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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give 18 year old a curfew?

132 replies

Lilysienna1 · 03/08/2024 23:24

Help me out please, wise mumsnetters that have crossed the line into parenting ‘adult’ children… 😀

DD1 very recently turned 18…. and last night she went out to a few bars with friends and when I said to be home at midnight, she looked like I had uttered the worst and most ridiculous words she’s ever heard in her life.

and she came rolling in at 3am.

Just a week ago, she had rules and curfews. I can’t quite get my head round the huge jump from that to apparently being expected to let her do whatever she wants, whenever she wants now that she’s a week older.

I know she’s now classed as an adult… but she’s still a teenager living at home. Help me get to grips with this please, how do I let her go. The world is a scary place and I’m not ready. 😭

AI really BU to give her a curfew??

OP posts:
Abc123doc · 04/08/2024 00:04

It is difficult !
I am in the same boat, dd turned 18 in June. She stays out to 3/4am most nights. Come September she will either be going to university (depending on her results) or taking a gap year where she will work full time. I hope a full time job will encourage her to be in more/ come home earlier to sleep.

Enko · 04/08/2024 00:04

Mine are 26 -20. At 17 they didn't have curfews. Leading up 15 -16 lots of talks and seeing if they would stick with our agreements. -they did.. By 17 curfews stopped and they have all had some late home nights but in truth I've never worried. They have all 4 been great at communicating where they were and when they would be home.

At 17 I'd never have given a 11 pm bedtime. By then I feel they need to have that under control themselves. How else can they hold down a job/go to uni and function like adults if I have not supported them to become an adult?

Original poster
Lilysienna1 · 04/08/2024 00:04

Globules · 04/08/2024 00:01

So you've made her come in early before her 18th? Oh OP, no wonder you're finding this hard.

You've done nothing to prepare yourself. Growing up is a process, not a birthday. She should have been able to stay out later the older she got.

My DD turned 18 3 weeks ago. She had been out until 2am prior to this. For her 18th, she stayed in.

You've got to let them grow up. YABVU.

Show quote history

I think the latest she’s been out is 1am, which was for a party. I relaxed the curfew a few times, but with the condition being that I / DH collected her from the party venue. Is that still OTT?

OP posts:
CalamityClam · 04/08/2024 00:05

Lilysienna1 · 04/08/2024 00:00

Thank you. This made me tear up a bit. She’s an amazing young woman, I’m very proud of her! Time to let her go, I guess. No one warns you of this when you become a mum. Letting go is hard! Your list of rules are really helpful too. Although I can’t even imagine going to sleep before she’s home!

Show quote history

It gets easier when you know they are sticking to the rules!
I used to lay awake and shout goodnight to her as I heard her come in.
Then slowly slowly we got to the point where I’d check her shoes were there when I got up. As she was getting in at 3 and I was getting up at 6, it felt ok!
Oh, one last rule.
If you stay out, send a text.

mrsfollowill · 04/08/2024 00:06

I gets easier I promise. Let her show you that you can trust her to look after herself- sounds like she hasn't given you any reason not to so far!

Original poster
Lilysienna1 · 04/08/2024 00:08

Abc123doc · 04/08/2024 00:04

It is difficult !
I am in the same boat, dd turned 18 in June. She stays out to 3/4am most nights. Come September she will either be going to university (depending on her results) or taking a gap year where she will work full time. I hope a full time job will encourage her to be in more/ come home earlier to sleep.

Mine is definitely taking a year out before going to uni next year. Which hopefully I will be long past feeling this way. I remember staying out until 3/4am at her age. Couldn’t think of anything worse now 🤣

OP posts:
SuntanSunhatSunshade · 04/08/2024 00:10

If it was a son, would you be giving the same rules at 18 ?

From my experience, males are given much more freedom

Globules · 04/08/2024 00:12

Lilysienna1 · 04/08/2024 00:04

I think the latest she’s been out is 1am, which was for a party. I relaxed the curfew a few times, but with the condition being that I / DH collected her from the party venue. Is that still OTT?

Show quote history

Depends on the situation if it was OTT or not. Barn party in the middle of nowhere. Not OTT. Town centre venue with a group of friends. Yes OTT.

It's all about teaching them safety planning for each event. Discussing with them how they're going to deal with getting home. What's their solution? What if a friend gets drunk? What will you do in an emergency?

DD was going to walk through the dodgiest part of town alone, 1am, aged 16, after a party. We had a discussion about that one. She refused to get a taxi or let me collect her. We continued discussing until we came to a solution she and I were happy with.

You've got to train them to think through how to best keep themselves safe. Arbitrary curfews do nothing. Collecting them from everything means they never learn how to plan to get safely home when you're not there.

Original poster
Lilysienna1 · 04/08/2024 00:15

SuntanSunhatSunshade · 04/08/2024 00:10

If it was a son, would you be giving the same rules at 18 ?

From my experience, males are given much more freedom

So far they’ve had the same rules. He has just left primary school though so can’t say how I would feel if he was 18. However, I imagine I might be slightly more relaxed with him but more because he’s the second child, and not because he’s a boy.

OP posts:
KreedKafer · 04/08/2024 00:16

Lilysienna1 · 03/08/2024 23:28

So does it just automatically go from having rules / curfews etc to nothing at all, on the day of their 18th birthday?

