To give 18 year old a curfew?

[Lilysienna1]

Help me out please, wise mumsnetters that have crossed the line into parenting ‘adult’ children… 😀

DD1 very recently turned 18…. and last night she went out to a few bars with friends and when I said to be home at midnight, she looked like I had uttered the worst and most ridiculous words she’s ever heard in her life.

and she came rolling in at 3am.

Just a week ago, she had rules and curfews. I can’t quite get my head round the huge jump from that to apparently being expected to let her do whatever she wants, whenever she wants now that she’s a week older.

I know she’s now classed as an adult… but she’s still a teenager living at home. Help me get to grips with this please, how do I let her go. The world is a scary place and I’m not ready. 😭

AI really BU to give her a curfew??

You have to let go a bit now. I get it- my DS is 22 now and still lives at home. He doesn't go out much but there is no curfew. Rules we have had since he was around 16 are

Stick with your friends always- do not wander off on your own and look out for each other.

Never try and walk home from town on your own- it's only 2 miles but through v high crime/red light district and always have enough money for a taxi home. If you spend all your money I will pay for your taxi.

Text me if you are not coming home at all (only from 18 that one) - make sure you are safe and never stay stay at a randoms house.

Whatever happens we will come and get you if you end up stuck somehow.

He has so far made the right decisions- came home pissed a few times at 2am - but then DH and I are often up on a Saturday til that time as we like to pretend we are still party animals!

DS is far more sensible than either me or his dad were at his age. Oh last thing- do not bring anyone home we have not met before - book in a hotel if you like but I don't want other people roaming the house. Fine if we already know them- and be quiet.

What sort of things should I have done? I’m asking genuinely. As I really hope I haven’t missed anything. I think it’s probably more a case that she is ready for adulthood , but I’m not ready to let her go.

LOL. I’d have totally ignored you too.

My 17 year old is at w festival this weekend. I have no idea what he is up to had short text yesterday .

i ask he gives me a rough idea when he is coming home and lets me know if plans change .

its a scary time as parents. … you won’t sleep properly till she is home .. you need to let her grow .

Wow. I’m surprised she never pushed back on this. I’m sorry but you have been unreasonable… as you were so controlling before, she will relish the freedom she now has. She should stay out and enjoy herself without you pestering her or trying to tell her to be back at midnight.

Maybe I'm reading this through the lense of my own teens, but I was a uni living independently at 16, nearly 17, I was out clubbing and partying until all hours. 18 is absolutely an adult.

Imo I'd encourage her to let you know how she's getting home and rough time, but not a curfew. If you impose too many rules she'll resent you for it. I'd have paid no attention to a curfew at 18, but if I was at home I'd have courtesy to let my mum know if and when to expect me home.

Well staying out beyond 11pm, making own way home, house parties and drinking. All thing most 17 year olds do.

Most likely.
I think asking her to check in with a quick text to let you know she’s ok if it goes past 12/1am is perfectly ok. That way you can settle a little.
I’d make sure you don’t stop her coming home in the early hours as the risk is she’ll end up putting herself in uncomfortable situations when she’d just rather be coming home to her own bed.

I’m so glad someone else feels this way, though it is an unsettling feeling. But makes me feel more ‘normal’!
It must be even more difficult when your child has additional needs / vulnerabilities. Sounds like she’s living her best life now though!

Why are you trying to treat an adult like a child?

I was out at 16 myself to be fair! But I think it’s a bit different these days, as places are very strict on checking ID. She’s been to her friends 18th parties, and other parties and she has been out later than 11pm a few times, our rule for that though was that either me or her dad collected her from the venue.

My DS is nearly 20, from about 17, I started relaxing curfews etc. I think you become more an advisor than rule maker as they get older. He lived out his 1st year of Uni and obviously I have no idea what he got up to, he has come back home and will commute now and there is no curfew, he will tell me where he's going, just common courtesy, but that's about it. You're going to have to let go, but if you'd started relaxing curfews earlier it would have made this transition easier for you. He also does his own washing and cooking.

