Someone’s been in my bedroom

[Hakunamatoto]

This isn’t really an AIBU but I didn’t know where to put it. Sorry.

Just back from a long weekend away tonight. Kids are on holiday with my ex-DH so the house was empty. Neighbour had a key to feed the cat.

Someone’s been in my bedroom. The bed has clearly been sat on, and there are things out of place in my bedside drawer, my knicker drawer and my desk.

I’m absolutely mortified and feel violated. There are things in my drawers that are extremely private. I don’t know what to do. Nothing is missing that I can see (there was a £50 in cash in the drawer by my bed so that would’ve been easily visible). The only other person with a key to my house is my mum (and ex-DU but he is abroad with DCs). Neighbour is more of a friend than just a neighbour. I’m trying to think of an innocent explanation or rationalising it as just cheeky nosiness. But the thought of someone rifling through my private things is horrible.

I took the advice of previous posters (sorry, there are a lot of replies so I can’t see who it was) and texted neighbour trying to subtly ask if I only had her to thank for feeding the cat, or her DH too. It turns out that I have them both to thank.

It was the DH wasn’t it? I suspect so, but I haven’t done anything as I have no proof that it was him or what he did. I’ll get a lock for the bedroom door but beyond that I don’t think there’s much more to do.

It’s so icky but worse than that. After a couple of days I’m just sad. I don’t care much now that he might have seen my boring vibrator or the box of (probably out of date, cobwebbed) condoms at the back of the bedside drawer. I was embarrassed the other night when I got home, but half the women in England probably have the same thing. We certainly all have knickers. What was he expecting to find, the sad little loser? Whatever cheeky little private grin he has in the back of his mind when he next sees me knowing that (shock) I own some pants will be beaten by my own knowledge that he’s an inadequate little perv.

I am however really bothered that he’s seen things that are just mine. Financial stuff, photos of my dead dad, memory stuff. What a horrible thing to have done, to have intruded on that. Twat. I’ll get over it. There’s nothing I’m ashamed of, and it’s not messed me up too much. But what a knob.

I've experienced this with a family member OP. I feel your pain.

@Hakunamatoto it is his shame, not yours. Take control of it. Own it. Everytime you see him don’t avert your eyes in embarrassment - give him a hard stare. Make him embarrassed. Not you. He’ll be mortified and feel small for the rest of his life.

I knew it would be. Disgusting man. I strongly urge you to change your locks and find a different cat sitter. Please never let this man enter your home again.

You're being very courageous here. I don't think I'd be able to stop myself from messaging back "I thought as much, your perverted husband is never to set foot in my home again. You can tell him I've reported him to the police."

I actually would report this via the online form to your local police. I know there's no concrete proof, but men like these often go on to more serious things, take flashers for example, they are known to eventually go on to become rapists etc. This man is utterly disgusting, and I think you should report this violation. You consented for your female neighbour to feed your cat, you did not consent to her husband rifling through your underwear and dildo drawer and doing fuck knows what sat on your bed. Dirty, disgusting pervert.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

ETA: I'd be binning the vibrator and buying a new one. Just for my own privacy and knowledge. You never know, the police may take it seriously and come out to fingerprint...sometimes the police do actually action things we think they wouldn't.

Oh dear.

Could it still be the kids messing about though? I understand how you feel so violated, especially if it’s the husband for pervy reasons. But, if it’s the kids, would you feel better?

How good a friend is your female neighbour? Could you have a coffee with her in a couple of weeks and just be honest with her, i.e. you hate to bring it up, but it’s creeped you out to see someones’s been rooting in the bedroom so you just had to ask. Maybe she’ll say sorry the kids went in there, or fess up she did (if she’s honest), or clearly lie, or perhaps she suspects her husband’s a perv and it’ll help her to know.

Instinct can be wrong. But it shouldn’t be ignored. Reading your posts, it looks like you’ve had a gut instinct something’s properly off.

We’re all different. If it helps to get another perspective, I wouldn’t notice if someone had snooped around - drawers not that tidy! And even if I did think they had, I wouldn’t give a damn if they’d seen my stuff, unless it’s to rob me or something. Their problem, not mine. But I’d want to know how honest they were to know if I could trust them. That’s why I’d ask directly if it bothers you and see how they respond. Nothing for you to be embarrassed about. The stuff you have’s to be expected in a bedroom drawer.

But, if I found out/deduced it was a pervy man, I’d think what a sad fecker, give him a wide berth and change the lock barrel to know for sure who’s got a key.

I urge you to change the front door lock, he could well have made a copy of the key he was using. He already can't be trusted,don't presume he has any morals whatsoever.

You could reply to your neighbour. "That explains it...someone has rifled through your bedroom drawers"

A slight aside but could save some MNetters some cash, you can usually get levers changed in an existing lock, which means it needs new/different keys, but cheaper than a whole lock being changed.

