My DM is an extremist

[Summersunshine112]

My parents have always had strong political views, strong racist views, strong fattest views. From a young age I always knew I didn't agree with them and I tried my best to argue back. But I was shouted down and punished for voicing my own opinions. I am ashamed that I have parents who have these views.

However my DM as she's gotten older has begun to have more extreme views. She now follows a far right extreme political party (you probably can guess which one). She has begun watching so much stuff online and since all this unrest recently she's been further sucked into it all. She even told me that she was considering going to a protest in London. She's never said anything like this before.

I have a young DC and I am also worried about them being around my mum. I don't want her extreme views put onto them.

I love my DM because she's my mum but I don't like her as a person and what she believes in and stands for. I feel sad for me. I feel embarrassed and ashamed by her too.

Has anyone else got parents like this? If so what did you do?

Just last year my dad said that black people have “greater passions” and that it’s genetic. He also said that some of these passionate black people are “fine Christians”. I shake my head and laugh at him.

Of course it could just be that the older generation are right!
They have lived in our country when it truly was great and can see the downward spiral we are on.
Your trendy views on illegal immigration being great for the country and men pretending to be women etc etc are truly dangerous and I am deeply concerned about the life my grandchildren will have in the future.

I went low to no contact many years ago, when I was 17, I'm 55 now. I was dating a medical student a few years older and all was well family very proud. Was told to invite him for dinner, unfortunately he wasn't allowed in the house because he was Indian. I had never mentioned it as it wasn't important to me, but it's all my parents saw.

Now my mum supports Farage so she was blocked in everything during Brexit. Last saw her 5years ago and speak maybe three times a year,

My DSis married an american and moved abroad. Went from very liberal to extreme right wing. Anti Mexicans, Pro Trump, anti vaccine. Every online chat / WA message was full of her political bile. My parents have gone NC on and off for the last few years (I went NC much far back). They've gone NC again but I fear they will cave again out of guiilt as she's still their daughter.

Rubbish she is trying to navigate a relationship with a parent which is different than that of a cousin or sibling and therefore is being specific. If she’d said family member and I’d come back and said yes my mum is the same would you then have said I was ageist? I assume so but again it would have been true, I don’t know my cousins children well enough to know their views , I have no siblings so no nephews or nieces.

This is interesting alpenguin, people are strangely complex and often change their views or go backwards and forwards over time dont they? Which aspects of Islam does your Dad have issue with? I often see people here claiming that they feel it limits female freedom etc but you say your dad is misogynistic so what is it he dislikes?

My sister is like this. I barely talk to her.

That's a good point. I live in an area which is quite multicultural. If I'd lived in a predominately white area, who knows?

Because it’s a completely different emotional dynamic with parents. It’s a lot harder to cut off parents than it is, say, a sibling or a cousin or a friend. So OP is asking for similar experiences.

I wouldn't cut contact but I would make it clear that I didn't want to hear her views and didn't want my children to hear them. I would also use it as an opportunity to teach my children that bigotry and hatred towards others was unacceptable.

It would be easier to meet outside her home because you can't close someone down in their own home.

You say she follows a far right party, I'm guessing the BNP which is awful.

Even if you live in a multicultural area, your experiences may cause you to be less accepting.

I have no truck with racism about skin colour. To ‘other’ a neighbour because of their skin colour despite them being born and brought up on your street is appalling.

I’m more sympathetic to culture clashes. DM is less than 4foot tall, and if she’s surrounded by people speaking a different language to her she’ll get panicky- she’s tiny and feels unseen and at risk. When that happens in her local supermarket she’ll get arsey about foreigners, even if they live on her street.
I empathise with that.

We need to listen to why people feel uncomfortable, and consider if it can be helped rather than writing them off as racist.

@alpenguin Your dad sounds like a very confused person. Islamophobic but pro Palestine? Why does he assume everyone from South Asia is Muslim?

