Friend 'asking' for £3k for 4th birthday party for her DD.

[parkyn]

I'm Godmother to my friend's child. The child turns 4 at the end of August. I'm CF (child-free) and earn a fair bit more than she does. Also, her income is a PT one due to her childcare commitments whereas I work FT. I live alone and yes, you could argue my life is 'simpler' than hers - but my outgoings aren't next to nothing.

She is planning a birthday party for her daughter and has somehow costed it to be around £3k. But a large part of that amount is apparently going towards alcohol as she's inviting her fellow Mum friends (obviously they would be there too). Her justification was that she was 'not going to serve guests crap booze' as it would give them a 'bad hangover'. She is also wanting to buy lots of 'champagne instead of prosecco' etc... but no mention of the cake for the child (yet) etc...

She said: 'All I need is £3k... you're so lucky that you don't have to worry about money. Let me know if you want to contribute!'

It's beyond awkward - and me being CF, I have no idea how much a child's birthday party costs - but I can't imagine every parent dropping £3k a year per child per birthday party. AIBU to think this is excessive?

If there are money struggles that I don't know about - that she's not mentioned - then that's another story.

That sounds ridiculous and I wouldn’t give her a penny! I hold ‘big’ parties for my kiddos and it’s never cost more than £600-700 and that includes presents. I also wouldn’t expect booze at a children’s party either. It’s a party for the child, in the middle of the afternoon, that most parents will have driven their child to, no booze but an offer of a cuppa is welcome.

When DD was little and had parties at soft play I never paid for parents to have any kind of refreshment. It wasn't the done thing nor was it expected.

This is a party for her not her child and therefore you shouldn't be asked to contribute. I don't think you should anyway that's not the role of a godparent in my eyes. Are there any activities designed for the children?

This is insane. Do not in any way contribute. The woman is a changer. My DS is 5; we’ve never spent more than a few hundreds max on a party, and that’s for hire of a hall, bouncy castle and food.

Make it clear to your friend that you won’t be contributing. Buy a normal present for your goddaughter and leave it at that. Be clear with your friend so she doesn’t pressure you to stump up.

*chancer

The catering for my WEDDING cost. £4k for 50 people. 3 course sit down meal, cake at the end, very generous with the rather nice wine.

I used to throw parties for 20-40 people at home and the cost was typically £150-200. That was cava not champagne tbf.

Your friend is being a cheeky, cheeky f*er. And I suspect a lot of that money wouldn't go towards the party anyway.

If held in a hall, you are looking at up to £100 for hall hire, £100 for games, decor and party bags, £150 for food (assuming 20 guests and ready made from supermarket) £30 for supermarket cake, and say £100 for drinks (squash or eg pink lemonade for the kids, wine for adults even Prosecco) so £500 let's say. Obviously an entertainer is more, as would champagne

I did once go to a party that probably cost a comparable amount but two major differences. The family could afford to pay for it themselves and it was a large family gathering a bit like a wedding reception done as a chance to get everyone together including elderly relatives.

It was definitely a one-off, not a regular thing.

Why would a childfree woman know how much a kid's party cost? We don't have kids, if the OP is anything like me, she won't be around lots of kids or have a wide circle of friends who have young children. If someone said a child's party cost £3000 then I'd think it's ridiculous, but wouldn't necessarily disbelieve it. Not everyone lives in the MN world of small children.

Others have probably said this, but if you have the money and want to avoid awkwardness, maybe offer to chip in by paying for the cake (which itself could be a couple of hundred pounds)? If she wants to essentially provide a free bar for all her friends while goodness knows who looks after their kids then that is on her.

The first time we hosted a kids party at home I totally forgot to have anything organised for the parents who stayed, and they were all baffled that I was so apologetic. Like one of the mum's said, "today is all about the kids - you're not expected to cater for us".

She is being unbelievably rude and stupid. The most expensive children’s party we did was for a 5th birthday for about 25 kids, hiring a church hall and a children’s entertainer. Including the food it was max £600 for everything which seemed like a hugely extravagant amount, but worth it for the age group and numbers. You can’t possibly get to £3k without spending money on tons of stuff the kids don’t want or care about. For a standard party in a soft play/ trampolining / laser tag type place it’s around £20 per child.

