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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

17 years old dd is refusing to come with us on holiday

593 replies

Joanfromnextdoor · 05/08/2024 20:05

Name change here as I don’t want to be recognised with my other threads.

We are due to travel to France this weekend and stay for a week. We are going to see my parents for the weekend (they are french) and go for a few days in Normandy. Dd is now refusing to go, saying she hates it there, she is not confident at all with her french (my fault). We went at Christmas last year for the first time in at least 10 years and she said she hated it, felt depressed there.

I think Covid didn’t help at all as we didn’t go to France for 2 years and she has a massive blockage about going.

I have pleaded with her..and she reluctantly said yes she was coming but then changed her mind again. I got her a ticket to Reading to see her favourite artist, I booked for the 2 of us to go to Paris in December as she really wanted to go to find a compromise with her.

I can’t leave her because she is not matured enough, I don’t trust her, she would be the kind to not close the fridge properly, leave rubbish everywhere, she refuses to do anything pretty much.

We have no family that could help us.

We have a 20 years old daughter who really wants to go, we can’t cancel the holiday.

AIBU to lose my shit with her ?? What would you do ?

OP posts:
DaniMontyRae · 05/08/2024 20:49

PeloMom · 05/08/2024 20:30

I stayed home from 14 yr old when my parent visited the grandparents as I was bored out of my mind when I visited. She’ll be fine.

Did you never consider how your grandparents felt and that maybe they wanted to see you? I'm glad my parents never let me be so selfish even if that did mean I had a few boring weekends.

VividQuoter · 05/08/2024 20:50

Leave her alone

Redcliffe1 · 05/08/2024 20:50

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 05/08/2024 20:46

I would definitely stop the begging and pleading - say OK, you think it’s unbelievable shitty behaviour that she won’t got see her grandparents twice a year, but you accept she’s making that choice. But she can’t stay in the house alone and you refuse to let her cancel everyone else’s trip. She finds somewhere else to go for a week.

say on Friday (assuming that’s when you leave) you will be locking th house up with her outside of it, you will remove her keys, she can then get in the car with you or have a lift to whoever she’s arranged to stay with, but she has left it this late so she can make those plans, you don’t see why you should be calling in favours.

if she thinks she should be allowed to stay home alone say she’s failed to show she’s capable, if she’d pulled her weight around the house over the last 6 months you’d view it differently, but if this is what she wanted, it would have taken work on her behalf previously.

you and dh present a united front, she’s not coming with you, she’s not staying in the house alone, her job to sort something.

I assume at 17 she has her own keys.

ChristmasCwtch · 05/08/2024 20:51

Leave her home. It’s a long time since I was 17, but it sounds miserable having to spend holiday visiting elderly relatives who don’t speak the same language.

Buy food for the week. If she leaves the fridge door open, she’ll quickly learn. It’s a good opportunity for some independence.

Why make the holiday stressful for yourself.

babbi · 05/08/2024 20:51

Chicaontour · 05/08/2024 20:45

While i have sympathy for you, you are being unreasonable if you did not raise her bilingual . Language is such an important part of culture and if she is not fluent than shes not going to be comfortable. Sorry not trying to twist the knife but it is on you id languagr is the reason she doesnt want to go

Agree with this statement.(I’m multilingual)
You have unfortunately allowed this situation to develop .
You should have spoken in your native tongue to your daughter from day 1 to facilitate the relationship between your daughter and your parents.

please try to correct this asap to let them communicate and develop a relationship

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 05/08/2024 20:52

I assume reading and Paris have happened already- if not both are obviously cancelled.

Himitsu · 05/08/2024 20:52

Loving seeing the complete polar opposites of parenting styles in this thread.

GreatTheCat · 05/08/2024 20:52

Leave her at home. I had left home by that age.

OutOfChargeNow · 05/08/2024 20:53

I read threads like this and wonder if we are an anomaly. My kids are 20 and 21 and still love our family holidays. Sunshine, free food, quality time and a nice hotel. Do most teens really hate family holidays this much?

I would make her go probably and she can then stay back and read a book.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 05/08/2024 20:54

@Redcliffe1 - yep, but remove those. She’s not allowed in the house alone for a week. She’s left it too late to prove she can cope alone, she’s gone about this all wrong, so fine, she has to stay elsewhere.

if British DHs parents are around, I might preempt asking them.

Fullyflavoured · 05/08/2024 20:54

Radarkeigh · 05/08/2024 20:24

She comes on holiday or you kick her out.

Don't be so bloody stupid.

