Friend 'asking' for £3k for 4th birthday party for her DD.

[parkyn]

I'm Godmother to my friend's child. The child turns 4 at the end of August. I'm CF (child-free) and earn a fair bit more than she does. Also, her income is a PT one due to her childcare commitments whereas I work FT. I live alone and yes, you could argue my life is 'simpler' than hers - but my outgoings aren't next to nothing.

She is planning a birthday party for her daughter and has somehow costed it to be around £3k. But a large part of that amount is apparently going towards alcohol as she's inviting her fellow Mum friends (obviously they would be there too). Her justification was that she was 'not going to serve guests crap booze' as it would give them a 'bad hangover'. She is also wanting to buy lots of 'champagne instead of prosecco' etc... but no mention of the cake for the child (yet) etc...

She said: 'All I need is £3k... you're so lucky that you don't have to worry about money. Let me know if you want to contribute!'

It's beyond awkward - and me being CF, I have no idea how much a child's birthday party costs - but I can't imagine every parent dropping £3k a year per child per birthday party. AIBU to think this is excessive?

If there are money struggles that I don't know about - that she's not mentioned - then that's another story.

I can't under any circumstances imagine a birthday party for a four year old in a nice restaurant.

Or one where people are wanting to drink champagne.

Four year old need to run around and.let off steam at a party.

'Nice restaurant'? This is 100% her party then, not her daughter's - what a ridiculous location for a 4th birthday party.

I have a feeling she is trying to impress her way into some wealthy clique, but if she thinks this is the way she is deluding herself. My kids went to a private school with the kids of loads of famous people (we are talking oscar/Bafta winners, tech giants etc).

Now, whilst the leavers prom after party was the stuff of Hollywood (I was escorted up the drive by the Men in Black to collect DS at 2am) every single kids’ party was simple and low key. The billionaire’s daughter of aforementioned prom was perfectly happy to come and see a despicable me movie and head next door to the cinema for a pizza afterwards with 7 others, aged about 11. They had a ball and the parents were very appreciative.

None of them did lavish kids parties. If I’ve held them at home, parents I’ve known really well may have hung around for a chat and had a single beer or glass of wine, but as most were driving (or grateful to lose the kids for a few hours and come and get them later) offering champagne would have been the subject of the parents WhatsApp snickering and derision.

If she is actually a good friend but you’ve suspicions that she has social climbing goals, I would gently explain this to her. Keep the party simple, child focussed and, if the kids have a ball, those parents she wants to impress may ask her for a coffee some time.

I buy my godchildren £30 gift.

Thank you for all your replies. Didn't expect this to blow up.

No, she hasn't asked before for 'contributions' but has always been vocal about her lack of money, but the literal distance made that easier. She has only just moved to London this year, so I wasn't physically present for any previous parties. She's American and I'm British, so I do think there's this clash of cultures too (as well as it being plan outrageous). Whilst I don't have children, I just don't really make a fuss of birthdays in general! But that's just me.

The reason I was curious as to whether she was in financial difficulty is because the father is not involved anymore.

I think it is all for show sadly (and to impress the yummy mummies of London). She used to live in London so she has a circle of friends here already, FYI.

£3k!!! It would normally be a cake, a few sandwiches, crisps etc! Party bags. Bouncy castle at a push.

P.S. Yes, the party was to be held in a very nice restaurant - private room/area - and the food would be catered etc... hence the price.

To clarify, I am not justifying the price in typing this!

A 4 year old party is literally as cheap as you want to make it but typical hire a hall id expect to be about £120 (hall hire and bouncy castle maybe) and maybe another £50 on kids party food etc. or a soft play party would be about £200 all in.

You can do it very cheaply if do it at home etc.

3k is ridiculous!!

My 4yr olds party was last year and cost about £300 maybe a bit more if u include cake. Was held at local softplay and it's about £15 per child which includes entry, food and a party bag.

It can be done cheaper if u can find a cheap community hall to rent and get a bouncy castle then do ur own food (sandwhiches etc).

U should not be expected to contribute a penny and to be honest if I was feeling very generous I'd maybe give her £100 but she's so cheeky and expecting that I would prob give her nothing.

3K?? We didn't even spend that on our wedding!

Does she think she “deserves” this birthday, it sounds insane and very forward and she is not understanding Brit culture.
And needs to divvy up the cost and allocate it equally so party “givers” know what the financial impact will be … are there 8 people, or 25? Its going to be OMG look at me and my fabulous party!!
Still think u have a family emergency in Peru that weekend!!

That's mental.

Take a bottle or 3 to the party.
And get 4yo a gift (possibly a day out with you rather than anything specifically material).

That mother sounds nuts. Do not entertain her nonsense.

Parents throw the party for child. Yes, normal in America!

Not their friends!!!

For my DS's 18th birthday less than 5 years ago we had a party at home for him which was catered and for which we provided the booze (decent stuff but not champagne) for all his and friends and family friends. It cost £800. Your friend is a piss taker and I'd seriously re-evaluate the friendship.

Agreed. When I said she was American, it was just to point out the differences in forwardness. It's jarring for us Brits.

I tend not to make a fuss over anything really. I'm not a 'social media' person either nor am I 'flashy'.

That said, I have lived in the US before and none of my American friends have asked me to contribute to their kids' parties. So it's hardly entirely a culture clash. Also, it is more commonplace to have alcohol at parties here, but not crazy amounts of alcohol as most people are driving. Say a drink to two if you so wish to have a drink/are walking/Uber-ing home.

In the US, they are definitely all driving though!

Then again, I'm only GM to one child. So I was totally lost as to what this was all about.

So what will the 4 year olds be doing while the mums are getting drunk?

Is there an entertainer?

I'd never go to a kids party expecting to drink enough to have a hangover!! A glass or 2 of wine sometimes, though perfectly happy with a tea or coffee. It's for the kids after all!

But, never tell the mother about it.. or, you'd end up with sob stories as to why the money is needed now.

I thought exactly the same!
Just tell her no. You are committed to overpaying on the mortgage and have no spare money or something like that if you still want to remain friends with the CF.

This to me is so weird. One or two drinks then you take your child and drive home. Where I live it’s thank god basically zero tolerance. Zero.

Why don't you breezily say to her 'why don't you ask your mum friends to BYOB? That should save you loads!'?

Tbh it’s irrelevant how much she wants to spend, you don’t contribute a penny. Buy an appropriate gift for the child (appropriate to the child’s age NOT something that goes along with the madness).
Say happy birthday and leave. Don’t feel obligated to be a part of this ridiculous behaviour, that clearly has nothing to do with the child or is in anyway in their best interest.

It is absolutely ridiculous. A big party might cost a couple of hundred if you splash out, but much more than that is ludicrous. It doesn’t really need to cost nearly that much, and the child won’t appreciate an expensive do. It sounds as if she’s throwing a party for herself, not her child. Ignore the hints and just buy the child a nice present.

She can just book a playbarn or something. Adults will buy their own drinks. Probably only a couple hundred if that ( though depends how many kids).
She can provide her own Kev the Caterpillar cake (always a hit).

I think a decent party in facilities if you’re supplying food and booze for parents can easily run to £500-700 (not London), so imagine could be double in London. £3k sounds mental. In any case asking you to contribute is rude. I’d tell her you felt uncomfortable and had planned to spend £x on child but if she’d prefer the cash instead. Depending on her reaction (ie if she didn’t apologise profusely and say of course get kid present) I’d probably be cooking the friendship consideringably

If there are money struggles that I don't know about - that she's not mentioned - then that's another story.

If it was all due to money struggles then how would it be more understandable? It would be worse in my opinion.