@Summersunshine112 just a slightly different angle as opposed to an age thing. I genuinely think it is a mindset and lack of curiosity about the world. My parents are very elderly, I am involved on the elderly parents thread, they have always been like yours sound. We have all been complicit in rolling our eyes over their frankly racist and xenophobic views over the years. How I wish I had stood up to them. Their behaviour now is their younger selves on steroids, metaphorically speaking. They are small minded and nasty and trust no one. The upshot of this is they failed to listed to a consultant who told us 18 months ago our DF needed nursing care simply because he was an and I quote ‘foreigner’. No consideration he was the top consultant in his field. Mother is now on her own and frankly not coping. All her own fault having found fault with everything in life. She has no skills to consider counter discussion about the facts just the sound bites she gets from incendiary headlines. Do yourself a massive favour and step back and do not tolerate her. I wish we had as they get older it amplifies and is incredibly difficult to deal with.

Sometimes you just need to reframe it. If you are holiday, you speak your own language. Sometimes you do even if you speak the local language. It is natural to talk in your own language amongst yourselves

I always tell people that, of course they are speaking their language. They are not talking to you

It’s not ageist. It’s about one person, OP’s mum… there’s been no sweeping generalisations about older people being racist.

Not really an ageist thread is it. OP talking about her own experience which happens to involve her mum.

People of 55 are no more likely to be racist than anyone else. To decide 55 is old is what is ageist here, Jeez 🤦🏻‍♀️

It doesn’t sound like she’s that nice as a person OP and you need to decide what to do about that. The shouting down etc. You are bound to get loads of people screaming ‘NC’, but that isn’t easy.

I do genuinely think though that cancelling of people’s views and labelling them ‘extremist’ when the majority disagree with them/ judgement for who people vote for actually is dangerous, it leads to resentment and anger. Therefore people become more extremist and more likely to take action. They are more likely to vote for extreme parties in an attempt to get that voice back.

She asked if others had parents like this, so older people

Is it fuck ageist ! She’s talking about her own mother !

That.

I am really sorry about this, op, but it is not that uncommon unfortunately. It must be so difficult for you, especially as a mother and it is your mother who spouts racist views.

There's no reasoning with people of that mindset, you'll be shouted down. They are incapable of walking in another's shoes, have little or no empathy.

Oh dear.

Someone literally just post something about younger racists just before you posted this. It’s irrelevant to this thread if you’re ‘sick to death of it’. Stop trying to make this thread 1) about you 2) something it’s not.

Get a bit of nuance and allow people with more life experience to hold their own opinions

This.

I’m not far right. Far from it. But there are issues in society that need to be addressed. And yes, small boats is one. It’s not going to be solved by rioting of course and I don’t condone that at all. But labelling it as just being “far right” and racism isn’t helpful. For example, look up how many white Albanians have come here illegally. Whole towns in Albania are empty of young men.

“In the year ending June 2023 the UK received 11,790 asylum applications from Albanian nationals, almost two-thirds (7,557) of which originated from small boat arrivals”

And that’s just the ones that have claimed asylum (on what grounds I have no idea!). Plenty more are here working under the radar on building sites and suchlike. Then you have the criminal gangs.

The older I get the more I find my views aligning with feminists. I’m very concerned about VAWG, the protection of women’s safe spaces. I’ve started calling out misogyny. My views don’t always go down well. But I’m allowed to have them.

You can’t control what your parents think or what they say. Only your reaction to it. If you find it unacceptable then either you reach an agreement that certain topics aren’t discussed. Or you don’t spend time with them.

I don’t want or need someone “challenging” my views. It’s insulting. If someone wants to have a particular discussion around a certain issue that’s fine. I’m open to that. But it has to come from a place of open discussion. Not one that’s trying to get me to change because the other person thinks they’re right.

They usually talk about their parents or even more so the in-laws, it's quite typical of an ageist thread on here

It’s not ageist! It’s about her mum, regardless of her mum’s age. You’re assuming her age when you really have no idea.

Also, in your post YOU make the comment that “55” is old which I think many would disagree with.