17 years old dd is refusing to come with us on holiday

[Joanfromnextdoor]

Name change here as I don’t want to be recognised with my other threads.

We are due to travel to France this weekend and stay for a week. We are going to see my parents for the weekend (they are french) and go for a few days in Normandy. Dd is now refusing to go, saying she hates it there, she is not confident at all with her french (my fault). We went at Christmas last year for the first time in at least 10 years and she said she hated it, felt depressed there.

I think Covid didn’t help at all as we didn’t go to France for 2 years and she has a massive blockage about going.

I have pleaded with her..and she reluctantly said yes she was coming but then changed her mind again. I got her a ticket to Reading to see her favourite artist, I booked for the 2 of us to go to Paris in December as she really wanted to go to find a compromise with her.

I can’t leave her because she is not matured enough, I don’t trust her, she would be the kind to not close the fridge properly, leave rubbish everywhere, she refuses to do anything pretty much.

We have no family that could help us.

We have a 20 years old daughter who really wants to go, we can’t cancel the holiday.

AIBU to lose my shit with her ?? What would you do ?

Legally allowed to be married in a year and can't fend for herself?
Add this to the 'expect to be taken care of' generation. (Sorry)

How exactly do you force a 17 year old to come @Maray1967 ? I swear people on here think they are talking about a 7 year old they can physically pick up and restrain. How would you physically made basically an adult physically go anywhere? People are being ridiculous with that.

It sounds more like the mum and dad who want it all their own way.... They forget they have basically an adult living with them, and her wishes and boundaries should be respected too. Parents can't think only of themselves. It's not all about them anymore. Though many, and on here, seem to think it is and they can steamroll over the needs, rights and feelings of their children. Your son sounds like he is battling the same parenthood style.

Regardless, if you read the OP's posts on this thread, things have moved on and her poor daughter has sever anxiety and depression. The OP has only posted 7 times in this thread. If you click on "See all" at the bottom of their first post, it will show you all the OPs posts only, and no one else's, here is the link: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5135472-17-years-old-dd-is-refusing-to-come-with-us-on-holiday?postsby=Joanfromnextdoor

@greengreyblue Yeah?....nah. You can't physically force a 17 year old, that's just not rational. Are you going to physically lift what is basically an adult woman and push her on the plane? They forget they have basically an adult living with them, and her wishes and boundaries should be respected too. Parents can't think only of themselves. It's not all about them anymore. Though many, and on here, seem to think it is and they can steamroll over the needs, rights and feelings of their children.

Regardless, if you read the OP's posts on this thread, things have moved on and her poor daughter has severe anxiety and depression. The OP has only posted 7 times in this thread. If you click on "See all" at the bottom of their first post, it will show you all the OPs posts only, and no one else's, here is the link: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5135472-17-years-old-dd-is-refusing-to-come-with-us-on-holiday?postsby=Joanfromnextdoor

A change of scenery might help

No, no, no! What am I reading? You are completely naive! I'm shocked that you don't understand that the worst thing possible for her right now is to be taken on a trip she is not comfortable with. That is the very LAST thing she needs. It's not a easy as you think, you don't have any idea. Taking her away now will cause her to have a massive breakdown. Please, read the room.

She's on her phone in her room and going to bed at insane o'clock. Your response is not helping or practical to the situation.

Why can't she stay at home she is months short of being an adult. Make her call her Grandparents to let them know she can't be arsed going. Put food in the fridge and leave her with £10. Tell her any damage to the house she has to pay for. Then go and see your parents. Oh and cancel Paris and sell the Reading festival tickets.

@SoreAndTired1 Staying in her room on her phone watching and reading social media will help. Honestly if she was my child she would be forced out to get a job. It costs money to charge up her phone, food she eats, water she uses and heating to heat herself. Social media is a curse for people to behave badly.

She can go and get a room if she doesn't like where she lives. If she doesn't like following rules then she has an option she can move out. Sorry she needs to leave her free room and get a job and then find somewhere to live and pay for it.

*Parenting comes with sacrifice. Kids can and do spoil things - that's life.

I'd talk to her and say she must come but if she doesn't want to do anything she doesn't have to. She can just chill if she wants.*

Wrong idea! Parenting comes with a sacrifice and one of that is putting the wants, needs and boundaries of your child first, and sacrificing a holiday. The parent needs to reschedule. She CAN'T go on the holiday. It's as simple as that. Her daughter comes first. Not the parents selfishness.

And with the severe depression and anxiety, the daughter is not in a fit state to go anywhere, anyway.

Yes I did thst when I was depressed and I was an adult not a 17 year old.

These responses are from parents I can't believe it.

Many women on here say you can't possibly know love until you've loved a child. Or my favourite "as a mother" I know what heart ache they must be feeling re any situation involving children.

If its an all consuming love why are so many mothers so fucking heartless?!

You've gone on to say she should be thrown out for not following rules. She is a child for christ sake who's struggling and needs support.

Because she is DEPRESSED! It is not as easy as taking phone away from her. You have no idea. It's not that simple. You are not helping.

At 16 I went abroad, early 90's 17 ? 😂 stop this nonsense. They are not little children. Good grief

*If its an all consuming love why are so many mothers so fucking heartless?!

