AIBU to not want my DH to know where I am and what I'm doing at all times?

[Izzosaura]

This is inspired by the recent thread about people who are on tracking apps with their partners. My DH has no interest in us being on a tracking app and nor do I so this isn't a practical question so much as a theoretical one.

During the tracking discussion, I found myself having really strong negative feelings about being tracked but found it difficult to justify these rationally. As a few people put it, why worry if you have nothing hide? So I went away and analysed why I was so hostile, and I realised that apart from my wider worries about tracking (the danger of it not being truly voluntary due to pressure to agree to it; the potential for coercive control; a dislike of a world where people don't have to make the conscious choice to commuicate but just expect others to know their movements and fulfil their needs)... there actually ARE things that I want to hide from DH.

These are the exapmples I can think of from the last few months:

• I'm working to lose weight at the moment and have had considerable success, but a few weeks ago I had an appointment cancellation that unexpectedly gave me a spare half hour for lunch at work and gave in to a craving to go to a local chippy. I was embarrassed about breaking my diet and wouldn't have wanted my DH to know I'd been there. He would have been fine with it and wouldn't have seen it as his business to judge but he'd likely have made a joke about it and I wanted to avoid that.
• Last week I was meant to be out on a work visit about an hour away but it got rescheduled so I ended up spending the morning working from home unexpectedly. I didn't tell DH as knew that he'd then have expected me to do some tidying round the house - something he always does when working from home. But I had deadlines to meet and didn't want to do anything other than sit on my laptop. I therefore didn't mention the change in my schedule to him.
• About 3 months ago I was meant to be meeting up with a friend for a country walk and my DH agreed to look after our daughter whilst I did this. My friend met me but needed to leave earlier than we'd planned so we did a shortened version of the walk. Rather than rushing home, I enjoyed an hour to myself going round some nearby shops. I didn't tell my DH because although he'd have been cool with it, I felt guilty.

If my DH and I tracked one another, these omissions / white lies on my part would have been busted. I suppose I like to continue to be free to do this sort of thing once in a while. I'm also fine with the idea of him doing things he doesn't tell me about that are of a similar nature.

Some would perhaps say that this is the sort of dishonesty that breaks relationships and is a sign that our marriage is doomed... so am I being unreasonable to think that this sort of thing is fine or not?

YABU - These things shouldn't be hidden from your DH and you should be totally honest with him about where you are at all times.

YANBU - It's fine not to share these sorts of things with your DH; it's ok for married people to keep some things from one another.

I'm almost paranoid about being honest, but I'd hate it if DH could know where I was every second of every day (he's not interested in knowing, fortunately). I'd just feel spied upon, which is possibly a hangover from my upbringing with a father who was hot on coercive control. I can't be the only one with that sort of mindset.

You’re entitled to privacy and autonomy @Izzosaura

What concerns me in your post is the guilt you feel about slipping from your impossibly high standards. I think it’s important to resist the urge to lie, not for any moral reason, but because you being you is not something to be ashamed of or cover up.

I relate strongly to your op, but I know some of my feelings are rooted in a childhood with a very controlling parent. Secrecy was a survival trait. I still have to work quite hard to feel confident and relaxed in my own skin. so I’m probably projecting!

That’s not a pro tracking argument btw.

That’s 100% fine, but no one should be judging or looking down on couples who choose to use it for whatever innocuous reasons that they do.

DH and I don’t use tracking, FYI, so I’m not not defending it for that reason.

Its a bit like Marmite.
some people hate it others just arn't bothered

There is no right or wrong unless you are being tracked against your will.

Replacing normal adult communication by "tracking" is just.. weird.

The constant need to know where the others are is unhealthy.

What’s weird is feeling the need to exaggerate and distort how people use a technology just so that you can condemn it.

i can say with confidence that most people who have tracking enabled are using it occasionally and for specific reasons rather than feeling a “constant need to know where the others are”. So if that’s your genuine concern about it, you can unclench.

We are both on each others find my friends, I don’t look at at it constantly but check in on his commute when working further away to see how long he will be.

I don’t even even remember when/why we added it, we have had it for years. I don’t feel “stalked” or that I have to hide anything. We both travel abroad for work sometimes so it’s nice to just see they’ve arrive at hotel etc as sometimes we can forget to text if lots going on.

As OP said there are times were I will pop to the shops or sometimes I take the long way home on a drive so I can finish a podcast etc, but I would just let DH know. “Be home a little later, taking the long way” etc. I wouldn’t lie about it, nor would I feel the need to.

