AIBU to not want my DH to know where I am and what I'm doing at all times?

[Izzosaura]

This is inspired by the recent thread about people who are on tracking apps with their partners. My DH has no interest in us being on a tracking app and nor do I so this isn't a practical question so much as a theoretical one.

During the tracking discussion, I found myself having really strong negative feelings about being tracked but found it difficult to justify these rationally. As a few people put it, why worry if you have nothing hide? So I went away and analysed why I was so hostile, and I realised that apart from my wider worries about tracking (the danger of it not being truly voluntary due to pressure to agree to it; the potential for coercive control; a dislike of a world where people don't have to make the conscious choice to commuicate but just expect others to know their movements and fulfil their needs)... there actually ARE things that I want to hide from DH.

These are the exapmples I can think of from the last few months:

• I'm working to lose weight at the moment and have had considerable success, but a few weeks ago I had an appointment cancellation that unexpectedly gave me a spare half hour for lunch at work and gave in to a craving to go to a local chippy. I was embarrassed about breaking my diet and wouldn't have wanted my DH to know I'd been there. He would have been fine with it and wouldn't have seen it as his business to judge but he'd likely have made a joke about it and I wanted to avoid that.
• Last week I was meant to be out on a work visit about an hour away but it got rescheduled so I ended up spending the morning working from home unexpectedly. I didn't tell DH as knew that he'd then have expected me to do some tidying round the house - something he always does when working from home. But I had deadlines to meet and didn't want to do anything other than sit on my laptop. I therefore didn't mention the change in my schedule to him.
• About 3 months ago I was meant to be meeting up with a friend for a country walk and my DH agreed to look after our daughter whilst I did this. My friend met me but needed to leave earlier than we'd planned so we did a shortened version of the walk. Rather than rushing home, I enjoyed an hour to myself going round some nearby shops. I didn't tell my DH because although he'd have been cool with it, I felt guilty.

If my DH and I tracked one another, these omissions / white lies on my part would have been busted. I suppose I like to continue to be free to do this sort of thing once in a while. I'm also fine with the idea of him doing things he doesn't tell me about that are of a similar nature.

Some would perhaps say that this is the sort of dishonesty that breaks relationships and is a sign that our marriage is doomed... so am I being unreasonable to think that this sort of thing is fine or not?

YABU - These things shouldn't be hidden from your DH and you should be totally honest with him about where you are at all times.

YANBU - It's fine not to share these sorts of things with your DH; it's ok for married people to keep some things from one another.

I track DH... in that his blob is on my google maps if I open it. I do this when I haven't heard he's on his way home from work - 45mins on motorway so subject to holdups etc. And I'm wanting to out dinner on etc.

We also use it when out with the kids in town or a new area to them. It was great in a London museum recently when ds (10) lost us and could pick us up without needing to panic. Kind of a safety net.

But then neither of us is a tracking fanatic and largely don't bother checking it...

I guess the problem is that I DO occasionally lie.. or don't mention the truth... as per my examples. I'm trying to work out how bad that really is.

Shoot me. I said dishing up rather than starting cooking.

Dh and I have a tracking app. We both mountain bike and I run and am often out alone on the moors, as is he, so it makes sense from a safety point of view. A friend of mine collapsed out running a few years ago and it has made me very aware of what could happen in the middle of nowhere. We've had it for a couple of years, don't think I've ever actually checked it though.

We do have tracking on our phones (at least I think we do), but never used it, is only there in case we lose one.

I do agree with you@Izzosaura , I take my friend shopping sometimes and she often treats me to breakfast or just a coffee, as she doesn't drive. I think DH would see it as 'no wonder you don't lose weight'!

Except we don’t share everything. It’s there to be checked on whenever and we only use it when we need to and we trust each other not to get all obsessed with monitoring each other 24/7

Does Life360 count - we have a circle on that with our 11yo so I guess i could "track" where DH is, as could he track me. Do we? Quite frankly I couldn't be arsed and then, surely, I'd need to be tracking him all the time to catch him out on the random occasion he has a chippy for dinner instead of his salad or goes to a shop when he should be elsewhere....

To add - your reasonings seem a bit odd, nothing to do with tracking apps but feeling a need to hide completely reasonable behaviour is a bit worrying.

I’m unsure why there is such a worry about “tracking”. I think it comes down to trust between partners.
We have all the family (including a 20 year old and a 16 year old) on find my iPhone - the reasons for this….

