To never move out from my parents’ house as I don’t want to live alone?

[AtHomeForever]

I’m 30, and have saved enough to be able to buy a property. I’m single though, and so would be living completely alone. I work remotely too, so I have visions of going multiple days without speaking to anyone. I also don’t really have any friends where I live and I’m single, so it’s not like I’d have a partner coming to spend a few nights, or knowing I have friends coming round at the weekend. I’ve started to view properties and suddenly the excitement of having my own space and be on the property ladder has disappeared and been replaced with complete dread and fear of a life lived alone.

I’m currently living with my parents, but we are a bit on an untypical family as I have a sister who is disabled and will likely never move out, so there is no expectation of everyone fleeing the nest. I contribute to bills, but I have a good quality of life at home. I get on well with my parents, I go and sit with them during my lunch break when working from home, etc. I also have a lot more disposable income being at home, if I moved out things would be quite tight which I would just get on with of course.

I feel really conflicted. I feel like I should move out, and I think turning 30 has made me panic and rush to get my own place. However, viewing the properties has made me see the reality of what my life would actually look like and it doesn’t look like a good life…

Please be kind in the replies as I’m feeling quite vulnerable posting this, but would appreciate any advice.

I've just read your OP. I posted before and I don't think there is anything wrong with multi-generation living. In fact I've done it before when my son was born and if I had a house big enough, I'd happily have my parents move in with me.

However this isn't about me and it has to work for everyone and I think if you want to stay at home that's fine, but your situation itself sounds quite lonely as it is. Everyone needs peers and friends their own age and out of their family group. I think some things to think about are:

1. Your current job. Are you happy there? Do you get on with your colleagues? I think working in a job that makes you more isolated isn't a good idea for your own wellbeing. Is there any way you can work in the office more or look for a job closer to home.

1. Your family shouldn't hold you back from your own social life. Life is short and you need to make the most of experiences out there. Are there any activities you would like to do or could you reconnect with old friends? Or join a meet up group? There's so many opportunities out there now to meet new people?

1. What are the long term plans for your sister? Are you expected to take on her care? How would you manage this on your own? Have your family all discussed this?

Wishing you all the best OP. I think the reason you've posted shows you have the motivation to want to change your situation.

i would begin by writing out 4 lists.
Gains from moving out
Gains from stayimg
Disadvantages of staying
Disadvantages of moving out.

From what you have said I would seem that you will not improve your life at the moment from moving. I don’t think your age should play a factor although I understand that you might feel the longer you leave it the harder the decision will be.

I see one of the biggest benefits is, you will be able to support your parents as they age. You may not necessarily see that in the same way.

Moving out and into my own place gave me the impetus I needed to become more active and alive in every part of my life. Learning to decorate, DIY etc. The joy of creating my own home to my tastes - and finding out what my own tastes actually were (turns out it is clean and minimalist rather than cottage-y). I joined local groups and enjoyed inviting new friends back to my flat. I found a love of cooking. I found my joie-de-vivre. I became proud of my budgeting skills.

I don't think I'd have found any of that if I'd stayed contentedly but unexcitingly (for me) in my parent's house.

You and family seem to be close, and open. Please talk to your parents.
They might actually want you to be independent, and move out.

They probably wished this for both of you, being independent adults. But your sister can’t, but you can and they probably want this for you.

good luck.

People keep bringing up multi-generational living and how well it works for some cultures, but people in those cultures are generally expected to look after their parents in old age.

This isn’t about the op, but I find it baffling that so many young people are wary of living alone. There is so much to be gained from it. Sitting alone in a house is not pointless surely?

There is so much to be learned from navigating your life without the “buffer” of someone else paying bills, sorting insurance, getting that water bill reimbursement, haggling with landlords or estate agents, having to make important decisions, eg which flat to buy, dealing with the hassles and realities of life.

And having to make an effort to socialise, to suffer low moments which force you out in to society to make wider connections. It’s all too easy nowadays to sit at home and passively watch streamed entertainment. But friends take effort, family takes effort, anything worthwhile takes effort!

Living alone also gives you the chance to explore and confront who you are as a person. Ultimately in life we are alone, and it’s good to make peace with that and handle it creatively and then a partnership or marriage becomes a bonus on top if it happens.

I lived in my own for years. I was utterly miserable.

OP, what if you buy a place but rent it out to tenants and carry on living at home until you’re ready to move out (ie you meet the right man and have kids)?

You might end up paying your mortgage early and then it’ll be a source of income. You see, you can have your cake and eat it too 😊

Could you buy your own place, but very close to where your parents live?

I think that sometimes seems almost pointless: why spend all that money when you'll just be down the road?

But actually, it does give you the space you need for your life to change in positive ways.

And in the meantime, you can still go over every day, and also invite them to dinner at your house too.

And if it doesn't work out, then you can move back in with your parents and either sell the house or (better) rent it out so that it builds into an asset which gives you financial security later in life.

Have you heard of the Amish custom of Rumspringa? It's when Amish teens/early 20s young people go through a period of living in a freer way that does not follow Amish cultural norms. Once young people have gone through this period, they can choose whether to formally become part of the Amish community as full adults, or to leave and live their lives differently. It helps to solidify and verify the choices that young Amish people make, by ensuring that they have actually tried different ways of life.

Let's say you live independently for several years and decide you hate it. Fine, you can put things into reverse and move back in with your parents. But at least you will be able to look back and say "I tried living by myself and it didn't work out." You will know that you have made an informed choice.

If you don't go through this process, you risk ending up in a life of regret where you are always wondering "What if...? Should I have tried pushing myself out of my comfort zone....?" At least go through a period of living by yourself and putting yourself out there. You can always decide "I hate this" later on if that's how you do feel!

