AIBU to not want my DH to know where I am and what I'm doing at all times?

[Izzosaura]

This is inspired by the recent thread about people who are on tracking apps with their partners. My DH has no interest in us being on a tracking app and nor do I so this isn't a practical question so much as a theoretical one.

During the tracking discussion, I found myself having really strong negative feelings about being tracked but found it difficult to justify these rationally. As a few people put it, why worry if you have nothing hide? So I went away and analysed why I was so hostile, and I realised that apart from my wider worries about tracking (the danger of it not being truly voluntary due to pressure to agree to it; the potential for coercive control; a dislike of a world where people don't have to make the conscious choice to commuicate but just expect others to know their movements and fulfil their needs)... there actually ARE things that I want to hide from DH.

These are the exapmples I can think of from the last few months:

• I'm working to lose weight at the moment and have had considerable success, but a few weeks ago I had an appointment cancellation that unexpectedly gave me a spare half hour for lunch at work and gave in to a craving to go to a local chippy. I was embarrassed about breaking my diet and wouldn't have wanted my DH to know I'd been there. He would have been fine with it and wouldn't have seen it as his business to judge but he'd likely have made a joke about it and I wanted to avoid that.
• Last week I was meant to be out on a work visit about an hour away but it got rescheduled so I ended up spending the morning working from home unexpectedly. I didn't tell DH as knew that he'd then have expected me to do some tidying round the house - something he always does when working from home. But I had deadlines to meet and didn't want to do anything other than sit on my laptop. I therefore didn't mention the change in my schedule to him.
• About 3 months ago I was meant to be meeting up with a friend for a country walk and my DH agreed to look after our daughter whilst I did this. My friend met me but needed to leave earlier than we'd planned so we did a shortened version of the walk. Rather than rushing home, I enjoyed an hour to myself going round some nearby shops. I didn't tell my DH because although he'd have been cool with it, I felt guilty.

If my DH and I tracked one another, these omissions / white lies on my part would have been busted. I suppose I like to continue to be free to do this sort of thing once in a while. I'm also fine with the idea of him doing things he doesn't tell me about that are of a similar nature.

Some would perhaps say that this is the sort of dishonesty that breaks relationships and is a sign that our marriage is doomed... so am I being unreasonable to think that this sort of thing is fine or not?

YABU - These things shouldn't be hidden from your DH and you should be totally honest with him about where you are at all times.

YANBU - It's fine not to share these sorts of things with your DH; it's ok for married people to keep some things from one another.

The idea of being tracked like this makes me feel irrationally hostile, and I’ve bugger all to hide.

you might not.

Expect a lot of threads on MN "my partner/DH doesn't want to put a tracker on his phone, he must be hiding something and cheating, should I divorce him immediately?"

Not my problem. I'd say don't be with someone you don't trust but ultimately, I don't care.

YANBU. I think all this tracking is awful. The idea that it would help in an emergency is largely bollocks.

I don’t know or care where DH is when he’s out of the house, nor does he with me. Won’t be tracking my child, either. Everyone is entitled to a private life, as far as I’m concerned.

theres no way i would allow anyone to use a tracking app on me! my DH is told where i am (if i remember to tell him) and DH's routine is so boring he doesn't need to tell me where he is.

my sister once told me that all her adult children and their teenage children all have tracking apps and that she keeps an eye on them, she told me that our other sister also had the app and she asked me if i would download it for her.. i just laughed and told her politely to go away... there's something a bit sinister about needing to know where someone is 24 hrs a day

Whatever, you know you’re being tracked anyway, the app only lets you and your family get access to what a bunch of strangers already get.

”If your iPhone is in airplane mode, it cannot be located using Find My. This means that if you lose your phone or it gets stolen, you won’t be able to track it using this feature. Unfortunately, there are no workarounds for this limitation.”

My iPhone must be broken then. It is currently in aeroplane mode. I can see its location using “Find My” on other Apple and Windows devices

It will be interesting to see if others can see it too.

No, no, - ref the first quote that explains that while YOU can see YOUR phones location due to GPS, other people in your FindMy cannot see YOU via FindMy when YOUR phone is in airplane mode.

The “others” that can still see you, can do so via OTHER tracking methods used by governments, Apple, and anyone with access to any Bluetooth devices or transponders around you.

I can see its location using “Find My” on other Apple and Windows devices

Your devices are all paired via Bluetooth, so your other devices are tracking using Bluetooth, not the internet. That isn’t the case with the people in your FindMy that you are sharing your location with.

Absolutely that. Every one of you who think it's normal and harmless, are arming someone else's controlling partner. "You don't want to put a tracker on your phone? But everyone else does. It's normal. What have you got to hide?"

