My silly comment blew up wider family now dh miserable

[Allwelcone]

So my neice is British/dual national with my sil's country, never lived in UK but loves our culture a lot and bigs up her British-ness at school apparently, which is in a third country.

Over on a recent UK visit, dn made a very British pudding but didn't try any of it as didn't like it (it was a crumble type pud) I said "Oh go on try a bit, I thought you aspired to be British!" This was met with gasps from my teen kids and I said "sorry I've been brought to book there".

My sil has raised it as a big issue and its been used as ammo for them to hate on us basically.

My dh is very unhappy, not sure what I can do? Apologise? Leave it? Back story is sil doesn't seem to like bils family and always seems really sad to be in UK. we do try (e.g lending them our car, lots of hosting, being 100% careful all the time not to offend) but we have never bonded.
Advice appreciated.

Don't bother with her op. I bet she doesn't try to understand your culture.

This is what OP said:

yes and I did admit I had been brought to book in public if you see the OP.
Weirdly in my culture it's considered rude to refuse a dish offered to you so that's a clash there (you just hide it under your spoon or accidentally drop it, have a tiny bit etc).
My sil used to be awful to my mil actually, no chances given. Maybe our family is just not right for her. I'm not sure what conflict has been caused but there is some, I guess it's being used as a reason to not come so much, dh took bil to task about not doing enough with mil.

*She is British. Whether you think so or not.

That's why what you said was offensive.*

The kid has never lived in the UK though. I think "has a British passport" would be a more accurate description.

I guess we need OP to confirm her culture to be sure but it’s not British culture to refuse a dish offered. Ever.

Yeah I could see it being taken in that way too.

OP, you seem a bit slow to properly understand the mistake that you've made. Do you think a lack of sensitivity and cultural awareness might be at the heart of your problems with SIL?

If she has a British passport, she is British.

In the time you have been on this thread OP you could have just apologised to your niece. Your children called you on it. You need to apologise. All this ‘I don’t get it’ is either a wind up OR yes, you are racist.

Oh interesting. I suppose I'm so down about it all and have been for years because my sil has been so cold to me. Yes I do think she thinks I'm racist. Maybe I have some awful attitudes, I will have a think
Yes I do need to apologise.

You are racist. You think you’re better than them.

OP only a British person would make that comment 😂. SUCH a British thing to do

She sounds like hard work!

I know many people with British and Irish passports who would say they are Irish and would be offended to be told they were in fact British.

You are racist. You think you’re better than them.

This just utterly undermines genuine racism, and is a shitty, unpleasant thing to say to the OP.

Hi @Allwelcone,

I'm really sorry this happened to you. I have a similar family thing and it is very hard to get things working. The fact that there are cultural differences, historical issues and that they live abroad means that we never ever manage to get on good terms. Everybody is always on a hair trigger to get offended. It's really awkward.

The irony is that when people from another country are looking out for people being disrespectful, then they tend to see it when it isn't even there. Then they isolate themselves, and lose the chance to learn that they were actually loved and respected just as much as everyone else.

Good luck with it.

I'm a dual passport holder too. I would not have found that remotely offensive. I didn't spend my childhood or early adult years in the UK so clearly there's a cultural difference between me and people who grew up here.

Technically, if they choose to hold a British passport, then they are in fact British. As well as being Irish. They aren't required to retain a British passport if they don't want to.

Of course, it's completely fine if they choose not to identify as British because that's a personal choice. But it would not be appropriate for anyone else to decide how they should identify.

I hope the apology goes well.

No they would categorically say they were not British. They hold Irish passports and are technically Irish (as well as identifying as Irish).

Good lord...you acted like a proper twat.

There's obviously a culture class about the refusing food.

Why do you think that they should do it your way Op & take food that they don't want?

... And has a British father, British grandparents, British cousins, aunts, uncles. Half her entire family is British including the man who is raising her, one of the closest people in the world to her.

It's not like she randomly has the citizenship due to some fluke. It's half of where she came from. The passport is hardly the important part.

Even if you want to say 'half British' you must see that she has a very intimate personal connection to the UK. She's not faking Britishness.

Have you heard of Google, by any chance?

Agree.

Considering she has brought it up and her SIL refusing strawberries as a reason she is upset with SIL, clarification is necessary and even then if OP is British, she has her own personal view of what is British and is seemingly using it against her dn.

I still don’t see why she thought it was necessary to even make a comment to her dn and bringing nationality into it.

This comes up with mixed race kids a lot. They are made to feel like they are half X or Y, and not quite X or Y. Literature I have read suggests it's much better to call children both X and Y. So, for example, you are English and Korean rather than you are half English and half Korean, or in other words you are a full accepted individual and not an incomplete English person or Korean person somehow deficient and an outsider.

Apologize from the bottom of your heart, reinforce the childs identity as English, and keep this in mind in future.

There's always one looking to be offended.🙄