Saying no to childcare in the holidays

[Aprilmaymum]

I today put my foot down and said no to my DSIL asking me to look after her three DC for two days next week. I have DC of my own and I am a full time mum while my DH works long hours. Last week I looked after my DN’s for two days. I I get my DSIL works and I am always happy to help but this is turning into more than the odd day. Of course my DBIL
has spoke to my DH about this and how disappointed he is etc etc. I don’t want to fall out but I feel enough is enough. I plan my DC activities in the holidays and next week two have swimming and one a drama group. this gives me a chance to catch up on jobs. So when DSIL asked me again and for three days I said no. It took me a lot to say no but now I feel
like a pig in the middle.
anyone else who is a full time mum feel like they are being took advantage of.

I work full time. I'm also a full time mum.

Good for you op. My friend is a sahm and is always getting asked to look after other kids during the holidays, often for 12+ hour days. It really grates on me! But she feels very guilty saying no. I'm a single mum working full time and I'd only ask a friend in an absolute emergency, as a one off etc.

"My DBIL has yet again text my DH about families helping out etc."

And how do they help you?

"Of course families should help each other. As we had your kids on xyz occasion, perhaps you could look after ours next week/month/whenever."

My BIL always used to ask me to look after his kids when they couldn't go to school/childminder when ill. Oh why couldn't they go? Oh because they've been a bit sick? No thank you!!!!

Well that takes the prize! What on earth did she say when she went out?!

The fact that it is never reciprocated does it for me. They're users. Of course they won't book holiday clubs - they don't think they need to! They don't give a shit that it's hard on you, that you can't go out, do nice activities. Just one hard slog. But it's not their hard slog is it?

This is not good. So BIL basically tried to get your DH to get you in line? I'd hold onto the no if I were you.

It can be really important as a SAHM to set boundaries with people who think you have nothing better to do than meet their needs. A week to catch up with jobs will be good for you.

Stick to your guns op. I’d be raging at the bil calling my husband -I’d ask him oh did he say tell your woman to get back into line?? You used to be allowed to do that in the 16th century, what a jerk. In your shoes dh & I would tell them some home truths so they grew up a little and started looking after their own children. As for mil, say I have young children of my own, what’s your excuse? Dh doesn’t recall you providing extensive free childcare to all the cousins.

Good for you saying 'no'!!!!

Do what's best for you and your kids.

I can't believe the cheek of them not just taking no for an answer, they don't respect you! Let them know they're twits!

Yanbu

I think if your bil/sil had some kind of appreciative / reciprocal vibe to her requests it would be different...

like "can you look after the kids on Friday next week - I'll deliveroo lunch for everyone to save you cooking and then we will finish work early at 5 and do a bbq for dinner at ours for everyone - i have some of that wine you like"
Or
"Can you look after ge kids thu and Friday... i was thinking you could maybe do one day at a thorpe park and the other day at that new mini golf place...let me know if that suits and i'll buy the tickets for everyone 1x adult 5 x kids (ie pay for yours)

As it is they pissed a months annual leave and ££££ up the wall on their USA jolly holiday, didnt bother to book ANY clubs and now want you to be their on call unpaid babysitter because...family.
Not cool.

My DBIL has yet again text my DH about families helping out etc

If families help out how exactly are they helping you out or reciprocating? Or is helping only one sided and for their benefit?

if anyone questions why you can't/ won't help tell tell them you don't have to justify how you use your time to anyone and if they want to babysit they can volunteer their services to SIL.

If DBiL believes in families helping each other out, then he can help his own family out by taking time off work to look after his own children in the holidays.

I would reply to him on this one and say you agree, Families should help each other out. that is why you have had your nieces X number of times over the past X years. But you had plans next week and you are not unpaid child care. families should also be respectful of each other and not take each other for granted as unpaid labour.

I'd say no every time. It's like they feel entitled to free childcare. They think they can harass and badger you into looking after their kids. Their childcare is their responsibility you don't have to help. The sooner they understand that the better.

All the “how dare you, I’m a FT Mum as well as having a FT job” crowd: you know perfectly well what OP meant and the hypersensitivity around it just suggests you have an issue.

Clearly, obviously, you are always your child’s parent whether you are at work, at home, on holiday or whatever. No one is saying you aren’t, or that you’re a lesser parent, or that they’re a better parent.

But the assertion that you are doing the exact same amount of parenting/mothering as someone who isn’t working so they can care for their children is ridiculous- clearly someone else is doing the caring tasks that you aren’t because you’re employed doing something else. You aren’t changing a nappy or making a bottle or playing playdoh or sorting out a sibling fight while you’re working are you?