I don’t look at at the app daily or even weeekly. I only look when necessary and we’ve said, I’ll just check where you are etc. also my son likes to see where daddy is on the drive home sometimes so we get it up so he can see how far away he is.

I’ve never thought of it as sinister, it works for us. I understand why some people don’t want it.

We have find my iPhone enabled so that we can see where members of our family are, if we need to. It's really handy for checking where are the teenagers are and what time they’ll probably need a lift home, and to see whether to eat before DH comes home from work (1-2 hour commute, taking work calls so I wouldn't be able to phone him while he travels) or how long he'll be out on his bike for etc.

Calling it a tracking app suggests that you would use it to watch someone moving around, whereas we might use it once a day or less to check someone’s whereabouts because it's incredibly convenient and helps planning. We’re a large family with teenagers who range far and wide so it's helpful to be able to assess whether to go ahead and eat a meal without wondering if the third child will appear 20 minutes later.

I can't imagine being suspicious of DH’s motives for checking on me, or feeling defensive about anything that I get up to. I don't think DH what take the piss out of anything I do, and if he did, we would have words about it! I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone I felt who was judging me.

We will offer the kids freedom from the findmyiphone app when they are no longer minors. Our oldest has already said he expects to stay on it. They all track their friends on Snapchat etc anyway so I don't think it feels as intrusive to them as it would have to me if my parents had been able to see where I was as a teenager.

you can't have it both ways, either it's there or it's not. You want the ability to check where the others are at any time, I am not saying that you do check every second of every day, but you could. There's no exaggeration there, instead of letting the other one TELL you where / when, you want the possibility to check by yourself.

Yes, I find this horribly unhealthy and frankly weird. You justify your "specific reasons" as you please, but unless you activate the tracker for these very specific reasons only, then it's always there. That need is creepy

But would you have been busted in those examples, with real time sharing he would have to have been checking at that precise moment.

We have google location sharing and share google location. DH wfh and will regularly say hes gone somewhere at lunch or new things will appear in the fridge and I am none the wiser. The only time I check is when he is out on the motorbike or halfway up a mountain.

We don't track , but if it became a thing it wouldn't bother me either because I honestly don't care. We had some attempt at life 360 because I check DD every now and then but that's about it. I rarely bother to even check DD now that this gallivanting one her own isn't a new thing anymore.

It does come down to "something to hide " for you. Even if it's little things. For some reason you do feel guilty/ashamed so you want to keep that away from him. Fair enough, so no need to try and make it into something else. Maybe you should work on that , not so that you're ok with tracking, but so that you can actually enjoy yourself without the guilt attached to it.

Yep I could check my partner’s whereabouts any second of the day but I don’t and I doubt he ever checks mine randomly (but wouldn’t care if he did). He can’t be faffed turning tracking on and off for when he’s on the bus and knows I like to keep an eye so I can leave to pick him up at the right time.

I can’t be faffed calling/messaging him to check where he is in the journey and interrupting his podcast or video he’s watching - easier to just glance at the tracker and know.

We trust each other and are totally comfortable with it/barely think about it so it’s odd that you are so desperate to describe such an ordinary part of life as “very unhealthy” “weird” and “creepy”.

Different strokes for different folks! You do know that people have different communication styles? I don’t want to be called if all they are going to ask is ‘where are you?’! I don’t find it creepy at all. You do know that you can remove yourself from these apps? In what way is it creepy that I allowed DH access to see where I am? Or vice versa? I wonder if you’re projecting your own fears of creepy intentions into other people’s lives where it’s not relevant!

I do agree it would be pretty weird if someone installed a tracker on my phone without my knowledge though. In which case, the problem is with that person and not the tracking app!

I can understand the reasons for having these apps, and that it works for some couple or families. It's not for me, I feel it's an invasion of privacy. And I wonder if this kind of thing fosters paranoia and anxiety, in the same way that SM does.

For those that those that have Find My Friend or similar with your partner or family members, what would your reaction be if a teenage child or your DH/P removed the app because they no longer wanted it? Would you be okay with it?

I wouldn’t think bad of those that do have these tracking apps as long as it isn’t for the wrong reasons.

I knew a colleague who had her DH on the tracking app and she said it’s because he has a long commute and can’t text due to driving, he doesn’t get home at the same time every day so she’ll check it to see how far he is so she knows when he will be home to get dinner ready etc - fair enough.

If someone told me they didn’t trust their partner so checked their whereabouts, that would be wrong imo.

For me personally I wouldn’t want to be on the tracking app and we have no reason to.

