AIBU to not want my DH to know where I am and what I'm doing at all times?

[Izzosaura]

This is inspired by the recent thread about people who are on tracking apps with their partners. My DH has no interest in us being on a tracking app and nor do I so this isn't a practical question so much as a theoretical one.

During the tracking discussion, I found myself having really strong negative feelings about being tracked but found it difficult to justify these rationally. As a few people put it, why worry if you have nothing hide? So I went away and analysed why I was so hostile, and I realised that apart from my wider worries about tracking (the danger of it not being truly voluntary due to pressure to agree to it; the potential for coercive control; a dislike of a world where people don't have to make the conscious choice to commuicate but just expect others to know their movements and fulfil their needs)... there actually ARE things that I want to hide from DH.

These are the exapmples I can think of from the last few months:

• I'm working to lose weight at the moment and have had considerable success, but a few weeks ago I had an appointment cancellation that unexpectedly gave me a spare half hour for lunch at work and gave in to a craving to go to a local chippy. I was embarrassed about breaking my diet and wouldn't have wanted my DH to know I'd been there. He would have been fine with it and wouldn't have seen it as his business to judge but he'd likely have made a joke about it and I wanted to avoid that.
• Last week I was meant to be out on a work visit about an hour away but it got rescheduled so I ended up spending the morning working from home unexpectedly. I didn't tell DH as knew that he'd then have expected me to do some tidying round the house - something he always does when working from home. But I had deadlines to meet and didn't want to do anything other than sit on my laptop. I therefore didn't mention the change in my schedule to him.
• About 3 months ago I was meant to be meeting up with a friend for a country walk and my DH agreed to look after our daughter whilst I did this. My friend met me but needed to leave earlier than we'd planned so we did a shortened version of the walk. Rather than rushing home, I enjoyed an hour to myself going round some nearby shops. I didn't tell my DH because although he'd have been cool with it, I felt guilty.

If my DH and I tracked one another, these omissions / white lies on my part would have been busted. I suppose I like to continue to be free to do this sort of thing once in a while. I'm also fine with the idea of him doing things he doesn't tell me about that are of a similar nature.

Some would perhaps say that this is the sort of dishonesty that breaks relationships and is a sign that our marriage is doomed... so am I being unreasonable to think that this sort of thing is fine or not?

YABU - These things shouldn't be hidden from your DH and you should be totally honest with him about where you are at all times.

YANBU - It's fine not to share these sorts of things with your DH; it's ok for married people to keep some things from one another.

We 'track' each other, we use it to check where the kids are mainly, check they get to school okay and sports etc, and it's very useful when they want picking up etc from friends houses.

I don't even think about using it to check up on where my DH is for no reason, but I could if I wanted too.

I too pop into places like chippys etc that DH doesn't know about, and if I'm at home unexpectedly he wouldn't expect me to do anything, and he's never asked me about them so I'm sure he doesn't check where I am etc and it keeps a history so he could 100% check if he wanted too.

I don't see it as a big deal with him, my ex however who was very controlling, I would have hated him having it x

It’s the important woman in our household. Me.

My husband does all the cooking. Some evenings I get in late. Around 8pm. Having dinner ready when I get in means we don’t end up eating even later than we need to.

You’re massively overthinking this. You don’t agree with it, neither of you have mentioned it. He doesn’t need to know you went to the chippy as a one off. It wouldn’t even occur to me to feel like I needed to tell my partner what I did on a lunch break. Why are you getting yourself worked up?

Not voted because your reasons for not being tracked are worrying - why are you worried your DH will judge you in the situations you describe? I don't track anyone in my family (including my teenagers) and no one tracks me. I am not hiding anything but I find tracking family members a bit suffocating and creepy.

It’s no one’s business to comment on how another couple conduct their relationship if both of them are happy with it.

Thank you!

You see lots of married couples who "track" each other on here but I don't think it's the norm and I wouldn't suggest it or agree to it. Not because I have anything to hide, but because my privacy is important to me and I think my husband would say the same. I can't think of a single reason why an adult would need to be traceable on a day to day basis. Not in my household anyway

The more I read threads like this, the more I feel like an oddball. Never in a million years would I want to be in a relationship where something like this was even mooted, let alone a possibility. Including when I was married. And my exhusband was perpetually late home so it might have in theory been useful according to some people's way of thinking. What would have been far more useful would have been him communicating with me and showing me respect.

I am an autonomous human being, as are my children and mine and their freedom to move about the world as we wish without having to think about what anyone thinks about this is so precious. I wouldn't give this up for anything. I cannot understand how willing people are to give this up, not just willing, delighted. I feel claustrophobic just thinking about it.