You've gone on to say she should be thrown out for not following rules. She is a child for christ sake who's struggling and needs support.*

Yes, I cannot believe some of these responses are from parents. Parents who are this selfish have no business being parents. When you're a parent it's not all about you anymore. You have a 17 year old here, basically an adult, who is a person and human being in her own right. With her own hopes, wishes, needs and boundaries. Her view must be accepted and respected, not a selfish parent steamrolling over this human being just because they 'can'. Selfish parents ('it's my way or the highway' and 'becasuse I say so that's why') create selfish adults. It's as vicious cycle. It can be broken by respected that a 17 year old is a human being in her own right, not a toy, a pet or your personal accessory.

OP do try and change both your diets.

if it’s in the house it’s so tempting.

There’s something called the gut-brain axis and what we eat truly does affect how we feel.

She needs:

1. plenty of protein to feel full so every day a meal with a good portion, this can be lean meats, fish, eggs, tofu, beans, lentils, pulses, low fat yogurt
2. plenty of good fats: salmon once a week, ideally another fatty fish once a week, walnuts, almonds, and all the other nuts and seeds. Walnuts are particularly good for brain health and have ALA in them. swap out unhealthy snacks like crisps and biscuits for these. Dark chocolate only 70% and higher
3. Big bowl of salad at lunch with extra virgin olive oil. It’s anti inflammatory and changes your microbiome for the better. Big bowl of veggies at dinner, to go alongside whatever protein you’re eating
4. Low fat Greek yogurt with honey and berries for desert

Of course add carbs in. Porridge would be good for breakfast as long as it’s got plenty of nuts for the protein with it.

Protein makes you feel full.

Get her up earlier and out for a walk within 2 hours of waking. Natural light resets the brain’s circuits and has been shown to decrease depression.

join a low cost gym.

honestly she may not need medication if you follow through.

counselling yes because we all need counselling.

maybe look at the Zoe nutrition program

Leave her home. She wants to act like that then let her. Lock any valuables up incase she has a house party. Turn the WiFi off. Take the router. Don't buy in any special snacks or nice things but make sure there's sufficient in her for her to make herself her meals.
Cancel the ticket for the gig
Cancel the holiday in Paris.

Two can play at that game.

17 is still young but it's old enough to be able to be left safely (or it should be) and if she's not prepared to put herself out then I wouldn't be putting myself out either.

I wanted to say something on this but wondered how it would be received.

Why is it all on the OP and her children to do the visiting? why can't the OPs parents visit? Also, according to the OP, her parents never even bothered to learn English. English is the universal language (considering all flight commands, Naval etc are all in English, no matter what country you are in) and I am sure English must be taught at French schools or adult classes? OP's parents have had at 18/18 years, why is it they never bothered to learn the language to communicate with their grandchildren? Why? Why did they never bother to attempt to learn even basic conversational skills in English? They're the grandparents, and they never even bothered to learn to communicate with their grandchildren in their native language?

I find it all so one-sided.

I think this is why teenagers are such arse these day. No independence at all. I had a job and was living independently at 17, my colleague had a son and was studying for Alevels. Set them free!!

In this case, @C1N1C , it's the parents mollycoddling the late teen and not even ALLOWING them to have independence. It's the parenting at fault here, not the child who has no say in the matter. FFS I am only 47 so not 70 or anything like that, but our latch key generation were getting dinner (yes, oven and all!) started at 12. These days kids can't even boil a fuqken by the time they leave for uni (I remember a post on here a few years back by a parent that was worried their 16 or 17 year old would 'boil the water too much and set the house on fire')!!
Parents have stopped doing their job and teaching independence. Its not the kids 'expecting to be taken care of' generation, it's the mollycoddling parents who won't even allow their children to develop and grow generation. It is the parent forced Arrested Development generation. It's basically parental neglect.

#These days kids can't even boil a fuqken egg that should have read.

Jesus Christ! 🙄

Please read the OP's updates before posting a list of punishments to dole out to a depressed teen!!!!

The last thing the OP's DD needs is to be left on her own for a week with no means to contact friends and family, no money and nothing to look forward to.

I agree with pp that the nasty posts are from women who must have never parented a teen, let alone a depressed and anxious teen.

I would tell her she's going and that's it, it's not just a holiday she'll be visiting her grandparents too and they'll be disappointed not to see her

@dbeuowlxb173939 Yeah?....nah. You can't physically force a 17 year old, that's just not rational. Are you going to physically lift what is basically an adult woman and push her on the plane? They forget they have basically an adult living with them, and her wishes and boundaries should be respected too. Parents can't think only of themselves. It's not all about them anymore. Though many, and on here, seem to think it is and they can steamroll over the needs, rights and feelings of their children.

Regardless, if you read the OP's posts on this thread, things have moved on and her poor daughter has severe anxiety and depression. The OP has only posted 7 times in this thread. If you click on "See all" at the bottom of their first post, it will show you all the OPs posts only, and no one else's, here is the link: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5135472-17-years-old-dd-is-refusing-to-come-with-us-on-holiday?postsby=Joanfromnextdoor

Maybe what she needs is a two weeks intensive French course, maybe staying with a “host family” followed by weekly lessons to get her language skills back to an acceptable level. Bi lingualism is a a great gift to a young person.

She's 17. Leave her at home. She'd only be miserable and spoil it for everyone else.