Starlingexpress · 05/08/2024 20:54

Leave her at home. Let the fridge run down between now and the weekend and she’ll learn a valuable lesson is she leaves the door open when it’s got stuff she’s paid for inside.
I’d hazard a guess that she’s living the attention.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 05/08/2024 20:54

missmollygreen · 05/08/2024 20:08

Sounds like a week on her own might do her some good.

You are making to many excuses for her.

Uh huh, she's 17, not 12. Maybe do her some good to stay home on her own.

Chillilounger · 05/08/2024 20:55

Well you can make her, but hopefully it won't come to that. Try talking and reasoning first. Explain leaving her isn't an option so she needs to come or one of you needs to stay with her. Maybe the threat of having Mum or Dad cramping her style for a week would work? If she digs her heels in then two can play at that game. No internet, no phone, no going out, no money for the rest of the summer. If she ruins the family holiday, you ruin her holiday. Obviously that's a last resort.

Happiestathome · 05/08/2024 20:56

Would your 20 year old be able to
have a chat with her and convince her? With not wanting to leave her yet, and not wanting to cancel, validating her feelings, whilst calming trying to convince her, is the only option really.

RampantIvy · 05/08/2024 20:56

Morwenscapacioussleeves · 05/08/2024 20:17

I was away at university at 17 & backpacked at the other side of the world for the 6 weeks before.

Just leave her home. You'll enjoy your holiday, she gets to have a peaceful week/grow up a bit/learns she should have come on holiday.

But you weren't an immature 17 year old.
Your point is pretty irrelevant.

A lot of posters on threads like these forget that not all teenagers mature at the same rate. My parents went on holiday and left me and my sister to fend for ourselves when we were under 17, but my aunt and uncle lived next door and we were sensible. The OP has said that her DD is immature and npt sensible.

@Joanfromnextdoor I would let her stay at home (lock up your valuables first in case she forgets to lock up) and cancel the tickets you have bought for her.

DadJoke · 05/08/2024 20:56

First of all, tell her you aren't going to force her to go.

Once she knows she doesn't have to go, she will be more open to discussing why she doesn't want to go, and might even change her mind.

I found with my then 17 year old, who wasn't great around people, that he was more willing to do stuff he didn't have to do, then things I tried to make him do.

Don't emotionally blackmail her.

If she really wants to stay (and at 17 she really should be able to unless she has special needs) then set ground rules and off you go.

helpfulperson · 05/08/2024 20:56

Am I reading this right - last Christmas was the first time she had visited in at least 10 years? So she hadn't seen her Grandparents in 10 years? So she is expected to visit people she hardly knows who don't speak the same language as her. I don't think I'd be wanting to go. The family ties obviously aren't strong.

Growlybear83 · 05/08/2024 20:56

I think it's a very difficult situation. At thst age, going on thst sort of holiday with family would have been my idea of hell. But I can also understand how you feel about leaving her at home on her own - I could never have trusted my daughter at that age. Does she have a friend/boyfriend she could stay with for the week?

Evenstar · 05/08/2024 20:57

When I was 17 we lived about an hour’s drive from my widowed grandmothers. We visited each of them at least once a month on a Sunday. My younger brother and I took a book to read or we would play a board game but also chat to our grandma.

My DC grew up with frequent visits to their paternal grandmother, were they bored, yes sometimes but they understood that she lived alone with poor health and looked forward to the visits.

It doesn’t do teenagers any harm to be bored sometimes or to realise that is kind to think of other people’s needs as well as your own.

bridgetreilly · 05/08/2024 20:59

No, don’t let her stay home alone. It’s her grandparents, not just a holiday. Don’t engage in discussions. She’s coming, end of!

Octavia64 · 05/08/2024 20:59

I'd leave her at home.

I have relatives in France and they just fucking love picking holes in anyone's French.

I stopped talking to them in French (most speak some level of English) after they corrected literally every word I said.

Don't know if that's a French thing of my relatives were just horrible but we didn't go back for over a decade it was such a shit visit.

susiedaisy1912 · 05/08/2024 20:59

I had stopped going on family holidays at that age. I was left at home with our neighbour looking in on me everyday.

OriginalUsername2 · 05/08/2024 20:59

It wouldn't even be a discussion. Disagree that she’s “essentially an adult” if she cant be trusted to shut a fridge door. No offence to her but she’s not ready.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 05/08/2024 21:00

Joanfromnextdoor · 05/08/2024 20:12

@CreativeOriginalUsername she is half-French. We told her it’s the last holiday we’ll have spect her to come. Begging, pleading with her :(

My youngest at that age didn't want to go on holiday with us. He's now 23 and any time we are going away, always wants to come ( us paying)😂.
So I doubt it will be your last family holiday.
Leave her at home and enjoy your holiday without a mardy 17yr old.