I’d never agree to track or be track. I’d feel like a supermarket delivery driver with a boss back at hq tracking my rounds.
Ain’t ever going to happen, there is simply no justification for it.

Well there is for other people. Not for you but for many people there is. My dh doesn’t ever feel like a boss, we don’t have that kind of relationship so feeling like that isn’t really relevant.

YABU. DH and I have tracking because he’s awful at telling me when he’s coming home from work, and I’ve got 3 under 5 so count the minutes. Also he goes on long runs in the countryside so I like to have it for safety. But if I look at it randomly and he’s somewhere I don’t expect then I would never mention it to him or even say I’ve looked because I’m not his keeper and he doesn’t have to tell me everything. I don’t think it has to be all or nothing.

I don't think it's that odd, sometimes it's nice to just do something for you.

I also believe strong independent adults who are in a loving relationship or marriage built on trust and respect would never feel the need for tracking. In many cases, tracking screams low confidence, low self-esteem, control issues, jealousy, obsession and unhealthy violation of boundaries. I would 100% prefer a normal call or text when someone gets somewhere if I am worried, rather than rely on tracking as if we are some kind of parcels not humans!

I disagree. I have an opinion on it and I've voiced it. I've not been insulting, if people disagree that's fine, I can't force them to agree with me but I'm allowed to comment.

I am an autonomous human being, as are my children and mine and their freedom to move about the world as we wish without having to think about what anyone thinks about this is so precious. I wouldn't give this up for anything. I cannot understand how willing people are to give this up, not just willing, delighted. I feel claustrophobic just thinking about it.

Most people who entrust someone else with location sharing also do not spend any time thinking about what that person thinks about their location and also move around the world with complete autonomy. We haven’t given an ounce of our freedom up and frankly it seems ludicrous to me that you’re painting it that way.

My elderly mum feels a sense of reassurance knowing that I could check her location if she wasn’t answering calls. My partner is happy for me to be able to check how his bus journey is tracking so I can pick him up from the stop after dark without needing to message about it. I like being able to see if my just-teen son and daughter have made it home from school yet.

Nobody is being or feeling oppressed by this technology. Don’t use it if you don’t want to but don’t act like it’s some kind of fresh evil that stops people from living their lives completely normally.

It’s a sad thing about new technology that it appears and suddenly people feel they have to justify not using it. It makes more sense for the default to be that you don’t use it unless you can see it had clear advantages for you, because you can bet it will also have disadvantages.

Not the point of the thread but your husband should not be expecting you to clean when you are wfh.

Why are you trying to tell people what their feelings should be is the bigger question.

Tracking was useful when I lost my phone and my son could find it for me at a street market.

In many cases, tracking screams low confidence, low self-esteem, control issues, jealousy, obsession and unhealthy violation of boundaries.

Yet everything you hear from on this thread who tracks is solely about convenience and safety netting. Getting dinner ready, ensuring an elderly parent is safe, checking ETA so you can do X Y or Z. It’s not that deep. It’s only an issue when one or both are checking beyond the reasons of convenience or safety. If they’re not, it’s their own innocuous business.

I don't remember saying anything about feelings particularly. I said that if you give up the ability to go incognito when you don't care about being incognito then it becomes quite difficult to backtrack from that position if you change your mind. Other people have said if people feel discomfort or claustrophobic about the normalisation of tracking is hysterical, that's more like telling people how they should feel.

I like nothing better than a sneaky day off that my husband hasn’t figured out. I don’t get given a list of chores! (Obviously when he has a day off I give him a list of chores…well, more, could you just drop that at the dry cleaners?)

we usually know where each other are…but just in general terms. And if one of us is getting hungry we’ll ring the other to track them down!

We have them. I never look at it as my other half be er goes anywhere. I ask him to keep an eye on me. Working in London, coming home late. Driving on country lanes it makes me feel safer to know if I'm not back when I said I would be he can look and see where I am and help or send help if needed,

No chance would I agree to tracking (DH feels the same)

DS and DIL who are in their 20s do, but have very different stories as to why (he says she wanted them to start so he agreed, she says he did so she said ok) which I find interesting

Only narcissists or controlling people would want to track their partner.

I'd go as far as saying that if you track each other your relationship is doomed.

The app is however great for tracking kids if needs be! Let's me know my 13 year old is on the school bus and hasn't missed it!! (He is hopeless at timekeeping!)

I agree with the poster, it's natural to do things just for you, it's strange to feel you have to hide it from your partner.

It doesn't feel like an equal and healthy relationship if you have someone giving you a list of chores on your day off - not since you've moved out from your parents house, and to have free time you.. lie? What is that all about?

It's of no importance whatsoever, but the need to have "diner" ready at the second for your partner is very odd 😂