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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find parents who inflict pressure to become grandparents creepy

145 replies

OptimismvsRealism · 04/08/2024 18:46

It's creepy, right

My parents will never be grandparents but they have never complained about this (which is just as well because tough) but it seems a lot do.

OP posts:
101Nutella · 04/08/2024 18:49

YANBU.

even wilder are the ones that pressure them don’t really have anything to do with them!! Just want the status I suppose.

weird entitlement over somebody else’s womb! Plus the financial impact of having a kid! Unless you’re going to find me or my childcare you can’t really push for it!😎

Echobelly · 04/08/2024 18:50

Yeah, I do find it weird. My kids are only teens and (although it may change I suppose) right now I feel no massive desire that I have to have grandkids, and if I do, you know what? I'm keeping it to myself.

It seems so pointless to make it a thing - you have no control over whether your kids will want kids, will be able to have kids, will fall in love with someone who doesn't want kids etc. As far as I'm concerned it's utterly beyond my control and not for me to 'want' and certainly not for me to demand.

Cattery · 04/08/2024 18:57

It’s none of my business what they decide to do. I don’t understand those who pressure

Topseyt123 · 04/08/2024 19:05

I don't understand people who apply the pressure either.

Grandchildren will either come along or they won't. It's none of anyone else's business except the couple concerned.

My three DDs are all in their twenties now with no sign of any of them having children of their own yet. If any of them do have children then I shall, of course, be delighted and offer as much support as required. If they don't then I won't be chasing them.

SunQueen24 · 04/08/2024 19:06

Yeah when I was 19 my Mum started on about it as I had a long-ish term BF. I had zero interest in babies and thought it was an odd thing to suggest to a 19 year old with prospects and a loser BF!

LBFseBrom · 04/08/2024 19:45

I am not a grandmother and have never complained. There were times when I thought I would be but never said anything.

My feeling is that we parents have lived our lives, our children must live theirs without any pressure, just support and love.

I'm content.

lazysummerdayz · 04/08/2024 19:51

Whilst i wouldn't pressure my kids - I'd certainly be disappointed if they chose to be child free and would tell them that they are - in my opinion - missing out in many ways. They may see that as being pressured

PassingStranger · 04/08/2024 19:56

You must be careful what you wish for.
I don't think creepy is the right word.

It's natural I think tp want to see your children with grandchildren especially when it's happening to others around you. You can sort of feel like your missing out.

However you do need to accept it and respect your child's wishes.
It's their choice.

mrlistersgelfbride · 04/08/2024 19:56

I agree.
I don't imagine I'll be a grandma as I have one child and she's already told me ...at 6!..that she doesn't want to have a baby.

The only thing I'd say to her is that let her know if she did, that I would support her more than her grandparents support me (they are actually the only people I know who didn't want to be grandparents!).

Not being a grandma is totally ok by me.

My friend doesn't have children and her mum kept putting pressure on her to freeze her eggs in her 30s. Ridiculous.. it's absolutely no one's business!

Newsenmum · 04/08/2024 19:57

OptimismvsRealism · 04/08/2024 18:46

It's creepy, right

My parents will never be grandparents but they have never complained about this (which is just as well because tough) but it seems a lot do.

I wouldn’t use the word creepy, but I do think it’s very unfair and unkind.

mrlistersgelfbride · 04/08/2024 19:57

Just thought maybe the idea of this is so weird to me as I have a lot of childfree friends, so in my circle I wouldn't feel I was missing out at all.

Original poster
OptimismvsRealism · 04/08/2024 19:59

Newsenmum · 04/08/2024 19:57

I wouldn’t use the word creepy, but I do think it’s very unfair and unkind.

Show quote history

They want their kid to have a shag and then to abandon their own hopes and dreams to furnish the olds with a baby they might find horrendous - that is about as creepy as I can imagine.

OP posts:
Newsenmum · 04/08/2024 19:59

A number of my friends have had this issue and it’s awful. I’m lucky my parents have lives of their own (although love my kids like their own).

Im very determined that I chose to have children and that was my choice. I give them to the world and they do what they do.

Oblomov24 · 04/08/2024 20:00

Agree. I find it quite creepy.

JudyJudeplusOne · 04/08/2024 20:00

I have a DS20 who we think might be gay, and a DD17 who can't decide.

We adore them and just want them to be happy.

MissingMoominMamma · 04/08/2024 20:02

I didn’t become a Grandma until I was 57, and I adore him… but it has always been absolutely my children’s business if, or when, they have children of their own.

Caffeineneedednow · 04/08/2024 20:02

Haha one of my colleagues has an even weirder one. One of his elderly neighbours is putting pressure on him and his wife to have a baby. Constantly asking when they will have a baby, would a baby be lovely ect.
He has to hide when he sees her. It's hilarious from the outside but creepy for them

Lincoln24 · 04/08/2024 20:03

I don't find it creepy because I understand why someone would long for grandchildren, I think that's a normal emotion. It does indicate a lack of awareness of boundaries and respect for your child being a person in their own right however.

Original poster
OptimismvsRealism · 04/08/2024 20:04

I don't understand who sees having kids as an uncomplicated good. It's the ultimate sacrifice and it's only worth it if you really want it. I guess some people can't imagine not having the motivations they have.

OP posts:
Peonies12 · 04/08/2024 20:04

It’s totally inappropriate. And perhaps even more so if there are fertility issues in the mix.

butterpuffed · 04/08/2024 20:05

I'm a GM and have two DCs who both have a DS . It would never have occurred to me to even drop hints to them.

I wouldn't say I'd find it creepy for anyone to put pressure on a DC , I'd say it's really weird .'

systemicmotivations · 04/08/2024 20:05

You seem to have decided on a pretty sweeping generalisation there yourself OP. Didn't realise I'd abandoned any of my hopes and dreams when I had my family. Creepy isn't the word. Misguided, presumptuous, self centred and maybe lacking big picture thinking... but no not creepy.

PassingStranger · 04/08/2024 20:06

JudyJudeplusOne · 04/08/2024 20:00

I have a DS20 who we think might be gay, and a DD17 who can't decide.

We adore them and just want them to be happy.

Why does a 17 year old need to decide now?

BeachParty · 04/08/2024 20:06

It's nothing to do with me whether mine do or don't have kids, it's up to them if and when.
YANBU

FeelingUnsure99 · 04/08/2024 20:07

Putting pressure on is creepy, but the instinct is quite natural? If you've had children and loved it (as most do) then wishing the same joy for your children is understandable?