eye on how he is with the children, if you are away. If he does his abusive stuff, it might be good evidence for the court. I’d certainly be recording his abusive times when I was home , if it were me. I had a recording flash drive under the couch ..wasn’t good if the tv was on but other times it caught enough sound to prove I was not lying and he was. Or I’d have my phone recording.