To find parents who inflict pressure to become grandparents creepy

[OptimismvsRealism]

It's creepy, right

My parents will never be grandparents but they have never complained about this (which is just as well because tough) but it seems a lot do.

Unthinking?? I’ll be honest, you must be on the wind up.

Not creepy as such but I think it shouldn't be pressured on them. I come from a family where getting married and having kids is seen as a must and anyone who hasn't 'isn't normal'. Because of this culture those of my relatives who haven't are very unhappy about how their life turned out. Admittedly I think it's a natural thing that many do want it, but I think having it emphasised from a young age by grandparents and parents didn't help. Of course I would love my DC to have kids but if life happens that they don't I want them to know that's fine too so as a parent I have never mentioned that this is an expectation. I just always talk about being happy in life as the most important thing. In this day and age where people wait a lot later for marriage, serious relationships etc there is likely to be more people ending up without kids.

That's rubbish! It's not "self centred" to hope that your children have the same happy experience you did.

It's not "creepy" either - "creepy" is more usually associated with some form of sexual deviant!!

There's currently no prospect of any of my 20 somethings reproducing any time soon and that's fine. Yes, I suppose it would be nice to have a grandchild, but in spite of having three children of my own, I'm really not that maternal.

If anything I'd like my kids to have children so they can see how much shit we tolerated bringing them up 😂

I had a late and unexpected loss last year- between that and the birth of my son this year I had constant pressure from my parents who were "desperate to be grandparents". Throughout the pregnancy with my son I found these expectations of "finally" giving them a grandchild this time really hard to deal with when I was already anxious about whether he would make it into the world safely.

Now he's here I also feel they have completely forgotten about my loss because they have finally got their grandchild.

@OptimismvsRealism I guess some people can't imagine not having the motivations they have.

i don’t know what this means.

Creepy, no. Inappropriate and wrong, yes.

I'm quite content in my own life so don't need grandchildren. As long as my own children are content with their own lives without children, that's fine by me. If grandchildren come, I'm sure I'll love them and maybe I'll even wonder why I wasn't fussed about being a grandmother. It's really not my decision as it's not my life.

Mine too. And then wrote me off as never having kids because I hadn’t popped one out by 22. “Will you ever have children do you think?” I dunno mum, let me finish my degree first.

i had my first baby at 27 so not even that old!

Strange post. I am in the early grandparent age group. Absolutely none of my friends have expressed any desire for grandchildren. I have one and friends not really all that interested TBH .

It’s definitely annoying and self centred. Not creepy though, that has a whole different connotation IMO.

I have a friend who has been quite certain that she’s going to be a grandmother by a certain age and that she will be living close by her kids and very involved. Meanwhile they’re in their 20s, still living at home and neither has had a relationship yet.

THIS is creepy (and irrational). You want your kids to be super happy just as you were (so happy) by.... Suffering what you suffered ha take that.
?

OP, there is clearly something going on with you other than this issue because your posts are very strange. Are you being pressured yourself?

They're not "very strange". I'm sorry if you don't ever think a thought that wasn't spoonfed to you by take a break.

My parents are not into kids thank goodness.

Right. Your response only confirms what I said.

Other posters have noticed this too. This is a goady post.

It means that these women (it's always women) can't imagine why many women arent ready for children or simply don't want them. At least, that is how I understand this.

That's rubbish! It's not "self centred" to hope that your children have the same happy experience you did.

@Runnerinthenight of course it is. Why would anyone think that having children is a happy experience for anyone else. For a great many women it isn't because it isn't what they want.

@Ponderingwindow why do you feel disappointed about not having grandchildren?

A parent who does this may be self-centred because they want babies in the family or because they enjoyed the experience and don't wish their children to miss out

They are judging by their own values. People who don't want children don't feel they are missing out.

FWIW, I think having kids is the best thing in life, and wish the amazing joy it brought me for my kids too.

@AvocadoDevil and a lot of people don't feel the same as you. I love DD to bits and wouldn't be without her, but she is only one of the good things in life that has happened to me, not the best thing.

I was always ambivalent about having DC and when I discovered that I had fertility issues I wasn't at all devastated about it. When I eventually had DD loads of people assumed that I had always wanted DC and they couldn't have been more wrong. She has changed my life in unimaginable ways. My life is different now - not better, nor worse, just different.

To be honest, I find your posts creepy, @OptimismvsRealism . You seem obsessed by the sex act that would result in a baby, and seem to think that's what's in the person's mind when they all about grandkids. And I'm pretty certain that it isn't.

I do t know any older parents that are running around desperate for grandchildren.

Most of us just want our ACs to have happy lives - no matter how they achieve that.

Well said @Boomer55
That is exactly how I feel. DD (24) has health issues and categorically does not want children. She doesn't like babies and small children and puts her hands over her ears when we are out if small children cry and scream.

Even when she was little she was not interested in dolls (or other people's babies) and once said "If I ever have children I would like to get them when they are 5 and not when they are babies"

She gets fed up with people telling her she will change her mind or that she is missing out and just wants people to stop projecting.

IME looking at my circle of acquaintance, those most desperate for grandchildren are usually those who’ve never worked since having children, or only went back to work when their children were virtually grown up. Those who have always worked or had fulfilling careers can find other ways to fill their time.

So sorry that you suffered your loss and even more, that your parents cannot empathise.

DH & I do not have children, and it’s something we had to come to terms with. My MIL was always at me during my so-called ‘fertile’ years. As with many things, she felt she should get a say in our ‘decisions’ . When DH finally told her we were having problems, she would bombard me with her thoughts on IVF; she also told me that adoption was wrong as it wouldn’t be her grandchild.

I find it cathartic that I had no hand in passing on her genes.

Creepy would not have been my first choice of adjective, but overbearing, narcissistic and deeply unpleasant would all figure in my descriptor.

Not condoning any parents putting pressure on their children to give them grandchildren but I agree that your posts do feel really odd OP.

It's a perfectly normal thing to want to have grandchildren and to see the birth of them as a happy thing. I also don't find it unreasonable for people sad not to have grandchildren to talk about their feelings with others away from their children.

Yes it’s perfectly normal to hope for grandchildren, but they are a privilege not a right and people’s reproductive choices or circumstances are really none of their parents’ business.

Bingo. It's quite disturbing

You sound similar to me.

I adore my DD and she's amazing. I wouldn't go back and decide not to have her. But if that test had never shown the line, my life would still be awesome. It's just now it's awesome with an amazing little girl in it.

I wasn't bothered by having children, not like my sister and most of my friends who couldn't imagine not having them. I found joy (and still find joy) in other aspects.

You don't get levity do you? IT WAS A FUCKING JOKE!!!!

It's neither "creepy" or "irrational". I think you need to look those words up.

There are more women happy that they had children than there are who are not.

That's just silly. Of course I'm never going to badger my kids (male or female!) to have children if they don't want to. It's patently ridiculous. They are open to the idea I think, in time. They have far too much to do with their lives first and I'm happy about that. I want them to experience life as fully as they can, and they're doing that.

I actually view relatives who are young-ish parents who haven't had a fraction of the experiences my kids have, and I am so glad mine are out there in the world, and not tied down.

FFS I wasn't sure if I wanted children myself for years, and didn't have any until our mid 30s!!! But I also do know the sadness and pain of infertility. Life is never all black and white.

You're preaching to the choir here! Patronising post actually!!