I don't think your issue is really being tracked or not.. many married couples have it for non nefarious reasons.
The problem is that you feel ashamed of your actions, though I can't understand why - unless your husband is controlling to this level and then of course you have an issue with your husband.
You shouldn't need to lie or hide these things because they aren't shameful or even unusual.
Consider how this conversations would go:
'Hello, how was your walk with friend'
'Good thanks, she wasn't up for a long walk so I popped into the shops afterwards'
What would your husbands response be? Is the fear of this what makes you lie/hide or would he be fine with it and you just feel like you shouldn't have done it because of your own personal concerns? Would you have been annoyed if it was the other way round?

I only use the tracking on my husband when he's commuting a long way home, yes I might know roughly when he left as he lets me know, but if he's not home when I might have expected, then traffic might be particularly bad but he can't text to tell me whilst driving so I just check the tracking to see how far away he is - usually because I'm planning dinner and want to know whether to wait a bit longer so it doesn't go cold etc.
But originally we put the tracking on my phone because I kept leaving it lying around and my toddler would move it so I couldn't find it! It's always on silent so it was a hunt for it - now I can use my husbands phone to track & ping it so it beeps and I can find it lol

We used to do it all the time but after lockdown I felt like he was tracking me too much (probably the leftover feeling of being trapped when I couldn't live my life how I wanted because we weren't allowed) so I stopped.

I set it up now for long journeys if I'm on my own or for runs where it's a bit more remote so I'm easily found if I am injured. He does the same and I don't think either of us have noticed any difference, it isn't necessary to know where each other is 24/7.

I wouldn't ever agree to tracking. There just isn't any need now we have mobile phones and our car can send text messages hands free. I always carry ID with my address on it and my phone has emergency details accessible without unlocking, so if I was incapacitated then someone would contact DH.

I don't think the examples you gave of things you want to hide are that bad. Ideally you'd address the issues with your husband (eg him not respecting your WFH time, his making jokes about sensitive topics) but it's not the end of the world.

It would never occur to either of us to want to check up on the other's whereabouts.

This is exactly what I really don't like. What if your dd was somewhere you consider dangerous? What if she wanted to lie about it? I really think it should be within an adult's ability to be able to do that. It's sort of important, from an autonomy/free will point of view. She might think oh well I'm only ever in lidl or whatever, what does it matter. But if she suddenly turned it off you'd worry.

My ex bil used to track my sister's phone all day every day.
The hardest things were some of the things you mentioned. Being quizzed on why she had lunch at X place or y finished early so why did you come home straight away. It was part of a package of controling behaviour.
I wouldn't let anyone have access to tracking on my phone.

Nobody's entitled to know your whereabouts.

This
At 18 I was having a hard time with an eating disorder and depression. My relationship with my mum was broken and she was bordering on abusive and a negative impact on my mental health.
I, with the support of school, got myself a referral to camhs and the eating disorder team and had weekly therapy with a psychiatrist and support from the ED team. There was enough fear that I would be seen in the hospital and my parents finding out so i waited until the day after i turned 18 to reach out for help. If I knew she had been able to see my location on my phone I wouldn't have felt safe reaching out for support and I would have been in a much worse state and my life would have been at risk as a result.

My mum is of the opinion that mother knows best and it is far from the truth.

I wouldn't be bothered about being tracked at all by OH if it was just useful to know where the other person was. I'm confident in my autonomy and i don't feel the need to have to hide who I am or what I do. If i wanted to go to the chippy I'd just tell him, if I wanted to spend an extra hour out while he was with our child I'd just phone and let him know.

Feeling you have to keep secrets like this comes from low self esteem IMO, that's what I'd be focussing on OP.

It's the mundane lies I think you should be able to do without needing to explain yourself. Like you've just texted that you are on your way home because you know your husband is struggling with the baby, but then a colleague stops you and asks if you have time for a coffee and you know it's selfish but you decide you can hang on a bit and tell your husband you missed the train or something. Yes it's selfish, yes you didn't really have a good reason to prioritise your wants over your responsibility as a partner and parent, but fuck it it's between you and your conscience and no one should be able to say "hang on I thought she'd be home now, I'll just look up and see if she's had an accident on the way home, oh look she's in Starbucks wtf". That kind of accountability is just too much, and isn't outweighed by the convenience factors imo.

The answer isn't well your dh shouldn't be controlling about your movements and should accept your right to sack them off for a bunch more work emails/chat with a friend/ browse around the shops. Obviously they'd have a right to be annoyed if they knew that's what you're doing. But they don't really have a right to know imo. Perhaps I'm a bitch. But I don't expect that level of accountability towards me either.