My silly comment blew up wider family now dh miserable

[Allwelcone]

So my neice is British/dual national with my sil's country, never lived in UK but loves our culture a lot and bigs up her British-ness at school apparently, which is in a third country.

Over on a recent UK visit, dn made a very British pudding but didn't try any of it as didn't like it (it was a crumble type pud) I said "Oh go on try a bit, I thought you aspired to be British!" This was met with gasps from my teen kids and I said "sorry I've been brought to book there".

My sil has raised it as a big issue and its been used as ammo for them to hate on us basically.

My dh is very unhappy, not sure what I can do? Apologise? Leave it? Back story is sil doesn't seem to like bils family and always seems really sad to be in UK. we do try (e.g lending them our car, lots of hosting, being 100% careful all the time not to offend) but we have never bonded.
Advice appreciated.

You gasped?!?!

So you're taking your frustration on the niece because SIL didnt want to eat strawberries?
Does she even like strawberries?

Wait, you're upset that your SIL didn't want to eat some strawberries? Really? And you're on here portraying her as overly sensitive and looking for a quarrel?

Stop making this about your relationship with your SIL. Apologize to your niece, who doesn't deserve to be a casualty in whatever tense relationship you have with your SIL.

@Otherstories2002 sorry my comment has been taken as racist, sorry for offending you too. I genuinely didnt think how it may have come accross and am hurt that they took it that way from me.
I thought the whole 'where are you REALLY from' thing was obviosly racist.

OK so I think I need to firstly know who is upset, is it bil, sil or dn I genuinely don't know.

Eating pudding you don’t like is not a cultural requirement to be British. Nor is eating strawberries.

You’re continuing to be racist.

I think yabu for telling dn to do something when it wasn’t your concern and then to add an unnecessary comment about her Britishness.

Why even make such a comment?

Intention or not, you were rude and should apologise.

I took third country to mean they don’t live in either the UK (first nationality) or SIL’s home nation (second nationality), so where they live would be the third country, isn’t that reasonable? What would you call it?

Where are you really from is obviously racist.

You aren’t really British is as well.

You were racist.

Why are you so reluctant to just apologize to your niece? Start there.

I winced. Its bad.

Because she’s racist. And deep down she doesn’t think they’re as British as she is and she has the right to point that out.

I would have said it to someone of any skin tone who chooses to identify as British though?

In what way do you think you're helping? I for one am trying to see things differently.

I have dual nationality by virtue of my father’s birth, not because I have lived in other country. Visited many, many times and this is the sort of comment a cousin would make to me. I wouldn’t be remotely offended.

“Who chooses to identify as British”.

This is you learning?

She is British. She isn’t choosing to identify as British anymore than you are.

I think you're on a windup now. Have fun with it.

Or, you know, apologise to your family. No wonder your husband is fed up.

Probably all of them.

You were rude. I’m Scottish and I don’t like haggis or irn bru so stupid too really. They “hate on you” …I’m not sure what that actually means. You should
apologize properly (as don’t make excuses and say you were at fault). You can’t do anything more?

This

Is this because in your culture it is seen as rude? Does she know that?

Not sure if I have understood your post OP. Your DN's mum is from another country - lets say Irish as you haven't actually said. Your brother is from the UK. The family live in America and DN has both American and UK passports? DN flicks between saying she is American and English although she has never lived in the UK (or Ireland)? Her mum presumably thinks she is Irish? I would say she's either English or Irish heritage but is American.

From reading this thread anyone born in the UK must be assumed to be English so anyone born in the US must be assumed to be American but it isn't that easy.

I have Irish friends who live in the UK, whose children were born there, may have an English father but their mums would never say they were English although many of their Irish friends would think they were. Not everyone aspires to be English and I think its the 'aspirational' comment that caused offense. I would think your DN is American (1st generation American) as she was born there and has never lived anywhere else.

Its the DN pretending to be from different countries that is causing the confusion but she is probably only doing this at home because its fun to do with her Dad.

It’s not seen as rude.

She isn't choosing to identify as British, though.

She is British. Whether you think so or not.

That's why what you said was offensive.

Also, you don't get to decide that she isn't "culturally British". You're not the gatekeeper of that.

I think it's offensive for a different reason than most on here.
I would have taken it as a diss towards sil's nationality. As in, "Come on, you want to be British don't you? That's so much better than the other half of your identity so eat the crumble."