Oh bollocks. None of the people who are content being tracked are saying everyone has to be comfortable with it. But the people who aren’t comfortable with it seem determined that other people are weirdos who should refuse to participate.

Who is actually showing controlling tendencies here, lol?

You don't need to justify yourself.
I have zero to hide, I'd be seriously boring to track as all I ever usually do is go to the local shop and work lol.
I'd still hate it though!
I value my freedom.
Just like I don't need to know exactly where DH is every minute of the day either.

Yeah, not tracking my teen either.
Can only imagine how I'd have felt if tracking devices were a thing when I was one and my Mum and Dad had insisted on one for me!

I don't mind trackers, because they have their uses. If you want to start watching me on an app, that's your issue, as I'm not in the business of explaining my whereabouts to stalkers.

I also know I couldn't be in a relationship with many MNs as I don't share passcodes, don't answer people's phones, no-one answers mine, no-one gets anything from my handbag even with permission, I don't share my best friends' secrets or any of the other things I read here.

My relationships operate on trust, so none of these things work for me and personal space is hugely important to me.

Surely sensible people will reply to this extreme hypothetical thread by saying “Not wanting to turn on tracking isn’t a sign of cheating in itself, so insisting on tracking him when he doesn’t want to be tracked is controlling. If you have other reasons to suspect your DH is cheating, focus on those. If you don’t have any other reasons to believe your DH is cheating, you sound paranoid.”

You assume if you are tracking each other, you do so 24/7. I check on my DH only on certain circumstances like if I’m waiting for him to bring certain groceries for me to make dinner, I check to see how far he is; if he’s away for work and I’m about to go to sleep, check if he’s anywhere close to his hotel so I can call him instead of interrupting a meeting/ networking or do I go to sleep and we speak next days etc. I have zero interest to know where he is at ALL times or what he’s doing there.

It’s always interesting how people in weird relationships dynamics can’t imagine that there can be normal ones. If I have to justify having an extra hour to myself to a partner or I can’t break my diet plan whenever and tell my partner about it without judgement then sorry that’s not a relationship I want to be in and the problem here is not the tracking app but the person.
I have find my iPhone with my husband and I can categorically say the only time I used it was over 3 years ago to help him find his iPhone . I’m so sure he does not use his own either. If he has to use it as a monitor then that’s not a person I want to be with and if you’re in that sort of relationship, don’t get such an app and also get out of that relationship.
We have the same passcode for all personal phones in the house and I can’t remember ever checking my husbands phone to read his message, I took pictures on it tonight for example and I airdropped it to my phone and that’s what I ever use it for. He won’t ever think of looking at my messages, if he picked my phone, I don’t care what’s on it or what he sees, thats not the kind of relationship we have and not one I ever want to be in.

You're contradicting yourself.
Personal space apparently important to you but you have no qualms with someone fitting you with a personal tracker.

someone fitting you with a personal tracker.

lol hysteria much?

”Someone” hasn’t fitted her with a tracker, she’s just voluntarily sharing her location with someone she trusts not to have a sinister use for the information. She can literally switch it off any time if she so chooses.

Not sharing passcodes is just good personal security and not wanting other people to go through your bag or answer your phone is completely different to specifically deciding you trust one or more people to be able to access your location if need be.

That's literally what it is though?
Doesn't mean fitting it under your skin or something ☀️
Just you're happy with someone tracking your every move if they want, and happily handing them the device to do it.
Not everyone's the same and see that as an invasion of privacy.

I don't care what other couples do, and I don't see why anyone should, really. Do what works for you and leave it at that.

DH and I don't use that sort of tracking app, but if I remember, I may mention it to him, because I can see how it might be useful. We wouldn't obsessively track one another's every move, but there might be times when it could be helpful.

We do have one another's fingerprints saved so we can each unlock the other's phone in an emergency, and he knows the code to unlock my laptop. We never swap phones to check up on one another, but if I needed to use his phone in an unusual situation with him not there (or if he needed to use mine), I think it would be annoying, inconvenient, and actually stupid to be unable to unlock it. We share just about everything else, so why not codes? If others don't want to, that's their business, but this works for us, and there's nothing wrong with that.

My husband and I share tracking information.

He's visually impaired, but goes out independently.

I have tracking in case he gets stuck and needs help.

Are you suggesting I wobble my head for asking to track him?

I've never used it. But should I need to, I will.

Someone isn’t “doing it to you” though are they. You are just happily sharing something with them that you are comfortable sharing.