She wont. She will just sit there and seethe.

As is my right, because it’s my life and you know nothing about it.

But thanks for your help.

I would find it difficult not to say something. I'd want him to know I knew. Though I understand it might make it awkward for you. Your neighbour will likely want to know why you're not leaving your keys with her next time.

Please don’t ask them again. There are plenty of reputable cat sitters.

It is a horrible thing, to think someone has done that, I know.

But I think if you take precautions like changing the outside locks, putting a lock on the bedroom door, waving smouldering sage about 😅or whatever else you need to do; that maybe you should try to draw a line under what might have happened as one could come up with worse and worse scenarios, which could continue to upset you, when ultimately, you don't know the full extent. (Although I know that is part of what is annoying.)

I going forward couldn't trust the neighbour with the keys again and I'd avoid her DP like the plague. I don't know the answer to whether you should say something to her or not, only you know her and how she would take it.

Ergh, what an update. I would check to see if all your knickers are still there...
Gross.

If I was ever to look, the meticulously organized drawers would really freak me out.
Gently rolled white and pastel hued knickers, colour coded and neatly butted together - like an intro to the American Psycho.
I take one look... And they know what I've done. The worst is, I know that they know... I wish I could turn back the time and never cross them but it's too late now.
Time to round up the kids and flee.

Never trust anyone with neat drawers.
😂

@Hakunamatoto
I understand how you feel.
Same as I did after a burglary.

I got over the stolen items much quicker than that feeling...

Oh OP how shit :(

I've had your thread on my watchlist as I too thought it was the husband.

You've handled really well so far. I have to laugh at the posters saying they'd have it out with the husband or tell the wife!

As if!! They will just deny, deny, deny!!

Also wife will NEVER believe you. She suspect you're just some single woman looking for an opportunity to cause trouble and steal her absolute prize of a husband.

You only need to read a few threads on here to see what women let themselves believe.

Yup just carry on doing what you're doing. But agree with PPs don't let the fucker in your house and if you do bump into him give him long knowing Paddington stare.

On a side note OP, I really would ditch the vibrator and buy a new one. I don't want to make you sick from some of the stories I've heard about what "some" men do. But def bin the vibrator and wash your underwear.

And you live and learn - lock on bedroom door when you're next away and def don't get neighbour to feed cat!!

Next time you go away, leave a post it note on your vibrator saying "If you're going to borrow this again, please make sure you clean it afterwards this time".

Could the car have gotten into your bedroom?

Cat not car!

How absolutely unacceptable! I'd be fuming and while I am also not one for causing tension I would definitely reply to your friend and say 'oh god I'd noticed someone had been in my bedroom drawers which is why I was wondering if anyone other than you had been in so please say it was you!' as then she'll either have to confess to being a nosey shit or knowing her husband is a creepy perv and then it's her problem to sort.

@QueenCamilla - My knickers aren’t colour coded! I’m not that much of a freak! Ha! Although now that you’ve given me the idea… 😊

@altmember To be honest the vibrator is probably going in the bin!

@Hakunamatoto Im really sorry this has happened to you. Its a huge invasion of privacy and i imagine you feel violated to some degree.

Whilst there is no concrete evidence it is your neighbours DH that has done this I would think carefully about your next more.

By all means say nothing and avoid him, never use them again. The other option is set a trap to him confessing.

For example, you could say that you had noticed some things out of place when you got back, didnt think anything of it but you cant find something things now and think you may have been burgled and are going to contact the police. Mention (some made up things) like a couple of things in the living room being moved, then also mention you noticed when you got back your bedroom had been disturbed and some draws gone through. Don't accuse just say what happened, then say you are contacting the police as you think you may have been burgled so you want to be sure no one else had access.

You will be telling your neighbour what her DH has done without actually telling her whilst she thinks the police maybe involved she will give him an absolute rocket up his ass and he will likely confess.

Thats what i would do anyway.

Next time I seen him I would just say
I understand you came into my home to see to the cat
And just give him a hard stare. Wait for his reply.
Dirty snoopy little git. Ughh.

You've handled really well so far. I have to laugh at the posters saying they'd have it out with the husband or tell the wife!

As if!! They will just deny, deny, deny!!

Also wife will NEVER believe you. She suspect you're just some single woman looking for an opportunity to cause trouble and steal her absolute prize of a husband.

This.

I'd just avoid them as much as possible - get rid of items and come up with reason to use someone else or cat sitting service - we found a very professional one - and lock boxes/fire proof case/lockable filing cabinets/bed room door lock consider.

My IL had world most incompetent bulger - left most of items at bottom of garden fence - or were retrieve as the police quickly caught him. MIL said it was the violation of privacy and the ickyness of that she struggled with long after. Doing things like getting rid of underwear despite there being no weirdness indicated and getting a house alarm - helped felling she/they were doing something proactive.