My silly comment blew up wider family now dh miserable

[Allwelcone]

So my neice is British/dual national with my sil's country, never lived in UK but loves our culture a lot and bigs up her British-ness at school apparently, which is in a third country.

Over on a recent UK visit, dn made a very British pudding but didn't try any of it as didn't like it (it was a crumble type pud) I said "Oh go on try a bit, I thought you aspired to be British!" This was met with gasps from my teen kids and I said "sorry I've been brought to book there".

My sil has raised it as a big issue and its been used as ammo for them to hate on us basically.

My dh is very unhappy, not sure what I can do? Apologise? Leave it? Back story is sil doesn't seem to like bils family and always seems really sad to be in UK. we do try (e.g lending them our car, lots of hosting, being 100% careful all the time not to offend) but we have never bonded.
Advice appreciated.

What is genuine racism? Abd is op displaying non genuine racism as opposed to that?
Her comment was racist. Many of her other comments hinted a pretty ignorant if not racist attitude towards Sil and the niece. You dont need to be burning mosques to be racist.

Your comment conveyed that you think she is inferior by birth. It's the word "aspire" that comes across as offensive, whether you meant to be or not.

No - it's telling a British person that they are not "British" enough if they don't like crumble ... or fish& chips or a pint of bitter.

I understand OP made it as a daft throw away comment but when you live as a dual national both sides often love to bash you for non-conformity to their perceived cultural norms.

I think the fact the OP’s children gasped rather than saw it as banter makes me think that the children were thinking along the lines of ‘oh no mum’s being a bit racist again, this is so embarrassing’. Also the husband seems disproportionately upset if this was a one off ill-judged comment, so coupled with the OP’s generally un-self aware comments on this thread, I feel like the sister in law and niece would have a very different tale than the OP’s and have probably had to put up with these kinds of comments from the OP for years and have now reached breaking point.

Why do they bother with the British passport if they'd be "offended" to be called British? I assume your friends are from NI?

I think a genuine racist is someone who doesn't like another race. Someone who lacks understanding or struggles to communicate might come across as racist. My autistic sons best friend is from Africa He's genuinely interested in his different way of life and hisp looks. He spoke to his african friend about his 'bushy hair' and asked to feel it, said its really soft and bouncy like a cloud. Then they moved on - they're both teens and commenting on a black person's hair like that could automatically be called racist but it wasn't.

And you’re extremely unpleasant. Op hasn’t said anything to suggest suggest a vile response.

Many of my Indian friends big up their culture and seem to love it if we join in. I feel very awkward joining in as I know very little about true Indian culture and would not want to offend.

But op is not an autistic teen and the situation is totally different.
She is a (I suspect) educated adult who made a number of pretty racist comments. She may not even realise she was racist, it could be even subconscious bias that many people show without even realising, that does not mean it is ok. It still is what it is.

Why do you assume they are from NI?

Yes she has. Multiple things.

Jeeeez 😵‍💫 this post makes my head hurt 🤯
OP, stop beating yourself up. You sound like a lovely, kind, non confrontational person.
Your SIL on the other hand sounds like a twat that’s been spoiling for a fight and whatever you have said she has taken as a gift and has run with it.
If you love your niece and you’re genuinely worried that you MAY have offended her; ask her. If she says “Yes” she was a bit pissed off, apologise, try to explain your intention and hug it out.
Let your SIL get on with being offended 🙄
As for DH, he should know you better than anyone and know you have not intended to offend anyone.
Life’s too short for worrying about what people think.
💐

It's a shame. All you can do is apologise. I think I can see why they found it a bit insensitive. But not enough to fall out with you in a serious way.

People in NI are entitled to hold both Irish and British passports as per the good Friday agreement

You keep putting all this on SIL but your own children reacted to what you said immediately. Have you asked THEM why they found what you said bad? Why is all this about your evil SIL when your whole family is upset by what you said? You want to know how it could be seen as bad, start by asking your own children. Then apologize to dn, sil and bil.

Based on OP’s family reaction it sounds as though OP did cause offence.

It’s not about walking on eggshells, it’s about conversations being lifted to a place where people feel valued.

I hold three nationalities. British, German and the South American country I come from. And I'm white, by the way (by European standards). For all these reasons, I'm sensitive to colonisers being... colonisers. And the "aspiring" comment was exactly that, in my view.

You othered your half-British DN to the point your own DC gasped.

You were offensive and rude, and instead of making silly jokes you should have apologised.

Yes, sounds like there's a bit more to this story.
Would like to hear their side as well.

It's not even correct to say she's "half-British". She's 100% British and 100% her other nationality. She may feel more connected to one than the other, but she's not any less the other.

You wouldn't say to your own children that they "aspire to be British" because you know that wouldn't make sense as they are British. Well, it's the same for your niece. All you've done is reveal to everyone that you don't believe your niece is British.

You know what, OP, there are people who look - actually look - for ways to become offended.
They walk around with their noses out of joint and sometimes it takes them years to get over one tiny little slight that they’ve imagined you’ve made.
It’s exhausting, and you can either play along or rise above it and ignore it.
It’s just games - it’s their games, their rules that they make up as they go along.
Take my advice: Don’t fall for it because you’ll never win playing their games. Ever.
Ignore her and ignore her petty games.
You’ll be a far happier woman for it.

It is the "aspired to be British" that jumped out at me. Like to be British is something better, more worthy. It has such Colonian overtones. I think it is really offensive and very revealing about the OP's attitude. Maybe you didn't mean to be offensive OP, but in your own words "I have blundered so much with SIL" , which makes me think your remark was just the latest in a long line of similar, casually offensive comments. You need to reflect on why you keep making these "blunders". At the very least you seem culturally insensitive. And by the way it doesn't matter if it was your niece or your SIL who was offended. Even your own children realised the inference straight away, yet you still don't seem to get it.

It is both Standard English AND grammatically correct, actually! As are all idioms.

In what way are you often blundering?

I’d not be too reassured by the responses of the ‘everyone’s looking to be offended’ types. There’s a reason they’re constantly encountering people calling them racist……

What is genuine racism? Abd is op displaying non genuine racism as opposed to that?

Genuine racism? Mobs dragging people from cars if they're not white and setting fire to mosques. Happenine in the UK right now.

It's ironic that the people who seek to be most progressive are those who are most unkind and willing to ascribe as bad faith as possible to a situation.