In all the years I had to organise parties or take child to parties, not one had catering for parents. I've never seen alcohol at a child's birthday party.

I usually get a 2-3 bottles of Prosecco for adults if we do an afternoon party somewhere informal & local. People appreciate it but don’t expect it.

The only kids parties I’ve been to with champagne are first birthday parties where it is less about the babies who can’t really participate and more about parents celebrating that they survived the first year!

Are you the friend?

Some people do cater for parents and that’s ok. I’m childfree but get invited to my old uni friends kids birthdays and they have their parents, aunties, cousins and close friends etc there in community halls and places like that. And they do provide catering for everyone - adults and children . I can’t quite remember if there’s alcohol or not as I don’t drink myself but I don’t think there usually is.

It’s partly cultural as well, I’ve seen more kids parties like this from people of certain backgrounds.

Each to their own.

The only issue here is simply the fact OPs friend tried to get her to contribute.

I’ve just remembered that for my sons’ joint third and first birthday party we went big. We lived abroad at the time and came back to England for a visit so the party was my UK friends and family and their children. We used a children’s party planner, booked a venue, ordered a bespoke cake, had food for the kids and adults, a real blowout for us and it cost £750 back in the early 2000s. I used an inflation calculator and it’s about £1500 in today’s money. So for your friend to be costing double that I can’t imagine what extravaganza she has planned, we really pushed the boat out on this one.

We picked godparents who we knew would turn up for our little one if he had a problem, who cared about them and who were decent and lovely people - these are values we wish our child to be brought up. One is even an atheist! It’s about who they are and what they stand for and how they treat people. Not one was picked for the thought of perks and money. They were picked for who they were.

As an American the godparents I knew turned up at birthdays and sent a nice gift for Christmas, Birthdays, graduations etc.
She picked a rich godparent and sees you as a meal ticket. Paying for her to entertain anyone is not your job, she's a cheeky fucker, no matter how you spin the idea of godparents.

I am less surprised by the CF-ery than others but probably because I too had a couple of friends start greedily eyeing up my SINK lifestyle once they had their third kids. They'd make so many snide comments about how I had nothing to spend my money on so a contribution to their XYZ would be very welcome indeed!

(I was infertile, which they knew, but CFers gonna CF.)

I dropped those friends and didn't contribute a sodding penny. Suggest you do the same. She's using you to impress her mum friends. I strongly suspect this is for an adults party and the kid party will be a £100 in the back garden affair.

@fitzwilliamdarcy It’s funny how those type of friends will pocket watch you closely too! “Oh you’re buying X for yourself?” “you can treat us, just put it on your credit card” I’ve never dropped a friend so quick. Terrible, entitled behaviour.

I really feel for you @parkyn You sound kind and thoughtful. Your friend is behaving badly. You really aren’t being unreasonable, but your friend is.

If you’re wanting to “do the right thing” turn up with a couple of gifts - one trashy fun thing and something more long-lasting. I have a set of Christopher Robin books from my godmother - I still have them now in late middle-age.

That's EXACTLY it. If we met up they'd keep haranguing me, saying that I was wearing a new dress or had a new handbag - I never was, but they'd insist, and then be like, "oh, if only I had money for that kind of thing... you could share some of yours out and you wouldn't even know the difference!"

I was too young to stand up for myself but I wish I'd pointed out to them that having 3 children and their associated costs was their bloody choice and I wasn't a charity!

Let’s just turn that last comment round in the light a little.

This person has approached OP to contribute not to medical care for the child, or even schooling, but champagne ( which the child won’t be drinking) at a party the cost estimate of which has outstripped the cost of any party on here, including those where the parents are admitting they went further than needed( because they had the means and desire).

If OP “likes” her, I hope at the very, very least she is adding a tiny mental footnote to the friendship which reads “user.”

Absolutely fucking ridiculous.
Your friend is a really selfish twat, OP. This isn't about a four-year-old's birthday party, it's a lame excuse for an Instagrammable piss-up.
If you give her anything - 5 quid or 500 quid - she'll come crawling back for her daughter's next birthday. And God knows what she'll expect for milestone birthdays like 13 and 16.