To give 18 year old a curfew?

[Lilysienna1]

Help me out please, wise mumsnetters that have crossed the line into parenting ‘adult’ children… 😀

DD1 very recently turned 18…. and last night she went out to a few bars with friends and when I said to be home at midnight, she looked like I had uttered the worst and most ridiculous words she’s ever heard in her life.

and she came rolling in at 3am.

Just a week ago, she had rules and curfews. I can’t quite get my head round the huge jump from that to apparently being expected to let her do whatever she wants, whenever she wants now that she’s a week older.

I know she’s now classed as an adult… but she’s still a teenager living at home. Help me get to grips with this please, how do I let her go. The world is a scary place and I’m not ready. 😭

AI really BU to give her a curfew??

It's hard letting them go and watching them go from your babies to adults, especially with daughters I think. Especially remembering what I was like at that age good lord.

Mine is 16 and we don't have a curfew anymore in the holidays, she's done house parties, gigs, and one festival with a group of friends. I've been worried the entire time but you've got to let them go. The horse has already bolted in your case but you have to start gradually loosening the reins as they get closer to adulthood, so it's not such an abrupt change when they turn 18 and fling themselves gung-ho into the adult world. I feel like I've done everything I can to prepare and I'm still dreading the day she goes, I doubt I'll ever be ready for her to be an adult, but that's just part of being a parent!

If it's any consolation I'm in my 30's, happily married, own home, and my mam still expects me to text her when I get home safe after a night out!

I do get it, OP.

My dad visibly cringes to death when I talk about online dating, for reasons similar to yours I'm sure (what if he's dangerous, I don't know him etc), and I am 27! To him it doesn't matter how old I am, though, because I am still his 'little' girl - I'm sure you feel the same.

However you stressing yourself over it, imposing curfews, texting her all night, giving her a talking to about sex/danger won't make a blind bit of difference. If she's going to make daft choices (and she will, at some point), she'll make them with or without your blessing - and will most likely be absolutely fine afterwards, if a little bit hungover/embarrassed.

You're in a transitional period now where you just have to accept that her choices are hers to make, and you can only hope that she makes mostly sensible ones!

Have not RTFT so might be repeating this but when I was a young adult and used to work evenings so often got home past one AM, my mom asked me to shove a piece of card under my parents' bedroom door when I got in so that when she got up for the loo in the middle of the night she could see I'd got home without needing to come looking for me. This might help you at least try and get some sleep when she goes out, rather than waiting up biting your nails.

Good timing of this thread for me. My youngest is 18, I ask him what sort of time he’s going to be home and ask him to let me know if it’s any different. That usually works but we’ve had to have words today. Last night he told me he would be home around 1am, he actually got home at 10am. He fell asleep at his friends house, his parents are away, and decided to stay overnight. Which would have been fine if I had known, but waking up to find his room empty at 8 this morning and not knowing if he was ok was scary. Hopefully he understands that it’s easier to let me know if he’s going to be later than planned or is not coming. It’s silly really, there’s only two of us so he knows I text him if I am going to be late so should realise it goes both ways.
A pp suggested the rules might be different for girls v boys, I’ve never worried about my dd (21) because she is so much better at communicating where she’s going and who with etc, she also did most of her going out from uni so I wasn’t waiting to hear the key in the door.
YABU to give her a curfew.
YANBU to worry.

Get a grip! If you've raised her properly and it sounds like you have, if a little sheltered, her mates can't 'make' her do anything. She is an adult. Calm down, have a drink yourself and Put. The phone. Down.

Well I think you should have been relaxing the rules and curfew a long time before now, time to leave her be and stop all the messaging

I’m back to say she’s home. 😅 I had started to doze off on the sofa. She rolled her eyes and said ‘I told you to go to bed mum’ I tried to make out I wasn’t up waiting for her but she knows me too well. She gave me a kiss goodnight, told me to just stop worrying and went off to bed. She’s not even drunk, just a little tipsy. She’s all in one piece - so I can go to bed now. 😀 thanks everyone, it’s been really helpful. And I’m completely fine with being told to get a grip!

Unclench and let go…

Yes

When I was still in uni & during summer vacay working for my dad & living at home - I think I was 20 - I still respected my parents’ wishes about coming & going.
Their house, their rules.
I wasn’t paying rent, I was eating their food — the least I could do was be respectful.
It wasn’t difficult.
Except that one night when I cruised in at 3am from a party and woke my dad. I got “the lecture” on boundaries and not abusing them. lol

Why did she have a curfew before? We negotiated from 15. By 18 we were at 'text us around 11 and let us know your plans'. A curfew at 18 is completely unreasonable.

You might find as well she's more open if you don't text
I never felt like I had to say where I was etc but even now at 40 I will tell my dad "off into town tonight"! Because I knew they wouldn't constantly message asking questions I would tell them where I was going and send photos of stuff like a selfie or the cocktail we had

Of course YABU but I think you get the idea now.

