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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

17 years old dd is refusing to come with us on holiday

593 replies

Joanfromnextdoor · 05/08/2024 20:05

Name change here as I don’t want to be recognised with my other threads.

We are due to travel to France this weekend and stay for a week. We are going to see my parents for the weekend (they are french) and go for a few days in Normandy. Dd is now refusing to go, saying she hates it there, she is not confident at all with her french (my fault). We went at Christmas last year for the first time in at least 10 years and she said she hated it, felt depressed there.

I think Covid didn’t help at all as we didn’t go to France for 2 years and she has a massive blockage about going.

I have pleaded with her..and she reluctantly said yes she was coming but then changed her mind again. I got her a ticket to Reading to see her favourite artist, I booked for the 2 of us to go to Paris in December as she really wanted to go to find a compromise with her.

I can’t leave her because she is not matured enough, I don’t trust her, she would be the kind to not close the fridge properly, leave rubbish everywhere, she refuses to do anything pretty much.

We have no family that could help us.

We have a 20 years old daughter who really wants to go, we can’t cancel the holiday.

AIBU to lose my shit with her ?? What would you do ?

OP posts:
sunsetsandboardwalks · 05/08/2024 20:35

Alwaysanotherwine · 05/08/2024 20:31

normandy is boring for teens too! at that age they likely want to go abroad with their mates - or go somewhere lively where the sisters can go off to venues or sightseeing

my teens 18&16 would be bored in france unless skiing

Edited

What's wrong with a teen being a bit bored for a few days? Confused

DingleDongBellEnd · 05/08/2024 20:36

SwedishEdith · 05/08/2024 20:26

Why do people post stuff like this?

Show quote history

I wondered that myself. Maybe just to stir shit up? hopefully not because they are inherently fascistic.

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 05/08/2024 20:37

I don't understand the begging, she previously agreed to go on the holiday so tough luck she needs to go! If you really cannot make her then she needs to make arrangements to stay somewhere else whilst you are away and pay you back for her proportion of the holiday!

The Paris trip would definitely be cancelled

Alwaysanotherwine · 05/08/2024 20:37

wow- cancel tickets and sell reading? there are some bullying parents on here that’s disgusting bribery/control

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/08/2024 20:37

We wouldn’t stay with fil. His house isn’t very big or nice and it wouldn’t be a holiday. My dd is 16 and also dual. We are in France now but not from the region dh comes from. We go there next week. Even if things were more ideal and mil was still alive, I still don’t think we’d stay with him.

This year dd has brought a friend. We’ve done this because dd has anorexia and life would have been hell without the extra person to smooth things over and help dd to relax enough to eat. Is that an option? Your dd would likely enjoy it so much more and may even be willing to translate for her friend even if her French isn’t that great. If you choose the friend wisely, maybe she / he would be good company for everyone.

sunsetsandboardwalks · 05/08/2024 20:37

TinkerTiger · 05/08/2024 20:34

Same. My mother wouldn't have been fretting about it either.

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Glad it's not just me, starting to feel like I was a very odd 17 year old Grin

All my friends went on family holidays at that age - it was just never something that was presented as any kind of option!

gertinthebackofthevan · 05/08/2024 20:38

Has she got a boyfriend she wants a free house with?

CointreauVersial · 05/08/2024 20:38

We had this, with DS, when he was a similar age. We eventually dragged/cajoled him along and he ruined the entire week for everyone, sulking and refusing to leave the holiday house. I wish we'd left him behind.

I think you should have a proper heart to heart with DD, say you will leave her at home but set out some clear ground rules around what she can do, looking after the house, no visitors, fire safety etc etc. Treat it as a test of her maturity. See if you can get a neighbour to check up on her, pop in a couple of times, or report back if these are any issues. Phone her twice a day. Maybe see if she can spend some of the week staying with a friend to break up the time alone.

You never know, she might rise to the occasion. Or she might have a last-minute attack of FOMO and come with you after all.

SwedishEdith · 05/08/2024 20:40

17 was the age both of mine stopped coming with us. Admittedly, they didn't leave it to the last minute to tell us. For both, it was a leap of trust a bit. But they had grown out of wanting to go on holiday with their family. Other than leaving the fridge open and not tidying up (which I'd take as to be expected) in what other ways is she not mature enough for this? How close is she to 18?

sleekcat · 05/08/2024 20:40

For a regular holiday I wouldn't make her go at 17.

However, to visit her grandparents, who she presumably sees infrequently, I would give her a hard time about not going. I pull my children up on this kind of thing and explain to them how their grandparents look forward to seeing them and that they are happy to accept gifts from them etc.

TinkerTiger · 05/08/2024 20:41

sunsetsandboardwalks · 05/08/2024 20:37

Glad it's not just me, starting to feel like I was a very odd 17 year old Grin

All my friends went on family holidays at that age - it was just never something that was presented as any kind of option!

Show quote history

And not only do I still have a great relationship with my mum, I now LOVE going on holiday with her 😂

TiroirSousLeMiroir · 05/08/2024 20:41

If she isn't confident in french, this is a chance to improve. Surely she speaks passable french - it sounds like a weak excuse. Pretty sad that she wants to skip seeing her grandparents. I'd try that tack as pp said, have her ring them to explain.

