AIBU to not want my DH to know where I am and what I'm doing at all times?

[Izzosaura]

This is inspired by the recent thread about people who are on tracking apps with their partners. My DH has no interest in us being on a tracking app and nor do I so this isn't a practical question so much as a theoretical one.

During the tracking discussion, I found myself having really strong negative feelings about being tracked but found it difficult to justify these rationally. As a few people put it, why worry if you have nothing hide? So I went away and analysed why I was so hostile, and I realised that apart from my wider worries about tracking (the danger of it not being truly voluntary due to pressure to agree to it; the potential for coercive control; a dislike of a world where people don't have to make the conscious choice to commuicate but just expect others to know their movements and fulfil their needs)... there actually ARE things that I want to hide from DH.

These are the exapmples I can think of from the last few months:

• I'm working to lose weight at the moment and have had considerable success, but a few weeks ago I had an appointment cancellation that unexpectedly gave me a spare half hour for lunch at work and gave in to a craving to go to a local chippy. I was embarrassed about breaking my diet and wouldn't have wanted my DH to know I'd been there. He would have been fine with it and wouldn't have seen it as his business to judge but he'd likely have made a joke about it and I wanted to avoid that.
• Last week I was meant to be out on a work visit about an hour away but it got rescheduled so I ended up spending the morning working from home unexpectedly. I didn't tell DH as knew that he'd then have expected me to do some tidying round the house - something he always does when working from home. But I had deadlines to meet and didn't want to do anything other than sit on my laptop. I therefore didn't mention the change in my schedule to him.
• About 3 months ago I was meant to be meeting up with a friend for a country walk and my DH agreed to look after our daughter whilst I did this. My friend met me but needed to leave earlier than we'd planned so we did a shortened version of the walk. Rather than rushing home, I enjoyed an hour to myself going round some nearby shops. I didn't tell my DH because although he'd have been cool with it, I felt guilty.

If my DH and I tracked one another, these omissions / white lies on my part would have been busted. I suppose I like to continue to be free to do this sort of thing once in a while. I'm also fine with the idea of him doing things he doesn't tell me about that are of a similar nature.

Some would perhaps say that this is the sort of dishonesty that breaks relationships and is a sign that our marriage is doomed... so am I being unreasonable to think that this sort of thing is fine or not?

YABU - These things shouldn't be hidden from your DH and you should be totally honest with him about where you are at all times.

YANBU - It's fine not to share these sorts of things with your DH; it's ok for married people to keep some things from one another.

That was me and I said the hysteria was about likening someone choosing to share their own location as being like “someone fitting them with a personal tracker”. I didn’t have a go at their personal feelings, they may personally find it claustrophobic and that’s fine.

What I object to is the repeated suggestion that people who allow tracking are being “constantly monitored” or having their every move surveilled. Except in a minority of cases where the technology is being abused, that is simply not a description of what is actually happening.

@Didimum I agree on checking an elderly parent or DC to make sure they are safe. But in a marriage with two healthy adequate human beings, and especially for reasons such as dinner times etc I believe it is a respectful thing for DH to let DW know in a conventional way that they are being late and give ETA. I would not want my DH to think, "oh, she will see it on tracking app anyways, I am not calling" this is when communication is at a risk of breaking down. If he is not in time for dinner I eat on my own and let him sort out his own dinner, I am not delivering dinner based on his tracking ETA!

LOL thank you for an amazing and timely example of the absolute hysteria and exaggeration that I am referring to.

😂35 years of marriage here. I don’t think so.

My friend tracks her husband 100% of the time. He often goes away on business and she'll tell me "Oh he's in xxx pub or restaurant tonight" I think she must be insecure about what he's getting up to when he's away.

OH and I have no interest in tracking each other. Mine would show Lidl, Tesco, gym, coffee shop etc so nothing very exciting.

I grew up in the 80s without all this stuff - we just got on with our lives.

I recently received my DMs phone, she she passed away 2 years ago and her phone was found when we were clearing their house last month when it sold. I was shocked and pretty angry to find my SD had put a tracker on it. In hindsight, it was obvious. He was pretty obsessed with where she was and what she was doing. Before she got ill, we would meet in town...cue numerous calls asking when she'd be home, literally would start within 10 mins of us meeting. 9 times out of 10 we would sit down for a coffee or a bite to eat and 15 mins later he would walk in, all surprised that he had found us (not a small town, many, MANY cafes and restaurants) My DH suggested a tracker and my mum said Nooooo SD wouldn't do that, he respects me too much...many things about her marriage have come to light since she passed and as a result I have gone very LC with SD. He has alzheimers now, but this behaviour has gone on for years, well before he became ill. It has really tarnished my view of him, and to a lesser extent, my DM 😕

But all of those examples could be managed by calling/texting people.

The only one where I can see that a tracking app may have been useful is the SIL breaking down, but even then they could just have sent you a pin to their location

No way would I want to be tracked. As long as I am where I say I will be when needed, there is no need for anyone to know where I am all the time.

Sometimes if I have time to myself I just like to take myself off somewhere alone - like a day at the seaside. Why does anyone need to know where I am?

But if you want to back track because you have changed your mind on the idea of surveillance, then any criticism of that from your partner is on them and down to their character. It’s not the fault of the concept of surveillance, it’s the fault of your partner’s mindset about it.

