My silly comment blew up wider family now dh miserable

[Allwelcone]

So my neice is British/dual national with my sil's country, never lived in UK but loves our culture a lot and bigs up her British-ness at school apparently, which is in a third country.

Over on a recent UK visit, dn made a very British pudding but didn't try any of it as didn't like it (it was a crumble type pud) I said "Oh go on try a bit, I thought you aspired to be British!" This was met with gasps from my teen kids and I said "sorry I've been brought to book there".

My sil has raised it as a big issue and its been used as ammo for them to hate on us basically.

My dh is very unhappy, not sure what I can do? Apologise? Leave it? Back story is sil doesn't seem to like bils family and always seems really sad to be in UK. we do try (e.g lending them our car, lots of hosting, being 100% careful all the time not to offend) but we have never bonded.
Advice appreciated.

She has been raised by a British parent. She is British; op said something very offensive to her.

Allwelcome, It’s pretty obvious to me that you had no deliberate intent to offend or be racist, on the contrary it sounds like it was simply a tongue in cheek remark which was meant to be amusing and has been blown out of all proportion by others. It seems we have to watch what we say around anyone these days for fear of offending, which you’ve mentioned already in saying ‘being 100% careful all the time not to offend’. How uncomfortable for you, treading on eggshells invariably causes one to say the ‘wrong thing’.
People need to start being comfortable in there own skin (and incidentally that’s a term of phrase before anyone starts the racism rant again, it does not refer to skin colour) and stop looking to be offended.
I would apologise that she found your comment offensive, but I would take no responsibility for the racism label when clearly you were not being racist, then simply move on and leave them to it because it’s been blown out of all proportion.

Well, that's fine then. If they feel that strongly about it, I'm not entirely sure why they would bother holding on to British passports, but it's totally their choice as to how they describe themselves, as I stated in my post above.

It still doesn't change the fact that, technically, if they hold British passports, they are British as well. Of course I wouldn't be idiot enough to make a point of telling them that if they didn't want to identify in that way, but it doesn't change the facts.

Fuss over nothing. You made a thoughtless comment and apologised. Everyone needs to move on.

It wasn’t necessary. It was designed to make her niece feel crap.

Your SIL is having a rough time in the USA which is awful for her. I'd apologize.

I really think the OP's family have over reacted hugely and are being very over sensitive. I don't see any news for an apology.

Op hasn't apologised!

I would just apologise and say you meant it as a joke and dn likes british things but didn't want to try the pudding, you realise you put your foot in your mouth but it wasn't meant with any malice.

Without knowing all the nationalities involved, it is perfectly possible that the cultures in play are just clashing. What’s polite in one is rude in another. If this has been ongoing for a few years, there will be history that can’t all be put on OP’s post.

Unless both people involved are willing to understand each others cultures then insult will be found..

My Fil was from a different culture - and mostly they were fabulous. But there were times when their cultural expectations did not match mine and it was tricky to find a way through. Difference being we both wanted to. I’m not sure the SIL in OP’s case does. OP sounds as though she is trying - even if not always being perfect.

How ridiculous this thread is, and of course posters are all falling over themselves claiming that they gasped.

I'm mixed race and would not care about something so inane. Life must be very boring and miserable going around being offended at every single sentence that you analyse over a microscope. So, so dreary.

It's very easy to tell who has bad intentions behind things, and people who don't. OP did not.

Initially you said If she has a British passport, she is British.
Now you have concurred if they hold British passports, they are British as well.

Your two sentences are saying two different things.

This is an example of how easy it is to state something that can be interpreted as offensive to the recipient.

Aren't you a bundle of fecking joy? I've never heard of it & thought it was a typo/ someone may give it context. It's certainly not Standard English or grammatically correct. Bloody thread police.

As you were, all.

The same could be said about OP and her issue with SIL not having strawberries at her house and with how her dn views her own Britishness.

It's certainly not Standard English or grammatically correct.

I think it's both isn't it?

Few theatrical offended on here as per.

Op, imo you did nothing wrong. At worst, clumsy. I would stop pandering to SIL too.

There is literally no contradiction between those two statements. Do you not understand how dual nationality works?

Saying that someone is British does not preclude them being something else as well. That's irrelevant. You are no less British by virtue of having a second or indeed third nationality.

As for being offensive, the material point in this situation is that the DN has a British passport and she clearly identifies as being British, so there is no question over whether or not she is British. The identity of your Irish friends is irrelevant because they identity differently.

I mean, it's a pretty offensive thing to say and i can understand why she's upset.

In your initial post you said 'She is British'. Then you wrote 'She is British as well'. You are now falling over yourself to say that is what you meant to write initially except it isn't what you wrote.

Oh wow. Almost this exact thing happened to me almost 20 years ago!

Dad is Irish. Mom is from the Philippines. I grew up in a 'third' country, i.e. country neither of them are from. So the only thing I had to cling on to was my parents countries, and was/am really proud of being from both places.

One of my Dad's cousins made a very similar comment in a convo about food when I said I wasn't mad about Irish stew. Her exact words were "you'll never be a real Irish woman if you don't like stew". It was just a throwaway comment to her, and maybe it seems silly to some, but God it really broke my heart.

I lived in Ireland for university and a good chunk of my twenties, and I loved it. I had people say racist stuff to me on occasion, but nothing ever hurt as badly as knowing that my own family would never truly consider me 'one of them'. Feel so sad for your niece.

I have Irish parents and an Irish passport. I was born in England and have lived here all my life, but if someone asked my ethnicity I'd say Irish.

If an Irish person from Ireland (relative or not) made a comment indicating that they didn't think of me as Irish, I wouldn't be offended in the slightest. There is a difference, in culture and experience. I can see their perspective

If your niece's feelings were hurt, it'd be kind to apologise for upsetting her, but it all seems like a storm in a teacup. Definitely not a serious issue.

Sounds like you're making way to much effort with your SIL & it's not being reciprocated AT ALL. I'd stop making any effort tbh, you're wasting your time & energy. If she has no interest in a relationship with you, to feck with her, and no way in hell I'd lend her my car.

Her immediate family are looking for trouble. You haven't done anything wrong.

FFS, what is your problem?

She is British. In the context of this thread, that is literally all that matters, and that is exactly what I intended to write.

Obviously, as a dual national, she is something else as well, but that is not at issue here. We have known from the outset that the child is a dual national, and most of us understand how that works, so there was no need to keep referencing it.

I'm sure you think you're terribly clever but you're just getting stuck on a complete irrelevance.

My sister married into an African family. None of them would be offended at all by this? And in return the African side of the family (we see the parents and siblings of the spouse frequently), laugh at our inability to eat jolof rice if it's too spicy. Hardly a big deal, is it?

I suppose if they're offended, they're offended, and people's feelings can't be wrong. But they do sound like hard work to me. If they're just in-laws, and you don't have to see them very often, I'd probably just apologise to keep the peace, and then let your husband do the hosting when they're about 🤷‍♀️