Show quote history

Yes, because she’s an adult.

mrsfollowill · 04/08/2024 00:18

@CalamityClam your post about the shoes has made me laugh! I go for at least 2 nighttime toilet trips and I check if his bedroom door is open or shut- if it's shut he's in as I leave it open on purpose.

If the door is open (and he is not in his bed as I peer around it) I can see the spot in the hall his shoes live- if they are there all is good.

The other week door open and no shoes at 5:00am so I panicked a bit and came downstairs for an emergency cup of tea and fag- was standing at the backdoor trying to to be zen and rational and the little sod waltzed out of the lounge. He had been drinking water and sobering up. 'Night mum' he called through as he went upstairs!

Original poster
Lilysienna1 · 04/08/2024 00:20

It’s now over an hour since I spoke to her. Someone stop me from sending her another message. For Gods sake I need to get a grip don’t I. Someone asked what I’m worried about: that she will get drunk (she’s never been properly drunk) that a man will take advantage of her, that her drink is spiked, that her friend leaves her, that she takes drug- It doesn’t help that when I told her that worry, she told me a few of her friends have tried coke and Ketamine but she’s not interested at all. But what if they make her do it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lilysienna1 · 04/08/2024 00:21

Oh and also to add to my list of worries is if she meets a man, what if she ends up having sex with him??

OP posts:
Yekko · 04/08/2024 00:22

Have some sensible rules in place. But I wouldn't give her a curfew.

AleynEivlys · 04/08/2024 00:23

Mine are only 10 and 7, but every time I think about this, I feel sick. I've no idea how I'm going to cope with it!!

Original poster
Lilysienna1 · 04/08/2024 00:23

AleynEivlys · 04/08/2024 00:23

Mine are only 10 and 7, but every time I think about this, I feel sick. I've no idea how I'm going to cope with it!!

Hopefully better than me 🤣

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 04/08/2024 00:24

So the ideal is that you've discussed a lot of these situations with her and planned with her what she would do.

In fairness she sounds like a very level headed young lady who has a lot of common sense.

Usually curfews are relaxed as teens get older. Mine stayed out all night and slept at a friends house. This often meant they could either walk back (no reliance on taxis etc) or the party was already there.

Yekko · 04/08/2024 00:24

Lilysienna1 · 04/08/2024 00:21

Oh and also to add to my list of worries is if she meets a man, what if she ends up having sex with him??

This will probably happen at university. I feel parents allow DC to have partners sleep over but don't allow One Night Stands.

3CustardCreams · 04/08/2024 00:25

I stayed out after midnight at 17 even. 18 shouldn’t have a curfew tbh.

DragonFly98 · 04/08/2024 00:25

Mine had a curfew of 10pm on school nights despite being 18 unless it was a friends birthday, concert etc. I was supporting them on their education and they completely respected that. On weekends and holidays no curfew from 18.

AleynEivlys · 04/08/2024 00:26

Lilysienna1 · 04/08/2024 00:23

Hopefully better than me 🤣

Show quote history

No chance. I even worry they've been abducted if they're out in the garden on their own and I can't hear them. 😭

Original poster
Lilysienna1 · 04/08/2024 00:27

Yekko · 04/08/2024 00:24

This will probably happen at university. I feel parents allow DC to have partners sleep over but don't allow One Night Stands.

Show quote history

We haven’t had that situation yet, as she’s not had a serious boyfriend. I guess I would rather have her bring a boyfriend to our home than be out god knows where with him. One night stands are just so much riskier.

OP posts:
avignon1234 · 04/08/2024 00:27

Agree with many posters, especially @mrsfollowill . I have had four through this stage, and the new 2am is 4am, or 6am, basically nocturnal. I would add that my (now very low requirements) are 1) if you are going to stop out all night, it is fine, but you must send a text or a message just to let us know that you are safe 2) keep your phone charged 3) don't end up on your own 4) you DO NOT bring people back unless previously agreed and you don't make a racket when you come in. My younger children have accepted that I have them on a snapmap (from snapchat) I have sworn on my life that I will not be looking and fretting, but in an absolute emergency, I will have to look. And I have kept my promise. The trouble is, you cannot help worrying, especially at first. It does get easier as you have more of these nights, and the trust builds up. I have found with last 3 of my 4 that they self regulate eventually - they are just down the McDonald's drive in at 3am after having a film binge at a friends, yet I can't sleep because I am imagining they are being attacked in an alleyway after getting hopelessly drunk. The reality vs my view of it is SO different. We have had our moments (especially with the first one). After saying all this, don't feel bad for asking - maybe 3 times is too much, OR setting some rules, but I get this from my youngest, same sort of message, he says later that he knows that it is because I really love him, but I should "chill out a bit". Hope this helps x

aodirjjd · 04/08/2024 00:27

Lilysienna1 · 04/08/2024 00:21

Oh and also to add to my list of worries is if she meets a man, what if she ends up having sex with him??

And what if she does?? It’s totally normal to be having sex at that age!

Edingril · 04/08/2024 00:28

No one should be allowed to disturb others as they come in no matter what age but if they are quiet no it is unreasonable to give a curphew