To think you're not really that adventurous if you have your husband with you

[GigglingSid]

I'm part of a group for families who enjoy travel, nature, camping, outdoor pursuits, both in the UK and abroad. It's not a very single parent friendly group, some of the advice given, particularly around my budget for certain holidays has been very rude. There's been a lot of women commenting 'well my husband will always drive/ put up the tent/ plan routes/ bugger off cycling all day and leave me with the kids.
I've been away this week and have been chatting to various people on the group about hiking routes, camping spots etc. It suddenly struck me that many of these families have credit cards with limitless amounts on them, expensive cars, tents and camping equipment worth thousands and they are also nearly all heteronormative couples. What a different experience trekking though the Sahara as or with a large white man with you compared to my experience as a short, mid thirties woman?
I feel like I've been conned a little bit into thinking I wasn't able to be part of this elite club as I wasn't savvy enough at reading a OS map or that great at kayaking.
But maybe actually being a woman on her own, with two kids, £200 and an Aldi tent makes me the most adventurous of them all?

But why are you actually more adventurous than them?

You don’t need to take things away from other people in order to validate yourself.

Stop worrying about other people so much.

I often go into remote areas. Sometimes with my DH, other times with just my DD. None of the arrangements make me more or less adventurous. It's to do with having someone to share the experience with who wants to share the experience. Should I tell them no just so I can feel more adventurous? The adventure is the same with or without my DH along. The perk of another adult is increased safety, should something happen.

Having experienced both, I don't think the presence of a DH or SO makes an adventure more or less. The bones of it are the same. I still have to carry all the same emergency gear.

This.
Such a weird post OP. I don’t really understand what you’re getting at.

Jealous much?

What?

As a woman who had been single parent and isn’t white, but is quite tall for a woman and travelled a lot with my kids, I don’t get what you are saying?

I also have a credit card, a well paid job and am ‘heteronormative’ and now have a dp. Am I now less adventurous? Or does the fact that I can read OS maps and have kayaked negated that?

Why are you keen to measure how adventurous you are against other people?

It’s not a competition.

I think it’s pretty insulting to suggest a married woman can’t be as adventurous as a single woman. I take part in a lot of adventure sport, and train and compete to a very high level (yes, including reading the OS map myself!) Most of it I do on my own but I do also enjoy my husband’s company so he comes along sometimes too. My adventures when he is there are not somehow ‘lesser’ because of his presence.

If you want to do it, do it. Likewise for them, it doesn't sound terribly adventurous for any of you really, just hiking and camping with a group.

My DH is hopeless at navigating. I'm definitely in charge of map reading here. He'd get us lost.

You don’t know their lives.

Can’t stand when people have to put others down, or look down on others, to make themselves feel better.

It is sexist to assume that the husband is the one doing the map reading, tent erecting, driving. Some marriages are equal partnerships you know. You can’t possibly know the intimate details of every family in the group in order to dismiss them like that. I would still consider a woman doing these types of holidays with children in tow to be very adventurous, regardless of if their DH was with them.

If you think the group is very rude, then join a different group.

Surely putting up a tent etc is easier with another adult there -don’t understand posters saying it’s the same as being on your own.
Until you’ve done a lot of adventuring it’s definitely easier with another adult to discuss route with, change tyres etc

Have you felt criticised by other members of the group OP? For not being adventurous enough, or other reasons?

When I go with DH he's more of a tag along. His lack of experience shows. I plan it all, get the maps, make sure we have the appropriate gear. I'll give you the tyre one though. He did that once though I could have done it.

I think I get what you're saying OP. But I'm not sure it's about being adventurous/not adventurous.

Eg I'm taking my two young boys camping this week, one of them disabled. I've taken them alone since toddlers. It's always been pretty full on doing camp set up myself and would certainly have been easier with another adult to help

I am not saying it’s the same.

I have done both. I am saying trying to measure and judge who is more adventurous is ridiculous and pointless.

I have been single a LONG time and did a lot of traveling. I now have a boyfriend and travelling is completely different. Very nice but travelling with someone else is an inbuilt safety mechanism. I do not feel brave or adventurous in nearly the same way. YANBU OP

My built in safety mechanism is my personal locator beacon. I feel safer having DH at home when I'm remote as someone is out there who knows where I am and when I'm meant to return. I usually don't have phone reception, just the PLB, so knowing someone is there who can activate help if I don't come home is a better safety mechanism than having him there with me, where the only safety I then have is the PLB.

I would never go in a group. I like the sense of being all alone (with 1-3 immediate family at most) with no-one nearby. A group also means you can't just do things at your own pace.

Presumably you all help each other if someone is having difficulty with something? Isn't that the point of going with a group? Last time I did something like this many years ago the more experienced men (I know, and women, but the women on this particular trip were all novices) tended to help everyone else get their tents up, it was a very communal thing, and a lot of fun. Are you enjoying your trip?

Edit: I had friends there but no partner, and the weather was terrible as it happened, but still great fun.

I wouldn’t and couldn’t do most camping stuff on my own, I have no upper body strength, my ability to work things out is shit, dh is the opposite. Personally I’m embarrassed I’m so crap at these sort of things

I have friends who can easily do a lot of this stuff. Well done for being able to do it but please don’t think too much about the people who can’t- sometimes it sounds like people are smug marrieds (taking Bridget Jones’ phrase!), but they might not mean it. If they are asshole you being the bigger person is better for both you and your child as opposed to smirking back at them and being smug and bitter (also don’t go on holidays with people you don’t like again- not worth it!! Oh and well done on the tent etc!!)

You might surprise yourself. People make admiring noises about what I do and I just tell them that I just decide to do it and do it. I'm not super fit or anything, I just go and do it. I'm not saying everyone should do that but I am not aware of any conditions I have that would make it a bad idea.

ETA: Before I do anything I research it thoroughly, make sure I have maps and carry all the safety gear that is sensible. Anyone going far from civilisation should carry a registered PLB and know how to use it.

Not really, no, being poorer doesn’t automatically make your more adventurous. It also doesn’t automatically make you better than them nor them worse than you for having partners.

I hate the word hetronormative, everything has to have a label these days. So they are rude because they are rude, nothing to do with them being a couple or which sex they prefer shagging and I’m not sure that’s how you define adventurous.

what I would struggle with is the oh my husband doesn’t pull his weight at home comments especially if they are framed as “oh men what are they like leaving us women with the kids”. It’s the same as the oh women always spending my money , always getting parcels arriving she’s bought. I just don’t recognise those roles in my house and hate the inference that I am part of those roles.

Lovingsummers
ah thank you!! Unfortunately I have tried a lot (I tend to try to prove myself a lot), and I’ll see people struggling not to help/ fix or the like, then they finally will and where eg their part of something looks like it’s from a catalog, mine is all saggy/ half down/ tipping over and they generally end up having to start again with mine!!

It’s ok, I’m a rom com writer- it’s all fuel and I’ll never not try and help😅😅

@GigglingSid you lost me at "hetronomative"