By using FT Mum it’s simply “SAHM” (which is also inaccurate because I was never home less than when I was a “parent without paid employment whose time was spent solely caring for my little children”) trying to describe their own situation. My full time job was the day to day care of my children when they were little, ergo in my mind I was a FT Mum. I was hardly going to say I was doing “childcare” of my own children if someone asked what I did, was I?!

She said something like now you’re here do you mind if I run out and finish some bits off at work! To be fair she did make me a cup of tea before she left 😂 the girls were happily playing so I just went along with it.

You're completely right. I was a SAHM because I wanted to do all the grunt work, read all the books, take them on all the outings, teach them - not have someone in paid to take over those tasks for any part of the time. I was hands on parenting full time.

When I was working when my children were older, I was still a full time parent. If something came up, I would drop everything at work to go to my children, like if they were sick at school. I just wasn't hands on deck full time.

I may be wrong here, but could your DSIL or DBIL apply for unpaid parental leave? I have colleagues who use it over the school holidays? But I'm not sure how it works

YANBU - almost every working parent I know meticulously plans annual leave & holiday childcare months in advance. It's always the working parents on the WhatsApp group who know holiday dates & inset days because you just have to.

Why can't they just go to holiday club? well probably coz it is super expensive for 3 kids when you haven't planned and budgeted

You need your time too - SAHM in summer holidays is full on.

Stand your ground OP, and let DH deal with it.

"My DBIL has said they have no leave left as they went to America for a month in april taking the DC out of school."

They really are foolish aren't they.

I second asking your DH not to pass on any digs or pressure that comes from his family but to field it himself. If they continue to pressure you directly then I think you need to message her along the lines of being disappointed to find yourself under pressure to provide childcare for their children, having taken reduced your working hours to meet your own childcare needs and also shelled out money on clubs to enable you and your husband cover your working hours. Point out that you’ve shared information about clubs well in advance of the holidays but it’s not your job to plan and provide care for their children. You’ve helped out in the past but seeing that far from being appreciated it’s led to an expectation of future care then you need to be clear that you will not help out in the future. However as MIL has been vocal as to family helping out you are confident she will step into the breach, not that it is your problem to solve.

Much as family helping out sounds like a an ideal scenario, in this family it seems to equate to @Aprilmaymum helping out, and that is not fair on you or your children.

Honestly six children! And it’s always more stressful looking after other people’s children because you you might either inadvertently do things differently from the parents and cause tension, or if one their children is pissed off about any tiny thing they might go to their parents with April was MEAN to me today and I didn’t do ANYTHING … With our own children there’s no second guessing.

I hate families that bang on about being close but enforce that closeness by a thousand tiny barbs of fear, obligation and guilt rather than being close because being together is warm, funny and chill.

You are probably nicer than me but in your shoes I’d being on the verge of backing right off from the lot of them. They are just using you. Where’s the care for you?

"families helping out" surely should work both ways (is gently point that out of they ask again...or cheekily suggest payment)! Stick to your guns and enjoy the "free" time when your children are in their activities that you remembered to book ahead.

They didn’t offer to help you out by taking you to America for a month did they?

No way! Helping out occasionally is fine, but not when it becomes an expectation.

This ^^
This is classic CF childcare strategy.
1 The whole family are applying pressure on you.

• It is between you and SIL. Not the whole family.
• Anyone else who thinks its their business can look after the kids instead of you.

2) Your BIL is asking your DH to instruct you to mind his kids? WTAF?

• Your DH is NOT your line manager, supervisor, or any kind of boss of you.

3) They are not grateful for any of the free childcare you have already provided.

• It counts for nothing. They do not appreciate that you are giving up your own time to do it. The fact that you have helped them before is seen as proving that you must do it again.
• They won't thank you for this either and will happily damn you to all for not doing it this time.

4) They used a whole month of annual leave in April.

• So they have known since they booked that April holiday that they would need childcare but made zero plans for it. They decided months ago that you would do it, but didn't bother to ask. This is their usual habit.

5) They demanded childcare at the last minute so it can be styled as an "emergency" ..

• they therefore say you are the only person who can step in at the last minute.
• Sounds like the MIL could make herself available

6) They don't care that YOU HAVE PAID FOR CHILDCARE at summer clubs or that you can't use the car and all would be stuck at home

I really hope that you are able to stand strong against this. They are completely using you. Number 5 and 6 would particularly get my goat. I really hate that they think you are not working so you owe us your time. No you don't!

Is there a quid pro quo? Like they have your DC for a weekend while you and DH have a mini break?
It’s nice to help family if you can . Were they appreciative last time? Maybe you could have their DC on a day your DC are at home and DH can finish work early. If he’s not going to be helping out he has no business voicing an opinion or putting any pressure on you.

She said the husband replied that she had plans.