To give 18 year old a curfew?

[Lilysienna1]

Help me out please, wise mumsnetters that have crossed the line into parenting ‘adult’ children… 😀

DD1 very recently turned 18…. and last night she went out to a few bars with friends and when I said to be home at midnight, she looked like I had uttered the worst and most ridiculous words she’s ever heard in her life.

and she came rolling in at 3am.

Just a week ago, she had rules and curfews. I can’t quite get my head round the huge jump from that to apparently being expected to let her do whatever she wants, whenever she wants now that she’s a week older.

I know she’s now classed as an adult… but she’s still a teenager living at home. Help me get to grips with this please, how do I let her go. The world is a scary place and I’m not ready. 😭

AI really BU to give her a curfew??

Bloody hell. You really need to leave her alone to enjoy herself. Messaging her three times? Before the pubs have even closed?! That’s really unfair on her. You’re infantilising her and you’re basically allowing your anxieties to affect her life. She’s a grown woman.

You mentioned that she has just left sixth form. Is she planning on going to university in a couple of months? Or maybe starting work? How could you possibly think an adult student, or an adult working alongside other adults, should have a curfew?

Well, that would be none of your business whatsoever. You have just as much right to question her sex life as she does to question yours.

Gently, you need to have a word with yourself.

Assuming curfews are to keep her safe?
It's worrying for most parents when teen/young adult DC are out late, but you have to trust her.
Is she generally sensible?
She has a phone that she can at least call you on if she's in trouble.

I think you need to go to bed. Don’t text her again, continue to do that and she will stop responding when she goes out.

Let her enjoy her evening out

I went to agricultural college at 16 so no curfew from then

My dads rules were
We had an emergency word, I could ring or text with it any time and he would pick me up no questions asked
There was always money for a taxi available
I had to say what time I would be home, even if I said 3am that was fine but I couldn't be late
Don't wake everyone up

Why would this be a problem?

Why would it be a problem if she does?!

It’s none of your bloody business who she has sex with.

regarding her having sex, Keep a supply of condoms in the medicine chest and say ''help yourself''...I did this with son, and said his friends could help themselves, too {Condoms were /are free from a young person's charity}.

My children were out and about in 6th form, Abosolutely no restrictions.All were fine.

What you're going to end up doing is driving her away.

Stop texting her. It's okay to worry but stop smothering her.

Hello OP, I understand how you feel. I have 2 sons now in their 20's. The transition from child to adult in one day isn't especially logical. It is quite arbitrary, but it has to be. As a society we've picked a point at which people can be considered adults and your DD has passed it.

Your DD is now legally an adult and can lawfully go to venues that serve booze and stay open late, amongst other things. That's the law of the land and rightly it offers her the same liberties we all enjoy.

As such, it is unreasonable to curfew her. You can't. Really.

However, with rights come responsibilities. It's not unreasonable for you to set ground rules in your home, such as being told if she plans to be out late or if her plans change to be made aware. It's not unreasonable for her to stay out late but it is reasonable for you to expect her to avoid waking anyone else on return, for example. Ultimately, she can do as she wishes as long as it doesn't disrupt or disadvantage anyone else. It's reasonable for you to hold her to that.

I don't know if your DD is in education or work, but it's also reasonable for you to set some rules around expectations regarding that. Is she paying board? If not, does she receive an allowance from you? I could afford not to charge board but I made them pay into a fund that they could take once they left home. Does your DD contribute to maintaining the home in time and effort? As adults we all have to chip in a bit when it comes to cleaning, decorating and so on.

In the end, you want her to thrive, and she can't do that if she's being treated as a child under your roof with curfews etc. She is also unlikely to thrive if she's permitted to set all her own rules - as adults may - but kept financially and domestically like a child. I think this is one of the toughest parts of parenting and easiest to get wrong. Ultimately you must still set boundaries, and they must be revised as circumstances change, but you must respect her autonomy. She can't learn to get it right if she isn't given room to make mistakes.

She will leave home one day, all being well. And whether she shares a place with house mates or colleagues, has her own family, neighbours, lives alone in 20 acres of woodland, whatever... She'll be fine if she has good guidance.

It's hard to loosen the grip but it is important to do so. Congratulations on your DD becoming a woman. Good luck, OP.

I’m probably going against the norm here, but, when my youngest (now 21) was 17, he had to adhere to our rules, he was to be home by midnight or the door would be locked up, we still had to get up early in the morning so didn’t need to be up all night waiting for him to get home to lock up, I think older teens need to know that we worry about them and need to know they are safe before we can relax and go to sleep

Most parents gradually lift the curfew before their children reach eighteen. It is obviously 'overnight' for the op.