There are hundreds of things that one might start doing differently in life which could have the potential to trigger suspicion in your partner. If the change in behaviour is all above board then it’s the partners issue.

Sometimes if I have time to myself I just like to take myself off somewhere alone - like a day at the seaside. Why does anyone need to know where I am?

They probably won’t care and won’t look unless you’re dating a stalker?

But why set it up in the first place? I am an adult who is perfectly capable of sending a message or phoning to say if I will or won't be around for dinner etc..

I worked with someone who lived fishing but his wife didn't think it was a good way of spending a day off as there were household tasks to be done so he would book a day's holiday and come into work as usual then change and go off fishing. Staff were instructed to say he was busy with patients if she phoned. It was hilarious. She later admitted to me that she knew what he got up to.

The thread is full of reasons why people set it up and find it convenient if you care to read, so I won’t repeat the various reasons.

Don’t have it if you don’t want to but don’t act like having it means you’re being constantly monitored/constantly monitoring someone else for no reason. Thats not how most people use it.

I think it comes down to being a different sort of person. We have a family iPhone account so we can share Apple Music. I also set up life360 before DH joined the iPhone family and invited him but he didn't join. I asked why and he said he's not into that and if he wants to know where DD is, he can just ask me because I'll know. When he joined the iPhone family, he turned location off.

I don't care if people I've approved can see where I am. Especially as I know they will typically have to be looking at that exact moment to see that I've taken another secret trip to McDonald's.

The benefit for me is when I wonder where DD is, instead of bothering her or worrying (I'm an intense worrier which is my issue, not hers) I can just go to life360 and see she's somewhere safe. It would be nice if I could do the same when I get home and DH isn't there so that I don't have to feel like a psycho ringing him to ask where he is but neither of us are inclined to be weird about it. I'm not concerned or bothered he hasn't joined the life360 group.

Sometimes when I am away, I actually enjoy the feeling that no one knows where I am…

There seems to be so much anxiety and the desperate need to know "just in case". It sounds so claustrophobic and frankly patronising. "I can track your phone in case you get lost"? Seriously? You are my partner, not my dad and I am not a child.

Replacing normal adult communication by "tracking" is just.. weird.

The constant need to know where the others are is unhealthy. I love internet and all the instant messaging/ face time/ whatsapp and I do find it a massive improvement over letters that used to take weeks to reach you (before my day, I am not that old) but this is going a step too far frankly.

Wanting to have the possibility to know where the other is at all time, even if you don't use it.. it's bonkers.

My DIL said last week that she and my son have a tracking app. He drives on motorways a lot visiting clients so gives her peace of mind. She's a worrier. He takes the mick out of her occasionally.

Husband replied over his dead body would he be tracked. Not that I would. He does walk in the hills a lot with the dogs in so I like him to take his phone just incase he falls .

I won't answer my phone if I'm driving which irks him but honestly I find it too distracting.

My youngest lives away at university comes home some weekends. He does switch on his Google live tracker for me because he hasn't been driving long and has to join three motorways one which has frequent nasty accidents. But that's a mum thing

Wanting to have the possibility to know where the other is at all time, even if you don't use it.. it's bonkers.

This 100%

I'm so old I can remember a time before mobile phones. We survived.

I don’t look at it until I need to, may go days without the need. It’s a pretty dull app so you’d have issues if you were continuously checking it. I’m far too busy for one.

Dh and I use find my phone, but rarely use it.
He used to look to see if I'd left work on time so he could time dinner and hasn't used it since I stopped work. I use it when he goes on long bikes ride alone and it's getting very late and dark and I make sure he's on his way back safely, other than that we don't care where the other goes, I went off shopping the other day on my way home, new clothes in a bag were a give away. He didn't care.
If you are feeling judged and controlled and feeling the need to only be exactly where he thinks you should be then that's not healthy.

Really interesting. I pick up two things from your post-
you are a people pleaser. You don’t want someone to disapprove of choices you have made, even if you disapprove of them yourself.
you are assuming the person will track at all times and notice every time you deviate.

I would like DS (living at home) to get one so I know how long till he gets home (as that’s when we eat).
I’d only bother looking while I’m cooking the evening meal, ditto if he’s out and I don’t know if he’ll be back for a meal.

My whole family are on the Find My Friends app. We set it up when we were all on holiday together and it was really useful. We all loved it so much that we kept it. I don't know why some people can't accept that some people - couples, families, friends - feel differently about a thing than they do, and can't help being nasty or derogatory.

We have a "tracking" app between us but rarely look at it. Usually use it to see if he and the children have left the park yet (or similar) and so when to start preparing dinner (or myself, mentally, for the coming onslaught!)

They're not always fabulously accurate and he's asked occasionally (casually!) what I was doing in a place several miles away from where I actually was and Ben met with confusion and a laugh about GPS.

I completely take your point about coercion etc. though, and about white lies of omission! Like anything, it depends on context and a tool is as useful or sinister as the purposes you put it to.

This is so upsetting for you. I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sorry that your stepfather was that kind of man. X

I have a job that means I’m often walking home late. It’s useful for him to be able to check where I am. He worries. I have no issue. And every now and again I will check to see if he’s left work.

That’s about it. There’s no stalking which is basically what would be required in order to find you out in your scenarios.