I mean, yeah, I’m happy with my partner “tracking my every move” if he really wants to, as I’m not going anywhere or doing anything that I’d be uncomfortable with him knowing about. Quite frankly, he has many better things to do with his time than track my every move (a full time job for starters), so it’s not something that weighs on my mind at all.

We have Life360 for the whole family and find it really useful.

1. I wouldn’t care about my dh knowing any of those things

2. neither of us have time to look at it during the day and just dip into it at the times we find it useful

3)you can switch it off and on at any time

4. teens are all used to it as are on Snap

5. we aren’t in the kind of relationship that is interested in knowing what each other are doing at all times during the day

Scrutinising what others use tech wise is a bit odd. We don’t have Alexa but if others find it useful I’m not going to waste time worrying about it. Ditto other people’s relationships.

I swear this has been asked/answered before but maybe I dreamt it.

Anywho, we have Life360 as a family (me and DH) and then the larger family group (MIL, FIL, SIL, DH, me). Neighbors/friends have it with their kids too.

Random examples of how either I've used it or friends use it for their family:

• I was driving somewhere over 6 hours away with our then 18 month old and DH wanted to be able to check we were okay and come to us if needed
• SIL's car broke down and we were able to navigate to her exact location to pick her up. I drove my car so she could borrow it, FIL drove his truck to tow her car, and DH bought his car for me to take instead. We were able to monitor where each other was during this process instead of calls/texting (much safer than texting/calling while driving).
• When we went to Australia my sister installed it on her phone so she could see where we were, when the plane landed etc.(it actually sent her "X has landed safely" alerts)
• In-laws just went on an extended motorcycle vacation (we're talking 12+ hours away). We were looking after their house (and pets) while they were gone so we were able to check how far out they were. They also had us set to pick them up if something happened to their motorcycles so we'd be able to navigate straight to them.
• Alerts are helpful for kids leaving school/arriving at home, arriving at school/leaving home
• I used to work a lot of overtime so DH had it set to alert him when I left work (so I didn't have to remember to text)
• When either of us wants something from a certain store or fast food we'll check where we are and if it's too late to send a "hey can you grab X on your way home?" text
• If I get home and he's not here (or vice versa) I can check where he is if I need him to come home or want to visit whoever he's at
• DH picks up our son from daycare. He'll tell me that day that I MIGHT need to do it so I check to see if he's going to be there on time or not so I know if I need to leave
• I tend to cook dinner the most. If I haven't left work yet he'll know whether to msg me to pick something up or cook something himself or he'll msg to ask if I have plans to pick-up dinner
• DH took DS to a movie. I didn't want to ask him if he'd forgotten so I just checked where he was and he was en route to the movie theatre

I used to feel really bad about remembering to let DH know I was on the way home, or ask him if he wanted anything before I left etc. Now I don't. MIL wants to have DS and take him camping. Not gunna lie, I'm considering buying a tile necklace to link to Life360... just in case.

We only really check it if we need to. We can turn it off if we need to (like gift shopping, or for surprises). I don't find it obtrusive at all. Tomorrow I'm staying after work to have an early dinner with a friend. DH will be able to check whether I've left yet so he knows what to tell our son (i.e. "mum won't be home before bed so off you go") or so he knows.

Maybe it's an age thing? Maybe it's an anxiety thing? I find it really helpful for my anxiety and so does DH. We communicate really well and he doesn't care if I'm gone for ages, and neither do I. Just helps to know where we are for any decisions we need/want to make.

For the examples you mentioned:

• he'd have to either check at the exact time I was there, OR scroll down in my history. That's too much work and he wouldn't have cared
• I work from home 2 days a week. I WORK, so no, I'm not also picking up. You want to, great, but that's not how I'm spending my time, sorry
• He likely wouldn't have checked b/c he expected me home at a certain time anyway. He also wouldn't have known if I went with said friend.

I can't think of a time I've had to white lie. If he's checking where I am, there's a reason. Either he needs me home sooner, or he's worried. It's not just to be nosey.

There does seem to be a belief that people are using it to track someone else 24/7 or at least a lot of the time. I don't know anybody who uses it like that for their partner or children.

If I thought my partner would use it like that to be controlling, that he had the potential to be controlling,I wouldn't be with him.

If you don't want it, don't have it, but in good relationships, it's something you can have on your phone, that can be useful occasionally, without causing any issues.

If you're with someone who you think would track you 24/7 given the chance, I'd get the fuck away from them. In truly controlling relationships, I imagine one or both people wouldn't give the other a choice but to have one of these apps. My father was very controlling, he found ways, even pre mobile phones, to check up on my mother. That sort of person will be like that, with of without one oc these apps.