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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

17 years old dd is refusing to come with us on holiday

593 replies

Joanfromnextdoor · 05/08/2024 20:05

Name change here as I don’t want to be recognised with my other threads.

We are due to travel to France this weekend and stay for a week. We are going to see my parents for the weekend (they are french) and go for a few days in Normandy. Dd is now refusing to go, saying she hates it there, she is not confident at all with her french (my fault). We went at Christmas last year for the first time in at least 10 years and she said she hated it, felt depressed there.

I think Covid didn’t help at all as we didn’t go to France for 2 years and she has a massive blockage about going.

I have pleaded with her..and she reluctantly said yes she was coming but then changed her mind again. I got her a ticket to Reading to see her favourite artist, I booked for the 2 of us to go to Paris in December as she really wanted to go to find a compromise with her.

I can’t leave her because she is not matured enough, I don’t trust her, she would be the kind to not close the fridge properly, leave rubbish everywhere, she refuses to do anything pretty much.

We have no family that could help us.

We have a 20 years old daughter who really wants to go, we can’t cancel the holiday.

AIBU to lose my shit with her ?? What would you do ?

OP posts:
MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 05/08/2024 21:00

I went on holiday abroad with friends of the same age at 17, if she can't look after herself for a week something has gone horribly wrong.
I'm all for leaving her tbh and telling her grandparents she's not there because she's rude and selfish. Don't fill the fridge, she either cleans after herself or will pay for a cleaner (birthday money or allowance will do if she doesn't have a job -feels unlikely) and of course there will be no Reading and no Paris trip

Vettrianofan · 05/08/2024 21:01

I didn't go to Zante with my 14yo brother and my parents years ago when I was 17. I stayed to work my part time job. My neighbour kept an eye on me.

Could you do that?

Bearbookagainandagain · 05/08/2024 21:02

She should come to your parents but be free to come back home after.

I can't understand how you wouldn't leave a 17yo alone at home for a few days. Mature or not she will be an adult in a few months, she can't be supervised at all time. If she leaves the fridge open then be it, she will remember to close it next time.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 05/08/2024 21:03

helpfulperson · 05/08/2024 20:56

Am I reading this right - last Christmas was the first time she had visited in at least 10 years? So she hadn't seen her Grandparents in 10 years? So she is expected to visit people she hardly knows who don't speak the same language as her. I don't think I'd be wanting to go. The family ties obviously aren't strong.

No I think it was the first time in 10 years they had gone for Christmas, but other than 2 years for covid, they go every summer.

samarrange · 05/08/2024 21:03

helpfulperson · 05/08/2024 20:56

Am I reading this right - last Christmas was the first time she had visited in at least 10 years? So she hadn't seen her Grandparents in 10 years? So she is expected to visit people she hardly knows who don't speak the same language as her. I don't think I'd be wanting to go. The family ties obviously aren't strong.

It seems ambiguous to me. OP wrote "We went at Christmas last year for the first time in at least 10 years", which could mean "We went last year for the first time in 10 years, and it happened to be at Christmas", or "We went at Christmas last year, which was the first time we'd been at Christmas in at least 10 years". The first of those seems more likely, except that maybe DD's behaviour spoiling Christmas specifically was extra memorable. Only @Joanfromnextdoor can tell us, I think.

Nosleepforthismum · 05/08/2024 21:04

Considering she’ll legally be an adult next year I wouldn’t think twice about leaving her home. If I felt she was being particularly ungrateful I’d probably warn her that you’ll do a basic shop with no treats but that’ll be all you are planning to provide.

Runnerinthenight · 05/08/2024 21:06

Alwaysanotherwine · 05/08/2024 20:27

staying with grandparents in france who don’t speak english is not a holiday and i wouldn’t force my teens, no way

leave her at home. I wouldn’t even organise that as a family holiday - that’s a visit to family not a holiday

What a lot of nonsense! They're her grandparents and probably looking forward to seeing her. She's complaining about her level of French? A week in France is ideal to help with that.

I used to wish I had a French granny! Why can't a visit to family and a holiday be one and the same thing?!

Runnerinthenight · 05/08/2024 21:07

Alwaysanotherwine · 05/08/2024 20:29

wow who on earth would sell her reading ticket?! she’s not forcing you to go there is she? family holidays have always been a family decision in our house even when little they had their opinion

That's a tad too democratic! Sometimes the parents need to be in charge!

sanityisamyth · 05/08/2024 21:08

Jesus. I was left at home all day when I was 10 with a psychotic 8 year old and a 4 year old to stop the 8 year old from killing look after. I had to provide breakfast, lunch and supper whilst my mother was out at work for 13 hours. Why can't a 17 year old cope on their own?!

Wannabedisneyprincess · 05/08/2024 21:08

Leave her at home on the condition she will look after the house and that she can be a grown up, if the house is trashed when you get back, don’t give her the reading ticket to teach her some responsibility

BreatheAndFocus · 05/08/2024 21:09

She won’t go for one week? She’s selfish and sounds spoilt. Don’t lose your temper with her, but calmly explain it’s only 7 days; her grandparents want to see her (and how would she feel if she had grandchildren in the future and they didn’t want to be arsed to see her? It’s cruel and nasty); no-one honestly gives a shit if she can speak French or not; she is upsetting her sister and ruining a family trip when next year she’ll have the option to come or not.