Or, what if you suddenly have a big moment of epiphany and decide "Actually, I DO want to marry and have kids!" in five or ten years' time? The reality is that this stuff gets harder more quickly than we realize, especially for women, as we get older, as we get more set in our ways, as the eligible men become thinner on the ground, and as we lose our fertility.

I think if I were you I would get a few refresher lessons and start driving again. And I would think of things I liked to do, even homely things like gardening and cooking and find a way to do them outside the home (volunteering, college short courses, anything to get you out). Also I would think about 'how' I was living at home. Who actually runs the home, does the maintenance, knows who to ask about a leak, sorts out suppliers, pays the bills, keeps the loo roll stocked, all the hundreds of things that running a house entails. Talk frankly and kindly to my parents about my sister and the future. Then, even if I decided to stay, I'd expect to take on an 'adult' role, and I would absolutely certainly book some weekends and holidays away. Probably doing things that interest me, short breaks etc. with other like minded people. There's all sorts out there if you look.

I do have a driving license, but won't be able to afford to run a car if I move out.
Try getting a car now and expand your horizons before you move out?
It sounds to me that you feel you ought to move out rather than want to.
Is there a third option for you all to move somewhere bigger and you buy a share of the family home?

I moved back in with my mum during a gap in employment. Decided to stay. Mum was in in perfect health, until she wasn't

Mum decided whilst terminally ill that a hospice wasn't for her - she was coming home. The NHS staff noted I lived there and were happy to send a terminally ill , immobile and entirely dependant for care elderly woman home to me when I work full time.

I fought them and I realised the grave mistake I'd made in not moving out. I realised that if I didn't live there I could never have been made to be her carer.

Right now you're 30, young, you can be free and independent and meet new people in your own home.

Or you can stay and when you're late 40s -50s you might end up everyone's carer one by one.

Leave. Live your life.

I think staying put is a really good idea for all the positives you've mentioned, and I think your parents would be really happy. Also other cultures have been doing this for hundreds of years.

Sure, but spouses got moved into the parental unit as well, in those culture. It was all a bit different to our society, where living with your parents correlates very strongly with not having long-term relationships or getting married. Not that that is the be-all and end-all for everyone, I just think we should be honest about the fact that living with your parents in our society is not the same as living with your parents in a village in rural Bangladesh etc.

Nothing wrong with living with family. It's a very Western world concept to move out and live alone.
But, Yes, it's good to live on your own to practice independence and basic life skills that will make you more attractive to potential partners. So, maybe get a job in another city/ country for a few years. And if you choose to stay where you are, make more of an effort to build your own social circle and hobbies that require you to interact with other people and not rely only on your family to give you adult conversations

When I first bought my flat I was working a lot and this was pre the days of WFH but I usually stayed there Monday to Friday and went home to my parents for the weekend. If I had lots of social plans I stayed at my flat, otherwise I spent the weekend at home. Is this something similar you could do?

I think you should move out to move forward with your life, and as pp point out, to develop life skills of running a house. You are in a good position as you have saved and have some money behind you, settled in your career, but still young. I was living my my parents at 30 with no job, property or deposit! However, I had been abroad for most of my twenties so lived alone a fair amount, and quickly found a job and moved to another city on my own.

But before you get your own place, try to build your social circle a bit, get a car - maybe set yourself a few goals to give you the confidence to take the step to buying a place on your own.

I love living on my own. It's lonely at times, but great to have your own space. I get on very well with my parents, but they drive me mad when they come to stay!

Many cultures may do inter generational living, but doesn’t mean that it is always happy families. A woman usually ends up being the general skivvy and carer

I have not read the whole thread so others may have already made similar comments.

Have you considered staying with your parents and saving more, until you can afford to buy a place that is more conveniently located? That way you would have a property easier to rent out should you move into it and then find you really hate living on your own (assuming your parents are happy for you to move back in).

The longer you stay at home, however, the more likely it is that your parents and sister will suppose you will stay there forever and ultimately be the carer for your sister when your parents pass away (and, indeed, be the carer for your parents if they should need this in their old age).

I come from a background where we stay home till we marry. However, I’d still purchase a property and rent it out to save for my future. If marriage and children come along then bonus! :-)

Live your life how you want to live your life and don’t let others or society expectations influence you.

if your parents are happy with the set up and you are then there’s no problem.

Dating could be challenging though if living at home?

I would try living on your own and see how you feel. I thought I’d hate it but I absolutely love it.

Agree with PP. I'd be inclined to wait and try and save more so that you don't have to move to somewhere isolated with no car. That would be a very daunting prospect for a lot of people and might be skewing your feelings about moving out.

Also these cultures don't take rent from their DC, so it is expected DC "pay back" by providing elder care. It's really a different way to live, but on MN I often think people want the benefits of intergenerational living without the responsibilities ( not saying this applies to OP).

Thanks all, lots of think about. I think the main issue is how restricted I am in what I can afford to buy/rent and where. I can only afford to buy one bedroom places on shared ownership - so can't buy-to-let or have a lodger. Where I live is expensive, but my job is in an even more expensive area. I think, hand on heart, the flats I have been looking at are not ideal in terms of location but they are all I can afford so I have been burying my head about it.

I do worry about future caring responsibilities. I don't want to do that, but I'm a huge people pleaser and know I will likely slip into that responsibility. Sometimes I fantasise about moving to Australia to get away from it all. I do get on with my parents but I can find them stifling - they are very over-protective, I think because of my sister's health issues it's made them cautious.