17 years old dd is refusing to come with us on holiday

[Joanfromnextdoor]

Name change here as I don’t want to be recognised with my other threads.

We are due to travel to France this weekend and stay for a week. We are going to see my parents for the weekend (they are french) and go for a few days in Normandy. Dd is now refusing to go, saying she hates it there, she is not confident at all with her french (my fault). We went at Christmas last year for the first time in at least 10 years and she said she hated it, felt depressed there.

I think Covid didn’t help at all as we didn’t go to France for 2 years and she has a massive blockage about going.

I have pleaded with her..and she reluctantly said yes she was coming but then changed her mind again. I got her a ticket to Reading to see her favourite artist, I booked for the 2 of us to go to Paris in December as she really wanted to go to find a compromise with her.

I can’t leave her because she is not matured enough, I don’t trust her, she would be the kind to not close the fridge properly, leave rubbish everywhere, she refuses to do anything pretty much.

We have no family that could help us.

We have a 20 years old daughter who really wants to go, we can’t cancel the holiday.

AIBU to lose my shit with her ?? What would you do ?

She’s 17. She is fine to stay on her own for a week.
If you are nervous about her safety, set up ring cameras in the house. Make that the condition that she can stay on her own. Not all rooms obviously, perhaps the hallway or the living room.

She will probably be bored and miss you all lots. She will probably also regret not coming on holiday with you. But she needs to find this out for herself.

Or maybe, it will be the best thing for her and you can see how much she has matured and how capable she is. That will boost her self esteem no end and build confidence. Taking on the French language will seem easy then!

staying with grandparents in france who don’t speak english is not a holiday and i wouldn’t force my teens, no way

leave her at home. I wouldn’t even organise that as a family holiday - that’s a visit to family not a holiday

I think I'd say if she didn't come she'd have to pay back the cost of her holiday.

I went on holiday with my parents under duress when I was 16, never went again. Don't make her go. Can she not stay with a friend?

Gillick competence is to do with medical decisions. Not relevant here.

They are only with the grandparents for the weekend.

wow who on earth would sell her reading ticket?! she’s not forcing you to go there is she? family holidays have always been a family decision in our house even when little they had their opinion

They're only visiting the grandparents for a weekend then going to Normandy for the rest of the holiday - hardly an arduous experience is it?!

Leave her behind on the condition that you come back to a clean and tidy house - whatever state you leave it in, you shall return to. Will be good for her to have a week to run a house. I guess you’d need some repercussion up your sleeve for if she doesn’t succeed.

Whats the alternative then? OP is adamant she is too immature to be left alone. She has to come.

I stayed home from 14 yr old when my parent visited the grandparents as I was bored out of my mind when I visited. She’ll be fine.

There are two choices aren’t there? Either she stays alone (which you’ve said isn’t an option but ought to be, barring SEN), or comes with you.

If you don’t want her to stay alone, you have to find a way to lay down the law.

Perhaps she doesn’t get some of these massive treats like the festival tickets or the trip to Paris if she doesn’t come?

And isn’t it a good opportunity to get confident with her French?

normandy is boring for teens too! at that age they likely want to go abroad with their mates - or go somewhere lively where the sisters can go off to venues or sightseeing

my teens 18&16 would be bored in france unless skiing

Sell the tickets to Reading.

Well I travelled without my parents (from one relative in France back to another in UK) at 14 and was fine, and after that, went on church camps when my parents/sibs went on holiday because I preferred it 😅.

Its a shame your dd doesn't want to visit her dGPs but I agree with those saying 17 is generally too old to be just 'made to' go.

But to earn that freedom for herself she has to prove she can act like a responsible 17-year-old, so for example she should:
-Listen to you explaining calmly how this has made you/dGPs feel, and ask her to acknowledge that;
-Send a note/gift to dGPs saying why she isn't coming this time
-undertake to look after the house/garden/herself;
-manage on the limited budget you will save from not taking her, plus her own money;
-facetime you every evening to check in (as an act of care for you, her parent, because it will make you feel more comfortable).

Yes and the onus is on the bilingual person - Mum - to make sure she translates or helps dd to practice her French, rather than just leaving her sat there not understanding

How good is her French? Enough to have a semi decent conversation with her GPs if she really tried? If not, I do think you have to shoulder some of the blame for her reluctance as she’ll be awkward and embarrassed about it which is feeding into anxiety.

I think you explain to her that she has to suck it up and come on holiday. She does not get to choose! No way would I leave a 17-year old home alone that I didn’t trust to be responsible/ mature enough.
I have 3 wonderful respectful mature adult daughters but no way would I have left any of them home alone for a week at that age, they just don’t know what they don’t know.
it’s only a week for goodness sake.

I was 17 when I stopped going on holiday with my parents, it’s a reasonable age imo. Is it not better for her to stay home than come on the holiday and potentially ruin it for everybody else with her mood?

In a few years she will be desperate to come on holiday with you again!

Same. My mother wouldn't have been fretting about it either.

Just say that's fine she can stay home. There will be food in the fridge and no money left for extras/days out. She is expected to keep the house clean and do her own washing etc.

oh and the Paris trip is cancelled and reading tickets sold. You got her them as a bribe for her to visit her grandparents on the family holiday and she forfeited the deal.

There’s a third option - she stays with someone else in the UK. Another family member (DHs family?) or friends. Can that be sorted quickly but be clear as far as you are concerned, her staying home alone isn’t an option and her cancelling the whole family holiday is not an option.

next year no bribe, shes not allowed alone in the house, she arranges to be elsewhere or joins you.

Leave her home, cancel the trip to Paris in December- she can’t have it both ways.
get a friend to check up on her during your week. She will be fine.

Easy to say leave her but at 17 - parties???

I was in my own house and married at 17.

Leave her behind, she'll just be miserable otherwise and you can't manhandle her into the car. Sell her tickets though.