1. My husband works in transport. He cannot generally ring me if he is running late… I tend to check his location to see wheee he is and whether dinner needs to be delayed
2. DD1 drives a lot for work- if she was to break down- we would know where to get her from. Also helpful when she sneaks in from a night out as I just check on my phone if she’s home - if she’s not and she’s later than expected - I text her to check she’s ok.
3. DD2 - expects collecting from friends and has terrible communication with addresses so it’s easier to find and collect.
4. DH uses it to check when I’m leaving work for dinner purposes too as I say I’ll be home at 5 but there’s normally a crisis and he checks to see if I’ve actually left before he puts on the dinner

I have caught DH in the pub, rather than where he said he was but he would have told me when he got home if I hadn’t sent him a silly message along the lines of … that’s a different work location 🤣

We all respect each other and do not use to “track” movements, it’s just there as an aid as I don’t like to ring to check their arrival home as they may be driving, etc.
We all also have access to each others phones and know the passwords into them…
Maybe I’m lucky that I have nothing to hide, DH often asks me to get something off his phone & the kids do also….its all down to trust!

But OP, I know you say you don’t want him to know you went to the chippy/finished your walk earlier, etc, but wouldn’t you tell him when you got home? I would have told him - if DH was expecting to look after the kids for 3 hours he wouldn’t be expecting me home earlier if my friend cut the walk short!

I like people not knowing where I am despite having nothing to hide. The other week I went to Spain and didn't tell anyone. My husband was away on business so didn't know I wasn't home and I didn't tell my friends or family. I like being anonymous. I told husband when I talked to him on the phone a few days in but I would hate to be tracked constantly.

That's the one that always gets me, when people claim it helps with meal planning. TF are people cooking that can't wait five mins if they're running late, or be finished when they get home if they're a bit early?

We have the same pass code which is also the same as the PIN we both have on our cards for the joint account.

We use each other's phones all the time. Mostly when one is driving and the other wants to change music but the driver's phone is the one connected. Or if one of us wants to quickly look something up and their own phone is in another room. Or we want to flick through each other's photos from a holiday we've been on. Loads of reasons.

I wouldn't be suspicious if DH suddenly changed his phone pass code but I would think he was being a bit weird about it.

I think level of honesty within a relationship is a very individual thing. I wouldn’t want to keep things like that from DP and I would hope he wouldn’t from me either. But that’s not to say our relationship is better than one where those sorts of little omissions are acceptable. So long as you’re aligned with each other, it’s fine. Nobody is being harmed.

As for tracking, I wouldn’t care, but DP would hate it. Not for any nefarious reason – I trust him implicitly – but because he believes trust should be the default and he’s earned that by always being honest with me. Which is fine by me.

I think you have bigger issues to deal with that have nothing to do with tracking

This unapologetically you point is a really interesting perspective and has made me think I might be wrong here. You're right: I am ashamed of myself for not being my version of perfect and am trying to conceal the truth from my DH.

Well to be fair, I dont sit there and stalk my DHs whereabouts all day long and neither does he. I also dont get notified if he goes off track or anything. I never even use it unless we need to find each other.
The car tracking is great because my phone tells me when DH gets in the car. Then I know when to prep food because I know his eta. It easier for him than texting me every time.

I think it's pretty bad that you think your DH would make you feel bad for taking a bit of time to mooch round the shops. Or that you'd feel bad even if he didn't make you but just if he knew. What's driving that?

I'm bemused by the number of Mumsnetters, whenever there's a thread like this, who NEED to know when to start cooking/plating up dinner, or putting the kettle on.

I'm starting to wonder how, in several decades of marriage, I (or my late husband) managed to prepare dinner for us both without this vital bit of kit.

I am with you op - l am an adult and don't need anyone to track me thank you very much!

Does anyone say they NEED it? Or just that a lot of people find it useful.

This is a fair point and definitely my issue to work through!

😂 where do you live?! Where we are the exact same drive from work can be anywhere between 20 to 90mins depending on traffic. I love the find my app because I can click on him and the maps app will tell me how many minutes based on the traffic at that moment,

I can see that tracking apps can be useful but to me,the idea of someone knowing my every move would make me feel really uncomfortable and piss me off.

I can't imagine using a tracking app for my DH and I don't think he'd have any interest in tracking me either! Do some couples have to know where their partner is all the time? If DH is working away I just assume he's ok and that he'd contact me if not. Otherwise we usually tell each other where we're going. Why would we need to track each other?

We have the app and also have parents / siblings etc. We are spread out all over the continent and all travel quite a bit for holidays / work.. my mum especially loves to look at the map and see where we all are.

I probably look up my husband once a month if that and it's usually to see if he's left work yet or if he's gone to the supermarket and I remember we need something I'll look and see if he's there before texting and asking him to get it.

Granted they are only small / silly examples but if my husband lied (or felt the need to lie) about the examples in the OP I would be a bit 🤨. Tracking or not I find it weird to lie about stuff like that.