The girl won't be out until 3am all the time, just occasionally.

For the love of god, @Lilysienna1, DO NOT MESSAGE AGAIN! You’ll look like a lunatic and she’ll start ignoring you. Just make yourself a cuppa instead.

My DD is just a few months older than your daughter. She headed out at half ten with her friend to a couple of bars in the city tonight. She’ll probably rock up around 2:30 or 3.

That’s ok. It’s summer, she has no commitments tomorrow and she can sleep in, and she’s bright and capable.

It’s hard letting go. But she’s the fab, capable young woman you raised, so have faith in her.

As PP have said

No curfew
But as she is living under your roof you would simply like a text at whatever time saying ' mum still out will likely be home around 3:30, I will text you if plans change' or ' mum going to stay at Ella's house tonight will text you when I get there'

Some May Day this is still too much to expect from an adult at 18 but I just think it's respectful to let your worrying mother know your not passed out drunk somewhere.

Also of course no waking anyone else up when she comes in. That's a given

She sounds absolutely a lovely young woman and sensible.. If you are a single parent, and she is your only child, I get why you are worried- but mums of sons worry just as much {they too can get into dangers} but mercifully most don't if they are sensible.

I remember the relief of the sound of key in the door at 2 am!

My ds is now 21 but even when he was 16 he did not have a curfew because he was always sensible, I trusted him completely and he always stayed in touch with me. That was our main rule to be honest.

he is autistic and has anxiety and has a huge group of brilliant friends and he never walked the streets or anything like that so when he was out I tended to know where ie a party or a pub etc when older than 16. He doesn’t drink and even if he did it wouldn’t change my opinion that he didn’t need a curfew. He’s never ever taken the piss and I don’t worry about him too much.

lads holidays abroad from the age of 18- that’s when I worried 😊

18 year olds do not need a curfew.

This is getting silly now. Just stop it.

Thank you, this is honestly so helpful. I’ve got 3 children. A huge age gap between the eldest and youngest (DC3 is a baby) I imagine one day the sisters talking and comparing how different Mum was with each of them. I should be a bit more chilled in 17 years time, right ?! 😅

It’s ok. I don’t actually voice all of this to DD. Thankfully. My DH tells me to stop as well. He said he also doesn’t like the thought of that happening, but she’s a sensible girl and we have to just trust that she makes safe decisions,

I will add that it’s also been an issue between me and DH over the years, over our different styles of parenting. DH is far more relaxed and has often said I’ve been overbearing with the DC. Like I checked my DD’s phone and read her messages, didn’t let her have social media etc until she was 14. That was one he didn’t agree with, and there are other things too that we disagree on.

Your daughter needs to have the skills to work out what is best for her or she might rebel and you don’t want her rebelling at 18 where she can go to clubs every night, meet men, stay out all night etc. She’s 18 you don’t have that control now. Back off, tell her she can always ring you if she needs you. If something is going to happen it will happen no matter how many times you text her. Just ask her to text you when she is in or at a friends house so if you wake up you can check your phone to see if she is at home. Worrying while being tired is the worst thing and also spoils the next day.

At that age its more about having a discussion together and coming up with general house rules together. Rules that are a compromise and based around mutual respect.
It's a shared home so she needs to be respectful regarding other people's sleep.. so no coming in making loads of noise when other people are asleep.. obviously stuff like not bringing strangers back to the house and asking if she wants to bring a friend back, to make sure that's convenient for everyone.
Asking her to let you know roughly where she's going and if she will be coming back or not as you don't want to be worrying.
But no I don't think that at 18 you can decide what time she has to be home and just tell her she has to be home... she's an adult. Would you allow someone to give you a curfew??

OP, I mean this kindly - you are massively overstepping.

She's an adult - as long as she's not being disrespectful (coming in at all hours making noise), you'd be unreasonable to have an input at all.

It's also none of your business who she has sex with. She could choose to have a one night stand, and that's her prerogative - so long as it's not happening in your house. She's old enough to know about the risks, and how to protect herself.

You cannot project all your anxieties onto your now adult daughter, nor can you infantilise her forever. If you try to, you will just drive a big fat wedge in between the two of you.

I started going out at 17 and I'd even have scoffed at a 12 curfew then, tbh - at 12 the night had barely started when I was that age!

It’s not the having sex part, it’s the not actually knowing who the man is, what could happen to her when they’re alone, if she’s not told anyone where she is and finds herself in danger… also if she’s drunk, she might not practice safe sex.