Tell her that you bought the Reading tickets on the understanding she’d make the effort for this, and likewise the Paris trip.

justasking111 · 05/08/2024 21:11

Harrumphhhh · 05/08/2024 20:09

So she leaves the fridge open and rubbish around? Is that really so bad?

Either she goes with you, or she fends for herself. Her choice.

This.

Newbutoldfather · 05/08/2024 21:13

I think you give her a simple choice.

Come or stay. If she wants to stay and you don’t trust her to look after it, ask her to find a friend or relative to stay with.

You really can’t make a 17 year old go and everyone would have a miserable holiday.

BreatheAndFocus · 05/08/2024 21:16

Ooh, yes! A relative to supervise her! Tell her she comes or Boring Tedious Relative will be coming to supervise her 24/7 if she stays home.

TiroirSousLeMiroir · 05/08/2024 21:18

babbi · 05/08/2024 20:51

Agree with this statement.(I’m multilingual)
You have unfortunately allowed this situation to develop .
You should have spoken in your native tongue to your daughter from day 1 to facilitate the relationship between your daughter and your parents.

please try to correct this asap to let them communicate and develop a relationship

Show quote history

Whilst this is true, we don't all become fluent in the language of everywhere we go on holiday! I wouldn't lay all the blame at the OP's door like that.

SoreAndTired1 · 05/08/2024 21:18

She's 17, an age where many are away at uni or working, she is far too old to be dragged on holiday with her parents! Unless she has some learning or cognitive issues, I think you are blowing your worries out of proportion. She wants the house to herself, she's 17, leave her alone. Let her be. You'll probably find that she'll pleasantly surprise you with how she copes.
This is the problem I find with the UK, they moddycoddle children so they are never left alone until they are well into adults. They never get the chance to grow, because they are never given that chance. Let her be. You can't force her. Give her that chance, she'll pleasantly surprise you, you'll see.

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 05/08/2024 21:19

You really can’t just tell a 17 year old what to do. Parenting at this age is about negotiation. No wonder so many teens rebel. She is old enough to drive, to have sex, to leave home. If she wants to stay then let her.

livlaffluv · 05/08/2024 21:19

At 17 I stayed at home once when my parents went on holiday, I also went away with friends. It’s concerning if a seventeen-year-old can’t live independently for a few days.

You can’t really force her to go but tbh I would find it a bit upsetting that she has no interest in seeing her grandparents. I would understand more if seeing them wasn’t a part of it.

Lifeinlists · 05/08/2024 21:19

I can't think why you're even having this battle. She'll be a pain if you make her go so good luck with that one.
Give her a list of house rules and let her get on with it. The world won't end if she leaves the fridge open and is untidy. She might even grow up a tiny bit.

Maybe all the people saying you should make her go possibly haven't had the joy of a holiday ruined by a surly, uncooperative teen.

TiroirSousLeMiroir · 05/08/2024 21:20

samarrange · 05/08/2024 21:03

It seems ambiguous to me. OP wrote "We went at Christmas last year for the first time in at least 10 years", which could mean "We went last year for the first time in 10 years, and it happened to be at Christmas", or "We went at Christmas last year, which was the first time we'd been at Christmas in at least 10 years". The first of those seems more likely, except that maybe DD's behaviour spoiling Christmas specifically was extra memorable. Only @Joanfromnextdoor can tell us, I think.

Show quote history

It's the second one, because she then said that the pandemic meant they couldn't go at all for two years.
It was the first Christmas in 10 years they had spent there.

To be fair a Christmas without Slade would be difficult ;-)

Muchtoomuchtodo · 05/08/2024 21:20

Could she just visit the GPs for the weekend with you all and then head home while you and your dd enjoy the rest of the holiday?

museumum · 05/08/2024 21:20

I wont force my ds to come on holiday with us at 17 - he can stay home if I can trust him at home otherwise he can go elsewhere.
But - this isn’t just a holiday it’s a family visit. I’d be gutted if he refused to see his grandparents on either side at that age.

LizzieBennett73 · 05/08/2024 21:20

We left our eldest at home from about 16/17 onwards - she didn't want to come and she would just have made everyone else's holiday a misery! She was allowed a very trusted friend to stay, I left food and a small amount of cash and I warned the neighbours each side/gave them our mobile numbers in case of problems.

Funny thing is that she really missed us each time! And now she's an adult, she expects to bring her own family on our holidays Grin

Rainbow1901 · 05/08/2024 21:21

If she won't do this seemingly last family holiday then do nothing for her. But don't let her spoil your enjoyment of seeing your parents.

Cancel the treats. Stop doing her laundry and everything else that makes her life pleasant. If you pay for her phone put her on notice that she pays the contract when it runs out. Certainly don't shop for her before you go - if you leave her behind. Life is going to be a whole lot harder so get used to it.

She needs a bit of tough love - if the milk goes off - too bad! It's her problem. Stop being so desperate for her to come away with you and resorting to bribery to appease her. She won't do Normandy but will do Paris! I don't think so!

Gogogo12345 · 05/08/2024 21:21

MrsSunshine2b · 05/08/2024 20:45

I'd expect a 17 yo to manage home alone (I moved out at that age) but as she's shown herself to be incapable of that, she has to go with you. Presumably you're the one paying for food/bills/privileges- if you tell her you're taking the wifi router with you and leaving the fridge empty, she won't have much choice.

Has she shown herself to be incapable though? Seems like she's never been left to prove she can cope.