My 16yo has just left school and currently has no curfew while he's on holidays, he will have when college starts in September but he just needs to let me know where he is. I don't wait up for him either, I just keep my phone on loud when I go to sleep so if he calls me needing anything I'll hear it.

My 17yr old doesn't have a curfew, she could legally move out if she wanted too.
The only thing I ask is that she stays together with her friends and they get a taxi home together. I would rather that than her leaving by herself.

As for your daughter coming in at 3am. Good for her. It's such a great time in life for them, my 17yr is definitely living her best life atm and her Summer is jam packed.

With the messaging her while she's out - the more she has her phone in and out of her bag or pocket the higher chance there is of her losing it. It also brings it to the attention of would be thieves more often.

My dd just turned 18 too and nothing has changed. She never really had a curfew before but she wouldn't be randomly going out, especially late at night without me knowing her plans either. And she knew she was expected to keep in touch and let me know if her plans changed. The same applies now. She has a car and can drive wherever whenever but wouldn't swan off without telling me her plans. It's just courteous to other members of your household to let them know where you are and when you'll be home. I'd expect the same from dh and he's not a teenager!

You can’t decide what time she stays out until.

But you can set rules for your house. ie if you’re coming home tonight then you need to be home by midnight so I can make sure the house is locked up and I can go to sleep.

if she wants to be out later than you’re happy with her coming home then she needs to make other arrangements.

You've done well to eek out a curfew to 18. My son just finished his first sixth form year and won't be 18 until he leaves.

For us it's about always having plenty of charge on his phone.
Having an idea of where he's going and how he's getting home.
Communicating when plans change.
Communicating generally.

It's scary and stressful but it's about renegotiating the balance until we are reassured about how they are handling things and can relax a bit more.

Also I know lots of people think using a tracker is some kind of abuse but my kids have no issue with it because it means I rarely text to check where they are, because I can glance at life360 and see. Peace of mind for me, no annoying texts from mum for them. Also very useful when a phone is stolen or lost....(got my stolen phone back using life360)

Could you download the Uber app and link it to her phone so even if she runs out of money she can get home. Also have cash in the house so she can get a taxi if she loses everything. Small power bank she can take out if also a good idea.

My parents always had a no questions ask policy that even if it was 5am I could ring and someone would come for me. I lived away from home by 20 miles at 18 for uni dad once dropped me cash off at 11pm as I lost my card. In second year I moved home, if we were all out the same weekend I had to text when heading home as they stayed out in the same city until they knew I was home safe.

We will have the same rules for DS (currently 11) of give us an estimate so is it an early night at 10pm or shall we see you in the morning. He has a double bed plus his own lounge with a sofa bed if needed his friends can also have the spare rooms but wake us up to let us know the house is full. I would rather him and his friends were safe in our house than rooming the streets as it's too late to go home.

You can't keep messaging her to ask where she is, OP - imagine how you'd feel if someone did that to you!

Leave her alone when she's out, or she'll just turn off her phone anyway.
But I think it's fair to have some house rules, eg she must always take a key, no coming in late and being noisy, has to start doing housework etc. That is just normal for adults sharing a house.

This plus more chance of running the phone battery down leaving her unable to call if she needs help.

I do feel for you because starting to let them go is never easy. Even allowing them to the park with their friends that first time is nerve wracking. But you've got to remember she's legally an adult now. Clubs don't close until 3/4am. I'd make some rules around coming back in respectfully, not bringing people home without prior agreement and sending a quick text if she's staying out all night. It will all get easier with time and it sounds like you've raised a wonderful young woman so try and relax a little.

Time to let her go, I guess. No one warns you of this when you become a mum.

Well, it is absolutely a normal part of parenting.
It is our role as parents to prepare our dc for the next stage.

You don't send your 11 yr old off to secondary school on the first day of term, never having got a bus before, or never having walked to and from school before - you work up to it over the previous couple of years.
You don't go out and leave them home alone for 6 hours at night as the first time you have left them alone in the house - you work up to it with leaving them for 5 mins then 20 mins then an hour and start by leaving them during the working day.
You don't get them to do the household shop as their first foray into shopping - you stand behind them as they use their pocket money to buy something at the Church Fete, and build up from there.

It's the same with adulthood. No, of course they aren't "a child" until 17 and 364 days, then turn into an adult overnight. You prepare them, and give and take a little and give them the skills to become adults from when they are early / mid teens.

It’s difficult, when DD turned 18 it coincided with her starting university (she stayed at home, not in halls), she went from naught to sixty on the social front and I was a bit blindsided by it. I never said she had to be in by a certain time but when she came in at 5.30am 3 days running on days when we were all getting up at 6.30 for work or school I had to tell her it was unacceptable. We agreed that 2am was a reasonable compromise.

when ds went to university in a different town it was so much easier, what I didn’t know couldn’t hurt me.