This made me laugh 🤣 she gave me ‘the look’ and said bye mum love you, quick kiss and off she went. I sat there all night fretting

No. Like every stage in life, you build things up, gradually, so they are ready for it.
It is really odd that you have had some rigid time that you have expected her to be home by, up until now.

I’ve messaged her 3 times tonight to ask where she is, just to check she’s ok.

Wow. YABVVVU with that. How to chase her away. She has been really patient with you tonight, but seriously, you are sounding very OTT now.

I’m trying not to. Really I am, that is why I’ve posted here. I know I literally just have to let her go now.

I think we started moving away from having a curfew at 16+ and it became more of a case by case basis - it's more of a negotiation. At 17/18 I would still want to know where they were and what time-ish they'd be home but I wasn't insisting they were home at a certain time. Once they're off to Uni you won't know where they are or what time they stay out til. At 18 you have to trust that you've done a good enough job to trust them to make sensible decisions most of the time!

Yep, this. It’s only 11pm and you’ve texted her 3 times? If that was my DD she’d simply ignore me by that point (and I wouldn’t blame her). Massively overstepping OP. What do you think is going to happen?

She’s a very laid back, calm person. Completely unfazed by what she calls my ‘neurotic-ness’. Her dad has the same personality. She certainly didn’t get any of my anxious, glass half empty genes. You’re right though, she could have easily rebelled against me by now, but she hasn’t- and I don’t want to push her away now!

You said she’s more ready than you, but that’s because you have brought her up to be an independent woman. Go you!
These are the rules I had when mine were that age:

Don’t wake the house up

Leave your shoes in the hallway so I know you’re safe in bed!

Lock the door

Get home safely - there is an emergency £20 note on the bookshelf in case you run out of money

Ring any time, day or night and for the rest of your life, if you need me

You never stop worrying - my 20yo DS and 9 mates are camping somewhere in the midlands this weekend with shed loads of alcohol!

My 18yo DD has no curfew she is often out till 3/4am, she doesn’t go out till 11 - so midnight is totally unrealistic!!

The worry doesn’t really go I am afraid you just have to keep communicating with them and hope they take some of the advice in!! I just ask that they all stick together so no one gets a cab alone, and they keep their 360 on just in case they need us.

For a while you will lie awake til you hear her come in. You might even get up once or twice to hold her hair whilst she hurls. Eventually you’ll get used to it. Mine are 22 and 20 and I don’t even hear the Uber pull up any more. It’s for us to adjust. That said, you can hoover as early as you like in your own home…

Thank you. This made me tear up a bit. She’s an amazing young woman, I’m very proud of her! Time to let her go, I guess. No one warns you of this when you become a mum. Letting go is hard! Your list of rules are really helpful too. Although I can’t even imagine going to sleep before she’s home!

Yeah, YABU.
At 18 she is legally an adult. I'm not sure how you can justify giving her a midnight curfew when she can get a mortgage at this age, get married, start a business, travel. Do whatever she likes and what every adult can do.

This is where you should have prepared yourself. Go out with your friends, get a hobby, live your life.
It all changes now. It's more safety talks and be respectful when you stumble in drunk please. If you become overbearing she will leave and you may find she doesn't come visit or contact you much. You don't need to message her 3 times in a night asking where she is. Something like " hey sweetheart, could you drop me a text when you get home so I can see it in the morning when I wake up ". That's all that's needed.

So you've made her come in early before her 18th? Oh OP, no wonder you're finding this hard.

You've done nothing to prepare yourself. Growing up is a process, not a birthday. She should have been able to stay out later the older she got.

My DD turned 18 3 weeks ago. She had been out until 2am prior to this. For her 18th, she stayed in.

You've got to let them grow up. YABVU.

At least I can be bit more prepared when the next one turns 18. I’ll relax the curfews long before the birthday!