HappiestSleeping · 05/08/2024 20:41

In the nicest possible way @Joanfromnextdoor you have to ask yourself why she is unable to look after herself at 17. Maybe she is able to and you don't see it? I moved out when I was 17 precisely because my mum pissed me off trying to make me comply with what she thought I should do.

Maybe it is time to let go and let her make her own mistakes? Don't leave too much in the fridge, and if she doesn't close the door and it all goes off, she has to learn to deal with it.

FarmGirl78 · 05/08/2024 20:42

Joanfromnextdoor · 05/08/2024 20:12

@CreativeOriginalUsername she is half-French. We told her it’s the last holiday we’ll have spect her to come. Begging, pleading with her :(

Why are YOU begging and pleading with HER? And wanting to give in? Surely it should be the other way round, you TELL her she's going and then she begs and pleads? If you're so much of a push over you're asking your 17 yr old rather than telling her of your expectations that might the reason she's got to a point of only thinking of herself. It sounds easy enough to get her own way. Why should she think of anyone else?

Easipeelerie · 05/08/2024 20:42

Leave her at home and harass her about the fridge and everything else you’re worried about via notes and phone calls.
She’s obviously really panicked about the France idea. She would be in a state of high alert the whole time, needing to sit in her room, you constantly worried that she’s not happy. This is my daughter (slightly older) - me wanting to relax with the relatives but feeling I also need to keep a depressed young person entertained. It’s too difficult.
It will do her the world of good to know you’re going without her and she needs to look after herself, she might even then want to come to France next time.

Timeisnevertimeatall · 05/08/2024 20:42

Some of the posters clearly don't have an obstreperous teenager. It's all very well saying you'd force them to go but what does that look like in reality?
If it were me I'd leave her. If she can't look after herself now, she'll have to figure it out fast. If you've got a nice neighbour, give them a key and ask them to pop in intermittently.

Sayingitstraight · 05/08/2024 20:43

You don't trust her but at 17 she needs to learn to look after herself, I would leave her at home.

Clarinet1 · 05/08/2024 20:44

I was going to suggest considering taking a friend. It would be company for DD, someone she could perhaps go out for short trips with and, perhaps DD would not want to risk getting told off in front of the friend so she would toe the line!
OTOH, I think you could say that, if she dislikes France so much, she definitely doesn’t get the trip to Paris!

Chicaontour · 05/08/2024 20:45

While i have sympathy for you, you are being unreasonable if you did not raise her bilingual . Language is such an important part of culture and if she is not fluent than shes not going to be comfortable. Sorry not trying to twist the knife but it is on you id languagr is the reason she doesnt want to go

MrsSunshine2b · 05/08/2024 20:45

I'd expect a 17 yo to manage home alone (I moved out at that age) but as she's shown herself to be incapable of that, she has to go with you. Presumably you're the one paying for food/bills/privileges- if you tell her you're taking the wifi router with you and leaving the fridge empty, she won't have much choice.

Evenstar · 05/08/2024 20:45

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her to forfeit treats which were only given as an incentive to come on this family holiday. I think it sends a very poor message that her actions don’t have consequences.

I also think a short visit to grandparents is very little to expect as part of a family holiday. I have a French friend who always took her DC to visit her family at least once a year, they go independently now they are in their 20’s. I think people should try and imagine how they would feel if a DC moved abroad and they saw so little of their DGC

ChildlessCatLadiesRuleOK · 05/08/2024 20:46

Alwaysanotherwine · 05/08/2024 20:37

wow- cancel tickets and sell reading? there are some bullying parents on here that’s disgusting bribery/control

Edited

Nonsense. Expensive treats are a reward for good behaviour, not a right.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 05/08/2024 20:46

I would definitely stop the begging and pleading - say OK, you think it’s unbelievable shitty behaviour that she won’t got see her grandparents twice a year, but you accept she’s making that choice. But she can’t stay in the house alone and you refuse to let her cancel everyone else’s trip. She finds somewhere else to go for a week.

say on Friday (assuming that’s when you leave) you will be locking th house up with her outside of it, you will remove her keys, she can then get in the car with you or have a lift to whoever she’s arranged to stay with, but she has left it this late so she can make those plans, you don’t see why you should be calling in favours.

if she thinks she should be allowed to stay home alone say she’s failed to show she’s capable, if she’d pulled her weight around the house over the last 6 months you’d view it differently, but if this is what she wanted, it would have taken work on her behalf previously.

you and dh present a united front, she’s not coming with you, she’s not staying in the house alone, her job to sort something.

MaryShelley1818 · 05/08/2024 20:47

How can a 17yr old not be left at home for a week.
At 17 I was holidaying with friends!

BotDranning · 05/08/2024 20:49

She's 17 FFS. I'd left home at this stage. My DD had left home at this stage.

She is 17. Why wouldn't you just leave her? Tell her to close the fridge door and if she doesn't her issue. Stop treating her like a 7 year old.

Honestly if Labour have anything to do with it. 16 year old are sensible enough to vote and mjmsnet celebrates this.