To give 18 year old a curfew?

[Lilysienna1]

Help me out please, wise mumsnetters that have crossed the line into parenting ‘adult’ children… 😀

DD1 very recently turned 18…. and last night she went out to a few bars with friends and when I said to be home at midnight, she looked like I had uttered the worst and most ridiculous words she’s ever heard in her life.

and she came rolling in at 3am.

Just a week ago, she had rules and curfews. I can’t quite get my head round the huge jump from that to apparently being expected to let her do whatever she wants, whenever she wants now that she’s a week older.

I know she’s now classed as an adult… but she’s still a teenager living at home. Help me get to grips with this please, how do I let her go. The world is a scary place and I’m not ready. 😭

AI really BU to give her a curfew??

Yes. YABU.

Sorry but I don’t think you can give her a curfew, just talk to her about getting home safely (preferably with a friend). Ask her to stay in contact so you know her plans. And hope by now she’s able to make sensible choices. I have a DD of exactly the same age so I do understand but they are adults.

So does it just automatically go from having rules / curfews etc to nothing at all, on the day of their 18th birthday?

so am I least reasonable to hate this, even though I know she is an adult now and I just have to accept that I have no say in what she does anymore 😭 it’s just a horrible feeling, worried about where she is and if she’s safe. Arghhh

Yes. They’re an adult. If you haven’t already prepared them to be an adult then that’s on you.

I think it’s reasonable to have some ‘house rules’ including not disturbing people when they come in but I think a curfew is massively overstepping.

Not necessarily instantly because of school/college (depending on when they turn 18) but as it’s the holidays then yes I’m afraid so.

Exactly what @Summerbay23 said.
It's hard I know. Hopefully she will understand you are coming from a place of love and concern.

I'm not voting as YA neither being reasonable nor unreasonable.
You have to work out what you are comfortable with and talk with her and listen to her about how you can work things out.

Mine never had a time curfew.
We talked with them (long before they turned 18) about what was reasonable. About how they could keep themselves safe. About how they were getting home. About whether they could get up for work the next day.

I wouldn't expect them to be home by midnight at 18, if they were going for a night out, no. Like I wasn't home by midnight when I was 18 and on a night out.

I find it odd that up until now she has never been out late at a party or something.

Yes, she needs to think about the impact on the rest of the household, and how quietly she can come in, and how to do what she can to alleviate your worries, but a blanket 'expect to be in by midnight' is definitely unreasonable.

Yes, she’s just left sixth form. She’s the youngest of all her friends so she’s been absolutely dying to go out 🤣

Yes you are reasonable to worry (I do constantly) but you have to accept them living their own life, having their own experiences and embracing the world around them. It’s normal to still worry though.

It's hard but you have to trust them. If you've done your job right then they might make a few stupid mistakes but they will learn from them and mostly they will be absolutely fine.
They don't want anything bad to happen to them at LEAST as badly as you don't. Just trust and have faith.

So interesting you have posted this. My young adult dc has gone in a couple of weeks from never leaving the house to rolling in in the middle of the night and I know I'm unreasonable but I can't help being annoyed by it
She's unable to go out to the cinema or for food without it turning into an all nighter. I worry more because she's so vulnerable but doesn't think she is.

I think what's also annoying me more is she will not be left in the house on her own and complains when I go out and leave her for a short time (she has some SEND) so I have been trapped in the house and now she's out living her best life and I'm a Bit miffed too.

I don't think I had rules/curfews for mine at 17 really either, it was a gradual process, not one week they're 17 and the next week they're 18. But that said of course, legally the places they can go at 18 are different to those they can go at 17.

I'd stopped curfews before 18 but I did have a communicative, resonable relationship with DD. Your DD is now 18 so you can't ease into it, but a curfew is inappropriate. Work on maintaining a good open communication style about where she is how she is getting home. It's hard and you will worry. Is she going to uni in Sept as you need her to do this while she still has you at home before heading to.uni/work.

If she's just left sixth form, is she going to university? If so, this is a crucial transition period to adult responsibility. It sounds as though it's crept up on you so far, but you have time to make up for it this summer.

Look, she's 18, she's a grown up. Only just but still, in her eyes, she has passed the magical threshold. I would approach it in terms of respectfulness. If she is going out late it is respectful to come in quietly. Or to let you know at a reasonable time if she is not coming in at all. It's not respectful to bring random people home, or leave a trail of destruction as she comes in, or leave the remains of her kebab ground into the sheepskin rug. You get the idea. She's a grown up now, whether you want her to be or not. Approach her like a grown up. Let her show you she can behave like a grown up.

She's now legally responsible for her own decisions, terrifying though it is, as a parent. I completely sympathise. All you can do is tell her to be careful and sensible. It's not so much the time of night that concerns me, as where they go and who with.

I think if she's still living or staying at home, you're perfectly within your rights to still require her to tell you exactly where she's going and who with; also that you don't want to be woken up when she comes in at 3 in the morning unless it's an emergency.

I’ve messaged her 3 times tonight to ask where she is, just to check she’s ok. She replied to the last one half hour ago saying;

Mum. I am fine. Please stop worrying and just go to bed. I’m with Em I’m not drunk. I probably will be out of my nut soon tho. (Jk mum. Jk. 🤣 I am fine ) night mum love you x

She's 18, she's an adult. I'm surprised she had a curfew even at 17 tbh. It feels a bit controlling.

As long as she's not disrupting the whole house when she rolls in at 4am.or whatever, I don't think I would impose a curfew.

Not this year, she’s planning to start September 2025. So I’m hoping I’ve got over this feeling by then 😀

I’m 41, I moved back to my mums (2 kids in tow) during the process of having sold my house and new house not being ready.

The rule was that if I went out, just to let her know if I would be back late or not at all - same as when I was 18!

She’s an adult so I don’t think you can put a curfew onto her - but maybe some house rules so you know when she’s coming/going.

Her curfew at 17 was 11pm! I thought midnight was being generous.

Sounds like my DS 🤪 but on the positive side she’s contacted you and is fine. It’s a really hard part of parenting. Just reply saying “have a great time but make sure you get home safely, don’t be on your own”

So does it just automatically go from having rules / curfews etc to nothing at all, on the day of their 18th birthday?

If you haven't been gradually leading up to this then yes. But you should have tbh - for her sake.

I think she is more prepared than I am to be honest.